Is it normal for my husband and teenage (13) stepson to kiss and cuddle and practically smooch all the time, also for him to lay in bed with him until he falls asleep.
My husband says that I demand too much of him, even though we have his boy about 70% of the time, it drives me insane, we never have any alone time, and if we do the kids are on the phone. He completely dotes on them and they can do no wrong, the always come first (which I expected) but not to this extent..

I don't know what constitutes "normal" but if it alarms you it is a problem.

Have you spoken to a counsellor, either alone or with your husband?

My husband wouldn't consider a counciller, he thinks they don't know anything. My jealousy causes rows about once a month, he thinks I am too demanding of his time.

You don't say how long you've been married; has this been an ongoing problem for a long time? You mention that he has more than one child. Are all his children with you as much as the 13 year old?

Independent of your husbands relationship with his 13 year old, are you on good terms with him, and are there any obvious reasons he gets so much attention from your husband. Is he disabled or handicapped in some way?

In the context of your question, "Is it normal for my husband and teenage (13) stepson to kiss and cuddle and practically smooch all the time, also for him to lay in bed with him until he falls asleep."

Without further information, if that were happening to me, I would say that it is not normal behaviour for a father and 13 year old son, to kiss, cuddle, smooch all the time, and regularly lay in bed with him until he falls asleep.

There must be more to this story?

I suspect this is part of a larger problem - the kids are "always" on the phone? They practically smooch "all the time".

It's not easy being a step parent. Sounds like maybe this marriage closely followed the first marriage OR there was no understanding concerning the stepchildren prior to the marriage.

Hello and thank you for your responses, I didn't realise how vague my initial question is, it's good you enquire more. First of all we have been married for a year, and it is all the time, his older boy is not his and lives with his girlfriend on the dole and is constantly on the phone for money. There is a whole other story behind this one. I don't like this constant scrounging when both his father and I work our socks off, but I am led to believe, that this is a child's role?
My husband has a two ex's, one who is the mother and one who is the step mother, he married neither of them, they both are still both in love and hate him at the same time, and do a great job of trying to corrupt the boy's view of his father and me. My relationship with him is okay when we are left alone, but you can tell when the ex's have got to him, because his attitude changes. Also he is spoiled and has a terrible attitude, again I hear this is normal teenage behavior. I find this difficult due to my very strict upbringing.
The reason my husband is so obsessed with his children is because he never loved either of his ex's, the first was a fling and he fell in love with the kid and kept going back, then she got pregnant to keep him, he was prepared to live that life although he didn't love her. Then she slept with his mate and he left her, in order to see his kids he got with his other ex, who ended up befriending his first ex, unbenown to him.
It's like a soap opera hey?
He is quite cold to anyone apart from his boys, and me until I upset him, by either moaning or sulking, I try my hardest not to do this, but when we argue he shuts me out and says he has no feelings for me, for days this goes on, I find it so hard. It also pushes him closer to the kids and he deliberatley leaves me out.
Remember though you are only hearing my side of the story and I am sure he would tell it differently, I am trying to be objective.
Thanks to you :)

It sounds like you are dealing with four children here, not the problems of one child.

I know how vengeful people can be, and that they will use whatever they can to exact revenge, which is what this sounds like with his exes. But, sadly it seems like the child is the monkey in the middle of all the adults who are not putting his needs first. (or the second child for that matter)

When relationships get this toxic, particularly with developing chidren, there is damage. Insecurity, confusion, trouble with school, anger, and self esteem. Being pulled in so many directions, and then in a position of being the messenger between his parents, is not a healthy place for a 12 year old to be.

When all of that happens, you will get attitude from this kid. He can only express anger, because of all that he faces. His parents are all mixed up in a toxic game of adults pulling each other apart, and playing games that he is too young, and too imature to understand, or deal with. He's just a kid, caught in the middle of it all.

While your husband has remained in his other son's life, even though he is not the father (if I read that right), while admirable, it doesn't seem to me that there is any structure or understanding between either woman, of either child.

While you think that both of these women are still in love with him, thus fueling their behaviour, I tend to think that women who behave this way, with the hounding for money, the interrogation of their children, the alliance they have formed together, and the obvious problems with at least one child because of their behaviour, certainly does not indicate that they are good mothers, or partners. He married you, but maybe the problem is he is juggling everybody in order to maintain a relationship with his son(s). Love has nothing to do with the behaviour of any of them.

Relationships end, people move on. But somehow, he is still stuck in odd relationships that are far too close for comfort, with both his exes. Is this position he is in fair to you, or fair to his children, or to himself- no it isn't. He needs to establish only a relationship with his sons.

