We lived together for almost 2 very happy years. Towards the end, we started to become distant and falling out of the relationship. One night she stayed out with friends, and didn't come back home until 9am the next morning. I guess she did this to try and get my attention Well, it worked, because I blew up big time on her for staying out all night without a simple phone call and leaving me worry about her. I then started accusing her of f**king someone else and made statements like, "Boy I hope he was worth it because we're through" and even more angry comments and actions. I never hit her, so don't think this. She then told me that she needed some time apart to reflect if she's doing the right thing or not. She didn't leave for about a week after the incodent.

After she left (a week later) I was crushed. For the next 5 months, I have been begging and pleading in everydesperate way you can imagine. I even used the "I'll end my life" guilt rrip a few times. Yea, pathetic, I know.

During this time she was crushed as well telling me that she loved me and wanted to come back, but not to me being this way. She wanted to see a change so she can feel safe with me again. I didn't know what to do, except continue to act desperately. I did this for about another 3 months. She finally just started ignoring me. Every email, text, and/or phone call was completely ignored.

Then I came across an ebook online, one of those "get your ex back in 30 days or less". I have been in no contact now for almost the duration of the author. The author, who is a ex guru, claims to first write a hand written letter (or email) to the ex and then initiate no contact.

Here was my email:
I know now why you decided to leave and I don't blame you. I have been thinking alot about this too and as much as I will always cherish you, I realized how young you really are and how you're not ready for a relationship. My mistake was believing and convincing myself that you were ready. I am really sorry for how i acted with you. I am so disapointed with myself for treating another human being this way, let alone someone I was "supposed" to love, that I know i will never act this way again because the shame I feel hurts more than lossing you. Something huge is happening for me in my life and I really need to tell you about this sometime. As for now, I'm going to allow you to be alone by yourself. Maybe we can be friends at some point.

Since then, I have had no contact. The author then explains to make yourself seem like an alpha male in these 30 days of no contact. Use subtle tactics like you've got a lot going on in your life, subtlely dating other women, etc. He also says to play the hand, "be best friends with her friends". Do not talk about the ex at all, and just focus on being friends with them. Then after a while of being friends with her friends, send a cut off not to the friend for an obvious reason. My reason was because her friend had a boyfriend.

Here's my email I wrote to her friend:
I'm just going to get right to the point. I'm saying goodbye. You have always been such an awesome person, and one of my best friends. I love you like you were my sister and I hope you have everything you always wanted in your life.

You may not think that you deserve to have your ego boosted this much, but I believe you do. You're a very special WOMAN. I say woman, not girl. You are more of a real woman than anyone I have ever known, combined. Sometimes, secretely, I shed a tear for you when you kept having relationship issues and the immigration problem as well. This is why I was so determined to help you. But you still wanted to do it on your own. I admire that and respect that. I'm proud of you for that.

One thing I have learned recently is that life is full of awesomeness and I must take advantage of my awesome journey. I hope you will decide to stay a part of my life (as one of my best friends) and see and experience this awesomeness that is starting to happen for me, with me.

I'm only saying goodbye out of respect for you. I don't want to interfere with your life and your hopefully amazing love life. I understand how men can be, especially American men. I don't want to cause problems in your relationship as remaining in your life. I know that this man may have some regrets of me hanging around, and I don't want to jeaporisize that for you. I KNOW HOW IMPORTANT THIS IS FOR YOU, TO BE IN LOVE.

This is for your boyfriend:
Dude, you have an amazing woman in your life. She is one of my best friends, and if I ever get wind (even a rumor) that you mistreated her in any way, or hurt her, your *** is grass. She is not like these worhless American girls that always have alterior motives. She is a real woman, and deserves to be treated like nothing less than a real woman. I hope you have what it takes, because if you don't, I know some really awesome men (really good friends of mine) that are looking for an amazing woman like this. Treat her right. I've only known Kate for 2 years, but she is close to me like she is my little sister, and I put one guy in the hospital for hurting my real sister, so you can be assured I will do the same to you if you hurt my other sister (Kate). Treat her right, or I'll give you some lessons on the hard knocks of life!

Now back to you Kate:
I hope we can still be friends, and I hope that your boyfriend doesn't mind my being in your life, but until I know this for sure, I have to say goodbye for now.

Much BROTHERLY love,
Ryan

She responded back:
Thank you. That was so sweet. I love you too, my big brother.
I didn't reply.

Then the next day she wrote me again saying:
My boyfrind read the email and now he's very angry.

I replied:
I'm not worried. He's not my boyfriend. You're my friend, not him.

And then this author stated to make yourself completely busy. (this is now week 3 and 1/2 in my no contact phase) So I posted on my Facebook wall, "I'm not going to be on facebook for a while. I got to work with a new marketing representitive on my website. Leave me a message and when I get back, I'll reply".

