Ask Me Help Desk - I don't know what to do about my relatioship...

Me and my boyfriend have been together for a year and a half like most relationships at first the sex was more frequent ad seemed more intense, I am 19 and he is 28 I am a very sexual person but it seems like I could bend backwards completely ad he wouldn't even care. I make dinner, dress up,work out,eat healthy compliment him daily but nothing works. He has school all week like me I have a part time job he doesn't so on the weekend all he wants to do is watch TV and it's driving me insane.I am young and never had this problem before I feel so ugly. Last weekend I initiated a kiss to another 19 year old guy when I was drinking, I told my boyfriend because my conscious was killing me and it was so unlike me but now he hasn't talked to me in 2 days and I feel as though because I wasn't getting any attention from him when I did get some from another guy it made me feel sexy again and I couldn't help myself.. I don't know what to do...

I think that you need to evaluate your relationship.

The fact that you INITIATED the kiss will another fellow is a huge red flag here. Him ignoring you is another one. The big one is that you went clubbing without him and got drunk. Being a student really sucks at times but it does explain a few things to be honest.

You're feeling the lack of intimacy that you used to get from your boyfriend and you are seeking to replace it. Your boyfriend is probably a little pissed because it feels like you cheated on him. Kudos for telling him but it probably didn't anything for your relationship. He is probably frightened that you're going to go all the way and REALLY cheat on him.

This actually explains your comment on the other thread. Please note that while you might look else where for intimacy, a good number of other women won't.

This is recoverable if you want it to be. You really need to sit down and explain to him what you're feeling and why you're feeling that way. You need to do it in a calm and non-confrontational way. You need to figure out what is going on in his head, and he needs to know what is going on in yours.

Communication is severely lacking here and you need the motivation to start. You can recover this. If you want.

I think though a harsh and critical re-examination of this entire relationship is due. I think you're incompatible enough that this might be a lost cause. Just my opinion.

Good luck!

THere is a core diconnect happening here... and it is due to the age differences.

There is a HUGE difference between 19 and 28 in maturity, and emotionally. What you did showed that lower level of maturity a 19 year old possesses.

You are starting to understand... because of what you feel... when you are older you would never have let it happen at all.

I can understand why he is ticked off about it. He has a better concept of what a relationship really is... while you are still caught up on your immediate wants. The "I couldn't help myself" speaks volumes... because you could help yourself at 13 and16... you CAN help yourself at 19 just as easily. Easier in fact. That and the getting drunk thing... two groups thing getting drunk is cool. Alcoholics... and the immature kids. Legal age is 21 anywhere in the USA... you could have been charged had there been a police intervention... and it WOULD have affected your drivers license even if you wasn't near a car.

What I don't see here isn't a real relationship... but more a friends with benefits. And he was thinking there was more and sees there isn't. Again... because of the "I couldn't help myself" thing...

Because to say it yet again... If you really had a relationship... then yes... you could have and would have "been able to control yourself".

Sorry if that comes across as harsh... but its just being direct and not beating around the bush.

When you are really in "that" sort of relationship... you don't jump at every opportuniuty that crosses your path.

I know... I'm 49, been married 20, have known her for 23 years... I've had many "chances" over those years... from women as young as you, to women older than me...

But when you are truly mature... you understand you don't HAVE to chase after every chance you get... and in a relationship... ANY chance you get.

Did I ever think about it?. Damn right... did I do more than think about it... NOPE.

Since I am so fond of Parables and analogies...

The grass isn't always greener on the other side of the fence. Its an optical illusion. If you push the gate open to stroll over it likes to lock shut behind you. THen when you see all the weeds and such more clearly... its too late. THe gate is closed and locked... and you can't go back.

Indeed you both have amazing points, but to be honest he was at the party but he had left earlier he was playing beer pong as I remember and for your interest smoothy I am canadian so 19 is perfectly legal. The thing is smoothy, have you been in a relationship where there were so many things about it that were so great and fufilling all of which I never experienced before but you were totally neglected in the bedroom? It's not easy for me at the age of 19 to understand why I can't just go for the long term and forget about my fantasy life.. It's so hard obviously he's had his days of careless fornicating and knows what he wants but the question I am so hindered by is why can't he just give me the one thing I so desparatly want that would help my already flamboyant insecurities as I am sure you've all noticed. I have made the attempt to bring up my frustrations about it and he says he would try harder and he feels bad that he's neglecting me but never follows through.I don't know.

Quote:

Originally Posted by HurtGirl8

but the question I am so hindered by is why can't he just give me the one thing I so desparatly want that would help my already flamboyant insecurities as I am sure you've all noticed.

Hurtgirl, this line really stuck out. The fact that you need to have sex to feel better about yourself or to not feel so insecure is VERY unhealthy.

If this IS the case, then perhaps you shouldn't be in a relationship at the moment, and start to focus on making YOU a better person.

I realize that you are only 19 (young) therefore, tend to be more insecure about herself then a woman in her 30's.

To use sex as a tool, void, or a fix to feel better is not the solution.

It all starts with YOU.

Not sex.

Now, you kissed another, knowing what you were doing. Fine. Now you will suffer the consequences. If he chooses not to speak to you, then take this as a learning lesson and roll with it.

