I've been with my husband for 9 years and married for almost 2. We have 3 children together who are 8, 5, and 15 months. Our relationship has always been pretty rocky. He's just never cared for me the way that I did for him. I was madly in love with him and wanted nothing but for us to work out and be happy together. But he feels that I've made our lives too complicated and he's not happy with the way things are. He's always blaming everything on me and won't talk with me to help sort things out. He just says that he's here for the kids and he never wanted to get married because he doesn't want to get divorced. But he doesn't want to be here for me emotionally. About 5 years ago I met a man and we became the best of friends. We've always enjoyed spending time with each other. I recently became aware that I feel towards him the way I used to towards my husband. I brought it up with him and he told me that he's been in love with me for years. Now I don't know what to do. With his admission and my feelings, I just can't get him off my mind. But I'm still married and have 3 kids with my husband. The feelings and emotional attachment are just gone. What should I do?

Have you thought about what will happen if you leave?

How you will support yourself and the kids?

The financial,emotional,mental and legal fall out of leaving the marriage, not too mention custody of the children,visitation and living arrangements.

Have you considered councilling with your husband?

If he has said no in the past,with this new information,perhaps he will reconsider putting more energy into the saving the marriage.

Its going to take a lot of courage and hardwork if you decide to stay and work on your marriage, and its going to take a lot of hard work and courage if you decide to leave.

There is no easy answer here.

I understand that you are feeling unloved in a marriage that your husband said that he never wanted. But, before you go any further with this other guy, stop and really look around. Are you sure that you want to throw away this marriage.

Is there anyway you can sit down with your husband and talk to him, even if he doesn't want to go to counseling you NEED too. You need to be able to go to someone who isn't emotionally involved with you, who can actually advise you on how to handle different scenario depending on which choice you make. One thing is for sure no one is going to advise you it's a great idea to either cheat on your husband, or go from one relationship to another.

You cannot just sweep all of the problems from your marriage underneath the carpet and start a whole new relationship with this other guy. Those problems not dealt with will only re-surface later when you are expecting them, and may cause even more damage.

This has been going on for quite some time. We actually split up a few years ago and were apart for almost a year before trying again to make it work. Things went well at first, but quickly went back to the same problems. No matter how many times I try to talk things out with him, he just constantly brushes it off and ignores me. Even when I tell him that I'm about ready to end things with him, he just laughs it off. It's very frustrating, as I believe that communication is the most important thing in a relationship and we just have none.

If you feel this marriage is done, then finish it. No one has the right to judge you for ending a marriage with a man who has said he doesn't want to be married to you, nor a man who admits that he never felt the way towards you that you did for him.

However, its when you start a relationship with ANOTHER man is when people do tend to start judging, rather we like it or not. If this man is whom you want to be with, then go forward and divorce your husband.

Then take time to heal and grow from this marriage. Listen, lets at least be honest, it takes two to make a marriage or break it. I still say to get counseling for no other reason then to help yourself, which in return will only help your children. Don't just go from one man to another without giving yourself as a woman time to see what the heck you do want out of life, and by that I mean what you want other then a MAN in it. See what you can obtain just being on your own!!

I wish you the best!!

Thank you so much for your help, I hope things work out for the best.

This is the problem I have. The very fact that you chose to distract yourself to get your needs outside the marriage, instead of resolving the issues with your husband, is what I feel added fuel to the fire of your thinking, and you have latched on to another guy, gotten into a comfort zone, but the issue with the husband, and the life with him is still there, made worse because you THINK you have a better option.

I think you go or stay, but decide with out the influence of another guy in your life. All of those who form attachments such as you have, outside the marriage run into the same problem, it feels so good at the time, but is along term disaster waiting to happen.

People are different when there is no commitment, and they can say all the stuff they want that makes you feel good, but things change when you actually have to find out the bad points you missed being blinded by love, lust, need, and WANT.

The time for deep thought, and contemplation of all the facts you can get are before you act on your feelings, NOT after. After is too late.

Talaniman, I have not done anything with the other man, we have simply become best friends over the years. There has never been anything going on. While I see your points, he's felt this way for a long time, I really don't see that changing. When someone has been in love with you for years, even while they can't be with you, that's not going to change easily.

