Last summer my fiancé went out to a restaurant with his friend for some drinks. Then he went to a strip club after going to this restaurant and before coming home. He came home drunk and laid on the couch and passed out. However, before passing out I asked him if he went to the restaurant and he replied yes. He never told me he went anywhere else.
A month goes by and him and his friends are outside my house having a fire and I overheard one of them talking about a strip-club he went to. So I listened. My fiancé started to whisper and was explaining to them how he had to change bank statements on our online account to say they were from a gas station rather than a strip-club. At this point I freaked out because I had this strange feeling inside me the whole time that he went there because it was on the same street as the restaurant. Long story short, he hid it from me but didn't technically lie about it I guess?
So, I was VERY upset with him and the next morning I actually left really early for a couple hours and sat in my car thinking. Why would he hide this and what else is he hiding from me?? We eventually were able to talk and to this day I haven't been able to forgive him.
A couple nights ago he called me when he was out with his friends at a bar and asked if I would mind if he went across the street to a strip-club. I said, " You can go. You make your own decisions." He obviously knew what I meant and didn't go. But he probably also felt like an idiot in front of his friends considering they were making fun of him all night.
Here's my question: If he really loves me, why doesn't he respect my wishes on this issue?? Why did he go in the first place last summer? Why would he ask this time if he could go? He knows I don't agree with him going.

I have absolutely no problem with single people going to strip-clubs but I feel that in MY relationship with a man I don't agree with being able to watch another person sexually turn them on and create feelings inside.

This sort of situation will have a variety of opinions because people have different feelings on the subject.

One way you can look at it: He likely went along the first time because he was with a friend, had been drinking, seemed like a good idea at the time, likely it was the friend's idea, maybe he wanted to see what it was all about. He didn't tell you because he probably knew you wouldn't be thrilled with the idea... which, obviously he was right.

However, he was very open with you and considered your feelings by asking if you would mind if he went again with his friends. He could have gone and not said anything, but instead he brought it to you, got your opinion (even though it would have been better if you just stated how you felt), and respected your feelings... even if it meant taking some ribbing from his friends. He put your feelings on the matter ahead of his friends. Who knows, maybe he knew what you would say and used that as an out because he wasn't really all that interested but felt it helped him to save face in front of his friends.

I think too, it appears this was a one off type of thing. Something that came up to do with friends; not something he would do on a regular basis and not on his own.

Katie,


I agree with DoulaLC--first time was just because he was with bunch of friends. Second he more then likely didn't want to go and used your answer as an out to his friends.

Let me state that I also would not care to see my man going to a strip club on a regular bases. However I would like to take this time to well I wanted to write the warn, but that seems kind of harsh so lets use the word guide you that a relationship is not were EITHER one you should feel that you have to ask permission from the other to make a move. That would be a dictatorship and NOT a loving relationship.

I understand that he went and didn't tell you the first time, but listen if you think that you will never be in a situation were you either do something or are in knowledge of something and keep if from him to prevent hell from opening up and snatching you down you are sitting way to high on a pedestal. It happens to both people in a relationship, yes it might not be a strip club that you keep secret, but there will be something that you will hide--it could be a purchase of clothing,purse,shoes,etc, night on town with girls...

I guess what Im trying to say is please don't get so caught with blinding yourself to the first occurrence. Nobody likes to have their partner act like their and judge, jury ,punisher in a relationship. Actions like that usually cause a break up, then they are sitting around wondering what the heck happened, and wishing they could take it all back.

Stop dwelling on this for your own sake, there must be a lot of great things that have also happened in this relationship that perhaps you should be dwelling on more.

Take care

Thanks so much for your views and advice.
Answerme_tender I don't think he feels like he needs to ask permission before he does things. I trust him and have always encouraged him to go out with his friends, which he does. As for this subject I think because of the past situation with him hiding it from me was the reason why he asked. I just figured we had already figured this all out and if he is still unsure we obviously need to talk about it more.
And comparing a strip club visit to purchasing a pair of shoes is strange to me. I am not a closet shopper and I don't hide anything from him. I'm aware that maybe in the future someday I may do something silly.. BUT we both encourage each other to go out with friends or alone to do things for ourselves. We have an amazing relationship with two children. I just needed some help and advice because I have NO ONE to talk to besides him.
Thanks again :)

He made a mistake, PAID FOR IT and did better the next time. You have a good man, what more could you ask for. Treat him good.

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I don't agree with being able to watch another person sexually turn them on and create feelings inside.

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Just a different perspective, I think a shopping spree that's kept secret is way worse than going to the booty bar and enjoying the show. That's all it is to a guy, a show.

Heck its no different to most of us as watching the girls on a summer day while we wait for the wife to come out of the store. Most times its better since its FREE! So don't take the ways of man, especially younger ones so personally you look down on yourself. We guys can get to feeling certain ways off a magazine, or any image, so if you love him, LET IT GO!

I've been through the whole strip club secrecy drama, and I know it's not fun at all. BUT.. Like Tal said, the fact that he made the mistake and did better next time says a lot in my opinion. That sure as heck didn't happen in my past experiences!

More often than not, these issues are going to present themselves in any relationship. The fact that he was open and respected your feelings the second time around says to me you need to let this one go. A lot of us who were poorly treated in bad relationships would love to have a guy like that! I know it's not easy, but it sounds like you have a really good relationship going otherwise. Concentrate on the good and remember that he learned from his mistake.

Thank you