Ask Me Help Desk - Broke up engagement

I broke up my engagement and feel very ashamed and feel guilty to have brought a bad phase of life to my family.. :(
I broke up with that man as I found very difficult to survive with him and he was a drunkard and a loser.

My questions are:
1. How do I answer the people that know my engagement.. shd I give details?
2. what shd be explained to a guy that I really like and want to get married to?
Shd I make a mention that I was actually "close" to that bastard?
How will a man take such a thing?
3. Will the ex come back to spoil all my future relationships?

Answers:

1) Don't give details, it is no one's business but your own. Simply state that there were some issues you could not work out to come to a mutual agreement.

2) Are you sure you are not rebounding? Take time for yourself, to learn what you really do and do not want in a relationship. It is too early for thinking about marrying someone else already. Does this guy not know you were engaged? If not, you owe it to him to know. He may not take it well since it seems as though you may have been deceiving him already.

3) Only your ex knows the answer to that question.

1. Tell them you decided not to lieve with a drunk all your life and moved on.

2. She was stupid and almost made a silly mistake in her life.

3. Of course ex's always do stupid things and come back when least wanted, Heck he may show up drunk at the wedding reception, we have to leave with our baggage and hope things don't go bad, The longer the relastionship is over, the better the chance

Be very careful. People, particularly women, have the tendency to drift towards people that ONLY meet the needs that weren't met in their last relationship right afterwards. It sounds to me like you're drifting out of one relationship to sprint towards a new one. I don't have any details about your ex, but CLEARLY you're not over him. If you feel guilty about what you've done and you're concerned that he's going to come back and ruin something, that's an indication you're not over it yet, and you shouldn't be planning marriages with somebody else. That doesn't necessarily mean you're meant to be with your ex, but it does mean that you have a few things to work out on your own.

Just be honest and upfront with everybody and tell the truth. Your ex won't be able to come back and spoil any future relationships unless you let him. He may try but he'll only get as far as you're willing to tolerate. Take control of the situation and don't let it control you.

May I ask a question? Why was he a B*****d and a loser? What did he do to you in the relationship? Was his problem just the drinking? Why did you give up on him? If he treated you badly, then yes, he was a loser, but if he had a genuine problem that needed help, could you have you had stood by him? I am only asking and I don't want to sound like I am judging because honestly, I don't know enough but it is just something I was curious about in this thread.

You also sound like you are still feeling guilty about leaving the guy but also you seem to feel guilty and ashamed that you were close to him...

It sounds like you need some time out to get over him to me. It is nobody's business but yours and you don't need to tell anyone but if you do, just be honest. Your past is your past and it does not sound like you have really done anything that wrong to me. You made a decision based on what you felt was right for you! Remember that! Still I am curious, could his problem have been resolved, did you communicate your concerns over his drinking e.t.c.

+ What do your family have to do with it? Why do you feel guilty, did your family like him?

Quote:

Originally Posted by Ammutty

I broke up my engagement and feel very ashamed and feel guilty to have brought a bad phase of life to my family..:(
I broke up with that man as i found very difficult to survive with him and he was a drunkard and a loser.

My questions are:
1. How do i answer the ppl that know my engagement..shd i give details?
2. wat shd be explained to a guy that I really like and want to get married to?
Shd i make a mention that i was actually "close" to that bastard?
How will a man take such a thing?
3. Will the ex come back to spoil all my future relationships?

I understand what you are feeling, I did the same yrs ago, after three weeks, I went out and got laid, I porked the sister of my late bride.
Now three and a half yrs later, I feel great I am banging 2 to 3 girls weekly.

Forget the guilt, you made a decision that was right for you and really that's all that counts. Whether you decide to share this with others is up to you but its nobodies business but yours. If you take the time and get over this and give yourself time to heal you'll be able to move ahead with your life.

Agree with tal, + how old are you?

Were you ready for marriage?

Again, sorry if I am presuming but just something to think about. I don't think many women or men under 25 are ready for marriage. Maybe that is a subjective point of view based on my experience with a woman under 25 but something to think about.

I may be off base here, you may be over 30 for all I know but I am just trying to cover all angles here so that you walk away with the best advice e.t.c...

Quote:

Originally Posted by Ammutty

Shd i make a mention that i was actually "close" to that bastard?

You make reference to being "close" to that bastard.. It almost sounds as if he mistreated you for you to feel this way.

