OK guys, so I've been dating this girl for about 6 months now, and it has been great. But throughout this whole time, her ex-boyfriend was in the picture. Now I was ignoring it at the past.. in the past month or so it has been really annoying for me.. and I talked to her about how I don't want to her to talk to him.. because he is one of those people who calls like 10000 times till you pick up. And he acts all innocent. So when I talked to her.. at first, she doesn't want to because she doesn't think it's a big deal.. but they she agrees to stop after a long talk. However, I find her after a while still like gchatting with him and stuff.. and its really getting on my nerves.. and recently me and her got in a big fight, because she had a skype date with him and I knew about it but never mentioned it.. and I was at her place, then she told me to leave her place to talk to someone.. and when I asked who.. she lied and said someoneelse's name.. and I confronted her with that.. and told her that she has to stop.. and we got into more fights about that.. and just today.. I figured out that she is having skype date and is still lying.. in this skype date.. he says he wants to make it romantic and he flirts and what not. Granted she does not reciprocate the flirting, but she is allowing it.. which really annoys me.. You guys must know that she always tells me that she loves me so much. And that I have to trust her, and that she would never hurt me.. so how should I react? Its really pissing me off. And I don't her to be lying to me.

Well most likely he's purposely doing something that you're not doing any more, or not doing at all. I would suggest a "two can play that game" toward her and call up one your ex's and do the same thing to her to see how she feels about it. She's enjoying that you're acting jealous so if you pretend like you don't care then she'll stop talking to her ex and begin focusing on you to pay attention to her. By the way I'm a female so I can feel what you're going through. She's just calling for attention, she wants something from you, it's you who has to use reverse psychology on her and figure out what's bothering her.

Telling her who she can and can't talk to can be seen as overstepping the line. However, it is not unusual that it would bother you to have her talking to an ex-boyfriend, especially when you know he is flirting with her, and when she knows it bothers you and she has said she would stop a couple of times.

She obviously enjoys the attention from him and likes talking to him. You are in a position now that you will have to decide whether this is something you can accept as it doesn't appear she is going to stop.

She says she loves you so much, that you have to trust her, and that she would never hurt you, but she is hurting you.

It may be that you will have to end the relationship and find someone who is not still involved with their ex or continue to date her if you have fun together, but keep it casual and not exclusive.

Lousy.

I wouldn't accept her behavior either. It's something a kid does. She loves the attention which is why she has these silly Skype dates with her ex, and she'll hang her relationship in the balance just to get her kicks. It's very selfish, and then she plunges the dagger by lying about it.

You have already expressed your disapproval and it had no affect on her. The next step is to either leave her, or tell her you will leave her if she slips again, but you have to truly mean it. 'Cause I'm wondering if she really loves you or just loves the attention you give her.

Hey Guys, might I add. Her ex is actually in another country. So I do not know what that means and according to her.. she says that she is never going to see him again. Plus, she has not dated him for two years. I also want to add something.. I see her everyday.. and I'm always with her. So I don't know. I have almost stopped most of my hobbies just to be around her.. even though she doesn't ask of me. We had a fight this morning too, because she said that I'm going a little crazy.. which when I thought about it.. I was like maybe I am. I have lots of things that I do. I'm a computer science major, I play guitar, I play basketball for my college team, I draw. I have lots of things that I do and enjoy. For some reason, my mind always wants me to be around her. I'm losing motivation to do other things. I really have such issues with myself and I Want to fix it, only I do not know how? HELP!. I'm 21 and she is 24. I don't want to be like that.

Ohh and I also. You guys should know that she is the first girlfriend I ever had. I'm not her first though.

That brings some more light onto the situation. Maybe you are so wrapped up in her, and being with her, that you are perceiving her interaction with her ex as a threat to her involvement with you.

She obviously still considers him a friend and enjoys her interactions with him. Would it make any difference if she were to talk to him less often?

You're still in the same dilemma however. She was not honest about stopping her talking with him, you don't appreciate the fact that he flirts with her, even though she does not reciprocate, and you are not comfortable that she continues to interact with him.

Personally, I would be more bothered by the fact of being lied to. She doesn't seem ready to be in an exclusive relationship if she is still that involved with a passed one.

Maybe try to back off a bit, give her some space, get back involved in the other things you enjoy doing. With you both having more time to yourselves, your focus being on other things, you may not be bothered as much when you take in how much time you spend together, the fun you have together, etc. It's still a new relationship and you are still getting to know each other.

If, after some time, you are still bothered by the situation, and she chooses not to stop interacting with him, you may have to stop seeing her exclusively and get to know some other people as well.

Some people are fine with the person they are seeing continuing to have exchanges with passed relationships. Other people do not like that the interaction continues.
Neither is right or wrong; the problem comes in when both people are not on the same page with it.

Get your nose out of her business, and back into yours, as you have no rights after 6 months to tell someone to change their life around to stroke your insecure ego. Sorry guy, but I would lie to you too! No I wouldn't, I would dump you first. That's what she should do instead of lie, so get back to your life, and stop worrying about competition from someone that's not even there. Acting as you do is a good way to get dumped, and she would be justified, because its nerve racking being with a bossy insecure boyfriend.

