Ask Me Help Desk - Anyone else struggling?

Hi all. I know that most of us here are going through breakups and I wonder if anyone else has been going through periods of feeling like you are over it one week, then tempted to contact your ex the next week? I am just going through a cycle lately where one minute I will feel that I am over him and that I am moving on, and then a few days later I am tempted to contact him and try to be "friends" (something that I am against when one person still has feelings for an ex). I find myself wanting to discuss things with him like we used to and it's just really hard. I miss him, though I don't want to.

I have been trying to do the right things... exercising, reading, trying to stay busy, working a lot, talking to friends and family, posting here... but I find myself dreaming about my ex a lot. In fact, I have dreamt of him a couple of times this week. I still find myself checking my messages with small glimmers of hope that he will contact me. I imagine how conversations would go if we were to talk again. I still think of him every day. I have had no contact with him for nearly two months and thought I was almost over him. This morning I had feelings of trying to win him back! Geez! What is wrong with me? I don't understand how the relationship could mean so much to me and apparently so little to him. It's strange how we can look at other people's situations objectively and see the right thing to do, but when it comes to our own, we become clouded and confused. I am so annoyed with myself for even thinking of my ex still at this point. :mad:

Why can't I just get past this and move on? I have never struggled so much with a breakup before. I think that it's because this one was truly a shock out of nowhere and there had been no fights or problems discussed before he just ended it with me for another girl. It still hurts and I want to just hate him and label him as a jerk (like I can with my other exes), but I am having a hard time with it still. It sucks. Blecchh! :(

Is anyone else struggling with this type of thing?

Quote:

Originally Posted by SouthernBelle06

Hi all. I know that most of us here are going through breakups and I wonder if anyone else has been going through periods of feeling like you are over it one week, then tempted to contact your ex the next week? I am just going through a cycle lately where one minute I will feel that I am over him and that I am moving on, and then a few days later I am tempted to contact him and try to be "friends" (something that I am against when one person still has feelings for an ex).

Hi Southernbelle06. I have been following your progress for the past few months and my belief is that you have come far in the healing process. You have also helped me through mine which I am very grateful for.

The answer to you initial question is Yes, I and probably many others have been going through periods of feeling that we are over it one week, then tempted to contact the ex the next week. I am personally doing quite well and feel much better than I did a few months back when I first came here where I was all over the place.. >SERIOUSLY. The cycle was more frequent then and I felt like I was just going around in circles and was very confused about everything. The cycle is normal and continues for quite some time, I think that everyone varies immensely in how long they are experiencing the cycle you describe as they cope with the loss. I am not saying that I am 100% over my ex but I sure feel much healthier than I did 4 months ago and I am able to look at things differently. Time is a great healer and I cannot emphasize this enough.. When people told me that 4 months ago, I found it hard to believe and thought I would never get through the depression. I don't get those urges to contact the ex anymore and there is no effort required on my part to maintain the No Contact rule. For me No Contact is just a part of my daily life now, I don't want the contact because I have come too far to destroy the progress I have made. Initially when I first came here, I admit, I did use No contact as a way of trying to get the ex back. I was confused though and I think many others come here thinking that No Contact is a strategy to win the ex back... This is wrong and after some time, I realized that No Contact really was for the benefit of me healing and Moving On and there was no other reason for it>>No other reason. I have even been discovering the old me before I met the ex by re-establishing a fitness routine. I don't feel as lonely and depressed as I felt 4 months ago and I am much more accepting of the situation. The truth is that I do still have my downtimes and times when I reflect on the past and feel sad but they don't last very long and I find it easier to distract myself from these thoughts.

Quote:

Originally Posted by SouthernBelle06

I have been trying to do the right things...exercising, reading, trying to stay busy, working a lot, talking to friends and family, posting here...but I find myself dreaming about my ex a lot. In fact, I have dreamt of him a couple of times this week.

You are doing all the correct things but you are still consumed with thoughts of your ex. The dreaming is normal and sometimes I get them, but the truth is that I dream more of the ex when I think about her more during the day. This is why you must distract yourself from thinking of the ex as best you can. It is hard I know but you must try your best. At the end of the day, you can only control your dreams to an extent but your brain is dealing with your grief and part of this is processing it while you sleep. Remember that you only remember a small proportion of your dreams while you sleep. Even if you think you have not had dreams about the ex, there is a high percentage of dreams you cannot remember that may have included your ex. The important thing is not to force yourself to avoid allowing yourself sufficient time to grieve and make sense of the reality of your situation.

