I have been w/my boyfriend for 9 years. We've had our problems, major ones are things like his cheating, porn and online personals(not meeting anyone in person). Years ago I caught him looking at porn and after about 2 years of patience, he seemed to have kicked the habit. I don't agree with porn for many reasons andI really don't think it could ever do anything positive for our relationship. I'm no prude, I love having sex with him, I'm the one who wants sex all the time, he could have it once a week and be fine, it's been like that always, just the way he is, just the way I am.

So first it was porn, then it went to online personals but never meeting anyone in person, then it went to meeting women in person and finally it escalated to full blown cheating.

I trust my instincts ALWAYS, they have NEVER failed me. I found out about all the things just because of a strong thought or feeling. He is veru surprised when he discovers that I have found out about his wrong doings.

We've stayed together and I have decided to trust him, finally, it's taken forever. It's so hard letting go of things like that, but I'm not one to hold onto grudges.

Things have been really good between us the last few months, but the past week I've had that old familiar feeling. So today I did something I should have, looked through his history on his computer and like I thought, I found lots of porn and 1 site, Cupid.com. I can guess what his user name and password would be, not to hard. I found he'd just turned his profile off/hidden.

So, natrually I feel hurt and I also know I've crossed major boundries by checking in history, some would say I got what I deserved for checking, and that maybe true too... My question is, what should I do? Tell him what I've done and what I found out, not say anything and accept that this is how things are going to be(I don't want to live with these things), or what?

Any feedback would be great, thanks so much!

You say that you "don't want to live with these things" and frankly, I don't blame you. That being the case, you know what you have to do. Tell him what you've done and found out, then fly the coop. I'm sorry you wasted 9 years of your life before coming to this realization but you seem decisive enough to do the right thing.

Sounds to me that there's something fundamental that he's looking for and you're not giving him. Weather or not you can give it to him at all isn't a decision you can make, and it sounds like he made it already. I will, however object to your complaint about the porn. As a guy, having been in a relationship I was completely satisfied in, I still had porn and would watch it. It's one thing if he'd rather watch porn than have sex, it's another thing entirely if he's bored and you can't help. The cheating and online dating says to me he's looking for somebody else, and that can't be you.

I agree, he is searching else where. There is something missing that you can not give him. You are missing something that you need is true commitement. I agree, admit that you looked at the history. Let him know about it. Make a decision that will make you happiest.

Joe

First,

I am so sorry you had to endure all of this. What it must have done to your heart.
It is the cheating and on-line dating that is so concerning and is a reflection of him not you.

As far as you "investigating", sadly this was something brought on by his past history and your gut feeling saying something is not right. Of course it is a red flag, as it shows a lack of trust issue is present, again, brought on by his past cheating.

What I am trying to say, is to not wrap yourself in a ball, about acting upon your hunch. Snooping is never a healthy action and screams of underlining problems, but you did not get there by yourself. He helped you out a great deal.

Yes, you would feel better in telling him of what you have discovered and how you discovered it. Then, take some quiet time for yourself and really think is this what you want for yourself.

My heart goes out to you and I do wish you the very best.

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Originally Posted by ForeverZero

Sounds to me that there's something fundamental that he's looking for and you're not giving him. Weather or not you can give it to him at all isn't a decision you can make, and it sounds like he made it already. I will, however object to your complaint about the porn. As a guy, having been in a relationship i was completely satisfied in, i still had porn and would watch it. It's one thing if he'd rather watch porn than have sex, it's another thing entirely if he's bored and you can't help. The cheating and online dating says to me he's looking for somebody else, and that can't be you.

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Interesting. For me I believe that everything you do, and I mean EVERYTHING, if you are in a relationship, should better your relationship, should build each others self-esteem. IF you can tell me how porn makes a relationship better, how looking outside your relationship for sexual satisfaction is OK? Because to me it's not. You may have found a girl who doesn't mind porn. That's her choice, still, ALL women should be against porn, just being a sex object is more than pathetic and men that support it are worse. Imagine, would you want your daughter viewing porn, posing for porn? Porn is a total turning off emotions. Thank goodness I know men who actually believe porn is pathetic too and would never support it. Too bad it's not my man. I don't understand how you can actually think it's normal or OK for a man in a relationship to view porn, although I guess if you're cool to your girl getting off to different men everyday, more power to you. I want a man who is a TRUE man, a real individual. A man that can step outside of all that this world has pushed on him to be, want and have. A man that wants to be a moral individual, a man that's actions, EVERYONE, is done is thought of contributing to the relationship.