Ouch! That's a little harsh, don't you think? I asked for help.. not abomination. Go a little easy. You are taking it too personal. Calm down.

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Originally Posted by zoulation

. . .I see her everyday, and I'm always with her. . . I have almost stopped most of my hobbies just to be around her even though she doesn't ask of me. . . she is the first girlfriend I ever had. I'm not her first though.

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Well this explains a lot.

Sacrificing your interests for the sake of a relationship is never a good decision. You need to have a life separate from her to keep your individuality, which is why she dated you in the first place.

I see her behavior as reactionary to your behavior. If you had given her some space to begin with, she would have never done these things. This is one of those times when you need to put yourself in her shoes and try to imagine how you would react if she was hovering over you 24 hours a day.

There are many things to think about here. My feeling is that mostly it comes down to a matter of respect or disrespect. Yes, everyone may have a little jealousy or insecurity, but that is not the point. What is important, if there is a clear understanding of exclusivity, is that communications with "friends" of the opposite sex, especially with exes, be not only transparent, honest and forthright(not having to ask) to the current partner, but respectful as well. Part of the confusion is the difference, and often painful difference, between exclusivity and commitment. It is impossible not to feel, under the described circumstances, that someone is not juggling, keeping someone one the side, or back burner, for future possibility, or simply that they think about love differently than you. (I happen to think it takes years to get over any real love or relationship, and bringing an ex into a new relationship without a long cooling period, which is time in the heart, and not in the calendar, for them to clearly and distinctly let go and move on, not matter how clear you think you are, or how much you believe you and your ex are true friends, is asking for trouble and denying a fundamental truth about friends who have become more, no matter how briefly.) This is painful but belongs to the rights of commitment, and not exclusivity. Someone can really love you in a profound way, but for whatever reason, be keeping the door open to other possibilities in their heart and life. Unless agreed otherwise, this is their right and their freedom, which must be respected. It is also your right to choose whether you want to be in that situation, which also must be respected. Ultimately how far someone goes, on the continuum from flirting to an affair, is not the point either. In the most profound sense, it is the same, not as to how you should react or overreact to it, but as to where you hold your heart, and keep wise counsel with your own heart. You may have love, but not commitment. Most people do not understand that commitment is not only a promise, but a capability, born in character, maturity, and deeply held values. It becomes a matter of integrity in the deepest sense of the word.

So if you find yourself in a love relationship without true commitment, you must ask yourself, is that what you want, and what your partner wants, how long you are willing to wait for it, or work at developing it, and how you develop mutual respect along the way. Ultimately, love, and relationship, is a choice, an intention, and a clear understanding or agreement. That is not to say, assuming everyone has clear intentions, that you should not be supportive of your partner in coming to a clear and respectful closure with their ex, which may be a lunch and a few phone calls. It is not the nature of the human heart between the sexes to move easily from love to friendship, even half a life time or more. If you find this turning from a few weeks into a few months, or reappearing six or twelve months down the road, you may not be in the emotionally monogamous relationship that you hoped for. Temporary flirting may be overlooked, but persistent or deeper flirting may indicate deeper problems, or at a minimum, a difference in love styles, or our own familial or cultural understanding of love, commitment, and monogamy. It seems the ultimate and challenging trust to allow a partner to mature an ongoing real friendship with an ex because it calls into question notions of emotional intimacy and trust, and therefore a lot to ask a partner, especially in the first one or two years of relationship. Always be a gentleman, or a lady, as we are all frail and imperfect, and even lying, an offense against the soul, sometimes must be managed or worked through. The greatest love and challenge, in real love between two human beings, is to be fair, respectful, but clear and strong, in matters of confusion of the heart. More often than not what is assumed to nor require clear articulation and agreement, does.

I'm in a similar situation and I left my girlfriend. She lies too much. I really had to investigate to find out that she's in touch with her ex and possibly other guys. She would never tell me the truth which made me lose total confidence in her. What I feel is strange is that she always tells me how much she loves me and that she will do everything to behave so it doesn't jeopardize confidence. Then I find out she would still hide and lie about seeing other people and I suppose it's not only friend since she needs to lie about it (again she will never admit that she cheated me). That's why I left her. So right now it's been a couple weeks we broke up (I moved away for work it's been 3 months so it's easier to stay away) and she tried to work things out but now she's mad at me telling I'm the bad guy then probably in a couple days she will try and be nice etc. For myself I'm slowly moving on, and at the same time I wonder what she's going to do. I feel if she moves on easily, I did the right thing. If she keeps on trying to win me back maybe she's just made errors that she will have to live with because bottom line I find it's not acceptable what she did to me cheating or not. She gave me a hard time for months being dishonest.

I'm having the same thing my girlfriend is friends with all her exs and its never like a skype date but the fact that she even talks to them makes me so uncomfortable like I need to go beat them up and tell them to stay away from my property but I know she's not my property and I just have to trust her but it still hurts. And she too will do anything to make me happy but she still tries to talk to them. Honestly I'm just trying to figure out their intentions if I could just listen to everything these guys say id be happy. >personal info removed< I want to know more about how things are going for you and your girl.