Met the most amazing through an unsolicited IM in 1999. We were in are early 20's. The IMing turned to phone conversations, and then meeting 5 months later. We fell in love so quickly. I moved from my home to where she lived at the beginning of 2000. In the summer of 2006, after some very stressful times, she decided to end the relationship. I begged and pleaded, but she stood firm. I moved out of our apartment back to where I grew up three months after the breakup. We continued to talk until last week. Periodically, I would bring up the relationship and whether it could be repairable. This seemed to only make her angry. I wanted to hear willingness to work it out, but I sought closure and finality. She said a great many things, some contradictory. In the end, I am still left wondering exactly where I stand with her. I can't understand how someone could just walk away from a 7 year relationship without feeling anything. In our early thirties now, what's next?

"I believe we can make it through this."
"I have feelings that I am not willing to reveal to you right now."
"I want proof of changes in your life."
"I need to focus on myself and make myself happy before I can allow anyone else to make me happy."
"If somebody asked me out, I would accept, but there isn't anybody interested in me right now."
"You telling me that I'm (beautiful, funny, smart, etc.) has lost its luster. I'd like to hear it from someone else."
"I've looked up old boyfriends two years after the fact and had a friendship."
"You mean so much to me."
"I want you in my life."

These are some of the things she's told me. We've agreed to give each other space, but no definite time for the time not communicating. I'm left wondering if she's done or she's just afraid of the future. I'm not sure what I should do or even if I should do anything at all. We now live about 3 1/2 hours away, we'll be even farther apart in about three months. I feel that it has to happen sooner rather than later, but she's not going to allow me to force it.

Is it over for good?

Are you ready for the harsh reality?
Yes I believe you need to move on. And in the future, Please don't beg and squabble - it's really a big no no... It makes a man appear to be wimpy. Women want strong confident men. A man in control of himself - one who can take charge of every obstacle in his life like a pro.
So in order to attract new possible relationships, you need to attract women... Do this by being charming and confident. Let them see a man who needs no one in order to survive and be happy in life.

Well I have a hunch that something happened right before the break up with someone else. It's not a clear cut with the information you've provided as it is with other cases that are posted here but her behavior and a couple of her quotes really struck me as something that someone might say who was cheating or wanted to start something with someone else.

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Originally Posted by Morrolan

We fell in love so quickly.

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Just out of curiosity was this a rebound relationship for her?

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Originally Posted by Morrolan

In the summer of 2006, after some very stressful times, she decided to end the relationship.

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Mind you this is only my theory that someone else was involved based ont the quotes you provided. You don't really say what the stress was so it's hard to get a firm idea but did she start acting different within the last 6 months of the relationship? If so that's usually a sign that she wants out or has put "feelers" out to see if anybody would be interested.

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Originally Posted by Morrolan

I begged and pleaded, but she stood firm. I moved out of our apartment back to where I grew up three months after the breakup. We continued to talk until last week. Periodically, I would bring up the relationship and whether or not it could be repairable. This seemed to only make her angry. I wanted to hear willingness to work it out, but I sought closure and finality.

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Yeah she had already decided to leave before she actually left. You were asking her when she was emotionally removed from the relationship while you were still hoping for the reconciliation. Emotionally you were at to different places.

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Originally Posted by Morrolan

She said a great many things, some contradictory.

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She was stringing you along in case something else didn’t work out.

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Originally Posted by Morrolan

In the end, I am still left wondering exactly where I stand with her. I can't understand how someone could just walk away from a 7 year relationship without feeling anything. In our early thirties now, what's next?

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I’m sorry to say that I don’t think you have any standing with her. Also I don’t think she “just walked away. I think she knew she was going to do this long before she did.

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Originally Posted by Morrolan

"I believe we can make it through this."

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Again that comment seems like it’s designed to string you along in case she needs a back up plan. The reason I say that is because she says you make it through but she doesn’t tell you what her concerns are. So how are you even supposed to make sense of that.

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Originally Posted by Morrolan

"I have feelings that I am not willing to reveal to you right now."

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This was one of the quotes that struck me that I mentioned above. I believe those feelings she hiding are not for you at all. I believe they are for someone else that she either cheated on you with or left you to start something with.

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Originally Posted by Morrolan

"I want proof of changes in your life."

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What are you supposed to change into? That’s a loaded statement intended to string you along.

