Hello people.

All right so this is it, my ex and I had been together for 3 years and 11 months.
Just before we started dating she had just dumped her boyfriend for being an *******, like 2 weeks before me meeting her. Our relationship has had up's and downs. But I believed us to be very much in love, and so did she. We were talking about getting a bigger condo, even took out a loan for it, and wanted to aqquire a little dog, (tyson- we even named him). I just lost my job which I had for 5 months after being unemplyoed for 1½ year. I'm a lazy dude, who needs to be told to help around the house, which of course I agree with.

In the beginning of the relationship everything was good, but because of some event's I got unsecure and started to be bossy about her going out, and was jealous. That we worked through and got over.

She just a few months back started going to school again, and a few days before christmas she tells me she can't do this anymore, and want's to move out, I convince her to give me a chance because I can change, the reason's she gave me was that I didn't do enough around the house. So I did change and few days back she tells me that she wants to move out. I convince her to to stay with me while we live apart from each other. And I felt that I forced that decision on her, so I wanted her honest opinion and talked her into us breaking up because I thought that, that was truly what she wanted to do in the beginning.

That was very hard and I cried non-stop for 2 days. Leading us up to another talk. That we would be apart. And we could try dating again after about 3 months time! And I feel at an ease, because that means there's still hope, but if it isent meant to be, it won't be so hard in 3 month's time. It's wonderful, I don't feel sad, we're happy about breaking up, because maybe that's what the relationship needs. To get our act together and see if it's really meant to be us.

Another talk comes along because I have like a gazillion questions, if I don't know something I MUST find out.

I asked her; Honey, can you please tell me the god honest truth about why you don't want to be with me, I don't care what you tell me I just need to know, and the reason why I'm asking you again is because I feel like I have been putting words in your mouth (which I had). She says it's because the relationship is boring and it's the same thing day in and day out. We don't have a lot of money atm so we can't do everything we want to do. And I agree it is, but I was thinking better time's will come along, so we just have to stick it out, until it get's better.
Then I ask her; all right good thanks for your honesty, now is there anything else?

She takes a long pause, and gives me the time to say 3-4 times is there anything else?
And it looks like she's just about to say something, her eyes get abit wet, not much but a little, she's looking very serious and then after I asked her the final time she say's no there isent.

And I don't believe her, not even for a second, because I know her - and there's something wrong.

Now what could that be, and personally I think it's some exciting dude in her new class!
I can feel it in my gut - it's the only thing I can think off! Because she's already told that she doesent love me anymore, and everything I do piss her off. And stuff like that, so that's the only thing I can think off.

Now help me, I don't know if I want her back. I just know I love her, but I don't want to be with someone that may or may not love me, leave because it get's boring or tough for a time, or getting the groove on with another dude.

BUT I might be wrong, maybe something she really needs to sort out. The main reason she has given me all along is that she needs to be herself. And the life she has isent enough she feels like a prisoner getting denied to enjoy her life. I'm not grasping for straws I just really really want to know what's going on should I pursue Her and I(us) does she needs a breather or is it something else, is she utterly through with me? Or is she letting me down easy? If that's the case I can let her go - it won't be easy but it's possible(atleast I hope it is).

So for all the brigt and dedicated readers, can you offer me any clue on what I have written today? Is it on for a second time, the love just isent there anymore, or is she fooling around with someone else?

Maybe she is just tired of your lazy ways, and feels trapped, and feels this is going no where.

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she's already told that she doesn't love me anymore, and everything I do piss her off. And stuff like that, so that's the only thing I can think off.

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It doesn't have to be another guy at all, just her feelings for you may have changed is all, and she hasn't figured out how she can get out of this painlessly for either of you. I really don't know, since this lasted almost 4 years. But I would bet she expects more from you than you have put forth, as 4 years is a long time to be with someone that hasn't worked hard for a future, or at least a common plan for one. Doesn't sound like the plan is that solid for her future security at all. Yours either for that matter.

How old are you both and what future plans are there? I mean you seem okay coasting along, but I think she wants more than a dog for the future.

Harsh answer, but I appreciate it.

I'd like for you to take in to consideration that every little event that caused this, isent written down in my question.

I'm 25 years old, an educated blacksmith.
She's 21 years old, and studying to educator, who takes care of kids.

Well the plans used to be, first up we need to get an stable life then we could plan marriage, kids and so on. I mean, there's no point getting a kid into the world if we can't afford it. I plan ahead but things need to be in order first. If I was able to keep a steady job, I would have already popped the question, and 6 months ago, I'm certain she would have said yes.