ForeverZero, I just wanted to make sure you know I am not putting you down or trying to throw negative vibes your way. The porn thing is a VERY sensitive topic for me and while I will always believe what I do about porn, I want you to know that I do understand that all people are different, and that women differ from men and people make choices that work for them. Porn works for you and I understand that. I'm not saying your viewing it makes you a bad person, because it doesn't, but I would ask you to look at porn more closely, ask yourself why you like it, what you get out of it and how does it help the woman you love.

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Originally Posted by puffs28

I have been w/my bf for 9 years. We've had our problems, major ones are things like his cheating, porn and online personals(not meeting anyone in person).

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Once he starts cheating he's never going to stop. I know you've invested 9 years but wouldn't you rather be happy and without him than miserable and be with him.

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Originally Posted by puffs28

Years ago I caught him looking at porn and after about 2 years of patience, he seemed to have kicked the habit. I don't agree with porn for many reasons andI really don't think it could ever do anything positive for our relationship. I'm no prude, I love having sex with him, I'm the one who wants sex all the time, he could have it once a week and be fine, it's been like that always, just the way he is, just the way I am.

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I bet it's that way because he's cheating and he's too tired by the time he comes back to you.

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Originally Posted by puffs28

So first it was porn, then it went to online personals but never meeting anyone in person, then it went to meeting women in person and finally it escalated to full blown cheating.

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One always leads to the other. When you caught him just looking at the personals you should have dropped him.

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Originally Posted by puffs28

I trust my instincts ALWAYS, they have NEVER failed me. I found out about all the things just because of a strong thought or feeling. He is veru surprised when he discovers that I have found out about his wrong doings.

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Your instincts are ALWAYS right. You are correct to follow them and your are wise to listen to them.

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Originally Posted by puffs28

We've stayed together and I have decided to trust him, finally, it's taken forever. It's so hard letting go of things like that, but I'm not one to hold onto grudges.

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I wouldn't suggest you hold a grudge either because that only hurts you, not the other person. But once someone has violated your trust and taken you for granted like that then they must be out of your life. They can bring no value to you or your relationship.

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Originally Posted by puffs28

Things have been really good between us the last few months, but the past week I've had that old familiar feeling. So today I did something I should have, looked through his history on his computer and like I thought, I found lots of porn and 1 site, Cupid.com. I can guess what his user name and password would be, not to hard. I found he'd just turned his profile off/hidden.

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So, natrually I feel hurt and I also know I've crossed major boundries by checking in history,

I would say you did if he hadn't cheated on you before or gone to online dating sites but in this case you did the right thing and didn't cross any boundaries.

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Originally Posted by puffs28

some would say I got what I deserved for checking, and that maybe true too...

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Well yeah, but not the way you mean it. You got what you deserved in the truth, you got what you deserved in knowing he can't or won't change for you, and you got what you deserved in finding out you can do better than this situation is providing you.

Don't be beating yourself up for his behavior. He had 9 years to do right by you, and this is the best he can do? Well you deserve better. You deserve freedom and happiness.

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Originally Posted by puffs28

My question is, what should I do?

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Leave him. I think you know you have to as well. This is never going to get better and in fact it's only going to get worse.

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Originally Posted by puffs28

Tell him what I've done and what I found out, not say anything and accept that this is how things are going to be(I don't want to live with these things), or what?

Any feedback would be great, thanks so much!

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Absolutely not. Do not put up with him or this behavior from any guy. Your better off alone then with this kind of person in your life. Even if your alone you'll feel better without him dragging you down.

To me, you're facing hundreds of thousands of years of evolution. You are never, I mean ever going to find a man who has never looked at another woman and found her attractive, while being in a relationship he's completely satisfied in. So if you think a man should look at you and you only, it's never ever going to happen. You're reasonable to expect a man to be satisfied with you sexually, but sometimes it's not possible to get everything you want out of your woman. Sex does not equal emotion to men, it's entirely possible to conjoin the two, but as I stated earlier, you're never going to find a man that doesn't find other women attractive.

Oh chuff, that is so true. I would much rather stand on my own, that have someone be pulling me down, to the point, I could no longer even stand. Emotional hurt can be so debilating.

No one ever deserves that.

