Am 49 old woman, in love with a 56old guy. I have 3 daughters, my Guy never had children, but had just 1 long relationship and 1 long marridge. We feel in love very very fast. We live 1h 30min drive from each other. He was very etntusiastic about my girls will know him, used to him, like him. But after 6 month at Christmas trime he realised, he took a FAMILY on him, god scared, got cold feet.He is not rich guy. He can see am strugling financially. May be I scared him off, but I was only going with my flow. I wasn't sugesting marrige or moving in together. All I said after 6 month that: ITS BREAKING MY HEART TO SEE HOW MUCH HE LIKES TO SPEND ON US GOING OUT, CAN HE PLEASE PERHAPS TO HELP ME A little BIT, AND I WILL LOOK AFTER HIM THE BEST I CAN. But h elash pout at me saying; HOW DARE AM TELLING HIM HOW HE SHOULD SPEND HIS MONEY ON! I Felt very hurt after that, it was unexpected. Am working, not earning lots, have no help from father of my children. But I wasn't looking for guy to sort me out financualy, I know I have to sort my debts and two teenage girls myself. But when the guy telling you every day how much he adores me, crazy about me, loves me etc, you do wandder, what if he mean what he is saying. Even the little gestures would help me to believe that he loves me truly. I started to think that he is in LUST, not love, he doensnt want commitment, but want us to be in exlisive relationship. H egot scared od resposibilities, even mind I was telling him, my girls don't need father figure, but a friend,he said he finding its hard now, he feels he has no SAY, that am not doing anything to make it easier and better etc. Am very hurt and frustarted. We tried to talk. I tried to explain, that evryone - him, me , my girls finding its hard to adapt changes, not only hi, but everyone trying. Girls didn't ask for this, its me and him desided to be together...

I need to talk to someone with similar situation, or someone who can help. I have friends, they all saying - no man will ever love your kids like his, and the man who never had them and never wanted ether. I undestand that, but I love him so much, it hurts to think that we need to finish this...

I appreciate any advice or coments.
Inna

How dare you try and tell him how to spend his money if you are just dating and not living together. He spends money on going out because that involves him and his pleasure also.

He may even buy gifts and the such because he wants to.

When he starts paying your bills or giving you money it changes the situation and the level of the dating, and 6 months is very little time in the life of a relationship.

Next at 56 and with no kids, he will not have, or most likely ever had any idea how to act and be in a relationship with kids.

Next how old are the "girls" they could be in their 20s or in their 10's.

As for the kdis, you are in a relationship for YOU not for them, when they are grown and move out, it is you and no one or you and someone for the rest of the time.. And when they start dating, they will not care your opinon of that person, and would not stop merely because you said so either.

But first it sounds like you need to back off a bit and learn to live and be OK on your own,

I would say trust your instincts. If he's not making you feel loved, then there's a very high chance that he doesn't really love you.

Actions speak louder than words. Though he may say that he adores you, it doesn't mean he really does if he can't own up to his words.

If he's not giving what you want in a relationship, then you're better off going your separate ways instead of wasting each other's time.

Hi and thax to all of you.
First of all I didn't just decided to tell HIM how he should be spending his money on. It was in text messeging conversation, and went like cry for help, only because when he stays at my place, we have not enough rooms and beds even. We live in two bedroom apartment. My middle girl who is 16 and half sleeps in small bedroom, and me and my yougest sharing big bedroom and kings size bed. That's all I have. It happened long time ago when my youngest girl who is 12 and half, has panic attacs was betetr sleeping with me than on her own. And I was singl efor the last 10 years, so it wasn't aproblem. Also my ex parntner was stalking and harassing me for 7-8 years since we split up , and affected the yougest. Now she is a bit betetr, and now I met this about whom I wrote earlier. Am standing on my feet, I perefctly undestand that I can not expect a new man to pay my bills. H ealso constantly telling me he have no money, but carrtying on his extravagant life stile and yes paying lots when we out. I have pride. I know its too eaARLY FOR Committed Relationship. May be because am from Russia originally, I didn't realise whe I softly mention to HIm about helping me to buy a sofa bed even second hand for the living room, he lashed out. And this bed I wanted for him, to be comfortable when he stays over, slept for sometime on the small sizes folding guest bed, get unhappy about that, demanding I will sort girls sleeping aarrngment differently in order for him sleep with me. We have eplenty of time when we on our own, but he got caprissiouys and demanding without even thinking that he coud buy something for himself and me when he stayes over. Am I wrong
Again?

Best not to even suggest how he spends his money, even if you were thinking of his comfort at your home. He has no business telling you to sort out your daughters' sleeping arrangements so that he can sleep with you.