I am in love with her, but right now I'm scared, I'm confused and I'm frustrated in I don't know what the hell is going on. And I'll DO ANYTHING to make it work, the problem is I didn't notice she was unhappy, because there were no signs up until a few days before she said she couldent be us anymore.

I love her, and she loved me, but if something was wrong, I can't react on it if I don't know about it.
Because if I knew, if I really knew something was making her unhappy I would make sure to change it in a heartbeat. I'm not a bad guy - I don't want this to end - I just don't know what to do.


I am working hard for a future, and I was - but jobs are really hard to get where I'm from. 1/2 of the people I graduated with is without job..

My gut is telling me that she needs something more solid, and committed, than what you have shown, and if after 4 years you can't talk, and listen to your female, and get what's on her mind, then that's a red flag that someone may not be paying attention to well.

From 17 to 21 is a very big change in maturity, outlook, and expectations, and also a very long time to be with someone, and not have a lot of feelings of accomplishment, or hope.

Maybe you are not setting the right example, or the right pace, or both, and then some, but for sure at this time, there is a lack of communications that doesn't help a whole lot. I don't know guy, maybe you are asking the wrong questions, or she is starting to get ideas that don't include you, because seems she IS shutting you out.

I was going to say, I'm not sure you understand the whole situation - and honest I don't think you do, what you write seems far fetched on what little detail you have.

BUT, something tells me that you indeed know what your talking about. The relationship is going to end.
But what should I tell her, I'd like to be with her - I'd like to work hard on our relationship. I want her to feel comfortable, I want her to have all that she want's but I would prefer it to be with me.

So what can I tell her? I can't seem to find the right questions to ask. What do you propose I say then?

Oh and another things, might sound like I'm defensive, maybe true.

But there's two in a relationship - to make it work, so first off, it came out of the blue how the hell am I supposed to react.

I displayed my flaws in the questions so people wouldent post a response from a 1 sided perspective. I wanted to get as much in as I can, but a lot is left out. I feel as though your attacking me, and your not one for trying to fix something or offer a solution. I've researched some of your answers to other post. None of them is positive. The response is always cut and run. Don't you believe in making things work?

Something I can add. What she want's is to go drinking every weekend, with or without me, with her class then it's without me, not allowed with - each time she get's asked to go somewhere, it's her and her alone, when it's me I always make sure she can come along before we accept. If at some point she want's to go home early, I tag along, if it's the other way around I have to wait until she want's to go home.
She is not very nice towards me anymore, not since I lost my job. In the beginning of the relationship I provided for her until she could contribute like I did.

As you say my lack of involment. Its merely around the housework - and I changed that, and would continue to I just didn't pay attention to it. That hardly makes me the guy you sound like you think I am.
I'm willing to put effort into it, and has always been willing to put effort into the relationship, but I can't react on something she doesent tell me. She has always been a hard gal to get answers out of no matter what the subject is, just isent in her nature!

When there is a lack of communications my friend it leads to conflicts that go unresolved, or partners that grow apart. Its pretty simple, and since you cannot supply any info on her wants and needs then what can one assume? You don't know, or don't want to tell.

Sorry you find me harsh, but just trying to be direct, and get feedback, so don't be so sensitive. For sure 99% of the relationship posts are about already broken relationships and my advice is always about healing. Very few come here to this site before a break up, or when things are going just great, and you do well to read more of my posts as my main advice is how YOU (the OP) deals with what reality has thrown at you, and if you want tricks and strategies to make the bad go away then there are sites that have a abundance of suggestions.

As to your situation, just to be clear, for a young couple you have already been together long enough to damn near read each others moods, feelings, and attitudes and it should be obvious she has changed and grown and that requires adjustments by you both, if you BOTH are willing to be honest and communicate to resolve your issues to the benefit of you both.

That doesn't seem to be happening and while I understand you expect of her what you did, it seldom happens that way.

Instead of waiting, and wondering, you sit her down, and tell her the plan, but let me just point out, that telling a female she has to wait until you get your ducks in a row before any plan can take place, and its already been 4 years is a losing, hopeless, proposition for you. That's a hard sell since you have no employment, and therefore nothing solid to build on. Add to that that she is getting solid, of course because of your support, she wants to see a lot more than what she does, and has become frustrated, as we all do, or would be, in the same situation.

I don't think she cares at all that half the people you know are in the same boat, because all she cares about is her boat. Now you can hem, and haw, and be defensive about how harsh I am, or like, or don't like my advice, but you better heed what I say when I tell you to see this from her view, consider what she may be feeling, and CONFIRM IT, by some honest communications. If nothing else to give reassurance, hopefully with some facts she can hang onto, NOT empty words, and promises.