(perfect chuff, had to spread it )

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Originally Posted by ForeverZero

To me, you're facing hundreds of thousands of years of evolution. You are never, i mean ever going to find a man who has never looked at another woman and found her attractive, while being in a relationship he's completely satisfied in. So if you think a man should look at you and you only, it's never ever going to happen. You're reasonable to expect a man to be satisfied with you sexually, but sometimes it's not possible to get everything you want out of your woman. Sex does not equal emotion to men, it's entirely possible to conjoin the two, but as i stated earlier, you're never going to find a man that doesn't find other women attractive.

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FOREVERZERO
I feel so sad for you, that you ACTUALLY really believe what you just posted. Very sad. Luckily for me I was raised by an amazing man who doesn't view porn, doesn't believe it's OK to chech out other woman, a man who's whole theory in life is this, "Always act like your spouse is standing right next to you." If a person is wondering weither their actions are good, all they have to do is ask themselves if they would be doing the same thing with their spouse/loved one was there with you.

I also have 2 really great male friends I've known most my life and they do not support porn or view it at all.

Let me guess, you'll say these men are lying and so I'll tell you that my father and my bestfriends talk about EVERYTHING bluntlly, no beating around the bush. So I believe anything they say.

Funny how you didn't answer any of the questions I asked you.

I am very glad I was raised by the man that I was.

I would say that everybody has been attracted or looked at another person. Whether married or not. Now while married. Do you think that no man, or no women might not find somebody else attractive. That is not the case. At the same time. What matters. Is that no one ACTS on that attraction to somebody else while they are with somebody. It all comes down to trust. When going for Marriage councel before getting married in the Catholic Church. One of the things that were brought up was attraction and how do you think your partner would respond?

Joe

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Originally Posted by Jesushelper76

I would say that everybody has been attracted or looked at another person. Whether married or not. Now while married. Do you think that no man, or no women might not find somebody else attractive. That is not the case. At the same time. What matters. Is that no one ACTS on that attraction to somebody else while they are with somebody. It all comes down to trust. When going for Marriage councel before getting married in the Catholic Church. One of the things that were brought up was attraction and how do you think your partner would respond?

Joe

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First off, I NEVER said it's wrong to think someone is attractive... I never said that I believe we all go through life not being attracted to a single soul other than the person you are with.

Personally, I don't look at other men, EVER. And I honestly never have the desire to. Seems there might be no ones else on the earth like me. I don't look at men in a way that is sexual or that I would think someone is attractive, period. I just don't. So I don't know what it's like to be w/someone and be attracted to someone else. I honestly don't think I'm missing anything.:-)

Forever, I'm going to respectfully disagree with you on some of these things.

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Originally Posted by ForeverZero

To me, you're facing hundreds of thousands of years of evolution. You are never, i mean ever going to find a man who has never looked at another woman and found her attractive, while being in a relationship he's completely satisfied in. So if you think a man should look at you and you only, it's never ever going to happen.

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Actually I agree with everything you said here but Puff's boyfriend isn't looking at porn just because the women are attractive. He's not cheating on her just because of evolution. Many guys can be in a relationship and look at a woman and be attracted to her but not act on it.

You might be right that something's missing from the relationship but instead of turning to porn or cheating then he needed to address what was missing. From what Puff writes it's not related to sex as she wants it more than he does so that must mean there are some deeper issues. And if he's not going to address them then there is no reason for her to stay. Well actually there is no reason for her to stay because he did cheat. So it's over then.

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Originally Posted by ForeverZero

You're reasonable to expect a man to be satisfied with you sexually, but sometimes it's not possible to get everything you want out of your woman.

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Also true. But that doesn't mean he should be cheating. He should either break it or live with in the confines of the sexual rules that have been established.

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Originally Posted by ForeverZero

Sex does not equal emotion to men,

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Okay that was the one I was going to disagree with you on. I have been deeply in love and found sex to equal emotion. Maybe I'm not going to say that to my guy friends when were playing video games or watching UFC but that doesn't mean that men don't equate emotion to sex.

In fact I know I'm not the only one, because you can see that by the male posters that post here that are confused why there woman dumped them but she still comes around for sex. They very much have an emotional attachment to the act and believe that it means something special.

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Originally Posted by ForeverZero

it's entirely possible to conjoin the two, but as i stated earlier, you're never going to find a man that doesn't find other women attractive.

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Well I agree with that.

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Originally Posted by chuff

Forever, I'm going to respectfully disagree with you on some of these things.


Actually I agree with everything you said here but Puff's boyfriend isn't looking at porn just because the women are attractive. He's not cheating on her just because of evolution. Many guys can be in a relationship and look at a woman and be attracted to her but not act on it.