If so, why do you feel guilty.. You have no reason to... do you?

Quote:

Originally Posted by Ammutty

I broke up my engagement and feel very ashamed and feel guilty to have brought a bad phase of life to my family..:(

They'll get over it. If they don't they have deep issues that you cannot begin to understand.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Ammutty

My questions are:
1. How do i answer the ppl that know my engagement..shd i give details?
2. wat shd be explained to a guy that I really like and want to get married to?
Shd i make a mention that i was actually "close" to that bastard?
How will a man take such a thing?
3. Will the ex come back to spoil all my future relationships?

1. Most people probably know he's a drunk. If they don't just say it didn't work out and move the conversation somewhere else. I don't believe it's fair for you to rub it in or talk about him in a negative way. When I hear ex's constantly begrudge the other I always side with the one who isn't there and think to myself how lucky they were to get away from this person. Don't become the bitter one who can't get over it.

2. How long has this new relationship been going on? Were you seeing the two at the same time? This seems sudden. You could mention I suppose. I wouldn't think it would be that big of a deal. I don't usually talk about the past but I dougt it would be a deal breaker. If it was then this guy should go too.

3. Depends on who you dated?

Quote:

Originally Posted by Geoffersonairplane

Agree with tal, + how old are you?

Were you ready for marriage?

Again, sorry if I am presuming but just something to think about. I don't think many women or men under 25 are ready for marriage. Maybe that is a subjective point of view based on my experience with a woman under 25 but something to think about.

I may be off base here, you may be over 30 for all I know but I am just trying to cover all angles here so that you walk away with the best advice e.t.c....

I am 25 years old.
I was in fact ready for the marriage! I have a good job, very good family support and the rest. I just felt the need of a companion in my life... and got this guy.
I call him a loser as he misbehaved with me. He got physical with me with out my consent. Again using abusive words and flirting with my friends to whom I introduced to etc made me feel really horrible with him.

Over a period, after the engagement I realised that his qualification, job etc are fake and not true. Not mentioned to me correctly. Socially drinking is acceptable, but when I got to to know about the too much drinking like he can booze on a Monday morning 9:00AM etc were really hopeless. He started commenting badly about my siblings, folks at home and pass bad remarks about my close friends( all only after the engagement).
I started feeling like a cornered animal as he never allowed me to do what I liked.. eg: I love playing the guitar. But he ensures that he calles me between the sessions and abuse if I did not answer.
I started to compromise and keep hush-hush as for avoiding emabrassment. I did not have any one to ask for a suggestion/ ask if I was doing a right thing. In the meanwhile he constantly took me for granted as I had gotten physically close to him.

One fine day I just felt that I was very different to what I was before I met him and have lost interest in things I loved doing, kept distance with my people I loved just obeying to him fearing to abuses and just realising that I have never even done this kind of surrendering to anyone in my life. Scoring badly in the work-place, losing contact with my network- I just decided- enough is enough!! I want my life back.. This has happened only couple of month before.. I cannot practically have any sort of relationship with any men as of now... but, I do not think I should live alone.
Yes- you have analysed me well.. I am finding difficult to get rid of this man from my mind... I feel guilty as I look behind, for dating with him, going around, even that he forced me to do things, I should have ran away from that place/ shouted for help... nothing happened.:(
Yes- This is my first relationship..

It sounds to me as if you made the right decision for you. He treated you badly and took you for granted. He sounds like he has real issues, particularly with alcohol and nobody can sort this out but him. If he treated you well and did not take you for granted, did not bully you in the sense that he stopped you from doing the things you liked, then I would question why you did not try to help and support him through his problem. He treated you badly though, therefore you did the right thing, he won't change unless he wants to and that must come from within himself. This is not your concern now and I really don't believe under these circumstances you have anything to feel guilty about. You did the right thing for you, this relationship was very destructive and marrying him would not have solved anything. In fact, he would have taken you for granted even more so after you got married. It sounds to me like he is not ready to make that kind of commitment with anyone until he addresses certain issues about himself. Again>>that is his problem, not yours. The reason I am highlighting this fact is to reassure you that you have nothing to feel guilty of. In fact, you probably did the guy a favour as now it may (MAY) open up his eyes to the fact that he needs to deal with his problems. At the very least, you have done yourself a big favour here. Don't worry about how others will judge, it is your business and you are an adult who makes her own decisions in life. I would be very surprised if anyone judges you badly for this decision based on what you have wrote so far.

