So I'm a little over 30 weeks pregnant and my mother-in-law wants to be very hands on .
She told (not asked) my husband yesterday that she wants to be in the delivery room .
I am totally not OK with this, so my husband is going to tell her no, but I feel kind of guilty about it, I don't want to hurt her feelings.

Also she had previously offered to watch the baby for us once I go back to work , which I am also not OK with.
Im not a control freak, I just really don't trust her and ultimately would not feel safe placing my son in a situation that could be life-threatning. This sounds extreme, but its not. Just last weekend my SIL walked into my MIL's bedroom and found her passed out on the floor from taking too many pills or mixing them, we're not sure which.
She also is a chain-smoker, and I don't want my baby to be around any sort of secondhand smoke.
Whenever my husband and I discuss her babysitting it ends up being an argument because he feels as though I look down on his family, which is not the case, I just can't risk my baby's safety.

My mom suggested that I let my MIL watch the baby for like an hour or so when I run errands to make my MIL and my husband happy, but after this past weekend's episode I don't even think I could handle doing that without going out of my mind with worry.

I'm also afraid she will try to stop by all the time after my baby is born and I really value my privacy and don't want any univited guests.
I don't know how to tell her to back off without being rude, but she has even referred to the baby as "my baby".
Her baby?

I just need some advice on how to nicely deal with my overbearing MIL.
Help?

I understand where you are coming from regarding your baby's safety, and second hand smoke is worse then inhaling it. As for her passing out and the issue with the medications (which is just heresay I might add, and may not be true), I would be careful about leaving the baby alone with her for an extended period, but you really can't so no to her visiting for a short period.

I would put it right on the line in around the kitchen table with her and your hubby there, possibly your SIL, and straight out tell them all the reasons you want your privacy (it is your choice absolutely who is in the delivery room) and I don't think her being there is appropriate anyway, and all the reasons you don't want her to babysit. It may ruffle some feathers but where the issue is a new life in jeopardy, then don't pull any punches.

Tick

Boy do I know where you're coming from. You may as well be talking about my MIL (she's passed away now) when my kids were born, minus the pills.

The way I handled the smoking was telling her that I don't begrudge her right to smoke, but second hand smoke is dangerous and I cannot put my child in danger. If she wants to see her grandchild she'll have to go without a smoke while she's with him/her. If she can't do that, she can go outside, or stay home.

My MIL pushed me to the limit. We'd meet her at a restaurant (back then you could still smoke in restaurants) and she'd be waiting for us in the smoking section, cigarette in hand, look of defiance on her face. So I'd wave, and ask the waiter to seat is in the non smoking section. She'd grumble, but after finishing her cigarette she'd come join us.

If we went to her house and she lit a cigarette, I'd pack my kids up and leave. There were a few times that we only stayed for 5 minutes. She got upset. I finally had to tell her in no uncertain terms that they're my kids, it's my rules, and if she can't spend 1 hour without having a smoke, that's her problem. I will not expose my kids to that. She finally relented.

I did end up letting her babysit when my son was 2 years old. I didn't have a choice. My mother had cancer, and was unable to watch my son. Well, in a span on 1 week my mother in law got locked out of my house (she went outside to have a smoke) with my 2 year old all alone. My son ran outside and hid under a neighbors car because he didn't want to be with grandma. She would feed him junk food all day. It was just too much. I ended up having to quit my job because I couldn't afford daycare, and I had no other option.

You need to nip this in the bud right now. You really do need to talk to your husband first, voice your concerns in a reasonable way, let him know why you're worried. Then it's time to go to you MIL as a united team, and tell her what your concerns are as well. Lay down the rules. This is your child. She should be a part of the babies life, but she doesn't make the decisions.

You have to nip this one in the bud, before the baby arrives.

Above and beyond anything else, the number one priority has to be the safety of the baby.

Clearly, it is not safe, to allow your mother in law, to be trusted to care for an infant. It is because of her actions, that you have that obvious conclusion. If you were about to hire a sitter, and were told the incident with the pills, would you hire her anyway?