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Originally Posted by Morrolan

"I need to focus on myself and make myself happy before I can allow anyone else to make me happy."

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Well I agree with her that she must focus on herself but the reality is nobody can make her happy but her.

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Originally Posted by Morrolan

"If somebody asked me out, I would accept, but there isn't anybody interested in me right now."

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And this was another that struck me. I think somebody is interested or she’s interested and this is her way of letting you know it without saying it.

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Originally Posted by Morrolan

"You telling me that I'm (beautiful, funny, smart, etc.) has lost its luster. I'd like to hear it from someone else."

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Another statement that says she’s seeking someone else. In my mind it also proves my theory that she left the relationship emotionally before she left physically.

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Originally Posted by Morrolan

"I've looked up old boyfriends two years after the fact and had a friendship."

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And this was the big quote for me. The reason I asked if you were a rebound it I was thinking she might have gone back to the guy she was with before you and started something with him. But that also didn’t work before so she needs to keep you as a back up.

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Originally Posted by Morrolan

"You mean so much to me."

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Again, intended to string you along.

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Originally Posted by Morrolan

"I want you in my life."

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Again, string you along.

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Originally Posted by Morrolan

These are some of the things she's told me. We;ve agreed to give each other space, but no definite time period for the time not communicating. I'm left wondering if she's done or she's just afraid of the future. I'm not sure what I should do or even if I should do anything at all.

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I think you need to lose all contact.

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Originally Posted by Morrolan

We now live about 3 1/2 hours away,

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I think that’s a blessing in disguise right there.

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Originally Posted by Morrolan

we'll be even farther apart in about three months. I feel that it has to happen sooner rather than later, but she's not going to allow me to force it.

Is it over for good?

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I think so my friend. I also think you need to let her go so that you can start to get over this. I don’t like the way she’s been giving you false hope and stringing you along. For you to grow and get over this you must let go now and start focusing on the future.

Morrolan, Hey bud I can feel your pain and confusion. The good news is she has freed you from her confusion and doubts to seek some one who is more compatible and stable. All you have to do is accept that this is over and deal with the grief of a dead relationship. Hard on the heart, but in the long run you will benefit greatly from the experience and pain and move ahead a much better person. Life has many things waiting for you so be ready with a clear conscience and positive attitude. Put a high value on your youth and freedom and don't look back.

Morrolan, I am really sorry for you and can understand what you're going through. You are apparrently asking yourself how could a relationship of 7 years stop in such a sudden way. But I agree with Chuff here that she might have considered this and finally taken her decision long before you learnt it. This situation is much similar to mine (again 7 year relationship that ended this autumn). I am not sure if I'm up to such advice as I am only in the beginning of let-go process, but I can tell from experience that pain trickles away slowly, and you will feel better later...

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Originally Posted by chuff

Well I have a hunch that something happened right before the break up with someone else. It's not a clear cut with the information you've provided as it is with other cases that are posted here but her behavior and a couple of her quotes really struck me as something that someone might say who was cheating or wanted to start something with someone else.

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I have considered that, but it's not truly in her nature. Cheating, that is. It is possible that she is interested in someone new.

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Just out of curiosity was this a rebound relationship for her?

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Does a rebound relationship last 7 years with talk of marriage, moving in together in another state, and definitive plans for the future? She did break up with a boyfriend months before meeting. I don't know if that factors in as it was almost a year before we actually got together.

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Mind you this is only my theory that someone else was involved based ont the quotes you provided. You don't really say what the stress was so it's hard to get a firm idea but did she start acting different within the last 6 months of the relationship? If so that's usually a sign that she wants out or has put "feelers" out to see if anybody would be interested.

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Well, the stresses were mainly caused by me. I didn't have a driver's license when we met, and was never really motivated while we were living in New York. It was very important to her. I also had some debt that I fell behind on to live a lifestyle that I couldn't afford. When we were living together in North Carolina, I was making much less money and couldn't afford to make the changes that could have saved the relationship.

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Yeah she had already decided to leave before she actually left. You were asking her when she was emotionally removed from the relationship while you were still hoping for the reconciliation. Emotionally you were at to different places.

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I still believe that to this day. However, she constantly told me that she hadn't moved on. And she got slightly offended when I told her that I wanted closure if she had.

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She was stringing you along in case something else didn't work out.

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Is that true in all cases? She has never lied or misled me in the past, and I made it very clear that I wanted honesty over the saving of my feelings.

