Ask Me Help Desk - My boyfriend is attractive but I am not

My boyfriend is a very attractive man, he is a personal trainer and keeps his body in great shape. This is great, what I do not understand is why he is with me. Iam not an attractive girl, I am very average looking. I am extremely insecure, I always think he is cheating on me with a beautiful girl, although I never share this with him. He never compliments me, no matter what I do or what I wear. I say to myself "well, at least he is not lying to me" but sometimes I wish he would lie to me and tell me that I am attractive, at least in his eyes. What should I do?

Work on your own insecurities and try and feel good about yourself. If left unchecked these feelings can mess up any relationship you have and keep you from being happy with who you are. A professional or a trusted friend could help you see that you are worth the attention from attractive people

This is one of the things that killed my relationship. Sorry for the tough love, but you need to get over it. It's not his job to babysit your insecurities. He can't fix you, and from my personal experience with my ex that was just like you, even when I did compliment her, she didn't believe it. It's frustrating to deal with people that have personal insecurities. You can't expect him to know how you're feeling if you don't tell him, and you can't expect him to fix you if you do tell him. This is something you need to work out independently of a relationship on your own.

Unless you scare people when you're walking down the street, there is something attractive about you and it is obvious that your boyfriend sees something in you. Everybody is attractive to somebody, and attractiveness is relative, it depends on individual preference.
I once had a boyfriend tell me he never thought I was pretty, just that I was very sexy. I wasn't sure how to take that. We stayed together for over nine years, and he even wanted to marry me. I never paid any attention to the not pretty part, just kind of agreed with him that yeah, I was sexy, and he was a dumass if he couldn't see how pretty I was/am. ( I didn't want to marry him)
The problem is you don't think that you are attractive, you would be surprised at how big a difference a little makeup and a good hair cut can do to change your mind.
Also, you have to judge yourself based on, not in comparison to everybody else.
The problem is that you don't think that

Some people don't care if someone is good looking... but I think its good that he doesn't lie like other guys do . If he doesn't likes you then he would probably told by now

*hope that helps little bit

Thanks so much for the responses guys. Talaniman, thanks a lot I know, I've worked with a therapist before, I stopped going but I think I need to return. Foreverzero, also thanks! I know this could drive my boyfriend away, I don't want to push him away. I think I do need to talk to him about it I just don't know where to start. I don't want him to feel I'm now happy with him because I am, he is the love of my life, I just wish from time to time he would say something to me that would indicate some attraction. I read another post from a girl saying that her boyfriend does not have sex with her. That is not my case at all the sexual chemistry is there. I just have self image issues I guess, strong ones... I know I need to work on this on my own, I just wish he would verbalize him being attracted to me from time to time and I'm not talking all the time just sometimes. The whole time we have been together he has never complimented me, he says he is not the kind of guy that gives complimenst but I wish he sometimes would, maybe that would help me a little.

Thanks taukame and think pink!! I'm finding all these answers very helpful.

Trust me I feel the same. But maybe your focusing on that, instead of the fact that your together. He may be getting upset and frusterated by this. Just know that it's not only what he says that's important, it's if he prove's his feelings by action. Good luck

I wouldn't do anything. Maybe you're more attractive than you're giving yourself credit for. Maybe he's not as attractive as you're making him out to be. Either way, he's with you and wants to be with you so you've really got nothing to worry about.

Quote:

Originally Posted by jj1764125

My boyfriend is a very attractive man, he is a personal trainer and keeps his body in great shape. This is great, what i do not understand is why he is with me.

I think what your really saying here is "I'm not sure I can keep him" as opposed to I don't know why he's with me. I mean you must have common interests or be fun to be around or something. The truth is I've been called ugly and compared to Brad Pitt. So it's all relative to who your talking to. I went out with a girl once who many people said was not attractive but she was funny and fun to be with and I thought she was hot. I work with a woman who is probably 100lbs overweight but she's never down, she is outgoing, plays practical jokes, always smiling and is just a all around fun person. I'd date her over one of these 75 lb hollywood stars without thinking twice.

Looks are great in high school for either guys or girls. After that they don't mean much. At least that's this man's opinion.

Quote:

Originally Posted by jj1764125

Iam not an attractive girl, i am very average looking.

Again, in whose eyes. Your own. So in this case your boyfriend I have to say holds the edge. I mean he sees you for everything you have to offer.

You know I'm sorry too but are you seriously basing a relationship on looks? If I had to pick looks or personality, I'd take personality ever time. To be honest I think a lot of guys would. We talk about hot women but we hate putting up with their stuck up attitudes that seem to come with many of them.

Quote:

Originally Posted by jj1764125

I am extremely insecure, I always think he is cheating on me with a beautiful girl, although i never share this with him.