Mamaof3,

I am a good man, but even though I have been married 22 years. It was not easy and I can vouch that men don't do a great job of attending to their spouses emotional needs... especially when they have never been taught. And they are prideful. When we get married very few of us take the time to talk thing over before "I do" our emotions do most of the talking. Then post wedding its like how did I get here. Choices. We all have to look in mirror vice blaming someone for our lack of getting what we thought we had or deserve. I am willing to bet you are not the problem but the scapegoat. He is unhappy with his life and thought things would be different. But what we fail to see is... marriage is about commitment not feelings. We grow in Love not fall in love. If start to get distracted by things outside the relationship we can never really see how wonderful it could become. The things we can do if we just look at the union at not the past or unclear future. All you have is "now" and children that you both help bring into this world. That responsibility should out weight any selfish feelings that arrive out of a temporary set back. It feels could to know someone who listens and says I have always loved you. But that is irrealavent when it comes to commitment. We can always make excuses and say what if, would have should have could have. Thing is when one is willing to save and the other is unsure it means that their is enough spark to make a fire. The best counsel is patients and endurance. At one time there was a fire and love. The fire maybe going out or even out. But all is takes is a courageous person to blow on the flames and say I am standing up for my marriage and my children. Not my feelings. And if a man is honest and a true friend he will not allow himself to come between you and your still together marriage. Make the choice based on your conversations not your feelings. Got out and really talk. I mean really. Sit down and write it on paper. Any stuborn man you will not listen to wisdom and hear how you really feel is not a man. He is afraid and selfish. Let wisdom be your guide no one knows him like you do.

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QUOTE by mamaof3;
Talaniman, I have not done anything with the other man, we have simply become best friends over the years.

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Sorry but your best friend has distracted you for 5 years. You have bonded as friends for a long time, and your marriage has suffered. Just curious, does your husband know of this friend? If not then your friend is essentially more a secret lover without sex, but everything else. A safe haven you run to when things are rough.

Just me, but I would never have a friend my whole family could not know, especially my wife because, its just not healthy in any relationship, let alone marriage, to have friends of the opposite sex in secret. Again just curious, did you have to lie, and sneak to spend time with your friend? That in itself is a betrayal of the marriage. See where I am going with this? Distraction is a mild word. Emotional cheating would be a better one if deception, and secrecy surrounds this so called friendship.

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There has never been anything going on. While I see your points, he's felt this way for a long time, I really don't see that changing.

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You probably said that about your husband when you married him, and bore his children, even before marriage, you had feelings, both of you, that you thought would never change. Feelings change all the time because the reality of life changes us all. I really think that when we are not focused and are distracted as you have been for so long we miss the small subtle signs of those changes, and fail to make the proper adjustments.

Your friend, has the luxury of having feelings for you without the reality of commitment, obligation, or responsibility. He can feel strongly for you and say those words you long to hear, without doing a darn thing to prove them, other than just listen to you complain about a husband you are not happy with. Sorry that's not love, without actions to match, they are only distracting words, without proof or the work that goes with them.

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When someone has been in love with you for years, even while they can't be with you, that's not going to change easily

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The reality of maintaining a marriage changes EVERYTHING, and you have the evidence right in front of you that feelings do change over time. Your husbands changed, yours changed, we all change when faced with the work we are confronted with.

Another thing you fail to notice is what your husband may already feel is a reason NOT to communicate, or work with you, because your distraction with your friend may be seen as an affair, or a rejection, and probably started a long time ago, and may well be the reason that he is distant, instead of available emotionally.

So while you blame him for the disconnect, and discontent, its very important you see the part you play in this drama, and conflict. Especially if your husband doesn't know your friend, has no contact with him, but is suspicious of how you spend your time, even if this is a PHONE connection. He knows something is off, and until you both communicate, or at least pay attention and listen to each other. Things will continue to go down hill because conflict increases, along with drama and hard feelings.

Communications start with HONESTY, and have to have a balance of talking, and listening. Or else there is NO relationship, or common plan to deal with REALITY.