Ask Me Help Desk - My mother inlaw has made me break down

Warning: LONG

I am all to exhausted with 16 years of sabotage deceit and lies from my mother in-law.I have tried to be the better person and come from a up bringing to respect everyone and to cherish my husband.Innocent me chose a life that has brought pain, heart- ache and unhappiness and much more.I endured so much hurtful behavior that I can't believe my husband and I are still together. My mother in-law has a very dominating nature and is very male orientated, so obsessed with herself and money that she would trade in even her own flesh and blood. Nothing is ever her fault and she leaves a path of destruction where ever she goes. She has mentally bullied me and mocked me and played me up for so many years. Because of my nature, I never stuck up for myself and have had an extremely difficult marriage.

My husband was not taught boundaries and was always put up as a prize by his mother where anything he did she claimed his glory and still tries to this very day.she taught her son to only love her, and when we were younger and dating he use to treat me with little respect and made sure not to show me affection in-front of her to please her. He knew it was wrong inside but its what he was taught.

When we got married and still living near her she made sure I was not the wife but she would act like she was, when we had our first child I was criticized and mocked,she use to play so many mind games. I nearly left my husband 5 years ago cause I was fed up and it was changing-my good nature and destroying me as a person.He begged me not to go and said he loves me and he will make it right, although he never came with me to a marriage expert, the marriage expert told me why my husband is like he is towards me, he had mentioned some name called Mother-soul, don't know can't remember and gave me info to take back to my husband about building boundaries and what he should be doing as a husband in support to my emotional needs.My husband was taken back by how accurate the info was and I got to know what it was like for him to be smothered in her selfish love.

I through all my time never disrespected his mother and always told him to love her forgive her and pray. Well we decided to move countries, the expert told me that the further away I move in the beginning will make the problem at first very big, where my husband will become more like his mother and of course his mother will hate me for taking her son away. My decision to immigrate was for my daughter mostly a better life and safety, the mother in law made up my mind to do this when my husband was in Japan for 2 months and she never bothered to contact me or spend time with her grand daughter she so boats to other people about but actually could not care about.

So a few years past and the heat was off us from her just stupid childish remarks to people about me, she never directly contacted me or her grand children but only my husband, when he asked that when she calls could she at least ask how's the kids and me doing, of course this angered her etc.. So last year she came to visit us, and all hell broke loose. When I finally stuck up for myself she got so mad she got violent when my husband for the first time stuck up to her, she went crazy, she demanded to be put on plane and never wants to see us ever again, she has now told so many lies to everyone, everything she uttered out of her mouth and every action she did, she said we did it to her.

My daughter who is 7 was crying and we did not know she was watching in a corner, she told me granny is so horrible mommy!! Now she is back in her country, claiming she is mending with us by email and she is playing the victim. She has emailed me saying she wants to move forward and forget the past 16 years etc... only to find out she is lying about that, it so happens we came across her emails to and fro my husbands brother gran and friends and family, it was horrific what she was saying.

I shook-with tears and my husband is so ashamed. We are not to sure how to handle it from here, but I am so glad I did not give up on my husband and that I handled all these years taking the beating and not fighting fire with fire, it has gained my husbands love taught him what his mother never did, although I am suffering silently inside about why this happened to us, I am looking for help.

You live in another country she's a never done your relationship with your husband any good?
You haven't told me a single positive thing about her, the answer seems pretty clear, cut any contact with her. And the e-mails she sends around if people react on that and takes her side. Then explain how it went down, if still take her side, then screw them. Your mission in life is to surround yourself with people that love you and want good things to come your way. She clearly isn't that person!

A word comes to mind, Good riddance! Well it's not 'a' word, but you get the picture.

Thank you Ken.

My husband has said exactly that good riddance, but is it right to cut people out of your life your own flesh and blood? I so want her to change, I so want a Mother in law you have no idea. My husband has said to me that she will never change! Its so sad, I have 2 kids and I think how can they not changes someone's life for the better. Oh and I forgot to mention the underwear she had planted in my 2 year old sons drawer just before she left, a decent pair of black knickers with a bow, the only thing is, it smelled of her luggage and bath soaps she had, and it was in the section that I did not go in at all while she was there. Should I confront her, or just burn them?

Quote:

Oh and I forgot to mention the underwear she had planted in my 2 year old sons drawer just before she left, a decent pair of black knickers with a bow, the only thing is, it smelled of her luggage and bath soaps she had, and it was in the section that I did not go in at all while she was there. Should I confront her, or just burn them?

Cut off the bow, have them laundered, and let him wear them. Forget the rest of that drama.

Not to be harsh, but from where I sit, there is enough drama and blame to go around. Between YOU, your HUSBAND, and his mama! So to see this as all her and him isn't realistic, nor true, no matter the behavior. It happens as people adjust to each other, and their ways, but the fact that stands out is,

Quote:

when we were younger and dating he use to treat me with little respect and made sure not to show me affection in-front of her to please her. He knew it was wrong inside but its what he was taught.

