Okay, I've read many other people's issues with having an orgasm, but somehow I've heard it all before. I am 23 years old, and I'm married for the 2nd time. I have had numerous sex partners in my past, and all have tried oral sex, normal sex, and foreplay on me and nothing has brought me even close. I know many of you say, perhaps I just need to feel comfortable with the man, and honestly I feel more comfortable with my husband now then ever. (I cannot get more comfortable, and lovey then I am right now). I've been with him 2 years now, and I feel like our sex life has gone almost completely null because he feels inadequate. Perhaps there's more, but I cannot help but feel like the failure. I have tried masturbating numerous times, even using my vibrator, or bullet on the **** and G-spot. And while I can feel tension building, my legs start to shake, all the nerves go crazy... it just stops. Nothing else happens. I'm at the point that I think maybe I do need to visit a sex doctor as weird as that sounds to me. I've had way too many partners trying their damnedest to get me off to no avail. Any advice would be appreciated.

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Originally Posted by Runnchic88

using my vibrator, or bullet on the **** and G-spot. And while I can feel tension building, my legs start to shake, all the nerves go crazy..... it just stops. Nothing else happens.

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How do you know you didn't have an orgasm? The feelings you desribed sure sounds like you did orgasm...

Because it just felt like it was building and building, but nothing came out, I didn't hit a point to where it "blew my mind" as people say it does. I never came.

When you masturbate, are you alone or with him?

Try relaxing before hand. (no pun intended) try taking a long hot shower and clear your mind. It's more mental then people tend to think.

I could sit here and tell you how I bring myself to orgasm, BUT every one is different.

Perhaps getting some books on seduction and the sexual being would be a great start.

Try not to stress out about it. Same with your partner. Stress won't accomplish anything, and it's no ones fault.

I would start with learning how to pleasure yourself first. After all if you can't, then how will your partner learn what you like.

Find a time to be alone and relax yourself. Then try touching and exploring YOU.

"mind blowing" pfft! People!

Don't get me wrong... Having an orgasm feels great, but don't listen to what everyone says.

You've got pink elephant syndrome.

You're focusing so much on the orgasm that you're not enjoying anything else. It's like a pink elephant in the room. I can TRY to tell you not to thinkof the pink elephant, but even telling you that makes you think of the pink elephant you're trying to not think about.

So... when people say you need to be comfortable, what they're really saying is that you need to STOP FOCUSING ON THE DESTINATION. You need to realize that the journey is more important to you right now. Every time you think about orgasm, you're pushing the orgasm further away from yourself.

When you masturbate, are you just jumping straight to your naughty bits? Or are you touching yourself, imagining what you'd like---getting your BRAIN into the act, in other words? If so, it's probably pink elephant syndrome. If NOT--well, you don't just jump in, rub it, and go. Does't work that way for most women.

You need to TEACH yourself to orgasm, and part of that is teaching yourself ALL of your sweet spots and knowing how they build your arousal. And then just enjoying them because they feel good, NOT because they push you closer to orgasm.

And frankly--your man has NOTHING to do with this, and he needs to get over the fact that he cant' "make you orgasm". Sorry, but men do NOT make women orgasm. They sometimes help with the trip, but YOU have to figure it out before you can show him how to drive. And the more he's disappointed and upset that there's no "ending", the more it's going to solidify the pink elephant in the room.

I've only ever tried masturbating when I'm alone. So I can fully relax. And I try not to think about it, until I get that super tingly mounting feeling then I'm like YES PLEASE GOD! Then nothing... lol

Synnen:
I can see your point with-(the pink elephant) when it comes to masturbating perhaps, because I'm focusing on myself. But when I have sex, I typically don't even think about having an orgasm, because at this point I get pleasure out of giving the guy pleasure. I do it for fun pretty much.
So I can honestly say yeah, I'd like to get an orgasm during sex, but since I never have had one, I've sort of given up the idea of it during intercourse. This in turn has not helped my sex life, my husband now doesn't care to even try. Which I know is more of a relationship issue altogether, but it's just hard.
He always blames not wanting to have sex on being so stressed with his job training. But ***! Sex is supposed to relieve stress. I just don't get it...

I don't think you are as comfortable with sex and your body's reactions as you want to be.

One of the other major parts of an orgasm is letting go of control. During an orgasm you are vulnerable and very exposed. It can be scary and to part of your brain it feels like jumping off a cliff.

When you feel the tingling, etc. do you keep going hope this time you will make it and then stop when you don't?

