Ask Me Help Desk - It's finally over or is it?

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I got this bombshell tonight, at first I thought she was joking.

We have been in a relationship for 4+ years, the relationship started very hot but has waned in the past year. I have high blood pressure and taking a beta blocker which kills my erections, takes forever to get one and maintaining one is very difficult also. She was very eager to satisfy me, and would spend a lot of time helping me achieve an erection. I would digitally stimulate her but she did not like me performing oral sex on her. I felt a lot of frustration with my dysfunction and I was not meeting her needs. The sex stopped and we have not had sex in over a year. Sleeping on her double bed she was very cramped and she would complain about not getting enough sleep and sometimes I snore, so I started sleeping on the couch. We spend a lot of time together, and I had thought she was going to eventually move into my house. I have been remodeling it with that intention. I spent my time between my house and her small apartment. Last year I was fired and then re-instated and have been on paid administrative leave since. I have been spending a lot of time at her apartment. We are together, but really haven't been together. We haven't exactly clicked. We should have had this conversation about six months ago.

She told me she needs some space, she also relied on the old cliché "she wants to be friends". She still cares for me and wants to be able to do stuff together, but doesn't know if she wants to be in a relationship together. She said she has been stressed and on edge and been cold towards me and it wasn't fair to me for her to be like this. I told her I have been uneasy also, but didn't know how to bring up the subject or to breathe new energy into the relationship. I told her I still cared for her and would like to work on the relationship instead of just throwing 4 years away. After talking for about 1 1/2 hours I got up to leave, she gave me a long hug. I told her to give me a call this weekend. I left her apartment I left some of my things there, I didn't want to take the time to pack the stuff up, and went back to my house.

I'm sitting in my house tired but too on edge to sleep. I thought if I put my thoughts in writing I might make heads or tails of things. Reading these forums has not helped, is the relationship over and is she just trying to break things off easy. She also said she doesn't want to throw away 4 years, but also said she doesn't know what she wants but what has been going on for the last year is not what she wants. Can we put new energy into this relationship, I know relationships take work and we both agreed we had not been putting much work into it. Any suggestions are welcomed. I'm at a loss, I'm willing to do anything, if she is willing keep the relationship alive. I'm also willing to give her her space, but I don't know if I can have her as just a friend, because I think every time we did something together it would just break my heart.

When somebody asks for space that's what you give them.
You can only get on with your own life and do your own thing.

It seems her feelings have changed and she has given up on the relationship and unless she were seriously willing to discuss working on getting the relationship back on track,there is nothing you can do.

All I'm going to say for now is.. .
If you have erectile dysfunction, haven't had sex for 12 months and sleep on the couch because she says it's cramped in the double bed.. .
How in heavens name do you think she was going to move into your house ?
How many red flags do you need ? 12 months of no sex means that you had your 12 months to fix things up.

But I don't blame you, unless you've been with a lot of women, you wouldn't know that you need to be THE mind reader of the relationship.

All you can do is give her what she wants, space. Let her get her head on straight and you do the same. Moving in together will NOT solve these problems, time and communication will. You will only create more problems

I realize moving in now is not an option, but the stress of having two people somewhat living in a small apartment did create stress. My house is in the remodeling stage. That was creating stress, my job situation was creating stress. I was looking/living in the future, once we get do this or when the job situation clears up things will be better then I can address this issue. I wasn't living in the present and we should have been dealing with the current issues, but now maybe things have gone too far and cannot rekindle. I agree all I can do is give her the space, but it will be so hard, it finally sank in this morning when I wasn't having coffee and breakfast with her that I came to realize much much a part of my she has become. I live in a small town how do I deal with the hurt without it getting back to her I have been discussing the current situation. I can't bottle it up and swallow the pain and hurt.

Be with and talk to people you trust and who truly care for you.
Have you read the advice stickies at the top of the relationship page?

I've read what a lot of people have written and it doesn't give me much hope. I have a lot of time on my hands, administrative leave from work , nobody to spend my evenings with, already spend too much time in gym, I don't watch T.V. and I don't go crying to the few friends I do have, and drive them away. Just a lot of time on my hands to stew.

I know a 4 years relationship is hard to give up but 12 months without having sex is really too long you have to move on.You also need to go out and see your few friends cause even if you don't go crying in front of them you have to be with those who care for you and have fun with them instead of just going to gym.

Why you simply didn't tell your doctor what you medication was doing to your sex life is beyond me, but that inaction may have cost you after 12 months.

You have your own issues with your job, your house, and your health, to deal with, besides her actions, and that's where you focus.

Leave her alone and get your own personal problems solved, is where I would start getting my life back.

The stickies are not to give you hope she changes her mind but what your priorities should be. She was clear, and hard as it is to see through shock, and frustration, and yes, hurt and disappointment, your path is very clear also. You must get yourself back and build a life for yourself that makes you happy without her in it.