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I'm sorry to say that I don't think you have any standing with her. Also I don't think she “just walked away. I think she knew she was going to do this long before she did.

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I feel that somewhat. It's just the unsolicited comments of "I want to work through this." that make me believe that there may be some question.

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Again that comment seems like it's designed to string you along in case she needs a back up plan. The reason I say that is because she says you make it through but she doesn't tell you what her concerns are. So how are you even supposed to make sense of that.

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She has told me her concerns. That's where the thing about proof throws me off.

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This was one of the quotes that struck me that I mentioned above. I believe those feelings she hiding are not for you at all. I believe they are for someone else that she either cheated on you with or left you to start something with.

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I would agree with your belief. I just haven't seen any evidence to the contrary. I've looked for weight loss, changes in appearance, and evidence of another person in her life, but have found none. It doesn't mean that it isn't true, but it's definitely very well hidden. She used that quote when I talked of pulling away and closing the possibilities off for good. She has even said that she wishes she could honestly have said that she cheated on me, but she hadn't so she wasn't going to lie to me.

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What are you supposed to change into? That's a loaded statement intended to string you along.

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Along with her telling me her concerns, she has said she wants a man with a license, a car, a decent job, and stability. I have 3 out of the 4 right now and should become debt-free and stable within 3-6 months.

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Well I agree with her that she must focus on herself but the reality is nobody can make her happy but her.

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This confuses me. If there is somebody else, wouldn't that defeat the purpose of trying to make herself happy.

Quote:

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And this was another that struck me. I think somebody is interested or she's interested and this is her way of letting you know it without saying it.

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She swears that she isn't looking for it. Around Christmas, she acted very happy to hear from me, and even wanted me to come see her. She acted very excited that she might be able to see after the couple of months that we were apart.

Another statement that says she's seeking someone else. In my mind it also proves my theory that she left the relationship emotionally before she left physically.

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And this was the big quote for me. The reason I asked if you were a rebound it I was thinking she might have gone back to the guy she was with before you and started something with him. But that also didn't work before so she needs to keep you as a back up.

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The guy she was dating before me is no longer in her life. He went into the military and they have not talked in years. But I do think that you may be right about a someone else.

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Again, intended to string you along.

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Why would you not be honest when someone is standing in front of you asking just for honesty?

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I think you need to lose all contact.

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I've pushed for that, and she gets offended by me trying to clean up loose ends with mutual friends and her family. She is insistent that she intends to have a friendship with me and that maybe it can turn into something more.

I've gone through breakups before and been on both sides. Some of what you mentioned has crossed my mind. However, I know her pretty well, and some of it just doesn't fit her. She has not ever lied to me, nor has she misled me. She's always been very straightforward with me.

As statistics show, breakups that last more than 3-4 months tend to become permanent, I don't have any hope that things can get better. She disagrees and says she has known more than a few friends that find their way back to each other even 6 months or a year later. She has said she's even looked up old boyfriends after two years. She seems to want me to keep holding on. I'm confused as to why someone would put the person they love through so much hurt when they could just come clean and give them the closure they are seeking.

As this is the perfect woman in my eyes, I'm afraid of settling for second best. Trust me, my feelings are not a kneejerk reaction. I've felt the same way for 7 years. I am taking this space time to clean up my own life and move on. I'm afraid of what will happen if she contacts me in a few months and is happy to talk to me. The emotions and memories are too powerful to ignore. I am the one that has been pushing for closure and a complete separation, but she is the one that wants to keep me close by. Any opinions on that?

If there isn't another person in her eyes, should I wait the space out and maybe try for something later if the chemistry is still there or should I harden my heart from it and look for the second best?

I think you should treat it as though it's over for good. She obviously isn't being straight and upfront with you and probably never will. Get on with your life and meet and date others. Get involved with many activities that are of interest to you. Don't obsess over her and don't have any more contact with her. Realize that you don't need her to make you happy.

She wants one thing you want another. You want to move on, and from what I have read here, that sounds like a great idea.

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Originally Posted by talaniman

She wants one thing you want another. You want to move on, and from what I have read here, that sounds like a great idea.

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It is a great idea. Unfortunately, much easier is theory than in practice. I've lost so much of myself over the past couple of months. It's a long and bumpy road back.