What if you try stopping before your body shuts down and changing the focus for a minute before going back to what really makes you tingly? Building up the anticipation and intensity until you make the leap?

Have tried using a vibrator while having sex?

Something else to try is having him hold you while you masturbate so that he gets the pleasure of watching and you get the added stimulation of doing something different plus the safety net of being in his arms?

Okay---different problem altogether there.

I work 45-60 hours a week. I go to school half time. I have medical issues. I'm stressed ALL the time.

Stress is the BIGGEST libido killer there is. There is NOTHING that makes you not want to have sex more than being stressed.

I tend to believe your husband, honestly, that that's his reason for not having sex.

HOWEVER--you need to talk about it with each other, in an open and honest and NON-BLAMING way. If he's frustrated with you not having an orgasm, then he needs to say it. Maybe you need counseling to figure out how to get past it. But he needs to realize that it's not him--it's YOU, and you're doing the best you can, and are still enjoying yourself even if you can't get there. That doesn't mean he shouldn't try to make you feel good. It means that you should BOTH stop focusing on the fact that you CAN'T orgasm, and focus on what you DO feel and what you CAN do.

If you're resenting each other, however, it's never going to happen at all, and your marriage will suffer--and then you NEED to get counseling about it.

When I feel the tingling, I do keep going, but eventually there comes a second when I can't stand the vibrator on it anymore and it almost sends a message to my brain to stop, but I don't- I just bear with the feeling.I do like your last idea though

I definitely agree with the counseling. And I somewhat agree with stress not helping sex, but honestly... you CANNOT use stress as an excuse for poor sex for over a year! Lol Even when I'm stressed, I'd want sex to take my mind off it!

I have been sexually active for about 30 years now. I have been lucky to have been orgasmic right from the start.

However, there have been three spells in my life when I experienced exactly what you describe. What I would normally feel as intense pleasure began to feel uncomfortable and even physically painful as orgasm approached. No matter what I did I just couldn't get over that final hill. I had no worries about reaching orgasm since I was accustomed to them coming easily but suddenly they became elusive.

The first dry patch was when I was in the process of resolving some past issues relating to sexual abuse during my childhood. I quickly worked out that it probably wasn't surprising and simply accepted being non orgasmic until my issues had been fully worked out.

The second was when I was giving serious thoughts to my religious beliefs. I was brought up a 'good catholic girl' and although guilt can sometimes be a product of that it had never interfered with my sex life, once I started breaking away ironically it did for a while. Once I got my head sorted the orgasms returned.

The third was when I was in a situation where my husband was behaving in a way that made me angry, and various other negative emotions, over a long period. Even masturbating was problematic.

I'm not suggesting any of these specific things are your problem but I do think there's a possibility that something underlies this that you could do with getting to the bottom of. To me it felt like my body just wouldn't co-operate and let go, though I realise that really some part of my mind wouldn't let it.

So I think seeing a counsellor or sex therapist might be helpful.

With all these things behind me I'm having better sex than ever. I sincerely hope you can soon say the same.

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Comment on Synnen's post
I definitely agree with the counseling. And I somewhat agree with stress not helping sex, but honestly... you CANNOT use stress as an excuse for poor sex for over a year! Lol Even when I'm stressed, I'd want sex to take my mind off it!

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Want to bet? I've had a lower libido than my husband for the last 2 years. I started a much more stressful job three years ago, and was diagnosed with some medical issues. They're not deadly issues--but they ARE stressful to deal with. Then I went back to school last year, in part so that I can eventually be promoted out of the stress.

Sex feels like a CHORE to me sometimes. It's one more thing on my list I have to do to make someone else happy. You think that makes me feel good about sex, and makes me want to have it more? ESPECIALLY if my husband nags me and is upset with me about it? Talk about your turn OFFS!

Obviously, your libido sees stress differently than most people's does. Under a lot of stress, most peoples' libidos completely shut down--meaning the LAST thing you want to do is have sex. It has nothing to do with taking your mind off it--your body just is not saying "hey, sex sounds good". Your body is saying "Seriously? Are you kidding me? Uh uh. No way. We're tired, and we ache, and we frankly ain't got any juice left for that sex thing."

It's not taking your mind off it--your body just shuts down your arousal centers. You are just NOT turned on.

So--you need to talk to him about it. Maybe he needs to focus on doing something that relieves the stress so that his libido comes back---something like exercise or meditation.

But considering your resentment of him for not having good sex for a year, I'm not surprised you can't orgasm