My 34 year old daughter hates me I know I was hard on her sometimes when she was little but I gave her a lot of love and attention my husband is an alcoholic so it was hard to raise 5 kids alone he was also verbally abuse They are all good self-supporting kids. Two are lcsw ane two are lawyers and one is in business. They can be very mean to me. But my oldest is rude ungrateful and a user She has 2 children I help watch they are the only reason I don't break ties with her I feel bad but she would never address anything I briught up to her. My other kids are beginning to see the bad dynamics they learned from their father but not her

Your children watched your husband verbally bash you, emotionally strip you down to nothing more then someone to do his bidding.

For whatever reasons you stayed, and while making that choice for yourself you also made that choice for your children to be witness to this abuse. They saw where you didn't set up and protect yourself, you just took the abuse. So they have learned to first of all be strong is how you succeed.

Now how they are intrepid what strong is may vary from child to child. Most of them may assume might is right. The more assertive, and demanding is how you get ahead without having some bully you.

Unfortuantely you are right back to were you are accepting this emotionaly abuse, but now its from your children, I really don't care what degree each one of them give to you, ABUSE IS ABUSE at ANY DEGREE!!

So question is are you just going to sit by and take it. Are you waiting for another one of your children to step up to plate and tell her to stop being a bully to you. Why should they take chance of having her take her frustration out on them.

Honestly, don't you think its time to STAND UP for YOURSELF to PROVE once and for all to EVERY single one of your children that you are their MOTHER and DESERVE THEIR RESPECT!! You will not tolerate their pissy attitude in any way shape or form. When they speak to you or around you they will treat you descently or they can remove themselves from your presence immediately. Advise them all you are NO LONGER Anyone's target, that those days are long done and over with!!

Take care

I think there comes a point where adults have to accept their lives and live them, without blaming all their shortcomings and problems on a parent.

And, parents have to accept their own lives, and live their life without accepting blame and guilt from their adult children.

If a 35 year old woman treats you with disrespect, and is a user, and is rude, you should put an end to it.

If she has problems that cause her to behave this way, real, imagined, or otherwise, she should see a therapist and work through how these problems are affecting her own life. If she fell and broke her leg while skiing, would she blame you for that? No. She'd go get her leg in a cast, and move on.

While you allow yourself to be a victim here (of her or anybody else, or any of your other adult children), you will remain feeling responsible for them, and accept, and continue to accept, very bad behaviour.

Your oldest daughter holding her children as a bargaining chip for you to see, or not see, your grandchildren, is also a consequence for you accepting her continued abuse toward you.

At age 35, her childhood, should not be preventing her from growing up, and accepting life on her own terms, without continuously blaming you for her shortcomings. No matter what her childhood was like, it's over. If she can't come to terms with how she perceives it to have been, and she cannot let go, she needs to be in therapy.

And as long as you allow yourself to be treated this way by any of your children, they will not change. It is up to you to make changes in your own life, in order to not be held hostage, by anybody, including your children.

You are the only one who can define clearly, what you will accept, and what you won't. If I were in your shoes, I would seek counselling myself, and learn how to set boundaries, and learn by gaining confidence through learning new skills, exactly how to do that.

I know everything you say is right on target and I feel I'm making some progress the other part is my husband will sit there and not give any support. He has a load from his parents his father was as abusive as sybils mom no.lie

You as a parent should have protected your daughter from being in an abusive environment growing up. You cannot blame your daughter that your husband was an abusive alcoholic and that you decided to have five children with him. That was not her choice to be raised that way. You also say you were "hard" on her. I'm sure she would have something to say about that. Why are you so surprised that she may have issues with you? You take zero responsibility for your actions in how she was raised and then call her hurtful names. I am sure that you have called those names to her face and worse. Perhaps it is best that your relationship with your daughter is terminated, but don't play the victim card. She probably would be better off without a mother who failed to protect her growing up and continues to hurt her in her adult years. You will never get the respect you want from your daughter if you play the victim and blame everyone else for your own life decisions.

You obviously have no idea what it is like to be a part of an abusive relationship with an alcoholic. My late husband died an alcoholic. After ten years and counseling I was able to get out of the marriage; he died shortly after the divorce. I raised three young children on my own. Today, I too have a verbally abusive daughter who heard plenty from him up until the age of ten when her father died. I'm sure this woman did the best she could because not everyone has the strength to get out of an abusive marriage. Counseling helps but it doesn't fix everything. There is a lot of fear in this type of relationship and only people who have been through this can understand what I am saying. Her daughter is an adult now and needs to take responsibility for her own behavior and actions and quit the blame game. No one can change the past or the behavior and actions of another person. It is sad that one person's actions can create such long lasting hurt and anger.

I have been the co-dependent for many years, However, the last 10 have been a 180 turning point for myself, I realized what my kids are is what I have given them, I made a change in my life knowing I may lose many people I have loved ut here's the secret The truly didn't love me whether I changed or not, I love myself enough to change to gain one major asset I never had That is PEACE. I no longer give it away I will remain in Love and Peace. For the abusive children I have 6 My oldest is 30 and ditto I no longer need to except disrespect from NO one, I will still love them but at a Boundary in place arms reach you might say, Boundaries are the key. This is not easy but gets easier as you experience peace more and more, you will love it the out come will be no one but that person has to take responsibility for their own, I own mine get yours. That you for all the comments it truly is great to know I am not alone in having to wonder. I can say the 12 step is where I finally broke all above situations. Amen I am now a leader (sponsor) for women and I love it.