Hard lesson.

Now, as you ALREADY know, he is 28... not 19. Big difference in so many ways. He may be stressed out, tired, so on and so forth... That all affects the libido.

Communication would have been a good start, not kissing the first guy who shows you attention. Giving your BF the benefit of the doubt would have been a better route.

K. it's done though.

Time to move on and learn.

Quote:

Originally Posted by HurtGirl8

Indeed you both have amazing points, but to be honest he was at the party but he had left earlier he was playing beer pong as i remember and for your interest smoothy I am canadian so 19 is perfectly legal. The thing is smoothy, have you been in a relationship where there were so many things about it that were so great and fufilling all of which I never experianced before but you were totally neglected in the bedroom? It's not easy for me at the age of 19 to understand why I can't just go for the long term and forget about my fantasy life..It's so hard obviously he's had his days of careless fornicating and knows what he wants but the question I am so hindered by is why can't he just give me the one thing I so desparatly want that would help my already flamboyant insecurities as I am sure you've all noticed. I have made the attempt to bring up my frustrations about it and he says he would try harder and he feels bad that he's neglecting me but never follows through.I don't know.

Oh... I've been in some crappy relationships along the way, more than a couple in fact... I wasn't born with the knowledge and experience I now have... I learned it all at the School of hard knocks the hard way... before the internet when the range of people who could advise you was limited to the people you actually knew in person, While the Internet did exist... the World Wide Web didn't and forums like this really ween't available. Again... read your words here... it shows the typical maturity level of a 19 year old... which really, in a few years, the problems that I see now... you will see too. You weren't sudenly bestowed with adult wiseness and maturity the day you turned 18... these are both earned through experience... and mistakes.

I don't know how I can make you see this through the perspective of someone with more maturity than you have yet... other than say... yes you CAN help yourself... as an adult you are held legally... and morally responsible for your actions. What you got away with at 9 years old you can't anymore at 19. This will make a lot more sense when you are 21 than today... many of the things you think are fun now will be clearly dumb... as many things children do seem to you now.

Readers digest version... he is ready for the sort of relationship, you clearly are not yet ready for. In time you will be... but you haven't yet gotten to the level of development in your maturity. Everyone passes through that stage... some just do it faster or slower than others.

You can't appreciate a situation until you can understand it. And in time you will.

Same as why I would tell anyone NOT to get maried because they feel its time... you should know in your bones when the time is right. Its not the same thing.

Wow those were both very enlightening, Enigma your right that is so unhealthy and I never realized what I was putting on sex. I don't know why I related sex with some sort of self approval, clearly isn't supposed to be like that, I just felt so fed up after countless attempts, after bettering myself as much as I could on the outside and with school I never looked deep within and asked myself why sex was so important for me to feel sexy.I've been hit on before by other guys but never cared because I always had my boyfriend in mind thinking of all the caring qualities and laughter he brought to me but this time I was not able to think farthur than my nose and your probably right, maybe I'm not cut out for the commitment required to satisfy my boyfriend... Still confused but slowly waking up..

Quote:

Originally Posted by HurtGirl8

Wow those were both very enlightening, Enigma your right that is so unhealthy and I never realized what I was putting on sex. I don't know why I related sex with some sort of self approval, clearly isn't supposed to be like that, I just felt so fed up after countless attempts, after bettering myself as much as I could on the outside and with school I never looked deep within and asked myself why sex was so important for me to feel sexy.I've been hit on before by other guys but never cared because I always had my bf in mind thinking of all the caring qualities and laughter he brought to me but this time I was not able to think farthur than my nose and your probably right, maybe I'm not cut out for the commitment required to satisfy my boyfriend...Still confused but slowly waking up..

I can tell you are confused and I meant no harm in what I said.

I'm a little older then you and have experienced more in life then you have. I too was insecure when I was 18, 19, 20. I think it comes with the territory. However, using sex to "feel better" about yourself isn't healthy, as I mentioned before.

Feeling sexy starts with YOU.

If you want a successful relationship with any guy, then you need to find yourself. You need to be secure. You need to love you first. You need to be confident in who you are. Then every thing will fall into place.

Nobody and I mean nobody can make YOU feel good, unless YOU feel good.

Does that make sense?

Quote:

Originally Posted by HurtGirl8

Wow those were both very enlightening, Enigma your right that is so unhealthy and I never realized what I was putting on sex. I don't know why I related sex with some sort of self approval, clearly isn't supposed to be like that, I just felt so fed up after countless attempts, after bettering myself as much as I could on the outside and with school I never looked deep within and asked myself why sex was so important for me to feel sexy.I've been hit on before by other guys but never cared because I always had my bf in mind thinking of all the caring qualities and laughter he brought to me but this time I was not able to think farthur than my nose and your probably right, maybe I'm not cut out for the commitment required to satisfy my boyfriend...Still confused but slowly waking up..

As you develop more maturity... what we have told you will make a lot more sense... and you will see what was wrong in some of what you have told us. One doesn't sudenly wake up one day, knowing all of this. It's a process. And it does take some people much longer than some others... but everyone goes through it.