My daughter just had a nervous breakdown at the age of 21 as a result of the realization that she had been raped around the age of 5-7 by her male cousin. She spent 1 1/2 weeks in the Psych Department at a local hospital. Now, for the first time in years, she is back home with us. As much as I'm relieved that she came home, I have no idea of how best to help her. I try to just listen and follow her leads as far as EVERYTHING. I don't try to hold her, baby her or anything as I don't want to trigger any more episodes of this childhood trauma than she already has suffered. She gets physically ill and suffers from nightmares. I just filled her RX for nightmares, but it's not helping at all. How can I help her? It's so hard to know what to say or do as she has ALWAYS been an independent thinker and self-sufficient individual. Sometimes she wants to be a baby again and sometimes she's offended if I baby her. Mostly, I just try to follow ALL her LEADS. Is this the ONLY way to help her heal? Any ideas? It hurts to see her suffer so, but I know she has to let it happen in order to heal. She has managed to suppress this for over 15 years. Any suggestions would be greatly appreciated.

Lynne

You should consult with her doctors and find out how you can best help her through this. Good luck

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Originally Posted by talaniman

You should consult with her doctors and find out how you can best help her thru this. Good luck

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Thank you. I totally agree. It's just hard today because it's the w'end and I can't contact them until Tuesday (Monday being a holiday). I will do my best until then, though.

Thank you.
L

They usually have a doctor on call you can speak with over the weekends and holidays.

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Originally Posted by J_9

They usually have a doctor on call you can speak with over the weekends and holidays.

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Thank you. I appreciate your input. Right now, as you can imagine, I'm not thinking too clearly.

L.

Yes, I understand, and my sympathies are with you. This must be excruciatingly painful for you. How about trying to contact the hospital she was in and speak to someone there, or find out who the doctor is on call.

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Originally Posted by J_9

Yes, I understand, and my sympathies are with you. This must be excruciatingly painful for you. How about trying to contact the hospital she was in and speak to someone there, or find out who the doctor is on call.

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Thank you for your sympathy, as well as the great advice. As you can imagine, I'm not thinking too clearly right now, so even the most obvious answers don't come easily.

Thanks again.
Lynne

It's not going to be easy, but you know that already. It's going to take years for her to get back to anything resembling normal, and she's going to have issues for the rest of her life. Be present for her, but don't hover... she may have authority issues stemming from the rape, and if you're around too much or seem to be pushing her, you may trigger issues. If you have any shows of affection (nicknames for her specifically, or terms of endearment used within the family) that the rapist would have known too, avoid using them... that could trigger things as well. Also, the biggest thing to avoid is any frustration or fatigue on your part... there's the possibility that somewhere in her head, she feels like you failed to protect her, and if you show her how hard this is on you, that could be triggered as well.

You should absolutely speak to her doctors and get their advice on what to do. I'm only speaking on personal experience from what I've seen in my niece who was also molested as a child.

Thank you so much for your inciteful, as well as extremely helpful advice. I'm trying to do the "right" thing, but I realize there is no "right" thing. However, your ideas really hit home with me and gave ME some great ideas. Even though you're not a professional, your advice seemingly is precisely many of the things I need to hear. I also will talk to her doctors from the hospital, as well as any support groups in the area for this.

Once again, thank you for such "wise" advice. I'm a true believer that the adage that you can't possibly know how someone feels or is going through unless you've walked a mile in their shoes. Professionals coupled with people who have experienced the same trauma are key to my success in helping her to heal.

Lynne

Hello! I am so sorry to hear what happened to your daughter. I do have a few questions though. When she was young, how old was her cousin? When did she finally come out with what happened to her? It can be a very tramatic experience. People who have been abused, often feel that it is there fault. They feel guilty because they believe it is there fault and that they let it happened. Often people become depressed and even thoughts of suicide and other things happens. This must have built up in her so long that it will take a long time to heal. I personally feel that part of the healing process is admitting what happened, talking about what happened. Getting it out in the open. Continious counceling is very important for her to get her thoughts out in the open. Many people suppress what has happened to them. Or try to push it away so far back that eventually it will boil over again. I know you do not want to trigger anything in your daughter or do not know what do in this situation. Best thing is when she needs you be there. If she feels like talking to you let her open up to you. If she wants a hug, hold her. I agree with all the other advice about talking with her doctor as well.

One more question as well. Do you think your daughter has put any of the blame on you as a parent. Meaning where was the parents when this happened? I know it is hard to do but some people who have been abused (raped) take this out on the people that they think should have been there to prevented this from happening. Have you put any blame on yourself? Because if you have then you need to work through that as well.

Just some personal thoughts. Hope you write back.

Joe

Dear Joe:

Thank you so much for all of your advice. I very much appreciate everyone's input as you can imagine how shocking this to her, as well as to her Dad and me. She had a psychotic episode after working all New Year's w'end. She works nights at a deaf children's retreat facility from Friday nights 10pm to 9am, and Sat and Sun nights the same. The Monday following work, (New Year's Eve) she had been e-mailing her Dad and I and her e-mails got strange around 5pm. We got the call from the hospital that night around 10pm and went up as fast as possible. They admitted her as she was delusional and in and out of reality. She signed papers the next day to voluntarily stay in, thank goodness. They did many many tests to rule out different possibilities. But, in the end, I had gone to visit her and she told me for the first time about what her cousin had done. Since then, my husband and I have been trying to figure out when it could have taken place at the age she said it occurred because we don't ever remember a time that they would have been alone, together.(she said she was 5). They worked together at the YMCA's Camp for Kids as Camp Leaders when she was 14 and he would have been 24. This is all I know so far.

I am trying to do exactly what you suggest... just be there for her when she asks, don't try to hug or even touch her in the slightest way unless she asks. Being an artist her therapist at the hospital explained why she has so many triggers... colors, smells, tastes... all of her senses. She is resting comfortably right now in her room listening to Enya. I hope she can FINALLY sleep. She is definitely sleep deprived. Thankfully, she has asked me to call herr boss to tell him to get a replacement for her next w'end. She has also decided to look for a job that will get her back to a regular 5-day week schedule.

Thank you sooooooo much for all your suggestions. At 21, I can't even imagine what she is going through. She has suppressed this for 16 years. Your suggestion for my husband and I to also get help is very important, as well. I totally agree.

Again, thank you so much for replying.

Lynne