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Originally Posted by Morrolan

It is a great idea. Unfortunately, much easier is theory than in practice. I've lost so much of myself over the past couple of months. It's a long and bumpy road back.

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You got that right, my friend. You face a hard long road ahead as many here can attest to. The good part is you will emerge healthy and have a new sense of self respect and self awareness that will carry you for the rest of your life. You will make better decisions and choose better paths to walk through your life. You will get yourself back better than before and will know what makes you happy and what doesn't. Well worth the journey.

Hi Morrolan!

Like other posters said... yes, move on! If she contacts you, do not mention your relationship. Keep your conversations short and to the point. Do not act excited about talking to her (but don't sound angry either).

Allow yourself time to heal. Spend time with friends. Keep yourself busy!! :D

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Originally Posted by SINGLE4

Hi Morrolan!

Like other posters said... yes, move on! If she contacts you, do not mention your relationship. Keep your conversations short and to the point. Do not act excited about talking to her (but don't sound angry either).

Allow yourself time to heal. Spend time with friends. Keep yourself busy!!!:D

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If or when she does contact me and is interested in a friendship or possibly more, should I completely discount it or maybe see what develops? She is most likely moving back home at the end of April/early May. I have a slight feeling that she'll call around that time or she'll never call at all.

I'm not unconvinced that she may be testing me. She's made so much about how she doesn't want the same relationship, but won't let me pull away in my own way. I figure this is going to take forever and a day to get over, and I'm scared to death of falling into that trap where I jump into it because I'm lonely.

I do appreciate the candor that has been presented in this thread. It may seem like I am arguing and trying to hold (and I am kind of), but I am someone that needs answers to questions and doesn't do well without complete information. I have one last thing to add to this. Before I left the apartment we shared, she told me very forcefully that before she would consider any new relationship with me, she would need to see that I could do it on my own. Given what has been inferred here, can someone give me some insight into whether this is just stringing me along or maybe genuine confusion on her part?

No insights here sorry but I can tell you to find the path that you want no matter what her intentions or motivations. Her demands would be out of line to me, and a dealbreaker.

Stupid 10,000 word limit caught me again.

Part 1 of 2

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Originally Posted by Morrolan

I have considered that, but it's not truly in her nature. Cheating, that is. It is possible that she is interested in someone new.

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Everybody wants to believe that their partner won’t cheat. But that’s not always reality. I’m looking at this from the standpoint of no emotional attachment. I’m not emotionally wrapped up in this like you are. But I also believe your fighting the pain and in denial.

The human brain goes into denial as a protection mechanism to help alleviate the shock of emotional pain. That’s why when some people find out a loved one dies they don’t always react right away. It might take hours or even days for the denial to wear off. And losing a girlfriend is like someone dying. She is not going to be part of your life anymore and it’s a huge emotional shock and causes great emotional pain. But your extending this denial and this emotional pain by the very fact that you continue to communicate with her. Your sort of stuck in emotional limbo. But I’m telling you as a man who has been where you’ve been and desperately seeking answers that for your own good, you need to cut off communication now. Is it going to be easy. Hell no. I’m not going to lie to you. Are you strong enough to do it? You and I both know you are.

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Originally Posted by Morrolan

Does a rebound relationship last 7 years with talk of marriage, moving in together in another state, and definitive plans for the future?

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Some do. Some last a lifetime. If she left one relationship and is afraid to face being alone more than having someone in her life then she could very well stay 7 years.

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Originally Posted by Morrolan

She did break up with a boyfriend months before meeting. I don't know if that factors in as it was almost a year before we actually got together.

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Well I’d have to agree with you and say this was not a rebound then.

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Originally Posted by Morrolan

Well, the stresses were mainly caused by me. I didn't have a driver's license when we met, and was never really motivated while we were living in New York. It was very important to her. I also had some debt that I fell behind on to live a lifestyle that I couldn't afford. When we were living together in North Carolina, I was making much less money and couldn't afford to make the changes that could have saved the relationship.

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I wouldn’t be putting the blame all on you. She may have told you that but she’s definitely lying and I still think she’s interested in someone else. But let’s get real. Money wasn’t going to save this relationship.

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Originally Posted by Morrolan

I still believe that to this day. However, she constantly told me that she hadn't moved on. And she got slightly offended when I told her that I wanted closure if she had.

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This to me actually puts more weight into the idea that she did either see someone or wants to. Of course she’s telling you she didn’t move on. That would make this all her fault and why would she take the blame when she can blame you and make you feel guilty. And what has she done? Blamed you and made you feel guilty.