I think you both are moving too fast on this as it appears he is only interested in dating but having the benefits of being able to sleep with you at the same time.

You are both old enough, and have lived on your own long enough, that it can be difficult to combine your two styles of living and your expectations.

Maybe sit down with him and discuss where the relationship is going. Are you both happy with just dating? Might there be a possibility of living together later on once you get to know each other better?

I would put on the brakes... each of you stay at your own homes for now... spend more time going out together and occasionally with your daughters as well, so that all of you can get to know each other better before anyone is making suggestions on who should be doing what.

We actually sat dawn and talked little bit about us an dwhere relationship going. He said, he got scared at xmass time after 7 month together, realaising that he took a FAMILY ON... he never used to chidren, lived for himself mostly, worked as a builder, now gardener, but is very fond of designer shops ( on the sale)and best posh food shop Waitros. He confesse dhe is sefish in lots of ways, used to his ways and finding its very hard and sterssfull to be with my kids. Its so starnge because my girls showed him they like him, always polite and knows how much I love him. After this talk, wich made me upset and emotional, I ask him what he want to do to stop us seeing each otHER ? He said NO, HE WANT TO MAKE ME HAPPY, HE LOVES ME SO SO MUCH, BUT NOT SURE HE CAN GIVE ME WHAT I NEED AND WHAT I WANT..
I KNOW WE BOTH MOVED TOO FAST. I WAS ASKING HIM IN THE BEGINNING TO TAKE THINGS SLOW, VERY SLOW, HE WAS SAYING YES, BUT WE WENT WITH A FLOW, FALL IN LOVE LIKE TEENAGERS, LIKE EACH OTHER, VERY Compatible IN BED, AND VERY SIMILAR Sense OF HUMOR. I Don't KNOW WHT TO DO NOW. DO YOU THINK HE BACKED OF GETTING SCARED OF COMMITMENTS, BUT Doesn't Won't TO LOOSE A GOOD LOVER FOR HIM ? AM HEART BROKEN, I THOUGH HE IS THE ONE...

Its been 6months--So he adores you, wants to spend time with you---but Hello--he has never been married. Pretty good sign he will never want to be married.

You should never ask him for money to pay your bills. Sorry, if he cannot tell after 6months that you are struggling and doesn't offer, then right there is a good sign that he doesn't want more then what you already have.

He just wants a companion to out with and sleep with, if you want more you will need to find someone else.

He very well may be "the one", but just needs more time. Try not to look into the future too far.

Enjoy your time together, let him get to know your girls without feeling as though he has taken a family on, as he hasn't really. Your comment may have made him think you were expecting more from him than he is ready for.

It may help him to not feel that way so much if you spend more time just the two of you and only occasionally invite the girls to go out with you, or have him over for dinner now and then. That will let the two of you get to know each other even more, and he will gradually get to know the girls more.

Yes, he may only want to enjoy his time with you, have a good lover, and not have any strings attached with the responsibility. If you take things slowly you will likely be able to determine that before too long. If you are looking for someone to settle down with and have more of a commitment, you may find he is just not ready for that. Time will tell and you will know whether to keep seeing him, or to move on if you feel it just isn't going to be the kind of relationship you might want.

Well, think about it. He's never had children and suddenly he is in the middle of a rather large family that has to be shuffled around so that everyone can be comfortable in a fairly small house. He's used to taking care of himself and spending money on himself, with no thought for anyone else. Not that he is selfish. His life style is very opposite yours. Adjustments must be made by both of you (especially him). He's probably a bit (a lot?) scared.

I wouldn't give up just yet if I were you.

What DO you want?

No no no, I wrote earlier - He was married for 13 years to his wife, and they divorsed now for 5 years but before her he was in the relationship with his another girlfriens for 20 years, but never had kids with anyone. He now friends with his girlfriend and exwife! They all on the good terms. His exwife left him for younger guy,and still lives with that guy. She is doing my boyfriens acccount books, because he is dyslexic... First girlfriend moved to Izrael, and he is going there evry year for two weeks holiday, she is also coming twice a year and satys at his place. He is swearing they all just friends and there is no sexual connection for 18 years with exgirlfriend and for 5 years and even more with exwife.
I do believe about his exwife because he said I can meet her if I wish, but I have nagging feeling about his ex girlfirend, but I do trust him deep dawn. Oh my god am 49, he is 56, but still the same heart breaking issues lol

Thank you all and specialy DoulalC and Wandergirl for you realxed,nonjygmental asnwers. I was reading it and agreeing - I do feel the same.

