Hello folks, :)

Just a question I would like answered.

I have been dating a girl (25y/o) for a while now, 2 months ago she decided to move in with me (i.e. I hinted at it, she gladly accepted, as I have a place which is in a better/safer part of town, and it's mine so she does not have to waste money on rent, etc. etc. but this is not a $$ issue)

Anyhow... I work in an architectural firm from roughly 8am to 4pm, she works in a restaurant/club/bar. Usually from 5pm to 1am.

Now this never bothered me before, as we always made time for each other and all that stuff but now I see how she spends her time after work and it worries me a bit.

i.e. when she gets off work she says she's just going out for a drink and she'll be home soon, which usually ends up being after 4am (piss off #1) - late & lack of communication

She won't call me to tell me this, but then again I am asleep by 1:30.

On a few occasions she came home at noon the next day, telling me she passed out at her friends, etc. (piss off #2) - no communication again

Again on a few occasions she hinted to me that she likes to do blow on occasion. I said to her that I don't approve of it, etc. and told her that at her age she should know better. Smoking pot is one thing (I could care less) but doing blow is a little over the top for me.

Problem is she said that if she feels like doing it she will, etc. etc. (mind you she has done it once in the last month so I don't think she has a problem) the problem is that she tells me I'm a right wing nutjob with my views on drugs and that I should relax a bit.

I did my share prior to finishing college and told her that it is not for me. Now every time she goes out I get pissed off because I think she might do it again, etc. etc. she tells me no, and I trust her, but part of me thinks she is too easily influenced by her co workers who she goes for drinks with.

Should I tell her how I feel about this again (and I love this girl a lot) or should I set an ultimatum and watch her walk out the door (hopefully not). There really is so much more to her then the partying and her work/night lifestyle (due to her job) and I don't want to mess it up by playing the control freak boyfriend part. Any sublte ways of doing this??

p.s.

Sorry for the lengthy write up, just wanted to give a 'feel' to my situation, so that it would not be confused for something it is not (ie. Big drug or booze problem)

Thanks in advance :)

Edited to add: I am 28 y/o (just for reference)

First off, I feel you have a need to be concerned. One of you definite problems IS communication-as you have said you know.

If she is committed to you-then the every night after work thing until for or later--should stop. I could see going out with her friends every now and again- but not every night.

I am not a believer in any kind of drugs, so the 'blow' thing even the occasional mj-would be compeletly off limits.

I would talk with her and find out why she is doing these things. See if maybe it is a problem at home or something else you two need to talk about.

But you NEED to talk before you build up too much resentment towards her.

She does 'those things' i.e. blow for fun, etc. Tells me it's like me going out with my buddies and drinking it up (which of course I do once in a while)

She's a college graduate and a smart girl so go figure, she's working where she is since there was no jobs in her field available and student loans need to get paid off. I believe it has to do a lot with that type of job and people in that business (clubs, etc.)

Also maybe I wrote it wrong but I meant that every time she goes out, she stays out later then planned and does not care about what time she gets home. Not that she goes out every night.

By the way, thanks for the answer.

Looking for more input, helpful if anyone here works in a pub/club/bar industry and could tell me if that is how the majority of leisure time looks between coworkers from that environment. As I said, maybe I'm paranoid?

Here's my suggestion... Relax!
She's knows you don't like her doing stuff, don't rush on her. Give it some time. After things calm down a bit, tell her that you want to have a talk with her (a one on one session) kind of say over the weekend or something. You guys decide on a date & time (communicate).
Ask her how her move in experience has been? Let her know that you love her & want her stay with you to be good. Ask her if she'd like to see changes (possibly her answer will be none, as you have given time for the situation to calmn down & looks like you are no fault). Then you lay your ideas in front of her & both of you decide on what needs to be followed.
This according to me is a good topic as it's been around 2 months since you moved in. This won't give her a feeling of you being worried or paranoid... this is more like a future plan.

Hope this helps.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by nwguy

Anyhow... I work in an architectural firm from roughly 8am to 4pm, she works in a restaurant/club/bar. usually from 5pm to 1am.

Now this never bothered me before, as we always made time for each other and all that stuff but now i see how she spends her time after work and it worries me a bit.

i.e. when she gets off work she says she's just going out for a drink and she'll be home soon, which usually ends up being after 4am (piss off #1) - late & lack of communication

She won't call me to tell me this, but then again i am asleep by 1:30.

On a few occasions she came home at noon the next day, telling me she passed out at her friends, etc. (piss off #2) - no communication again

Again on a few occasions she hinted to me that she likes to do blow on occasion. I said to her that i don't approve of it, etc. and told her that at her age she should know better. Smoking pot is one thing (i could care less) but doing blow is a little over the top for me.

Problem is she said that if she feels like doing it she will, etc. etc. (mind you she has done it once in the last month so i don't think she has a problem) the problem is that she tells me i'm a right wing nutjob with my views on drugs and that i should relax a bit.

I did my share prior to finishing college and told her that it is not for me. Now everytime she goes out i get pissed off because i think she might do it again, etc. etc. she tells me no, and i trust her, but part of me thinks she is too easily influenced by her co workers who she goes for drinks with.