Plus if she tells you she moved on then she can’t use you as a back up plan when the other fling fails or falls through.

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Originally Posted by Morrolan

She has never lied or misled me in the past, and I made it very clear that I wanted honesty over the saving of my feelings.

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She’s lied to you before. You just never caught her or you were blinded. She’s lying to you now. And despite what you ask her she isn’t going to spare your feelings when it makes her look bad.

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Originally Posted by Morrolan

I feel that somewhat. It's just the unsolicited comments of "I want to work through this." that make me believe that there may be some question.

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Keeps you stringing along.

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Originally Posted by Morrolan

She has told me her concerns. That's where the thing about proof throws me off.

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Sure she has. So that if she comes back to you she gets a few changes or at least says that her reason for leaving was you.

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Originally Posted by Morrolan

I would agree with your belief. I just haven't seen any evidence to the contrary. I've looked for weight loss, changes in appearance, and evidence of another person in her life, but have found none. It doesn't mean that it isn't true, but it's definitely very well hidden. She used that quote when I talked of pulling away and closing the possibilities off for good.

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Well honestly different men are attracted to all kinds women. I’ll flat out tell you that I’d rather date someone 100 lbs overweight than the current trend of 75 lb women that look like walking corpses that Hollywood is throwing at us. You also say this is well hidden but you live 3 hours away. I mean how hard is it to hide it? Even when you were there I bet there were times when they could have got together without your knowledge.

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Originally Posted by Morrolan

She has even said that she wishes she could honestly have said that she cheated on me, but she hadn't so she wasn't going to lie to me.

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The same woman who gets mad when you ask her if she cheated says she wish she did cheat. Maybe it’s me but that seems like a big clue.

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Originally Posted by Morrolan

Along with her telling me her concerns, she has said she wants a man with a license, a car, a decent job, and stability. I have 3 out of the 4 right now and should become debt-free and stable within 3-6 months.

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I agree with her that she has a right to those things but come on. Three to six months is not a long time to pull yourself out of debt. In the grand scheme of things that’s nothing and any woman in her 30’s knows it.

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Originally Posted by Morrolan

This confuses me. If there is somebody else, wouldn't that defeat the purpose of trying to make herself happy.

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That’s my point. That line is an excuse. And a lame one at that. Only she can make herself happy. You can’t do it, I can’t do, nobody but her can do it. Will she have events not go her way? Sure. Will she have bad days? Of course. But in the long run over the course of her life or anybodies life it has to be yourself that makes you happy. So she is really saying she’s not happy with the relationship (not herself) or she found somebody that she would rather be with and gave you that line.

Plus look at what that line does. It strings you along. It makes you hope that she will come to her senses. That works in the movies but not so much in real life.

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Originally Posted by Morrolan

She swears that she isn't looking for it. Around Christmas, she acted very happy to hear from me, and even wanted me to come see her. She acted very excited that she might be able to see after the couple of months that we were apart.

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So did you see each other? Or was she just acting that way?

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Originally Posted by Morrolan

The guy she was dating before me is no longer in her life. He went into the military and they have not talked in years. But I do think that you may be right about a someone else.

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Look I was just saying it could have been and old boyfriend because of her statement. I still believe she found someone else.

Part 2 of 2

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Originally Posted by Morrolan

Why would you not be honest when someone is standing in front of you asking just for honesty?

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Because someone else is not a guarantee. She knows you are.

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Originally Posted by Morrolan

I've pushed for that, and she gets offended by me trying to clean up loose ends with mutual friends and her family. She is insistent that she intends to have a friendship with me and that maybe it can turn into something more.

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I agree with her about bringing this to your friends and her family. This is between you two and should not involve friends and her family is off limits.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by Morrolan

I've gone through breakups before and been on both sides. Some of what you mentioned has crossed my mind. However, I know her pretty well, and some of it just doesn't fit her. She has not ever lied to me, nor has she misled me. She's always been very straightforward with me.

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Allheart, a regular poster here put something up a few days ago that said at the end of a relationship we tend to mourn the person we thought they were or wanted them to be, as opposed to the person they really were. I think that applies here. I think who your mourning is who you wanted her to be or to who you have built her up to be. But I don’t think she’s as honest as you make her out to be. Some of her contradictory statements back that up.