I do want more committed relationship idealy, but of course would not want to move in together all of us with the guy I know for 7 month. My girls 12 and 16, got another 6 -8 years to grow before they mooved out ( may be longer oh god help lol) I . I made looots of mistakes and wrong moves all my life, but have lernt uswell I believe.

I was telling my new guy all the time when we started,please slow slow slow, but he was on the high behaving like crazy teenager saying : WE NEED TO SHOW THE GIRLS THAT AM SERIOUS, THAT AM COMING REGULARY, I WANT THEM TO GET TO KNOW ME TO USE TO ME AN DLIKE ME. I told him girls don't need a new father or parent, you need to bee their friend and the guy who recpect and loves their mother. But he was a bit pushy and forsfull, even when I was telling him, I can't see him next weekend, I want to see my friends, and just need time for myself with a girls, he was getting very sensetive and upset, like I pushing him away... and how he I believe dragged himself to the state when he got scared of commitment an dtaking the family on.
We live 1hour 30 min drive apart. AM not driver and haven't got a car. He does all the driving. He got tired a bit now off driving and asking me to jump on the train and come to his ( on my own ofcorse , when my youngest with her dad, and 16 year old with friends or happy to be on her own) I don't mind to go by train , am notr spiolt person, I like trains and buses, but I have to be very hornest with you all - the train fees £15 it's a lot to me at the moment. Am paying debs back, my ex doesn't help me at all. Sometimes I have last £20 in my purse, and if I spend it on the train fees - I might not give the girls small money for school lunch or soething. After all how can I talk to my new guy , that if he help at list paying for my train fees to his place, I will appreciate that. Its embarrsing I know, but it is how it is. I don't want it to look like am sponging the guy for everything. Am I wrong? I know he will pay for dinners and flowers, and sexy underwear, and me paying for my train to his place it's a tiny bit I have eto do myself, BUT I AM A BROKE AT THE MOMENT!! LoL C
CANT WAIT FOR ALL YOUR ANSWERS.

Inna62,

You need to just stand up and tell him that you just cannot afford train fare. He will either offer to purchase the ticket or not. If not then I would keep my backside to home--period.

I would NOT let him FORCE his presence on my children!! This is your family home, NOT his. If you make a choice to have him over with your children present then be all means do so, because you have chosen too!!

Your children will either like him for the man he is or not, it doesn't matter how much time he spends with them. YOu might want to sit down and explain quality over quantity!!

Of course he has no children, so he doesn't really know what steps to take, so he maybe over compensating for not knowing what to do!!

Just sit down and set up some boundries with this man of yours, but beware those boundries go both ways!!

I wish you the very best!!

I don't think either of you can be faulted for where you've ended up. It was inevitable that, like all relationships, the initial euphoria eventually wears off, and reality sets in. Sometimes it is an easy transition into eachother's lives, sometimes, what one or the other thinks they want, turns out to be something that they cannot handle.

There is no fault here. Only reality.

I understand your thinking about spending lavishly going out, when you struggle to put food on the table. I also understand you're probably thinking if the two of you went out less, you could provide meals at home. He gets a home cooked meal, you enjoy his company. He kicks in for the steaks, it's a win win.

You come as a package deal. You have children, and they are your priority, and responsibility. While he thought in the beginning that he could become a good partner to you and a father figure to them, he is hesitating, and retreating a bit, because he is not sure he can accept the entire package. While he may prefer just you, he realizes that you come with children. It just might not be what he can comfortably adjust to.

That he has never had children, is not the problem. Many who have never had children, both men and women, have very successful relationships all the way around, not only with children, but extended family members too. They jump right into accepting and adjusting to family life, with no experience being a parent, and love every minute of it.

This may be something that your boyfriend needs time to adjust to, and make up his own mind, what he wants. It is a tremendous responsibility to include your children, along with a relationship with you. And it is understandable if he chooses to end the relationship with you.

All you can do is to continue, for now, to get to know this man, without any pressure. Maybe go a little slower, give him room to breathe. Try building upon a mutually comfortable arrangement with him, even if it means accepting him as he is, and allow him time to adjust.

I would personally not have him sleeping over after such a short time of dating him, this is confusing for children in the home. If you want a weekend at his house, make arrangements for care for your children, and go. Asking him to help you buy another bed so he can stay at your place, is too much, too soon.

It may very well be that he will decide not to pursue a relationship with you. And realize that that could happen whether you have children or not. Time and a little space, and communication with him to clear the air right now, is probably your best bet.

Jake 2008 thank you very very very much. Its very clever and thoughfull answer. YOu made my day. Thanks xxx

I'm glad to hear that inna, hope it all works out for you.