He is inadvertently causing, or contributing to these complicated relationships, and that in turn, or the result of that, is the behaviour you are seeing in the 12 year old. He is way over the top with the affection toward his son, and seems to be continuously 'proving' that he loves him, and maybe trying to feel better himself by doing what he thinks he needs to do, in order to remain close to him. But, it is just as inappropriate as the position he puts his son in, by continuing with the drama with the other two women. That has to stop.

I would seriously look a little more carefully at what you yourself, can and cannot do. What you can do is what you've already done, and that is point out this cuddling thing as being unhealthy for his son, and that it is driving a wedge between you and him. But that has not stopped, or modified the behaviour, and maybe even has him digging in his heels more, because now there are three women finding fault with him.

If there isn't legally set visitation, that is an absolute must. It's quite clear that there is no civility between the two mothers, and himself. He needs to see a lawyer and protect and ensure his place in his child's life. Continued contact with both mothers, has to stop, and even if it means marking days on a calendar when the children are in your home, so be it. Communication about the children, should be via email, and any and all calls, texts, etc. should be deleted, and ignored and blocked.

Then in addition to establishing that, I would recommend that you and your husband get into marriage counselling together, and help each other understand the problems that you both face, and how to effectively deal with them. Including the excessive physical contact with his one son. He needs to learn effective boundaries, and lessen his need to keep proving he loves him, by over doing it. This kid is not benefiting from a father, who's life is complicated beyond what his age can understand.

I hope that your husband will get the help he needs to straighten out his life, and in turn, learn to be a better father. And I don't see it as optional, because as long as he chooses to continue as he has, you will both have more problems, and consequences of problems already existing.

Hi Jake
Yes I agree that the boy is being pulled in all directions and being emotionally used, but fortunately not by us, we never say anything negative about the exes in front of him or ask him any questions.
There are legal visitations we have him 3 days every weekend and sometimes more, his mother, only wants the payments off my husband, she is totally money driven.
I agree about his overcompensating and you are right now he has 3 women criticizing him, I agree it must be a very difficult situation for him juggling our attention for him.
In fact it has now all come to a head, he said he is sick of trying to please me and thinks I am selfish and self obsessed. He has now said he doesn't care if I leave as long as he has his boys that's all he wants.
The situation at the moment is awful, can I do anymore to improve it?

You are in a tough spot Leaja. If it is out of the question that he won't attend counselling with you to address and work on some possibilities for improving the overall situation, I don't know what else you can do.

It seems that the son, his father, and his ex, have little hope of communicating for the sake of their son, as long as they are at war with each other. And even if they weren't, there are other problems with the over affectionate father who I presume isn't addressing the attitude problem and lack of respect, toward you. This is your home too, and it isn't easy I'm sure to know that the same behaviour and attitude is going to happen, every week for three or more days that his son is there. Things get back to relative normal after he's gone, only to start up again.

Because this is his son, and you are his stepmother, that puts you in the awkward position of being at odds, with both of them, individually, and together. As long as your husband is not willing to effectively talk, listen, and make positive changes, he has put you and your needs aside, as well as not dealing with his son, who is also struggling.

I would like to think that your husband knows that the problems in the house aren't going to go away unless he takes an active part in solving them. That he's dug in his heels and sees this as a battle between you and his son, really means he has chosen not to deal with any of it.

What you can consider is counselling for yourself to help you sort out the feelings and all of your concerns. It would be helpful I think for you to talk face to face with someone who can help you more clearly see that you have options. One of them might be to give your husband options, that might include counselling. If he persists in his stance, the consequence would be for you to separate.

There comes a time where you will likely have to make up your mind whether this is going to all work out for you, or it isn't. It's not much of a life to know you are facing so many difficulties, and there is no hope that he will even try to address the problems.

I don't get the impression that you are unwilling to do what it takes to make this work, and I suspect that there is a lot more emotion to your situation for yourself, than you have said here. You started with concern for your stepson, and your heart is in the right place. Your husband really is a fool to choose not to even make small concessions to improve all your lives.

But, this is your life too Leaja, and I think counselling might help you in deciding what to do, in order to help yourself get a clearer perspective. It may also prompt your husband if he sees that you are serious enough to seek outside help in order to figure things out. He may surprise you and decide that getting help, with you, is a better alternative to losing you completely.

Please think about all of this carefully, and particularly that you keep the faith and hope for the best, but also prepare for the worst. I do think that at this point, its time for you to take care of yourself.