Hey everyone, I would like to say that this is all new to me I've never brought my life out in the open before but I been so confused as of late that it has come to this point! I've met a girl over the past few weeks and I'm really onto her! She's going through a divorce and has a baby with her soon to be ex husband. Every time I talk to her it fills my heart with pure joy! We will talk for hours on the phone or on the net in fact just last week I kissed her for the first time. We even came to the point were we tell each other that we love one another even though it's been a few weeks! (trust me I know) it's even to the point she's ready to have sexual relations, my problem is this I want us to be official and she don't want to do that yet, how can someone say I love you, date you, hold you, and have sex with you but not say you're her boyfriend? Is it just me? Now I know she's means what she feel by the way she looks at me she's so bright and all smiles, so what's the problem?

She is going through a divorce this is probably a rough time for her. She doesn't want to jump into anything and end up like she is now. She just needs time, but I can see where you are coming from. Being together but not really "together" would suck, and I'm sure you want some clarity on your situation. If I were you, I would let it play out a couple more weeks and bring it up again.

Remember, you care about her. Think about what she needs. Is her getting over her divorce more important than you getting clarity if you guys are official?

Boy are you miss reading the signals. Her words and looks are great to hear, but her life situation makes her needy of affection and attention, and yes even some sex to make her feel better. No she doesn't want a serious relationship commitment, nothing solid with a future, because its about her needs right now, and she wants to feel better if only for a short time. You see this through the lens of your own feelings and FALSELY assume her feelings are the same as yours, but they are NOT!!

Her situation makes her very vulnerable, and hurting bad and is a lousy choice for a long term partner for anyone, at this time, simply because she is hurting from the failure of her marriage.

But you have the truth in front of your face, she doesn't want ANYTHING official, but does want love, attention, and sex, because that's what she needs, not a commitment. That's just YOU who want that.

Yes, it's a dilemma.

I've even heard that people will avoid committing to the person they dating during the divorce because that person reminds them of the divorce!

I think if you're already hurting now, it's likely that this pain will only get worse with time.

If you could be a friend to her comfortably, I would recommend that, in order to protect yourself emotionally.

Another way of putting it is, she is simply not available.

Best to you on this-- I see why it would be difficult, but I think that Talaniman and NukeNC are right, she is rather limited in her ability to love anyone right now.

Best to you on this.

Sincerely,

Tina Miller, M.A.
Aka SocialPsiTina