You married him any way, so you both had a lot yet to learn, and make adjustments to. It doesn't happen over night, it could take years (and did), and the way you described your own upbringing, I am more than surprised you didn't have the counsel of family, and friends along the way.

Seeing as she is far away, forget her, because she no longer should be the focus, not her words, actions, or who she talks to. Keep building with your mate, and leave the rest of the drama, and trauma where it is, with them that are around her.

It doesn't matter what she did, or is doing now, only what you and your husband do with each other. He is adjusting, adjust with him. You sound like you are finally making good progress, and that's something to build on, so don't be stuck of past mistakes, and events. Let them go, and pray for the woman.

Good Luck!

Hope,

I use to in position as your daughter was. My Mother and Grandmother absolutely hated each other. My Grandmother was an dominating woman who liked to be in control of every aspect of her children's lives. She broke up 2 of my Aunts marriages, and 1 of my Uncles. My Uncle finally moved from midwest to Mass to get away from her. My father married my Mother who had been married before w/ children. My grandmother couldn't control her, yet if my mother would just come right out and tell that woman off it might of put limits on my grandmothers interference,but instead my mother suffered for YEARS.

My mother gave my father the ultimatum to move away or a divorce, of course my father was a totally dominating **** like his mother so wish he would have chosen divorce, but unfortuantely for me he choose to move to different state.

To make long story short, my Mother and Grandmother never did get along EVER. If my mother would have just gotten off her chest her feelings and then chosen to ignore my grandmother instead of dwelling on it would have made her life a lot less stressful!!

Day of my grandmothers funeral my mother actually made the comment that "atleast I out lived that old B**ch" --3weeks later my mother died of massive heart attack!! Stop wasting your time over a woman that you will never be able to change, so just ignore her, stop letting her have so much power of YOUR emotional heath!!

Take care

Im fairly positive oceans, continents and polars wouldn't be further enough apart. But the fact she has to fly there... its distance enough.

Doesn't take much to cut someone out of the family these days.

I'm fairly positive you and your husband are well due some peace and quiet and the time to reflect on your relationship and where you're now going.. without a Mother-In-Law from hell.

Good luck to you both!

You are very right, I just don't no how to let go and have no clue as why Im holding on. I think its because Im at 32 years of age now and maybe there issome bottled up things from all aspects of life and let me tell you its been a tough time married to my husband but, have 2 awesome kids and I look at them and think how can they not make someone like her change. After yesterday, when I went to pick up my daughter from school, she gave me her weekly school note and it so happens that there was a long quote on letting go of fears, I could not believe how perfect it was and I am making a point to read it every day. Its excellent and its do directed to me. Thank you so much for your words x

You need to do some counseling to help rid you of that anger and I think both you and your husband need to go.
I'm surprised your anger is not at him for allowing this. He's a grown man with kids he's not a child stop treating him like one.
Do the some counseling and get over this and don't let the woman back in your home.

You knew how she and he was and you married him anyway. That part is on you. He allowed her to disrespect you and that is on him.

Talanimans The above comment was for mystific, sorry,

^^ I actually think it was meant for Answer.. :)

Quote:

Obstacles are like wild animals. They are cowards but they will bluff you if they can. If they see you are afraid of them... they are liable to spring upon you; but if you look them squarely in the eye, they will slink out of sight. ~Orison Swett Marden

