Ask Me Help Desk - Please help

Hi everyone.

I don't know if I am at right place to seek advice.

I don't know where to start from, to explain my issue. So I writing every thing in detail. Sorry for the long long story.

OK. I am 24 yr old Hindu gal and the guy I have issue with is 21 yr old Malayali Christian.

In 2006, I started a part-time student job at a restaurant as front staff. Then this guy started working at the same place in 2007 as part-time student too. In the beginning we were like just friendly to each other sometimes jokes, arguments, teasing each other etc. Then after a year and a half or so, he changed his attitude towards me like talking less, showing kindness, sometimes smiling sometimes staring and sometimes serious. Then one day while I was just talking with one of his friend who is also my co-worker slipped out of his mouth that this guy has crush on me. I just heard it and went away from there. I didn't take it seriously. He must have thought I didn't hear it. Then the same attitude was continued.

Then I went to india for a month for vacation. When I came back from india, I noticed some kind of happiness on his face when we saw each other. Even myself . I don't know why. And he continued the same attitude again. Yet I was behaving normally with him as I used to. Then he started staring at me sometimes from outside the store through a glass window where he used to park his car at distance in a parking lot right across the window, whenever I had a shift to work and he doesn't. Days passed away like that.

Sometimes we used to have shift at different days and different timings. At those times I started having this strange feeling. Like I used to miss him, eager to see him. When I see him I used to be happy. And sometimes when we used to work together, I used to ask him for help for silly things. But, Still we didn't communicate with each other that much.

Then in 2009 beginning of the summer, I got admission from a university(which is very far away from that place) to start from September. So I informed my manager about it that I have to quit the job in two months. Somehow everyone came to knew about it including him. Then I noticed he seemed upset. He didn't try to show it but I read his face. Everyone were asking questions about me leaving but he didn't. He started taking night shifts and I used to hardly see him. Then on the last day of my job, everyone came to the workplace to say me bye even his friends and he didn't. I was looking over all my shift if he comes and says bye to me. He didn't. My shift was over , my dad came to pick me up. And as I stepped outside, what I see is, he sitting in his car next to my dads car, just seeing me leaving. That last eye contact continuously for like a min was extremely painful for me. I couldn't speak to him because my dad was next to me.

Now at present since I have come here so far. Its been a more than a year and, I keep thinking of him always, dream of him. But I can't contact him neither can he as I don't know his phone no. I can't even go and meet him as I live so far now.

At one side I need him but at the same time I didn't want to fall in this pit as :-
1)first of all, if I think ahead, our relationship will not be accepted at all by my parents because of age difference and different religion.
2)I don't know if he still likes me or not and if he does is it more than just a crush or not?
3) I have no clue where to start from to know about this. I don't know if he is still working there or not.
4) I had this thought in my mind that even if I accept him now, it will be fine for sometime because we will be together as wanted. But, later on, when it is time to tell our parents abouts us, they won't accept it. And the pain that it will give of falling apart will be more painful than it is right now.

But now I am helpless. Why I keep thinking of him, dreaming of him? I feel like something is dragging me.

Please give me suggestions.

You have built quite a fantasy on looks, stares, feelings, and assumptions. This is what great romantic novels are about. But there is not one shred of evidence, or facts, to pin any hopes on. Now you can keep dreaming all you want, but until he swims an ocean, or lassos the moon, stop making this more than what it is.

A females flight of fancy, because neither of you made a move, so you may never know what could have been. Feels good though doesn't it. Fantasies are like that. Full of wonder and hope. But we wake up to reality, at least enough to get a life.

From my experience, if a relationship (if that's what it is), takes this much mental energy when you're not together, just think how much it would take if you were together. You're not even close to being on the same page! I'm sorry you're hurting, but if there is very little or no communication, I would say to focus your energy on yourself and move on. One-sided love is literally heart-breaking. It will take some time, but you will soon realize that you are much better by yourself than with someone who plays games with you. Hang in there and take care!

Hi thanq for your advice but how can you say that he is playing games with me?

Your age diffrence or religion wnt be an issue if u guys really really love each other.. is it really possible for you guys to meet now?if it is then why not make the move instead givinq yourself heartaches

He's playing games by physically teasing you (with weird eye contact, etc.) and is apparently not able to communicate verbally with you very much. If he was looking at you like you describe and not saying anything, that's playing games.

Fact is you have no clue what his looks mean, but you do know he said, and did nothing, for reasons you have no clue about.

I agree with Tal. There was no relationship, only looks and assumptions on your part.

He may have had a crush on you, but has he tried to contact you since you left? He didn't even go to your good bye party. I think that speaks louder than any glances he gave you.

Even if you two could contact each other you yourself said your parents would never accept the relationship, so why continue dreaming about something that never was and never can be?

Hi all thank you for the so far advices. I think you people have mistaken me by thinking that I am just over reacting. No, let me make it clear that I'm not assuming on my part. Yes in my past life I had few experiences in school and college where some guys just used to stare at me. I could easily find that they had bad intentions. Like a stalker. And my heart never used to feel anything for them though they were good looking because I knew they were not good from their heart.

But this guy is totally different. I am confident that he didn't had any bad intentions. Apart from doing such things he is a nice guy. And I can say this because I know him at workplace for like 3 years. What I came to know in these 3 years was that he is sort of a different guy among his friends. He and his friends are well known to my other coworkers, supervisors and even managers as they were really close just like a family. What I came to know from my coworkers was that while all of his friends have girlfriends and always talk about girls , etc. etc. he doesn't even have one girlfriend. He is usually very friendly and helpful to everyone as I noticed. Moreover what I observed was he does communicate a lot with those people. And is always cracking jokes, sometimes silly.