You are certainly entitled to direct the traffic in the delivery room!! I would politely, but firmly tell your mother in law - yourself- that although you appreciate that she wants to be there when the baby is born, only your own mother will be allowed in the delivery room, and your husband. She will be most welcome to wait it out in the waiting room, and you will make sure she sees the baby as soon as possible after its birth.

Also tell her that you have asked everybody (including your own mother) to allow you time at home with your husband and your new baby, to adjust. You will tell her, when you feel up to company, and kindly ask her not to drop by, especially in the first few weeks.

If she doesn't get it, so what.

I'm not sure I'd be using my husband as a go-between. Surely two women can talk turkey without needing a referee.

Nothing you are concerned about wouldn't be the same concerns most women would have under the same circumstances.

EVerybody has given such wonderful advice that the only advice I am going to give will be about the delivey room.

I am a delivery room nurse, and I run into this quite frequently. This is how it is handled so that nobody's feelings get hurt.

While you are laboring, and are alone with your nurse, which will happen at least once or twice during labor, you tell the nurse that you would like to have ONLY your husband in the room with you during the delivery. Let her know that the MIL wants, and expects, to be there but you don't feel comfortable with that.

It then becomes my job to clear the labor/delivery room for the actual delivery. Feelings may get hurt, but the family gets temporarily mad at me as the nurse for pushing them out, rather than getting mad at you or your husband.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by J_9

It then becomes my job to clear the labor/delivery room for the actual delivery. Feelings may get hurt, but the family gets temporarily mad at me as the nurse for pushing them out, rather than getting mad at you or your husband.

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Yep... I always tell my parents that the nurses will be the first line of defense and that they have no problem being the fall guy... :D

brcan6: you will have to be the voice for your son and his well-being. You can put a twist to how you say things to help your mother-in-law avoid feeling too defensive. Let her know that you are sure she wouldn't want her grandson being around cigarette smoke and since it does linger in curtains, furniture, clothing, etc. you know that she will understand your desire to not have him have even a small exposure to it.

You can also play the paranoid first time mother card... acknowledge that you probably are being overly worried, but ask her to humor you as you get used to taking care of a new baby and learning the ropes. Ask for her advice now and then, she no doubt will have some helpful tips, and she will be less inclined to feel put out. Let her know before baby is born that you will be wanting some time to get settled in and get to know baby before you have people over, but that you know her help and advice will be invaluable so you will no doubt be contacting her on a regular basis for those helpful tips. A bit later on, when she is over to your house, let her keep an eye on him while you take a shower, run a quick errand to the store, bank, post office, etc. Maybe start with asking her while your husband is at home as well, so both of them will be with baby while you go out. She will get to spend time with him, it will be in your home, and you will have the chance to gradually become more comfortable with her watching him.

I'd handle it like this,

- make a "no visitors" policy while you're at the hospital... give yourself a chance to have that time to yourselves. Tell them that if you get out of the hospital by noon, you'd love to get home and get settled, take a nap, get a shower and get settled, and that you'd like them to come around 5 and will order some pizzas for dinner. If you get tired, you do not have to stay up and entertain - go to bed and let your husband deal with his parents if they overstay their welcome.

You also may need to put your foot down on other privacy issues... friends of mine had to actually tell their mother's in law that they didn't want company while they were breastfeeding. One put a lock on the baby room door so her mother in law couldn't barge in and would just say, "I'm feeding the baby and will be out in a while". When the mom said, "oh, it's just us girls" she just said, "I'd like some privacy, please" and the mom got the clue - finally! I know some mothers are comfortable feeding babies in front of everyone - my take on it is that what prevails should be what makes the mother comfortable.


As for the childcare, just say, "no thank you. We've decided we want you to keep the special role of grandmother and not be the childcare provider. For that role, we want someone who works for us, who we feel comfortable telling what to do and how to do it, and who we can fire if we want to. That's not the role we want for you - you are more special than that as the grandmother." if she argues, just say, "this is not something we're going to change our mind on or argue about and we're asking that you respect that we're the parents adn we've made this final decision together, not to hurt you but to provide what we feel is the best situation for us and the baby".

You also need to be honest and firm and non-apologetic about your policy of "no smoking" around the baby - period.

I would not leave the child alone with her given the prescription drug issue - rumor or not. You believed the story, which makes me think this isn't an isolated concern.