Now the author said that 99% of the time, the ex will never try and contact you after the cut off note and no contact because she's testing you to see if you'll crack or not. Which is exactly what's happening. She hasn't tried to contact me yet. Her birthday is tomorrow, and the author states, in bold print, "DO NOT CONTACT HER FOR ANY SPECIAL OCCASION-BIRTHDAY, HOLIDAYS, SPECIAL ANNIVERSARIES, ETC. THIS WILL MNAKE HER FEEL THE LOSS OF YOU 10 FOLD" So I'm not going to.

There's even a better starategy when it comes time to initaiate contact when the time is right. (which for me is 4 days from now). The author goes on to say when it's time to initiate contact, to just be very easy going and talk casually, not bringing anything in that is deep and heavy. Just talk like friends and be calm and cool. There's more after this step, but this is where I'm at for right now.

My question is this. Do you think I have a good chance to win her back?

By the way, I can understand how the NC rule works out. While you're thinking that NC is going to win back your ex, you find out that NC really gives you time to reflect and work on yourself. Pretty powerful stuff.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by mrbeefy

By the way, I can understand how the NC rule works out. While you're thinking that NC is going to win back your ex, you find out that NC really gives you time to reflect and work on yourself. Pretty powerful stuff.

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Then use NC for its real purpose.

Funny part is, I sometimes recognize that "guru"s face on the little ads next to posts here. Talk about conscious marketing strategies.

I did read that e-book, about a year and 1/2 ago. I also read "Venus and Mars starting over", I read about 15 e-books (and normal books) I read about breakups, tricks to get the ex back, stories to tell, fake girlfriend/boyfriend games, then I read the "Get over your breakup" books but I didn't like them. I wanted my ex back so I followed every step.

Mind you, I did get my ex back. Then he cheated on me and lied to me again so I left him. I read the posts here over and over again until I understood what NC really was.

You can play games and think you win, but most of the time the trust is already broken so your game is meant to fail at the end. If you were considering counseling or professional help, I'd say go for it and maybe you'll get her back when you fixed your trust/insecurity issues. But not like this. Not with lies and tricks. Because when you post about your so called busy life on Facebook, you just sit there and check if she contacted you (by the way, she may not be "testing" you, she wanted out after all) and it's not healthy. Why don't you actually go out and get busy?

I agree too many games, someone is going to get hurt

I agree with Pan--your just playing a game here. Unfortuantely you are over-looking that at the end of every game there must be a winner and a loser!! She has made a choice to move on. She stopped being interested in any type of communication with you.

Its is TIME to start getting yourself back togther. Start living your life for YOU!! Get out with YOUR friends, get busy occupying yourself for real this time!!

Take care

Use NC properly for healing, regrouping, and rebuilding. Then you won't waste time trying to get an ex back, you will be to busy with things to do, people to see, and places to be. You will have a life that makes you happy, and pursuing better options, and opportunities. Best of all, you can make good decisions for yourself, based on FACTS and not just feelings, and don't have to play games with any one.

Fact is, after a proper healing, most people don't want the ex back, because they have stopped being stuck on stupid, and have far better things to do.

Make sure you get a refund. Please, no more emails. Why would she dump her new guy for YOU!! Sorry guy, you are playing games with yourself.

People make fortunes off people like you. Getting what you want by following advice on how to manipulate people is deceiptful, and dishonest.

At what point do you reflect on yourself, drop the support guru, and realize that YOU contributed to the demise of the relationship. You saying you did, and apologizing for it ( a la guru advice), does not equate equally to you identifying where you went wrong, and how to go about addressing the responsibility you have in contributing to the end of the relationship, in order for you not to repeat the same mistakes in the next relationship.

Surely you realize that this enormous effort of manipulating her to come back, won't solve the problems that caused her to leave in the first place? You may get her sitting at your kitchen table again, but without the guru whispering in your ear what to do next, you are still at square one- what went wrong, and why should she believe you have changed.

I am beginning to see the lack of maturity in your words. To need someone elses' words, and guidance, in 'winning' her back, is no different than buying a book on learning how to win at poker and become a millionaire. It is all learning about how to manipulate, and when it comes to human beings, you may 'win' but in the end, without changes and understanding and accountability for your own behaviour, you will keep losing.

There is no magic bullet. If you want to impress your ex girlfriend, or better prepare yourself for the next possible relationship, get yourself into counselling, and learn to work on yourself first. If I were the ex, that would impress me more than anything. But, if I learned that all your efforts were superficially based on the guidance of a love guru, I'd be running for the nearest exit.

And, what's with the negative comments about American men?

I read one of those how to get your ex book back. It wasn't about playing games. It was straight up honest, the chance of winning your ex back is small. If and whne you get a chance to talk to your ex again you need to have taken a good look at yourself and be willing to make the changes. If you are not you will be destined to repeat your same mistakes.

It seems that you blindly love your girl friend. Breakup is really an embarrassing and hurting situations and I can understand the situation you are facing. But if you really love your girl friend and want to get her back in your life then don't try to cheat her. Told her frankly about your feelings. Minimize your contacts with her but please don't stop this. Both of you may also contact with a couple counselor for patch up. Get my ex back will become easy for you if both of you follow the tips given by the counselor.