Now, do you still say that he had any bad intentions with that staring?

But when we had an eye lock moment at those last few minutes was breathtaking like I almost stopped breathing for a moment. As hard as I try to describe what I saw and felt in His eyes, I fall short every time. Always questions me what was he doing exactly?

Neither does he have my contact information nor do I.

But dreaming of him is something not under my control. I don't can't choose to dream about him or not.

Well geez, what are you going to do then? Dream about a look when neither of you did nothing at all for 3 years. 3 years of... nothing but looking at each other?? Unbelievable. You really do need a life. Or write a romance novel.

Look I don't want to be mean, but since your dad would never accept him, what's the point of putting yourself through this, when you will never know what the looks of the good guy meant. Maybe he knew that the future was hopeless so he said nothing. Did nothing.

Dear Talaniman,

I think you come into conclusions very quickly sir. Did I ever meant in my previous posts that I want this guy, or I want to end up with this guy.

In fact the reason I didn't want to talk to him was that I had this thought in my mind that even if I talk to him, it will be fine for sometime because we will be together as desired. But, later on, when it is time to tell our parents about us, they won't accept it. And the pain of falling apart after being together for sometime will be more painful than it is right now. He must have also thought the same. And I think we did this for our good.

Here, I was just sharing my feelings which, might be unreasonable and which might be unnecessary.

Though I was bold enough and kept my feelings inside myself in front of him, but the feeling I am going through is something that I am not able to control it at present but later I may be able to.

Yet, I am not going to make any commitments. I was just sharing my feeling.

One more thing, please read my posts fully I didn't say that we felt for each other just by looking at each other since 3 years I said about 1 year. I met him 3 years ago. Obviously if it had been 3 years since we felt then definitely I would approached him myself or he would have.

I think I got a better life and I am doing very well. You WERE at most mean to me by saying that. I am sorry but thank you for all the trouble you have taken to give me your advices but sorry who are you to suggest me to write a romantic novel? I think it never made me to speak to anyone like this. I feel so sorry.

Thank you

Let me try to explain what Tal is saying.

The reason a Romance Novel was suggested is because you are acting like this was a romance, a fantasy, looks across a crowded room, unrequited love, that's what romance novels are filled with. The fact is, life isn't a romance novel.

You two never dated. You two never even said you were interested in each other. You're building this entire feeling of love and affection on a few looks.

You said before that we told you he had bad intentions. I never said that. I don't think he had any intentions. I think he looked at you and you blew it out of proportion and built this entire romance out of it when there was nothing to build on.

If you two had dated, if you'd actually spoken to each other about having feelings for each other then I'd feel differently. The fact is, you're basing all of this on a few looks, and that's just silly.

Real life doesn't work the way you described. In the real world people talk to each other. If someone is interested in you then sooner or later they will talk to you about it. Looks don't mean anything. The guy at the 7 Eleven by my house looks at me all the time, he flirts, he makes little comments, but is he interested? No!

Do you understand the difference between romantic feelings and real life?

Ok. First of all I didn't declare this as LOVE. If I haven't understood the real meaning of life then by now I would have forgot everything about myself-who am I , my parents or the ambition to pursue my studies in a university far way my home.

And please please please guys don't conclude that If I had fallen for him it is because of his looks. I am not that foolish to think like that. I would definitely look for something else.

Quote:

Originally Posted by angel2012

Ok. First of all I didn't declare this as LOVE. If I haven't understood the real meaning of life then by now I would have forgot everything about myself-who am I , my parents or the ambition to pursue my studies in a university far way my home.

And please please please guys don't conclude that If I had fallen for him it is because of his looks. I am not that foolish to think like that. I would definitely look for something else.

When I said looks I meant the glances he gave you, not the way he looks.

Okay, since you're responding with such anger, I have to ask, what was the point of your question? What do you want to know? What do you want us to help you with?

When I read your question I saw a confused girl, a girl that thinks that little glances across a room means there's a relationship. You spoke of all your feelings for him, wanting to find him. You also spoke of the fact that your parents would never accept him, but that you may want to date him for a while anyway.

So, what is the point of your question? What is it you're looking for? You obviously don't want to hear our opinions on this whole thing, so what exactly do you want?

Quote:

At one side I need him but at the same time i dint want to fall in this pit as :-

1)first of all, if I think ahead, our relationship will not be accepted at all by my parents because of age difference and different religion.
2)I dont know if he still likes me or not and if he does is it more than just a crush or not?

3) I have no clue where to start from to know about this. I don't know if he is still working there or not.
4) I had this thought in my mind that even if i accept him now, it will be fine for sometime coz we will be together as wanted. But, later on, when it is time to tell our parents abouts us, they won't accept it. And the pain that it will give of falling apart will be more painful than it is right now.

But now i am helpless. Why I keep thinking of him, dreaming of him? I feel like something is dragging me.

please give me suggestions.

That's why I was trying to burst your bubble young one, because I read and understand your dilemma. Most of us do. I wasn't trying to be mean, or cruel, just shock you into being realistic enough to see what you had wandered to after being quite practical and realistic when you started, to fantasy after a time.

Sorry for that, as I have had more than a few fantasies myself, and they were quite difficult to let go of. I imagine we all go through that at one time or another. So you are hardly alone. Knowing that doesn't make it easier though does it?

Hi. Sorry for the late reply, I have been busy and thank you all for your suggestions.

@Talaniman

You don't have to be sorry. If you just understood my feelings that is more than enough for me. Thank you.