I have been married for two years to a solid, stable, secure, good man. Before my husband I dated a man for nearly four years, and I can honestly say that he was the only person in the world that truly "got me." The one person I could be entirely honest with about any and everything. Our relationship was passionate, intense, all-consuming, and he was my nucleus during our time together. I never felt more beautiful and more special than when I was with him. All the intensity came with pitfalls, and he was a complete pauper, completely irresponsible and had a different job every month as he couldn't hold down anything. I supported him for most of our relationship, and was so madly, deeply in love and believed so deeply in his infinite potential that I just couldn't let go. Until I had to. I grew older and realised I wanted my kids to have stability and a good father, and I knew that for their sake I couldn't stay with my "soulmate." I also came from a very unstable family, very poor and dependent, and I knew that I couldn't perpetuate this cycle of dysfunction. I had to change what I was attracted to or I wouldn't survive.

So I left my ex. He lost his mind, he stalked me for months. I eventually got a temporary restraining order as he made my life unbearable. He scared me so much during the break up, and I knew I had no choice but to cut all ties completely. I rebounded to the complete opposite of my ex, a stable, well-educated, non-intense, pragmatic man, and while there was no passion, I craved the stability he brought and of course, within a few years of courtship, I had a ring on my finger. Knowing that I could never love again, as I had done, I accepted and married my boyfriend after five years - five years where I never stopped thinking about my ex. I promised to love him forever, and it was the truth.

Fast forward 7 years. I am happily married, after cutting off the side of me that craved passion and intensity. My husband and I are great friends and I respect and admire the man that he is. After cutting all ties, I pictured my ex broken on the streets somewhere - or dependent on another girl. To give you an idea of how low he had sunk, the last time we made love was in his room - he was homeless and some kind soul had offered to let him stay in an abandoned house in a room of squalor on a dog blanket with flies buzzing around us and rats scrabbling in the ceiling. I cried that night and knew I deserved better, and had to let go of this all comsuming, soul destroying yet simultaneously soul igniting love.

So I heard a few months ago that he got married. And not to just anyone. He married the daughter of a Hollywood star, a multi millionaire. A beautiful girl with a beautiful spirit - he always loved "special" women. He found someone to look after him - I was never strong enough to provide for him, as much as I loved him. And I am now tormented. I chase him in my dreams, I am broken. I have his contact details but can't bear to contact him as it would be too wrong to mess with the world he has built, and never mind mine and the betrayal it would be to my husband. All I want is to exorcise this man out of my heart and mind. They say true love lasts forever, but this is killing me. All I want is to let go. Please help me.

U should talk to him as friends only you probably feel you did rong bt look at you n him both marry and you have some one to be love you probably need to do what I did if you love him let him be happy and ull be happy totrust me is d best you nhim could be best friend for ever u could be der when he needs help and him when you needhelp

Do not contact him. That would only lead to more confusion and you don't need any more.

I am going to be blunt. The gold-digger struck money. Got what he wanted didn't he. I hope she had him sign a strict pre-nuptial agreement and has him on a tight financial leash. From your description of what he was like, I think she may need it.

You are holding on to memories of him because you are denying part of yourself. Have you talked to your husband about needing passion and intensity? He might be more open than you believe he is.

Do you have any outlets that allow you to explore that side of your nature? Some people find passion in writing, cooking, volunteering, painting, decorating, landscaping, being out doors, reading, crafts, etc. Passion for life can be translated in many different ways.

If you were to get a piece of paper, and draw a line down the middle, with your husband on one side, and you ex boyfriend on the other, then list the attributes of each one, who would clearly come out the winner. And the winner, for all the right reasons.

That he has come into money does not change the person he is. He could just as easily ended up living his life out in a rat infested flop house, with nothing to show for himself. That he ended up with money, only means he has more stuff, and has played his cards well, by selling himself to another woman.

I don't know what you think marriage is. There are many qualities and characteristics about a life partner, with sex being somewhere near the bottom, between all the daily responsibilities, kids, working, paying bills, etc. etc. etc. That you don't feel the same spark with your husband that you did with your ex, does not mean in any way, that the ex is somehow a better choice.

I think the bigger issue is just under the surface. While you changed your life and did the right thing in finding a better partner, you have not been able to let go of your ex. That the ex is still larger than life in your world, I really encourage you to consider counselling. Talk face to face with a person that can help you figure out what should be obvious- the ex is bad news, was bad news, and will always be bad news. What is it about you, that you need this emotional escape to a man who was clearly toxic to you. That is what you need to know, in order to let him go for good.

I suspect that somewhere, somehow, despite all your accomplishements after you left the ex, you do not feel deserving of what you have now, or, you cannot see past this fixation to appreciate what you have.

Cat, thank you for your reply. Good advice. I do hold onto memories, because it feels like I buried a part of myself when I let him go. You are so right - there are other ways to find passion.

Comment on Jake2008's post

Very good advice, taken to heart. Wise words that resonate! You truly have understood this and your words make complete sense to me. Thanks for taking the time to reply to my dilemma. Having put this out there anonymously has helped me more than I expected.

Whoops - new to this and made my comment to Jake an answer - please ignore!

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Whoops - new to this and made my comment to Jake an answer - please ignore!

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We actually prefer you answer in the answer box as opposed to the comment on this post, for clarity, and more space to express your thoughts.

As to the long lost ex, leave him where you left him, in the past, and don't let old feelings that the news of his marriage haunt you to bad, it will pass if you let it.

We all have exes that haunt us, and remind us of those old feelings we felt from back in the day, but they fade and return, and fade again. Its called old memories, and we all have them.

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Fast forward 7 years. I am happily married, after cutting off the side of me that craved passion and intensity

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You don't have to cut that part of you off. Just explore it within the boundaries of good behavior, and good clean adult fun. That's what we all do who cherish ourselves, and our lives, and the people in it.