Guy its very easy to enjoy the good times when the are happening, but the trick of any relationship is defined by how you get through the bad times, and the hardships together. If what you have built is not strong enough to weather the storms, it will fall apart under the stress, and pressure.

All you can do is your best, and hope they are willing to appreciate it. Frankly I cannot predict what will happen, no one can, so its up to you to try and tell your female what you expect, and then let her decide for herself what she wants to do about it. If you cannot talk and listen, then leave her alone, because without her being willing to talk sir, little can be accomplished other than conflict. So I hope you have a solid plan of action that you are pursuing, because if all you have are excuses, then she will hardly hold still for that, but You can try at least agreeing on a specific time limit, IF she hasn't already decided on her OWN plan. Talk to her, and see.

Just a suggestion on the unemployment, if you can get something outside your field of interest, or previous training, DO IT. If you can be retrained in something that IS hiring, DO IT!!! If all she sees is you doing nothing but putzing with friends, and video games, most females have resentments, and that's not good. She already has clammed up on you, and that's more than a hint she ain't happy. If her man don't know what to do about it, he ain't going to be her man for long, for sure.

And before you get all defensive, just tell us what you do all day without a job, for how many months??

Ive asked the to write me a letter, in which she should tell me what was wrong, what she expected - and where she felt she was let down. She didn't shut up like a clam - she just never we're good at telling what's what.

Now this is something I can actually use from you. You offer solutions, things I can take into consideration instead of your lazy, cut and run. That to me isn't very helpful this is.

Our goal for the moment is to get our lifes in order separate, and in 3 months time we could try casual dating again and see if it leads anywhere, no promises have been made.

I have never blamed her of anything I knew it was because of me, never said otherwise - but that last talk I had with her where she paused while I was asking if there was anything else, made me wonder.

By the way, I thought the whole thing about going defensive is that something is a miss, you just don't want to come to terms with it.

I spend a year doing little to nothing, after 6 months of job hunting barely even getting a reply I felt as though it was just pointless seeking jobs through normal means. Basically I gave up.

Now, what she tells me is that she's hoping to find another apartment where she can be herself with no strings attached - she feel's as though she have never been able to be herself, and I agree on that. With her mother dying while she was a little girl she took over the job of being a mom, with the household work. She was around 11-13 at the time - then off to finding boyfriends who in general weren't that good towards her from what she tells me. And that last one was a royal prick, he never harmed her, but she's always been scared of him!

But what I can't understand is, if someone been together for four years - why not give it a honest try, I am willing to commit to anything within reason. Had the roles been reversed I'd done things differently.

And about reading her moods: that's really really hard, if something bothers her at school it's everything, if she's mad at me, she's mad at everything. I know if she's annoyed, happy, frustrated - but I don't always know what the cause is - and throughout the 4 years, she never did speak about it.

And I think I don't understand it because, if something's bothering me, even the slightest - I want it out, talk it over and then I can go, free from whatever problem that had been troubling me.

4 years is an honest try I think, but as I have said 17 to 21, people can grow up, and change radically. You make a lot of adjustments at that age. Not unusual at all that differences become more apparent when at a pivotal point of growth, and development. Its very hard to see the subtle small things that people are about when you are caught up, and distracted by your own personal issues also. Sometimes our styles are just very different, and sometime we just want change.

I don't know where you are in the world, but here in the States, there is a very big push for the unemployed to be retrained, and sometimes you have to be willing to relocate for better opportunities. Conventional means of job seeking have sorely been tested, and found lacking, but loans, subsidies, an grants are fairly common to get training, and certification, in many areas of the economy, and even online classes are available with job service assistance offered.

You can never give up, not on yourself. Not on your own future, whether she is part of it, or not.

In denmark location isn't the biggest issue, since I'm located somewhere in the middle, and it is indeed a very small country.

But I think it's since she started school also, I mean, 6 months of her evolving where as I'm back at home, well since December 12 I've been at home. And she was heartbroken when the company filed for bankruptcy and she said she feared that it's going to be the same thing again 1½ years is along time to be doing nothing.
In regards of retraining that isent an option - work a job that requires no education is an option. Because retraining doesent pay, I can't afford not to get paid.

I thank you for your concern about me, but I'll always manage. And it's not going to be a life, it's going to be a great life - I would just have preferred to have her tag along beside me.

All right so I've calmed down, the problem is more distant now.

I would like to thank you mr. talaniman, your advice is good, I've just not been able to appreciate it, but reading it again, it makes sense - I just felt attacked :)

Thank you very much.

You are welcome, sorry for my aggressive approach.

No worries, I guess I was in a fragile state of mind, once again - Thank you very much :)