You might be right that somethings missing from the relationship but instead of turning to porn or cheating then he needed to address what was missing. From what Puff writes it's not related to sex as she wants it more than he does so that must mean there are some deeper issues. And if he's not going to address them then there is no reason for her to stay. Well actually there is no reason for her to stay because he did cheat. So it's over then.



Also true. But that doesn't mean he should be cheating. He should either break it or live with in the confines of the sexual rules that have been established.



Okay that was the one I was going to disagree with you on. I have been deeply in love and found sex to equal emotion. Maybe I'm not going to say that to my guy friends when were playing video games or watching UFC but that doesn't mean that men don't equate emotion to sex.

In fact I know I'm not the only one, because you can see that by the male posters that post here that are confused why there woman dumped them but she still comes around for sex. They very much have an emotional attachment to the act and believe that it means something special.






Well I agree with that.

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IS it safe me to say that wannabe men suck! But real men are awesome!

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Originally Posted by puffs28

IS it safe me to say that wannabe men suck! But real men are awesome!

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To be honest I disagree with ForeverZero on this point, but he's provided some really great incite on other threads. I'm not attacking him personally just disagreeing with that one statement.

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Originally Posted by chuff

To be honest I disagree with ForeverZero on this point, but he's provided some really great incite on other threads. I'm not attacking him personally just disagreeing with that one statement.

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I believe he has, provided some great incite on other post. I'm not saying ForeverZero is dumb, stupid or lacks smarts or common sense. Like you, I am just disagreeing w/this post. We all have something to learn in life all the time, so I'm open-minded and I realize that ForeverZero is not a bad person. I just disagree with him, as I'm sure you understand.

Chuff: My posts were in the context of men in general, not as they apply to her relationship. Her man's porn needs are part of a larger problem, that is intolerable in a relationship, however I disagree with the notion that men that look at porn while in a relationship aren't satisfied, for reasons listed.

As far as sex and emotion are concerned, I'd like to think I'm entirely capable of having sex without emotionally attaching myself, I've done it before. I also believe if you're emotionally attached to somebody, you wouldn't have sex with another person. The point I'm making is the two are not mutually exclusive, but they're not guaranteed to be conjoined either.

UPDATE:

I talked to my boyfriend tonight and was totally honest with him. I first said how I know it was wrong for me to look through his things, that I wanted him to tell me what was going on. He told me what, collectively, you all have said; that he's not sexually satisfied and how he doesn't think that I am either.

Of course I explained to him that we stopped having sex because he was so selfish sexually and I was tired of it. Then he cheated 4 times, came back to me every time, so I expect HIM to realize he has lots of work to do to heal our relationship. But my heart and mind has always been opened to him, so ANY little or big thing he would do to let me know he loved me, that I could trust him, I always thanked him, let him know I notice and appreciate him. Anyway, I was pretty upset, I'm not the type of person to yell, and I didn't, more just raised my voice. It's just so upsetting that he would choose to end our relationship. HE is the one who said he'd stop looking at porn or going online to the personals. But here he gets caught, again and I realize we teach people how to treat us and I can't, won't tolerate this kind of relationship anymore. If there is no trust, what's left? A whole bunch of nothing.

So while I was angry, now I have mixed feelings, glad that the truth is out and that 'once a cheater/liar, whatever, always one.' And what is the saying, 'Past behavior is the predictor of future behavior.' so true. And sad he didn't care about me, not really. I know he stopped loving me along time ago, but now it's just like everything is gone. I know I'll heal up in time and that this is absolutely for the very best. It's just amazing how this happens just as I decide to make myself totally vulnerable to him and trust him and all that he says, I started letting myself fall back in love with him and then it comes down to more lies just when I thought things were looking up. I guess I am be saved from a very unhappy life.

So while it's complicated, setting up new Dr. getting meds all that stuff I have to sort out before I can actually move out, I'm gone in my heart. I haven't told him this yet, I wanted to sit with the things he had told me before I said anything final. So now I have to go tell him, on the bright side, telling him this is WAY easier than saying, "Hey, so I hijacked your computer and looked through all your history.":-)

Thanks for Everyone's wonderful support and thoughts, I appreciate it all deeply!

I am glad you see for yourself that you can be happy without settling for bad behavior and lies. Go for It , you deserve to be happy and don't settle or less. Let him lie, cheat, and watch his porn, somewhere else.

Puffs -

Hurts like hell but you know it's the right thing to do.

Two years from now you'll kick yourself for not leaving sooner. But you'll be glad you aren't two years further into a mistake.

You can be happy without the drama... just not with him.