You know, unless he gives you reason to believe this your not being fair to him. Your making him out to be a bad guy for something he hasn't done.

But let's follow your line of thinkng for a second. Let's assume you're a 1 and he's cheating on a 10. If that's the case why hasn't he left you yet? Why are you beating yourself up for something that isn't resonable or worse yet, isn't even happening?

Quote:

Originally Posted by jj1764125

He never compliments me, no matter what i do or what i wear. I say to myself "well, at least he is not lying to me" but sometimes i wish he would lie to me and tell me that i am attractive, at least in his eyes. What should i do?

Well to be fair to him, maybe he doesn't realize he should compliment you. I would ask him this? Maybe it never crossed his mind. Also if you've been dating for awhile, as a guy I can tell you that we forget to say those things. We think it but we just don't verbalize it. Sometimes we get "caught up" in life and take the other for granted. That's both good and bad but maybe that's what happened here. Ask him though, "Do you like what I'm wearing and see what he says.

Ok, I have what is called WALMART counseling, go to walmart and sit on one of the benches that are by the greeter for a hour or so on a busy Saturday.

First no matter how bad you think you look after a while you will know you are a lot prettier than about 1/2 the people in this world. Next watch and see that often in couples they are opposite, one is tall, one is short, one is fat one is skinny, one is older one is younger.

You can tell by my photo I am no winner by any streach of things, and my wife is a singer who is over 10 years younger than I am. A real beauty and the beast theme.

The real issue is why are you with him? More than why he is with you. He is with you because he likes you, he things time with you is fun and he may love you. Looks have nothing ( or should have nothing ) do to with that. If you were in a wheel chair or got scar tomorrow if he loves you, he still would love you.

You should love him beyond his looks, if he got fat, he he was in an accident and could never walk again, if your feelings for him would change, then it is not love.

The dating you are talking about is what happens in high school, eveyrone wants to date the jock or the cheer leader ( which my wife was a college cheer leader so I did finally get mine) but anyway, as we do get older we find that most of the time, the cheer leaders end up married to the man at the mill with 4 kids and so on. The JOCK who does not get the scholarship to college is still pumping gas at his dads gas station,
What we see as great in high school is no good catch, but the nerds who can't get a date in high school end up owning the IP companies or being the engineers making 200,000 a year.

And making that change from a high school dating mentality to real life and actually just dating people regardless of their looks because they are great people are harder for some to understand and accept.

To help you understand the guy's position, I was on his end of it in a 2 year relationship and several times she complained that I never complimented her, and she didn't feel pretty or good enough for me. I bet you dollars to donuts, if you tell him this, and he starts complimenting you more, it's meaningless to you. You're going to assume he's only doing it because you told him to and he doesn't mean it. It's a personal insecurity that nobody but you can fix. All he can do is not make it worse. It doesn't sound like he's making fun of your looks, even jokingly, so I'm going to say he's doing all he can.

From my perspective, when my girlfriend told me I needed to compliment her more, it pissed me off. I feel like one of those fat slobs cat calling a stripper when I have to tell my girlfriend she looks good. The relationship isn't founded on looks, so why do I have to talk about them? I feel like the compliments that have meaning are the ones on her character, not her appearance. She used to tell me she loved my hair and how nice my nose is and stuff like that, but it was meaningless to me. When she told me how emotionally strong and that I do the right thing, that means something to me. Asking him to compliment you more is asking him to change who he is. You need to understand that because he doesn't say nice things to you as much as you want to hear it, he's thinking them. If he wasn't, he would leave you in a heartbeat for one of those "prettier" girls you're talking about. He's chosen you for a reason, and that's the biggest compliment of all in my book.

Let him know how you feel and stop thinking negative.

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Quote:

Originally Posted by jj1764125

My boyfriend is a very attractive man, he is a personal trainer and keeps his body in great shape. This is great, what i do not understand is why he is with me. Iam not an attractive girl, i am very average looking. I am extremely insecure, I always think he is cheating on me with a beautiful girl, although i never share this with him. He never compliments me, no matter what i do or what i wear. I say to myself "well, at least he is not lying to me" but sometimes i wish he would lie to me and tell me that i am attractive, at least in his eyes. What should i do?

Act confident within yourself, if you act confident, your boyfriend will see this, and if you love the way you look, then so will he, take pride in your appearance, I used to be exactly the same, I thought I was very unattractive, but then I started being confident, and I started changing this about ymself, hair make-up, clothes, and I know get commented on by a lot of guys how 'cute' I am, if you are that upset about the way you look then try and change? Either for yourself, or for your boyfriend.

Kitty xxx