Should i tell her how i feel about this again (and i love this girl a lot) or should i set an ultimatum and watch her walk out the door (hopefully not). There really is so much more to her then the partying and her work/night lifestyle (due to her job) and I dont want to mess it up by playing the control freak boyfriend part. Any sublte ways of doing this???

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Ok - I guess first off, I am now against drugs. I've seen it destroy too many people's lives and it almost sucked me up in it about 8 years ago. Some people think that blow occasionally isn't a bad thing. But what about that one time when they get a bad batch? Or "well twice this month won't hurt, three times isn't gonna kill me....." The next thing you know - you are hooked. It really doesn't take that much with blow to get hooked - seen that happen to an old friend. Also to mention that it is illegal!

I can understand your girlfriend going out occasionally after work with friends. I can even understand that sometimes people drink too much and fall asleep/pass out at a friends place. It shouldn't happen often though. Also, what is the bar time where you live? There is no reason that she should be getting home way after bar time.

Trust is a hard thing. It is especcially hard when communication isn't that great. You say that you trust her - but there must be something inside to tell you otherwise.

I'd say that you should talk to her. Really express your concerns about the blow and how you really don't like it. If she just blows that off - no pun intended - then there really is a problem. Also explain that you don't mind her going out for a few, just not until 4 in the morning.

Compatibility issue in my opinion. If she's not younger than you physically, she's definitely younger than you mentally. This is a serious issue, and BELIEVE ME, I dated one of these party girl types for 2 years and got myself an ulcer being worried sick about her. DON'T KEEP ALLOWING HER TO DO THIS. They continue to be like this as long as you enable them. When they don't see that there's a price for their habits, be it just partying or cocaine, they don't care. I think it's time you ask her to move out, because you're tired of this crap. Even if you don't mean it, watch how she reacts. That'll either push her panic button and she'll straighten up and fly right, or push the other panic button and she'll call your bluff, in which case you have your answers as to what she's after.

Sounds like you're looking to build a future and she's looking for a sugardaddy. F-U-C-K that.

I'd also like to reiterate the tough love aspect of this. My ex was into this sort of crap and didn't respond to reason. When she saw I was serious about leaving this situation, she tried to straighten up. Then went right back to her habits 6 months later and tried to blame me for it. These people just aren't mature at all, and the only way the learn is when they hit rock bottom and realize their bad habits cost them good things.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by nwguy

Hello folks, :)

Just a question I would like answered.

I have been dating a girl (25y/o) for a while now, 2 months ago she decided to move in with me (i.e. I hinted at it, she gladly accepted, as i have a place which is in a better/safer part of town, and it's mine so she does not have to waste money on rent, etc. etc. but this is not a $$ issue)

Anyhow... I work in an architectural firm from roughly 8am to 4pm, she works in a restaurant/club/bar. usually from 5pm to 1am.

Now this never bothered me before, as we always made time for each other and all that stuff but now i see how she spends her time after work and it worries me a bit.

i.e. when she gets off work she says she's just going out for a drink and she'll be home soon, which usually ends up being after 4am (piss off #1) - late & lack of communication

She won't call me to tell me this, but then again i am asleep by 1:30.

On a few occasions she came home at noon the next day, telling me she passed out at her friends, etc. (piss off #2) - no communication again

Again on a few occasions she hinted to me that she likes to do blow on occasion. I said to her that i don't approve of it, etc. and told her that at her age she should know better. Smoking pot is one thing (i could care less) but doing blow is a little over the top for me.

Problem is she said that if she feels like doing it she will, etc. etc. (mind you she has done it once in the last month so i don't think she has a problem) the problem is that she tells me i'm a right wing nutjob with my views on drugs and that i should relax a bit.

I did my share prior to finishing college and told her that it is not for me. Now everytime she goes out i get pissed off because i think she might do it again, etc. etc. she tells me no, and i trust her, but part of me thinks she is too easily influenced by her co workers who she goes for drinks with.

Should i tell her how i feel about this again (and i love this girl a lot) or should i set an ultimatum and watch her walk out the door (hopefully not). There really is so much more to her then the partying and her work/night lifestyle (due to her job) and I dont want to mess it up by playing the control freak boyfriend part. Any sublte ways of doing this???

p.s.

sorry for the lengthy write up, just wanted to give a 'feel' to my situation, so that it would not be confused for something it is not (ie. big drug or booze problem)

Thanks in advance :)

edited to add: I am 28 y/o (just for reference)

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I have many friends that work in the same industy, and have the same lifestyle as your g/f. B/c she does not have normal work hours, she is going to spend the majority of her free time with those that do. Believe me, she should be pass the stage of partying. She should be at a point in her life where she wants to develop her career or relationship. Your lifestyles don't mesh, you are like two passing ships in the night. In order for a relationship to work you need the same beliefs, intersts lifstyle etc. From personal experince, Ihave a horrendous work schedule. It has been very difficult to maintain a relationship. Example, when people are celebrating Holidays; I am working them. I guess what I am getting at here is you two don't want/share the same lifestyle. Get out while you can.

Thank you everyone for your input and advice.

Perfect answerrrrrr

Correction : is she putting this before you?