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Originally Posted by Morrolan

As statistics show, breakups that last more than 3-4 months tend to become permanent, I don't have any hope that things can get better. She disagrees and says she has known more than a few friends that find their way back to each other even 6 months or a year later. She has said she's even looked up old boyfriends after two years. She seems to want me to keep holding on.

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You got it.

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Originally Posted by Morrolan

I'm confused as to why someone would put the person they love through so much hurt when they could just come clean and give them the closure they are seeking.

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I feel for you. Look like I said, she left this relationshop emotionally before she left it physically. She’s not in love with you. In fact I don’t know if she even loves you. She might like you. She might like the attention. She loves the back up plan. But she doesn’t love you enough to give you the closure you seek because that comes at the expense of her actions. She won’t have a back up plan. She won’t have anyone to run to when whatever she’s got going on with someone else falls apart.

Honestly, she says to you she knows people after two years that got back together. Is she really going to string you along for TWO years? That’s not love. That’s pathetic. Dare I say that’s a form of hatred to emotionally torture someone like that. And yet she obviously laid the groundwork for doing just that by saying that to you. If you let her go now in two years you’ll be over her. Are you going to let her drag this out that long so she can torture you and then start the healing process in January 2009?

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Originally Posted by Morrolan

As this is the perfect woman in my eyes, I'm afraid of settling for second best.

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This is not a knock on her but there are 3 billion women on the planet. There is somebody better than her. I just want you to put into perspective here.

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Originally Posted by Morrolan

Trust me, my feelings are not a kneejerk reaction. I've felt the same way for 7 years.

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Oh believe me, I have not doubt in my mind that you are madly in love with her. But I’m positive she feels different and your obviously emotionally hurt and confused and at the same time desiring this to go back to the way it was. I’m saying that I don’t see that happening. And I also saying I don’t think it was your fault despite what she says.

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Originally Posted by Morrolan

I am taking this space time to clean up my own life and move on. I'm afraid of what will happen if she contacts me in a few months and is happy to talk to me. The emotions and memories are too powerful to ignore. I am the one that has been pushing for closure and a complete separation, but she is the one that wants to keep me close by. Any opinions on that?

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Yeah, she wants a back up plan. She wants someone just in case something doesn’t go her way elsewhere. I think your instincts are right. I think your brain is telling you what to do but your heart is interfering. Well my heart an the hearts of all the other posters are not involved so we can think logically for you and I think we all see this isn’t going to last and in fact it’s only making you worse.

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Originally Posted by Morrolan

If there isn't another person in her eyes, should I wait the space out and maybe try for something later if the chemistry is still there or should I harden my heart from it and look for the second best?

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Neither. She’s gone and she made that call so to bad for her. Let her go and take as much time as you need to get over this. As far as settling second best who are you trying to fool. You’ve got a lot going for you and you’ve proven you can be loyal after years which many women other than your ex would appreciate. You’ve also proven that you can be honest with a woman in spite of the lies she tells you. I think you’ve settled for second best for the last 7 years. Now cut it off and look at the positives and all the things you have going for you and reach into the pile of women that offer first prize potential.

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Originally Posted by chuff

Part 2 of 2
Allheart, a regular poster here put something up a few days ago that said at the end of a relationship we tend to mourn the person we thought they were or wanted them to be, as opposed to the person they really were. I think that applies here. I think who your mourning is who you wanted her to be or to who you have built her up to be. But I don’t think she’s as honest as you make her out to be. Some of her contradictory statements back that up.

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Honestly, I am not mourning who I want her to be or who I have built her up to be. I feel the same about her as the first day I met her. She has always been my perfect counterpart.

She may not be as honest as I believe, either, but I have no proof to the contrary. Many things she has said in anger and others in times of reflection. I know that sounds like I am arguing, but I'm really not. It's just kind of the way I am.

Again, I appreciate your candor. I am slowly moving on and away, as difficult as it may be. I don't know if I'll ever stop hoping for a second go around, but this discussion has brought me clarity. I was going to next ask about how to get her back, but you've made me realize that only fate can do that. Meanwhile, I have to move on to improving myself and either re-attracting her or attracting someone that will stay with me through thick and thin. Thanks.

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Originally Posted by chuff

I agree with her about bringing this to your friends and her family. This is between you two and should not involve friends and her family is off limits.

