Hi, I'm 26 y/o, married to my husband for 9yrs. We have a 6 y/o little girl who is attached to her daddy at the hip, almost literally. I've done a lot of stupid, immature things in this marriage, but I think the worst would be putting up with my husband & his emotional abuse. He does & says so many mind-bending things on a day-to-day basis, that I don't know what to think anymore, & no matter how sure I am of myself, going into an argument with him, he always comes out the winner. But basically, it boils down to me not having any resources to leave him. I'm not working at the moment, I have no car temporarily, because it is in the body shop, after my car accident. Due to the circumstances of the accident, I'm not even sure if I will have car insurance soon, which means that soon after I get my car back, I may not even "have it back". My biggest, biggest concern is my daughter, who, and this is putting it mildly, would be absolutely devastated if her father was not in her life everyday. I need some sound advice, and avenues I may be able to go down. Can someone please help me??
MM

What do you mean about mind bending things on day to day basis? Honestly, just from what you wrote it does not sound like you are putting your all in your marriage. It sounds like you need counseling. Why are you so willing to give up on a marriage? Is there any other reason? Daughter and Father, He sounds like a good husband and a good father. Do you really want to destroy that. It also sounds like you have way too much time on your hands and you need another outlet. Like volunteering, getting out some how. I do not mean partying, or other destructive things. I mean getting out finding a part time job. There is lots of pressure today for the man to take care of the family especially when there is only one income. In today's world you pretty much need two incomes. I know, of the pressure because I am the sole provider as well.

Joe

Thanks for your response, but I asked for help, not for "words of wisdom" that encourage me to stay in a relationship with someone who has severe anger-management issues. It is not healthy for not only myself & my husband, but also for my daughter who could be raised to believe that this should be the way of life for a woman & that it's OK for a man to hurl hateful, insulting remarks her way. In regards to your advice, thanks, but no thanks.
MM

I know you're not looking for words of wisdom, but sometimes talking about it helps.

What changed in your marriage? Something must have changed to make him become this miserable, suffering, mean monster of a man who you describe because I'm sure you wouldn't have married a man who was already like that?

If you want advice on leaving, you call and find a women shelter and go,
That is how you leave

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Originally Posted by longtime8

Hi, I'm 26 y/o, married to my husband for 9yrs. We have a 6 y/o little girl who is attached to her daddy at the hip, almost literally. I've done a lot of stupid, immature things in this marriage, but I think the worst would be putting up with my husband & his emotional abuse. He does & says so many mind-bending things on a day-to-day basis, that I don't know what to think anymore, & no matter how sure I am of myself, going into an argument with him, he always comes out the winner. But basically, it boils down to me not having any resources to leave him. I'm not working at the moment, I have no car temporarily, b/c it is in the body shop, after my car accident. Due to the circumstances of the accident, I'm not even sure if I will have car insurance soon, which means that soon after I get my car back, I may not even "have it back". My biggest, biggest concern is my daughter, who, and this is putting it mildly, would be absolutely devastated if her father was not in her life everyday. I need some sound advice, and avenues I may be able to go down. Can someone please help me???
MM

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I know things can change a lot over the course of 9 years. I can empathize with your situation, and I am glad that you are thinking about your daughter. I also have this type of feeling when it comes to fighting, my husband always says the meanest things to try to win the fight, and I just can't bring myself to cut him down so I can come out on top.
These types of things are always more complicated that you could possibly explain to others on the internet, but to answer your question, you just leave. You will never feel like you are ready to do it. Having a car will not fix it-might make it easier-but won't make you prepared. You just make up your mind and go.
If you are looking for things to do to be more prepared than you are right now, you could just stick it out long enough to get your ducks in a row. Like someone else said, go and find a job so that you know you have some kind of income. You don't have to be an executive vice president of blah blah corporation, just something to keep you fed and warm (keep in mind that it will take about 3 weeks to get your first paycheck). Having a job will also get you out of the house more, so that you can begin making new friends/support systems, and you can avoid the negativity at home.
Next, figure out if you have a car or not, if your insurance company has cancelled your coverage, just get it through a new company. Start looking at the housing market to figure out how much you will need to get your own place (look for your city in craigslist -just Google it and find your town). If you have family that can help you either financially or with your daughter, don't be afraid to ask for help when you really need it. Most importantly, mentally prepare yourself for what you need to do. When you have secured the basics get up and go... the rest will work out one way or another. It is hard because you have lived codependantly for so long and you are about to change that completely. You will not be able to afford a big house, you will have to keep on a tight budget until you get the hang of it, you will have to do the little things by yourself, you won't be able to go and buy the new pair of shoes you want, but you can survive. Women do it all the time. You obviously have managed to keep your self-respect, otherwise you would just stay there and take it.
The hard part is your daughter. You will have to responsibly work it out with your husband, or she will end up with whoever has enough money for a lawyer. This is easier said than done, I know. It may be a good thing to establish days for her to be with her dad and days for her to be with you, since daycare is so expensive you can try to work on days she is with her father. *keep it civil when you leave- don't go out with a bang*
I know that all of these things are intimidating and uncomfortable, but they are all possible! If you feel that you are in danger, you can contact a shelter, and if this is the case please please please get the police involved for your own safety and the safety of your daughter.
Lastly, you had friends before you began this relationship, and you probably were unable to maintain many of those friendship because of the nature of most long-term relationships... find some of them (if they are responsible people - i.e. not crackheads or drunks) and start talking again. It will help you to remember that you were single before and you can do it again.
This does not always go through people's minds when they are frustrated and in a bind, but usually in bigger cities the phone book will actually have hotlines and support groups in the government pages in the front of the book. They may have additional resources too.
Recap:
-find a job
-determine transportation needs (call new insurance companies for quotes if you'd like)
-find out housing costs (go look at some places too, he doesn't have to know yet)
-identify support systems (family, old friends, new friends, support groups)
-mentally prepare yourself
-secure a new place of your own
-talk to him like a decent adult - don't let him turn it around on you
-LEAVE, don't let little comlications stop you... it will work out in the end

Hope this helps, if not useful, maybe it gave you some moral support.

I want to reply to Jesushelper76 and his answer. It is totally unfair to say that she is not giving it all to her marriage. This is such a difficult thing to be going through and to judge her, is not fair-it sounds that she gets her share of that from her husband. I too am in a marriage that has turned sour and I know I've given it my all-and to be told differently is hurtful. This is a very tough situation to be in and sitting there and telling her she has given up and that he's such a great guy is just wrong!

I was not judging her at all, where do you people come up with that. I answered with the information that I had in her post. I went with what was told in the post. That is where a discussion forms then it will be much easier to help somebody along. You know what looking4hanppiness, I did not answer your post. I was answering somebody else's. As far as I can see it was not her all in her marriage. It is not a judgement but what I saw in her post.

Joe