I'm trying to decide whether to take the next step in my two year relationship which is getting very serious (though no kids yet). We are both in our early 30's and the next step would be a proposal.

We have similar values in life, good communication and are loyal to each other. She is the right age, wants kids at the same time as me, she's very intelligent and I respect her.

I've got five major concerns and need to decide whether they are deal-breakers. Some of them are embarrassingly superficial for which I apologize, but hey – it's my list!

1. She doesn't feel sexy, or like role play, costumes and kinky games.
Effect: I get depressed and frustrated when trying to spice things up because she isn't interested. Our sex life gets boring and repetitive. It is important to me because I am kinky by nature but have done little exploration of it. I'm worried about whether I'll feel fulfilled in 20 years, or whether I'll feel like I missed out. Whenever I see a fun, confident, daring woman who knows she's sexy (and loves it) I get envious

2. She doesn't wear skirts and heels. Ever.
Effect: I don't get passionate for her – I'm sure she'd love it if occasionally I screwed her senseless with immense passion. But she's always wearing jeans and running shoes which just don't do it for me so I never get worked up to the point where I have to take her right now!

3. She doesn't have sexy legs and ***.
Effect: When making love it doesn't do anything for me and I sometimes have to work to stay hard. When I see a women with shapely legs and a big, juicy butt I get jealous because my woman just isn't well endowed in that area.

4. She is a worrier and a pessimist.
Effect: Sometimes I get depressed with her pessimism. Occasionally I have felt that she is sucking the fun out me and I wonder if there are other women out there who are more positive and fun to be around.

5. She wants me to be home all the time but my career involves a lot of travel.
I love the travel and chose my career largely because of it. I am very passionate about my career and don't want to give it up or alter it so there is less travel.
Effect: If I continue with my career she will resent me for being away. If I change my career (or alter it so there is less travel) I will eventually resent her for preventing me achieving my goals. I worry that we could end up breaking up over it but by that time there could be kids and house in the mix.

I am looking for advice as to whether these issues would make marriage a bad idea and why. Also suggestions on how to work around the issues themselves.

Am I being silly for letting these little things potentially come between us? Or am I being silly for contemplating marriage when these issues could grind away over time and cause a disaster?

Thanks!

If you're allowing these issues to grind away now already (especially the ones related to your sex life), it will only get worse after marriage.

I vote to break it off and find someone who is more your type.

I wouldn't think of marriage with her because you don't love her enough to accept her the way she is, and eventually you will want to change her, and she may not want the changes you do. Better stick to your career, we know you love that.

Why haven't you talked to her about these concerns? They are not silly if that's what you really want. If you can't talk, then whats all the marriage thinking about? Thats useless, without honest communications.

You say you communicate well, so I have to conclude that you either are wrong about that or she has made it clear that she isn't interested in changing. Most people won't change much no matter what anyway, although I do know women who have spiced up the sex part to save a relationship. Her pessimism isn't going to change and her legs definitely aren't, however.

I don't get this decision about proposing, when you are both in your 30s - plans about children and careers and places to live and homes (and the actual wedding) are usually thoroughly discussed.

You aren't doing her any favors. Her clock is ticking. You talk about respect and loyalty, but don't mention tenderness and love, whatever chemistry if any drew you together.

Some men these days still want the saint and sinner. You have added the third impossible dream, the wayfarer who comes home from all his travels, greets the happy homemaker mom, and go upstairs where she gets kinky. Right.

It sounds like you spend your time looking at other women and wanting your girlfriend to BE them or have what they have, this will NEVER happen because she is who she is, I believe looks are not everything but when we meet our partners there HAS to be that obvious attraction even if its just beautiful eyes or face, what attacted you to her in the first place? For a relationship to work you both need to compromise if your having disagreements other wise the person that does not compromise just festers on the other person and causes resentment, and it sounds as though your already having these feelings, if she can't compromise and maybe dress up in nice clothes once a week or try a little something new in bed then your just going to stay feeling this way, you should open up to her and try compromise, if she can't then I say break it off, you both need to be happy and your not and it won't be faire on either of you to stay in this situation, she needs a man that will love her no matter what and you cant, this doesn't make you a bad person, your human and if the attaction isn't there or the spark then that's no ones fault.

The question itself, "Should I propose, or break it off", seems to be major decisions either way, and what happened to the middle part.

That would seem to be revolving around your sexual needs, and what you see as likely being a problem down the road.

After two years, you are already wondering what your sex life will be like in 20 years. How about working through that 'problem' now, instead of either bailing, or proposing.

And the same thinking follows with all that you are worried about - your career, her possible resentment of you travelling, that she sucks the fun out of you, that she doesn't dress to suit you, nor does she have sexy legs or the butt of your dreams.

Your happiness is not dependent upon her, nor is her happiness dependent upon you. If you cannot accept the superficial shortcomings you see as one of your five major problems, perhaps you should consider HER list, and see where you fall short. Then together, with honest communication, you can get past these possible 'dealbreakers', and find common ground based on more realistic thinking.

It would be a shame in my opinion, if she scores high on your chart in the honesty, integrity, faithfulness and personality aspects, to end the relationship because of the importance you put on your list. And at the same time, if you can look beyond the obvious here, and really consider what really counts in a relationsohip, you will wonder why you put so much importance on running shoes and jeans instead of the quality of the person, and the quality of the relationship itself.

If you are not ready for marriage, don't get married. But, I don't advise you to bail either, based on what you describe as problems with your girlfriend. She too needs to be aware of your 'list', and decide for herself whether she can ever meet your 'standards', and she needs to know how you feel. If the two of you can work equally to address all the issues, including hers, you may just find that what you thought were important 'deal breakers', were really minor, or, she may find that she is not willing to compromise to meet all your needs.

Either way, the two of you have to put the cards on the table, and allow each to make their own decision as to whether remain together, or go your separate ways. She at least deserves to know how you really feel.

I won't advice you to propose either. If I was going to, your list would look like this :

1. She doesn't feel sexy, or like role play, costumes and kinky games. But we find a way to spice up our sex life every now and then, and I like it.

2. She doesn't wear skirts and heels. Ever. But she looks just as sexy in jeans and an old shirt.

3. She doesn't have sexy legs and ***. But the rest of her body is enough to drive me crazy.

4. She is a worrier and a pessimist. But I can cheer her up anytime.

5. She wants me to be home all the time but my career involves a lot of travel. We talk about solutions, I love my carreer but I feel like it's time to settle so I might be home more often soon.

I believe sex is very important in a relationship too. And sometimes I can be quite shallow. I dated models, dancers, incredibly good looking guys and when I met my current boyfriend, I was worried him being chubby would have a negative effect on our sex life. Now when I look at him, I find his belly sexy and I love his love handles. The same way, he tells me I'm "hot" in my sweat pants. I don't know if it makes sense to you.

Thank god, sex isn't just about having a nice *** and legs, or kinky games, for a many people at least. Of course you can spice it up when you need it, but if you're wondering if it's a dealbreaker, even thinking about it, try to imagine what it will be like 10 years down the road, at 40, possibly after having kids.

"I will eventually resent her for preventing me achieving my goals."
Just this, right there, should be enough for you to make a decision. You can still have the life you want with someone else you won't ever say these things about and she can be with someone who will share the same sex drive and tastes as her, and thinks she has the sexiest legs in the world.

We all expect the person we are with to be the way we imagined. Sometimes they change, sometimes we adjust. If you don't think any of it is going to happen anytime soon, then I think you owe her an honest dicussion... and an ending if necessary.