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So, I should not try to continue friendships with those mutual friends of our that we shared? I shouldn't tell her family how much I appreciated them treating me like a member of the family? I mean, her dad did offer me the diamond from her mom's engagement ring to propose to her.

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Originally Posted by Morrolan

met the most amazing through an unsolicited IM in 1999. We were in are early 20's. The IMing turned to phone conversations, and then meeting 5 months later. We fell in love so quickly. I moved from my home to where she lived at the beginning of 2000. In the summer of 2006, after some very stressful times, she decided to end the relationship. I begged and pleaded, but she stood firm. I moved out of our apartment back to where I grew up three months after the breakup. We continued to talk until last week. Periodically, I would bring up the relationship and whether or not it could be repairable. This seemed to only make her angry. I wanted to hear willingness to work it out, but I sought closure and finality. She said a great many things, some contradictory. In the end, I am still left wondering exactly where I stand with her. I can't understand how someone could just walk away from a 7 year relationship without feeling anything. In our early thirties now, what's next?

"I believe we can make it through this."
"I have feelings that I am not willing to reveal to you right now."
"I want proof of changes in your life."
"I need to focus on myself and make myself happy before I can allow anyone else to make me happy."
"If somebody asked me out, I would accept, but there isn't anybody interested in me right now."
"You telling me that I'm (beautiful, funny, smart, etc.) has lost its luster. I'd like to hear it from someone else."
"I've looked up old boyfriends two years after the fact and had a friendship."
"You mean so much to me."
"I want you in my life."

These are some of the things she's told me. We;ve agreed to give each other space, but no definite time period for the time not communicating. I'm left wondering if she's done or she's just afraid of the future. I'm not sure what I should do or even if I should do anything at all. We now live about 3 1/2 hours away, we'll be even farther apart in about three months. I feel that it has to happen sooner rather than later, but she's not going to allow me to force it.

Is it over for good?

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If she loves you and wants things to work she will come back. Pick yourself up and go on with your life... find yourself and build you confidence & self image... JUST BE and if and when she comes back you will be stronger person.. LIVE for yourself not what everyone else wants from you... Life is to short to worry about it... The important question is DO YOU LOVE yourself and who you have become over the years. Take this opportunity and fly!!

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Originally Posted by Morrolan

Honestly, I am not mourning who I want her to be or who I have built her up to be. I feel the same about her as the first day I met her. She has always been my perfect counterpart.

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Ok this is not a knock on her or you but I would have told you the same thing when I've been dumped out of the blue. But looking back on it now I can see that was not the case. In fact my longest relationship ever in which we did the talked about house, kids, blah, blah the whole thing like everybody does, I got dumped and didn't see it coming to save my life. But now, years later when I look back I can remember the changes that started taking place, and the signs that it was going to happen. But I was blind to it because I was emotionally wrapped up in it and to be honest I was naïve. I also thought she was my perfect counterpart but as my life has progressed I realize now that she would have held me down. I'm not telling you what to think or believe but I'm asking you to not build her up to be a deity when in the future when your not so emotionally wrapped up in her you can make honest apprasiels as to what really happened and how she really would have influenced your life.

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Originally Posted by Morrolan

She may not be as honest as I believe, either, but I have no proof to the contrary. Many things she has said in anger and others in times of reflection. I know that sounds like I am arguing, but I'm really not. It's just kind of the way I am.

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What it really sounds like is your searching for an answer. Maybe I'm wrong and I apologize now if I am but I think the answers are there. But again your so emotionally wrapped up that you can't think logically. Once the emotions die down things tend to make a lot more sense.

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Originally Posted by Morrolan

Again, I appreciate your candor. I am slowly moving on and away, as difficult as it may be. I don't know if I'll ever stop hoping for a second go around, but this discussion has brought me clarity. I was going to next ask about how to get her back, but you've made me realize that only fate can do that. Meanwhile, I have to move on to improving myself and either re-attracting her or attracting someone that will stay with me through thick and thin. Thanks.

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Well I think you need candor. I think you need honest, maybe even point blank advice. But I also think you really know you should pull away. I think you don't want to accept it but I think you know it's the right thing. I think your fighting it but realistically you know you have to do it. Hopefully other posters and myself have helped you confirm or cement that thought.

You know I know this is kind of early to even be saying this but this isn't the end, it's the start of something new. If you can get excited or even just get some positive feelings about that it will help tremendously in your healing and growth.