This guy has loser written all over him.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Ammutty

He got physical with me with out my consent.

Loser

Quote:

Originally Posted by Ammutty

Again using abusive words

Loser

Quote:

Originally Posted by Ammutty

and flirting with my friends to whom I introduced to etc made me feel really horrible with him.

Loser

Quote:

Originally Posted by Ammutty

realised that his qualification, job etc are fake and not true.

Loser

Quote:

Originally Posted by Ammutty

I got to to know about the too much drinking like he can booze on a Monday morning 9:00AM etc were really hopeless.

Loser

Quote:

Originally Posted by Ammutty

He started commenting badly about my siblings,

Loser

Quote:

Originally Posted by Ammutty

folks at home and pass bad remarks about my close friends( all only after the engagement).

Loser

Quote:

Originally Posted by Ammutty

I started feeling like a cornered animal as he never allowed me to do what I liked

Loser

Quote:

Originally Posted by Ammutty

But he ensures that he calles me between the sessions and abuse if i did not answer.

Loser

Okay I think you see a pattern developing here. The guys a loser. He’s not worth being around. He has nothing to offer you. Absolutely nothing.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Ammutty

I started to compromise and keep hush-hush as for avoiding emabrassment.

Never compromise who you are as a person. You can compromise to a solution but when it’s at your expense as a person then it’s not worth it. It’s one to do the windows if he cleans the bathroom because there an equal trade off to something neither wants to do. When you do both and he tells you to be quiet about it then it’s time to leave.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Ammutty

I did not have any one to ask for a suggestion/ ask if I was doing a right thing. In the meanwhile he constantly took me for granted as I had gotten physically close to him.

Well now you have us.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Ammutty

One fine day I just felt that I was very different to what I was before I met him and have lost interest in things I loved doing, kept distance with my people I loved just obeying to him fearing to abuses and just realising that I have never even done this kinda surrendering to anyone in my life. Scoring badly in the work-place, losing contact with my network- I just decided- enough is enough!!! I want my life back..This has happened only couple of month before.. I cannot practically have any sort of relationship with any men as of now...but, I do not think I should live alone.

Why not? Living alone is great. You answer to yourself and nobody else. You get to do what you want, when you want.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Ammutty

I am finding difficult to get rid of this man from my mind... I feel guilty as i look behind, for dating with him, going around, even that he forced me to do things, I should have ran away from that place/ shouted for help...nothing happened.:(
Yes- This is my first relationship..

So there you have it. It was your first relationship. You make mistakes. I look back to my first relationship and think of all the mistakes I made, hey I even look back to my last relationship and think of all the mistakes I’ve made. Big deal. Your allowed to make a few mistakes and learn from them. Everybody does that. You or your relationships are never going to be perfect. So learn from it and grow and don’t make those mistakes again. Don’t get involved with a loser.

Like you said, so far no one actually pointed out bad at me, called me a brave girl instead!
But my folks at home are just surprised that I was surrendering to him. :). Unwanted.
It's a past- and that was not me!

There is a deep feeling of breach of trust by someone I was so genuine.. makes me not get into any kind of relationship.

Secretly, I have nightmares that I am sitting in a corner of a room and someone to soon attack me and don't feel safe or I am running to a destination that I am unsure of etc. Yes.. even now. I am confident to over come them.

The next question that I feel blank is about:
1. How should I react to this man if I meet him.. I worry if I get paniced. Avoiding is the best I can think of. But, what if he tries to talk.
2. I do not know when to strike a relationship- when I am ready- how to deal with the next guy- this ex's re entry into my life.

Overall, how should my move be from now on on personal front?

Quote:

Originally Posted by chuff

This guy has loser written all over him.

Loser

Loser

Loser

Loser

Loser

Loser

Loser

Loser

Loser

Okay I think you see a pattern developing here. The guys a loser. He’s not worth being around. He has nothing to offer you. Absolutely nothing.

Never compromise who you are as a person. You can compromise to a solution but when it’s at your expense as a person then it’s not worth it. It’s one to do the windows if he cleans the bathroom because there an equal trade off to something neither wants to do. When you do both and he tells you to be quiet about it then it’s time to leave.

Well now you have us.

Why not? Living alone is great. You answer to yourself and nobody else. You get to do what you want, when you want.