Quote:

Originally Posted by SouthernBelle06

I still find myself checking my messages with small glimmers of hope that he will contact me. I imagine how conversations would go if we were to talk again.

When you say, checking your messages, do you mean phone messages? Or e-mail?

May I suggest that you change your phone number and e-mail where possible as this will put an end to this way of thinking. If you change your number, this is a big step!! You will feel a difference, Trust Me!

Quote:

Originally Posted by SouthernBelle06

I still think of him every day. I have had no contact with him for nearly two months and thought I was almost over him. This morning I had feelings of trying to win him back! Geez! What is wrong with me?

There is nothing wrong with you!! You are still going through a process. You were hurt a lot by this one and it compares more to the relationships you had in the past. You were perhaps more emotionally invested in this one than any of the previous relationships and therefore this one is harder for you to let go/accept that it is over. You were also left in a state of shock when he did what he did and caught off guard. You had a big disadvantage in terms of grieving and were further behind in the process than he was.

Quote:

Originally Posted by SouthernBelle06

I don't understand how the relationship could mean so much to me and apparently so little to him.

It is a hard thing to swallow when the ex just moves on and leaves us after a long period. I had trouble with this and still do question at times how my ex could throw 3 years away and not give a d**n. It is a really tough thing to accept but usually the ex who leaves has processed the breakup and grieving long before the relationship is over and often has an advantage over the one who has been left behind. I am certain that the dumper has a hard time too, except usually has an advantage over the dumpee as they work things out in their head long before they decide to finally leave. You are simply further behind and it is normal for it to seem like it is taking longer than it should.

Quote:

Originally Posted by SouthernBelle06

It's strange how we can look at other people's situations objectively and see the right thing to do, but when it comes to our own, we become clouded and confused. I am so annoyed with myself for even thinking of my ex still at this point. :mad:

I know what you mean. I found myself giving some great advice in the past and yet felt confused about my own situation. We all need help and guidance and you have given me some great advice in the past. It is easier to look at someone else's situation and offer advice since we are not involved emotionally and therefore it is easier to see things clearly. When we look at our own situation, we are confused and our vision is somewhat distorted by the emotional cloud hovering above us. We find it hard to see things clearly and logically. This is why it helps to get the guidance and advice from others who may be dealing with the same thing or may have had dealt with it in the past but can offer the best advice they can without having the confusion to deal with.

Quote:

Originally Posted by SouthernBelle06

Why can't I just get past this and move on?

You can and will>>in time! And don't beat yourself up about how long you think you are taking, you must allow yourself as much time as you as an individual needs. You seem to be doing all the right things so far, you just need more time!

Quote:

Originally Posted by SouthernBelle06

I have never struggled so much with a breakup before. I think that it's because this one was truly a shock out of nowhere and there had been no fights or problems discussed before he just ended it with me for another girl.

This is most definitely the reason that it is taking longer than any of the others. You were left in a state of shock, much like what happened to me. There were no arguments leading up to my breakup, it just happened and I really was left shocked and very confused about everything. The same happened for you and it is harder therefore for you to simply label him as a 'Jerk'.

Quote:

Originally Posted by SouthernBelle06

It still hurts and I want to just hate him and label him as a jerk (like I can with my other exes), but I am having a hard time with it still.

Try not to be consumed with hate.. These are bad feelings, and not a very positive way for you to move on and live a happier, healthier life without him. Instead, realize that this one was not meant to be and that you are perhaps much better off without him. You can now find someone who can love and appreciate you for who you are and reciprocate the feelings that you have.

I know that you have come a long way and I base this not only on what you say in your threads but in your response and advice in other people's, including my own. You have a good head on your shoulders and have the strength to get through all this, you just need more time to heal fully.

Take Care! :)

<<I am just going through a cycle lately where one minute I will feel that I am over him and that I am moving on, and then a few days later I am tempted to contact him and try to be "friends" >>

Totally ditto!! ;-)
Especially when I am hormonal the wonderful idea of being friends seems so great!!

