Ask Me Help Desk - I need help getting over him or getting him back

I need help getting over him or getting him back

My (ex)boyfriend and I had been dating for about 16 months. I wouldn't say that it was every healthy after month 2 or 3, but we were so in love. I had problems with being controlling (due to my relationship right before him). I didn't want to let him be basically and I feel that I sufficated him. All I wanted to do was be with him. I figure the first 2 weeks or so its okay because it was 'new' but I just kept it going instead of stopping... Over the time of about a month we had broken up twice (all his choice). The third time which happened about a week ago is causing me to be so depressed. He told me that he's too young and doesn't want to be tied down. He doesn't want to have to call and "check-in". I didn't ask him to "check-in", but I did just want to make sure he was okay. He said that he's not ready for a long relationship and wasn't happy. We did have our happy times but fought a lot over stupid things. We're both stubborn and opioniated. We grew up the same by learning to argue and we were both abused (emotional, physical, etc.) So we clashed a lot...
I want him back and I've gone completely the wrong way about it. Let's just say I've pushed him farther away.. But now that I've learned the mistakes I was making, all I can do is sit at home and listen to music while being extremely depressed. I love him with everything that I have. He is my someone. I've learned and am changing all the things I realize I messed up on and the childish things I did.
What should I do? I'm at the point where I don't know where to turn, where to hide, what to do in general. I want him back, but how do I do that?

Thank you for your time

How about getting over the relationship that had made you so controlling, and instead of a relationship, get a life that you enjoy without having some one else make you happy. Being single you can get yourself together, and work on the control issues and being so needy, both will destroy all your future relationships. Find out how to have fun being single, and being with yourself. Hard to love some one unless you love yourself first. If you need counseling for the abuse issues get it, or find a trusted mature female to talk to. Work on making yourself healthy and happy. The guys can come later.

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Originally Posted by heartache08

My (ex)boyfriend and I had been dating for about 16 months. I wouldnt say that it was every healthy after month 2 or 3, but we were so in love.

Then what’s the point? Let’s be honest. The relationship fizzled and died after 12 weeks. But you didn’t physically leave each other until over a year later.

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Originally Posted by heartache08

I had problems with being controlling (due to my relationship right before him).

So there you have it. This was a rebound relationship. Like normal rebounds they don’t last long and once there done you still left with the same pain. Once the initial butterflies wore off you two fought all the time. Now that you’ve physically left each other you are now stuck dealing with the problems from the first relationship.

You need to change some of those traits now for future relationships. The time that you should have taken a year and half ago needs to take place now.

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Originally Posted by heartache08

I didnt want to let him be basically and I feel that i sufficated him. All i wanted to do was be with him. I figure the first 2 weeks or so its okay because it was 'new' but i just kept it going instead of stopping... Over the time period of about a month we had broken up twice (all his choice). The third time which happened about a week ago is causing me to be so depressed. He told me that he's too young and doesnt want to be tied down. He doesnt want to have to call and "check-in". I didnt ask him to "check-in", but i did just want to make sure he was okay.

Let’s be honest here. You recognize you have this problem and he told that is exactly what he didn’t like about you. Let’s give him the credit for being honest and respecting you enough to tell the truth instead of handing you some lame line.

Now that being said you have some power here in the sense you know this isn’t healthy and you see what it can do to a relationship. So take that knowledge and really apply it to yourself so that you don’t behave this way in the future.

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Originally Posted by heartache08

He said that hes not ready for a long relationship and wasnt happy. We did have our happy times but fought a lot over stupid things.

Who wants that? I’ve had girlfriends like that and I dreaded seeing them. It was actually depressing for me to be around them. If your going to argue about every little thing then that’s a clue to some deeper issues.

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Originally Posted by heartache08

We're both stubborn and opioniated. We grew up the same by learning to argue and we were both abused (emotional, physical, etc.) So we clashed a lot....

Okay look I didn’t have a great childhood either but at some point you got to say I’m old enough to make my own decisions and follow them. If they aren’t good for you then you have to be flexible and change. I’m still working on some things from my childhood but I don’t ever pull that excuse out a reason I can’t do something or a reason why I am the way I am. There are ways to change those behaviors and negative beliefs that your parents/guardians gave you. If your parents were ignorant thank them for giving you life and your sorry there incompetent.

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Originally Posted by heartache08

I want him back and ive gone completely the wrong way about it.

Do you really want him back or do you just want somebody? I think you never gave yourself enough time to get over boyfriend number 1 and now when your faced with nobody you are also faced with the reality of having to deal with the pain of loss.

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Originally Posted by heartache08

Let's just say I've pushed him farther away.. But now that I've learned the mistakes i was making, all i can do is sit at home and listen to music while being extremely depressed.

Well listen to upbeat music. Second get out and exercise. Get a gym membership. If you can’t afford one, go for a walk. That will get you out of the house and moving around. If you don’t have a job, get one. Even part time.

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Originally Posted by heartache08

I love him with everything that I have.

No you don’t. You love him with some of you. Don’t give him more than he deserves.

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Originally Posted by heartache08

He is my someone.

There are 6 billion people on the planet. Three billion of those are guys. You’ve got several someone's. Plus other someone's probably won’t fight as much over little things.

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Originally Posted by heartache08

I've learned and am changing all the things i realize i messed up on and the childish things i did. What should i do?

Back off. He asked for space give it to him.

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Originally Posted by heartache08

I'm at the point where I dont know where to turn, where to hide,

You have nothing to hide from. We’ve all been dumped. We’ve all been in that hurt. It’s not like you’ve done anything wrong. You just got hurt and your confused. Much like when you get hurt doing something else, emotional pain heals.

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Originally Posted by heartache08

what to do in general. I want him back, but how do i do that?

Thank you for your time

Well the truth is I think it’s over. But you need to give him space. One because he asked for it and it shows him you respect what he says. Second, because you need to heal your heart. You need to get him out of your life so you can move forward.