So there you have it. It was your first relationship. You make mistakes. I look back to my first relationship and think of all the mistakes I made, hey I even look back to my last relationship and think of all the mistakes I’ve made. Big deal. Your allowed to make a few mistakes and learn from them. Everybody does that. You or your relationships are never going to be perfect. So learn from it and grow and don’t make those mistakes again. Don’t get involved with a loser.

YES. Thanks! Feels a million times better with you guys around and supporting me.. :)

Quote:

Originally Posted by Ammutty

Like you said, so far no one actually pointed out bad at me, called me a brave girl instead!

Absolutely. I think more people run into this fear of what will someone else think then they let on. But look, your ex obviously doesn't care what you think so why should you have to live your life for him. No matter what your fear is, if it will make you happier and more complete as a human being to overcome it then you must. Your right you are brave and quite honestly you're an example to others who want to do the same thing but are too afraid to try. You are not only brave but a role model to others.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Ammutty

But my folks at home are just surprised that I was surrendering to him. :). Unwanted.

I'm a little confused by that comment to be honest. Sorry, I just can't figure out what was “unwanted.” They were surprised that you did surrender him? If so they are from a different generation but I highly doubt they want their daughter to be with a guy that abuse her.

If you are saying they were surprised that you surrendered to him in the relationship, then there happy you out of it.

Either way in the long run they'll be happy with you.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Ammutty

Its a past- and that was not me!

Exactly. If it's not you, then it's a place you don't belong.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Ammutty

There is a deep feeling of breach of trust by someone I was so genuine.. makes me not get into any kind of relationship.

I know what your saying. We've all been there. After I got dumped the first time I said the same thing. But you have to feel these feeling at some point in life. You have to feel deep pain to know what deep love is. You can trust again, you just can't give him everything like you did.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Ammutty

Secretly, I have nightmares that I am sitting in a corner of a room and someone to soon attack me and don't feel safe or I am running to a destination that I am unsure of etc. Yes..even now. I am confident to over come them.

Well that's your brains emotional reaction to a new emotional situation. I know you don't realize this now but they help the brain work through the pain. I remember a few years ago I was having the same nightmare over and over again. When the problem ended that it was related too, so did the nightmares. If your stressed you can go running or swimming or any kind of exercise to relive the stress. In fact I recommend you exercise for this very reason. But when the human brain is stressed out or feels emotional overload one of the ways that it “cures” this is through visual dreams. They will pass in time, if they don't then you need to see a counselor. But when this emotional drama is gone, so will the dreams.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Ammutty

The next question that I feel blank is about:
1. How should I react to this man if i meet him..I worry if i get paniced. Avoiding is the best I can think of. But, what if he tries to talk.

Well, if you can don't try to see him or talk to him. But if you run into him somewhere just say “hello, nice to see you.” If he starts to talk say, “I don't mean to be rude, but I'm short on time I've got to get to such and such place.”

Quote:

Originally Posted by Ammutty

2. I do not know when to strike a relationship- when I am ready- how to deal with the next guy- this ex's re entry into my life.

Take it very slow. If you see signs of a loser like this one let him go. If he makes you do something that is not becoming to you as a person then introduce your foot to his butt and his butt the curb.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Ammutty

Overall, how should my move be from now on on personal front?

Again slow. Stand tall and don't budge on who you are. Despite what the popular culture suggests men like strong women. We hate women that think being strong means being a all the time. That is not strong, that is annoying. But if you have a belief about something express it in a calm and honest manner. If the guy you are seeing can express it back to you the same way then he's a good catch.

The reality is your going to have times when your going to be mad at the other. It's how you deal with those times and the other person that matters. If he starts swearing at you or threatening you then you leave. If he manipulates you to do things then you go. If he gets mad and says “you do this thing that annoys me, please stop,” that's okay because he he's not demeaning you, he's just expressing to you his concerns. But if he has to bully you then he's a loser.

Always remember this too if your happier to be alone than to be with someone and be depressed, always choose alone.

:) Makes me feel very very good!
Thanks for the instant convincing advices and your time.
I have these notes carved in my mind now.

Thank you and take care! :)

Nobody deserves to be abused in a relationship or in any way, shape or form. It just is not right!!

I can understand why you have made reference to the term loser because any man who treats a woman the way he treated you is exactly that.

There are nice, genuine guys out there who will treat you the way you deserve. The right one will come along when the time is right and your past won't be an issue and this guy will be long forgotten about.

Thanks again!
Just a little disappointed as I could have done a quick search of this webiste few months ago.