Talanimans what I would like to say for you, is yes I really get all you are saying, I have been told that no matter who married my husband they would have had the same treatment.And I am happy you mentioned about my family and that is a whole new topic, but although I said I was taught to respect and cherish, I had a very strict up bringing, and we were taught not to stand up for ourselves and no courage so to speak and yes that as made me as I feel a wash over, after reading 5 Ways to Become a Mother-in-Law Whisperer, I just thought why did I not have that type of thinking at the time. My mother in law smelled my fear! I will say with all honesty and my husband totally can back me up I treated her with respect every-time I was with her, when I had my first child I toughened up a little but I have no idea on how to deal with matters like my mother inlaw in my early 20s, now that I live in another country for almost 5 years and was aloud to be a wife, and maturity helps heaps, also being more the quieter type your listen more. Im also more the do as you told type and do it right type lol, that's changed a bit and yes my husband has helped me toughen up.My mother inlaw came to visit us and the day she landed she said to me I am not going home!! She wanted to leave her husband (my husbands step father)and just throw him away and spoke down about her other son, we found 3 days into her being with us she was running from a company she was working for and was accused of stealing a huge amount of money from them!! We had all that mess to deal with ontop of the fact that I have been very sick for 2 years and have been suffering from fatigue etc.. to cut along story short we had so many other stresses to deal with so it was tough on my kids husband and me, and as usual she did not care, but being me I said to her fine we will deal with this positively and tried to be the better person which works to her favour, I now realize I should have practiced the dog awareness.Well after she dug her claws into my daughter playing her up against me something very instinctive came over me, like a lioness and her cubs, I went to her one night and said to her firmly, please do not interfere with the kids in anyway and could you please spend more time with them when my husband is not around, cause she would only look good when my husband was around. She turned around and gave me a look of note, and then it all began, she went on about so many things about how this person did this etc.. And we don't now what she has been through, when I interrupted her and said hang!! Now its my time to speak and you are about to get 16 years a confrontation, about what really has been happening. She was so shocked to know about things we new that she has done, that she felt cornered, and better yet I spilled out everything she did to me in such accurate detail, my husband was in the room with us, so she did what she has done for years clawed her way out and became very violent and felt panicky. When she finally turned around and told me she hates me I asked her why!! I have been a good person all my life and I have treated her son so well, why does she hate me... then she turned around and said because you are PERFECT!! She has been so insanely jealous over me all these years. I was shocked, because I am far from perfect!! if only she knew.Now she is back home and the very people she wanted to leave behind she has lied to them about what happened here and they will not talk to us and are calling us terrible names etc... that blows my mind don't take lightly to Hippocrates which was an important thing as my upbringing, my dad was all against Hippocrates... As for my parents sorry went off the topic there, but you might not believe me but they don't know how bad its been over the years, Im a bit maybe to proud to tell them or I just could not burden them it would break my dads heart, they love my husband which is a clear indication how much they love me. My husband is a great guy, don't get me wrong, I did marry him anyway because there is such a great guy in there, and being young you hold onto it, until I realized it years later and wanted to leave him. I told him I have wasted my life in this horror story of your mother, its not easy to ignore a women like her at that stage, esp when you standing alone my husband would not stand up to her. He had no idea about values of marriage etc... because he was taught to love his mother, there is a huge picture which I feel I can't expose because its not right for me to do that to my husband, but it will make more scenes of what his life was like at home with his mother, from a broken family to a mother that put him up there where a husband should be etc that effected our marriage.. but talaniman you have a knack to get things out and dig, I really love it its like therapy which I need. Thank you.

So sorry you went through all that, I really wish I had a better way of telling what went on over the 16 years with my mother inalw, I have never had a row with her I was to scared, I use to allow all the crap, I no that now, but when you are young you don't think the same as you get older, maturity helps heaps, well for me at least. Some people just don't mature.

Not therapy, just an honest friend. You are stronger than you think, and sometimes you have to see where you have started, and look where you are. That's a long way in my book, and I think the best news is that it will get even better.

And thanks for the very kind words, makes my day. :D

Homegirl, I have had plenty of resentment, and I did want to leave him, but you hold onto hope, my husband is a great guy, in the marriage department his up-bring and mother effected it, I have stuck by him because I was explained by a marriage councilor what is going on in my husbands head and he said I am very in-love with him, So complicated.I am so glad I did not bail out on him, and honored that Ive taught him not knowingly how to be a man and a father and a husband, however we still have our down days and boy are they down, but this morning my husband put on my Facebook how he can't live without me and thank you for the years... I cried with happiness, just that staement made it all worth it.For him to do that and open up for the all to see is HUGE.

Having said all that, if only you knew all the steps and phases we went though, you name it it happened!From him being so confused and irritated to punching walls to drinking, and the dominance over me and the control, it was hard, and I could not talk to people about it because they would say no way not him he is so placid!! Boy so complicated.

I'm not saying your husband is not a good man, but he is weak. You both need counseling. He should have been standing up and supporting you all these years and you gave him a pass not to.
It did him no good. He could have been getting help instead you were understanding and coddling him, allowing him to stand back and watch and drink when it got to be too much.
I hope you two make it, in fact I'm sure you will as long as mom stays away, but at some point your husband needs to know the role he played in this and deal with it.
Counseling for both of you will help a great deal
I wish you well.

Not to sure if you have read both my long comments, but I assure you I never allowed him too. A very big deal, when you are younger you don't think the same, only when I had my first child then you start maturing and see things differently. Now at 32, still a bit muddled and gone through all the emotions, such as blame anger resentment resistance all of it, can I proudly say I did my best, Im not the type to make a scene or force people to do anything but I spent a many night pleading with my husband pointing out all the wrongs, in my household I am very different to what I am to everyone else. Given my husband many choices, nearly left him, and even 2 years ago I was ready to pack my bags, I am sure we are heading for better days, but its not easy, Thank you for your comments its always great to get different views.

Do the therapy, it will do you a world of good. Help you deal with the anger and resentment. You must deal with it if you want your marriage to be saved.