I think that trying to be friends with the ex would most certainly debilitate your healing and progress. If you still have strong feelings for the ex, friendship just isn't going to work.

Best for a clean break! By Break, I mean pulling away with the expectation that it is permanent!

You are so normal and you may as well join the club as we all have to go through the periods when we just handle things weird and get weird ideas.

Yes southernbelle, you're not alone!

Quote:

Originally Posted by SouthernBelle06

Hi all. I know that most of us here are going through breakups and I wonder if anyone else has been going through periods of feeling like you are over it one week, then tempted to contact your ex the next week? I am just going through a cycle lately where one minute I will feel that I am over him and that I am moving on, and then a few days later I am tempted to contact him and try to be "friends" (something that I am against when one person still has feelings for an ex). I find myself wanting to discuss things with him like we used to and it's just really hard. I miss him, though I don't want to.

I have been trying to do the right things...exercising, reading, trying to stay busy, working a lot, talking to friends and family, posting here...but I find myself dreaming about my ex a lot. In fact, I have dreamt of him a couple of times this week. I still find myself checking my messages with small glimmers of hope that he will contact me. I imagine how conversations would go if we were to talk again. I still think of him every day. I have had no contact with him for nearly two months and thought I was almost over him. This morning I had feelings of trying to win him back! Geez! What is wrong with me? I don't understand how the relationship could mean so much to me and apparently so little to him. It's strange how we can look at other people's situations objectively and see the right thing to do, but when it comes to our own, we become clouded and confused. I am so annoyed with myself for even thinking of my ex still at this point. :mad:

Why can't I just get past this and move on? I have never struggled so much with a breakup before. I think that it's because this one was truly a shock out of nowhere and there had been no fights or problems discussed before he just ended it with me for another girl. It still hurts and I want to just hate him and label him as a jerk (like I can with my other exes), but I am having a hard time with it still. It sucks. Blecchh! :(

Is anyone else struggling with this type of thing?

No I don't have this problem... mine is with my best friend I think we like each other but can't bring ourselves to tell each other... and I don't know what to do hell tlk to me when its just us but when our other friend are around he won't say a word... and I mean that... I think he doesn't want them to know he likes me (he doesn't want them to ask wuestions)... what should I do... as far as for you I think you should be friends ans you should talk to him to see how he feels about it...

What should I do

I thin k you're doing great in keeping your distance. I think he's doing the same as you in that department. We often think we're the only ones going through the period of mourning and because of the raw feelings, we don't think of the other doing the same. I believe time does heal.
You invested allot of time and emotional wealth in the relationship and of course its normal to feel the way you do. I'd be concerned if you didn't. Its normal to want to win him back. With the ending of a relationship, no one likes to admit defeat. But I need to ask you, if you did would you still feel the same or would the past break up overshadow it? Better yet would you try too hard to fix what went wrong? That can cause more tension and a lot of head scratching. Being friends might work later once the emotional healing took place. But not right now.
You're doing all the right things. But I caution in moderation. Doing so much could cause burn out and that's not good either. It might be considered avoidance.
When I broke up with a man (more like got dumped), I kept a journal. A free for all if you will. Once I wrote in it or drew a picture pasted and article etc, I felt better. You know what, I never looked back at it. I was able to face what I was feeling express how I felt even wanting himm back without it coming back to bite me in the a@@.
I saw him years later and boy I'm glad I let him dump me.

The feelings you're experiencing are normal. Keep on doing the things you've been doing. Resist any urges to contact him and don't do it. You might try making a list of all of your ex's negative traits. Looking at all of the negatives may cast things in a more realistic light and help you get over him once and for all.

Quote:

Originally Posted by s_cianci

The feelings you're experiencing are normal. Keep on doing the things you've been doing. Resist any urges to contact him and don't do it. You might try making a list of all of your ex's negative traits. Looking at all of the negatives may cast things in a more realistic light and help you get over him once and for all.

Yes... I did this and it does help, it is all to easy to focus on the good things when you are the one left behind..