Thats the hope the stickies can give you, that its possible to be happy with who you are.

The problem I don't think she was clear, she wants space and everything I have read that means it is over. But, she still wants to be friends and she doesn't know if she wants it to end either. I did get my medication changed but then the job stress was amped up and blood pressure went up and doctor decided to put me back on a beta blocker to help with the stress. Are the words she using just code for it is done, and she is just trying to make it easy one everyone.

Quote:

Originally Posted by rsacid

Are the words she using just code for it is done, and she is just trying to make it easy one everyone.?

You just hit the nail on the head , and the fact she says she still wants to be friends is to ease her guilt.

I would certainly see this as over, leave her alone and be as active in my own recovery as possible.

Ok, new update, we talked, she clarified what she meant, she wants her personal space, not distance. I was always over to her small apartment. She wants the time we had about a year ago. I'm willing to talk to a doctor about my issues, I have an appointment next week (It needed to be addressed even if this does not work out). I realize that trying to capture the past is very difficult to do, but if she is honest about wanting the relationship to work we both need to work on our communication. I'll always have last Monday's conversation in the back of my mind. I also found out some info on her that I didn't know, I never questioned her past and she never questioned my past, because it was in the past. A friend of mine worked with the aunt of he ex-fiance. Said she had an affair and then got back with her fiancé. Ultimately the relationship failed. Should I bring up this info or let it lie in the past. History has a way of predicting the future. We went out to dinner last night, used gift certificates we had received from Christmas. It was a good time but didn't discuss Monday. She wants it to be like it was a year ago how do I re-establish intimacy without being too pushy.

I wouldn't expect intimacy to change in a couple days.
I would start by trying to sweep her off her feet all over again. Avoid being negative in anyway, if she says something negative to you, just take a breathe, and don't retaliate. One day at a time, start doing small things for her. Flowers, calling during the day to see how she is doing and if she needs anything. Watch the movie fireproof together!
This process can take up to 40 days! Don't even bring up the intimacy, let it come natural!
She wants you two to have fun again, and have the spark.Take negative out of your lives!
Save up for a vacation! Vacations do wonders for intimacy

Make love to her mind.

I think if you slowed down, and take time and be intimate through communications and just have fun, you will be a lot better off.

Physical pleasures can wane even for healthy people, and that's when you really find out what you have going for you besides just sex, based on performance.

Get it through your head the many levels of making love, and explore them.

Leave the past, in the past, and live for now. I think what she is looking for is a connection that can be built on over time.

That's what binds us, not the bedroom performance.

Thanks, I realize now that our relationship had been in a rut for a long time. I also thought, right now I'm stressed the doctor wants me on a beta blocker to deal with job stress. Things will get better, I was off blood pressure medicine before I will be taking off from it again. The performance in the bedroom will return. But, now I see I was not meeting any of her needs, I just hope we can re-establish what we had a year ago.

There are an awful lot of negativity in this forum, what I have read will always be in the back of my mind, what if she is just using me to be the go to guy until she finds another person to fill the void.

I have a lot to think about and a lot of work to do. I don't expect anything over night.

We kind of started our relationship suddenly. I knew her for about a year before asking to go kayaking. Kayaking turned to dinner than a movie then back to my house to watch a movie. We didn't have sex that night because I stopped it to slow things down. After that first date we were spending all of our free time together. But my job gave her space, I work odd hours and some weekends.

Quote:

Originally Posted by rsacid

There are an awful lot of negativity in this forum,

It's called Reality not negativity.

As you say yourself it took this to open your eyes to the fact your relationship was going downhill , we see this here all the time and most of the time it's too late to repair , and when the dumpee hears this it's not what they want to hear. Most come here expecting a quick fix , unfortunately this doesn't happen and after a while they realise what we're saying is correct and we're only trying to help them to move on as quick as possible.

I hope it's not too late for you , good luck.

My whole thing is your being able to heal, and make better decisions based on facts, and not just feelings (hurt, shock, disappointment, rejection or fear to name a few)

One week down, still don't know where I stand. We stent a pretty good weekend together, well, sort of, her parents were with us for most of the weekend. Hiking, a movie, then a basketball game on V-day. No discussion of her getting her space, should I have brought it up? Sunday morning I woke up in my bed, dammit, cooked blueberry pancakes signed her valentine's card and put everything together and went over to her apartment. She was a little upset about being woken up, but the outward appearance of displeasure went away quickly. We had to be on the road by 10:30 to make it to the game, it was 9:30. We rode in her car and her parents and brother rode in their car. We made small talk, mostly. I did get her to discuss her job and something's going on at her work. Am I going about this the right way, to win back her heart.

The on a good note, she invited herself over for dinner tonight, I'm not that good of a cook. She could get a free meal at her parents and they are much better cooks than I.