<<The feelings you're experiencing are normal. Keep on doing the things you've been doing. Resist any urges to contact him and don't do it. You might try making a list of all of your ex's negative traits. Looking at all of the negatives may cast things in a more realistic light and help you get over him once and for all.>>

I don't find anything!! ;-)
Before this I had never any problem getting over an ex as there was always some annoying point , but with this one... nothing!!

Quote:

Originally Posted by rol

<<The feelings you're experiencing are normal. Keep on doing the things you've been doing. Resist any urges to contact him and don't do it. You might try making a list of all of your ex's negative traits. Looking at all of the negatives may cast things in a more realistic light and help you get over him once and for all.>>

I dont find anything!!!!!!!!;-)
before this i had never any problem getting over an ex as there was always some annoying point , but with this one....nothing!!!!!

That must be hard for you rol, it makes it more difficult to justify the breakup (so to speak).

So, you must have felt that this was the perfect man for you then.

I found that beyond the darkness and gloom of my breakup and through the passing of time, I have found many bad points about my ex and the relationship. That is not to say that I am all perfect because truthfully I am not and don't believe anyone is. I suppose it is a case of, are you perfect for each other. I still have feelings for her and perhaps always will hold something inside but I am not sure that she was right for me, certainly not in terms of age.

Hi Geoff,
Yes he was really perfect!! Even a psychic told me 3.5 years ago that he was the man from Heaven for me arghhhh

Anyhow right now I'm doing my stuff, meeting new people and getting on with things.

Yes.. That is all you can do, get on with your life. I think you are going about things the right way and remaining positive. That psychic did not help though.. I've always wanted to visit one of those, I am not sure if I believe it though but I am open minded. I might be scared by what he or she would say about my future... LOL

I am a believer in fate and Karma..

HA HA yes that was my first time and probably last time to ever visit one ;-) just before we met.

She told me many true things that happened and told me that soon I would soon meet the man from heaven for me and described him perfectly. Personality, looks, everything.Then the strange thing I remember was that she hesitated and then she said all will be OK.
She told me she saw us gettting married and having a baby so obviously she must have got some card wrong ha ha

I hear spiritualists are good to visit too. To be honest, I am open minded so I would visit one. I would not let anything that is said influence my choices but if what they say (psychics) is true, then they could not influence the choices you make since fate would take care of that.

So... You must believe in Astrology then>>??

Yeah kind of believe in astrology also.matching signs etc.

Not really sure what I believe in anymore ;-) lol

Quote:

Originally Posted by rol

yeah kind of believe in astrology also.matching signs etc.

not really sure what i belive in anymore ;-) lol

Believe in yourself as I am sure you do!! :)

Thanks everyone for your advice. Thanks to you Geoff for your in depth reply. :) To answer your question about the messages I have been checking... both email and phone... lol. I don't know why. I know he won't contact me. I am not planning on contacting him either. I know it would be too painful for me to try to be just friends with him. I looked at him as much more than just friends. He knew that. Someone posted that even if he and I did talk again, the breakup would overshadow everything, and that's true. That's what made me have to cut off contact with him. I couldn't look past how much he hurt me by what he did.

Anyway, I am feeling a bit better today. I was just having a bad day yesterday and for some reason my ex was really on my mind. I think it all came about because there is a story in the news that he and I normally would be discussing quite a bit and a movie I saw that he and I normally would have talked a lot about together. Just little things like that make me miss him. I just miss talking to him... :( Silly I suppose. I loved hearing his opinions on things.

It made me sad to think that Christmas of 2005, he and I were exchanging gifts, planning a vacation together, discussing jobs for me to move to his city, and then fast forward to Christmas of 2006, he and I didn't so much as even say "Merry Christmas" to one another. So strange. I just don't know how it came to this when I cared for him so much and we seemed to get along so well. Oh well. Such is life I suppose. Does anyone else ever have thoughts like this? Like... what the hell happened here?

Anyway, after I posted here, I took a nap, worked out, took a long bath, called my best friend and we went out to a good Italian restaurant. I felt better afterwards. I am off to work today. I am a nurse and work 3 twelve hour shifts per week. That keeps my mind occupied, believe me! I am usually too busy and tired to think of anything after a day on the job. This is a good thing when you are going through a breakup. :D

Anyway, thanks again for your replies. Glad I have helped you Geoff. I wish I could take my own advice a bit better. I'm working on it.