My wife of 25 years has a male she worked with and who retired about a year ago. He's about 20 years her senior. We've met and had a lot in common. S and I share an email address and he often sends us forwarded funnies, interesting stories, the usual. She usually replie and forwards some to my personal email. She always tells "Larry" how much she misses him. I was looking for an old email in the "trash" wwhen I found 2 rather risqué ones from him, of videos of nude women working out. It wasn't targeted at us, but to several recipients. My wife said she didn't think they were appropriate, but I said she'd replied to him about their "boobs" and then trashed it. She had no answer. She's told me he'd once commented about her nipples showing through a sweater one day at work.

Yesterday she told me they'd gone to lunch together, by themselves. She extended the invitation. I thought I was comfortale with it, but I asked if his wife knew of their freindhip and that they were going to lunch and she said she didn't know. She then said she should have never told me.

I don't question her fidelity, maybe more his motives, and that bothers me. She can be extremely naïve and trusting.

Am I being "controlling?" Should I express my feelings or just let it go. It could be innocent.

You are to old to be engaged in this insecure BS!! Drop this line of thinking immediately. After 25 years and you think she is naïve and trusting? More of your BS insecure thinking. How old are you??

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Should I express my feelings or just let it go. It could be innocent

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Let it go! And get a check up because a guy that's been married for 25 years cannot all of a sudden change to a young insecure kid again, unless of course you are going through your own mid life crisis. And that something your poor wife needs to know.

Maybe you need to know for yourself, so you know what to do about it.

Thanks for your very strightforward answer. It's hard to explain a 25 year relationship in a few words, but you sure think u've got me figured out. I could give you more background, but u'd rather be judgemental instead of inquiring.
Back in your cave!

It seems to me that your wife has been open and above board about everything. You have access to the e-mails. She tells you when they meet. It sounds like she is quite happy for you to have a friendship with him too. Sounds to me like you have few grounds not to trust your wife.

So it's his motives you mistrust? Well allowing yourself to get to know him will either put your mind at rest or at least allow you to feel you can see the situation better. Even if you don't trust him you should be able to trust your wife's ability to either handle the situation or say if she thinks his behaviour is becoming a problem.

Unless your wife has some kind of learning disability, I think branding her naïve and too trusting is a little insulting. I am open and trusting of people. I always give the benefit of the doubt first and allow for mistakes. This doesn't mean I'm an idiot and doesn't mean that I am unable to change my stance when evidence suggests otherwise. I prefer to start from a position of trust unless that would involve putting myself in danger or at risk of exploitation. Not everyone wants to be a cynic.

From the evidence you have given so far, we have a man who likes to tease and joke around a bit, sometimes in a risqué fashion, but apparently with a lot of people not just your wife. I don't see this as enough to conclude there's a problem. Sure it's wise to have an awareness of what is going on and be prepared to say something if boundaries are crossed, but I see no evidence that has happened yet.

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Originally Posted by littletoady

Thanks for ur very strightforward answer. It's hard to explain a 25 year relationship in a few words, but u sure think u've got me figured out. I could give u more background, but u'd rather be judgemental instead of inquiring.
Back in your cave!

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Relax fella, I often go straight for the throat when the info given is rather obviously subjective as opposed to being evidence of anything wrong, or even being alarmed about.

Why should we have to drag important facts out of you? Your lack of facts is what made me judgmental using your words, because honestly, your wife's actions doesn't send me any red flags, and just so you know, I have been married for 35 years, and know a bit about what I speak of, so if you have facts lets hear 'em. Then I don't have to shake your cage to get them.

ERROR: You must spread some Reputation around before giving it to talaniman again.

littletoady it appears from what you have written, if you hadn't found these old emails there wouldn't have been any issue. I think there is a reason why your wife didn't share the emails with you in the first place. She knows your sense of humor and knew you wouldn't appreciate them. That is the reason she responded the way she did to your questioning. I believe your wife may not be as uncomfortable with this man's "risque" humor as you are.

Your wife has been completely up front about all her interactions with this man and told you that she went to lunch with him. In addition to questioning her regarding the way she responded to the emails, you questioned her on whether the guy's wife was aware of their friendship & luncheon. Whether you agree or not, from a completely objective perspective, your actions have shown her that you are insecure and jealous. That is why she stated she should never have told you. I am concerned that you are causing a rift in your marriage that will only grow wider if you don't immediately reel yourself in.

It might be wise for you to really focus on the fact that you do trust your wife. I think QLP hit the nail on the head with this: "Even if you don't trust him you should be able to trust your wife's ability to either handle the situation or say if she thinks his behaviour is becoming a problem."

Frankly, to ensure your wife doesn't stop telling you about her interactions with this man, you might want to consider telling her: "Those emails he sent left me feeling very uncomfortable. I thought they were inappropriate but, you appear to have handled it in a way you were comfortable with so, I am sorry I questioned your actions. I do trust you and I know you will tell him when he has crossed the line with you. Just know if you feel his behavior has become inappropriate and you need me to intervene, I will absolutely be there for you."

Now, I am going to throw an additional piece of advice at you. I don't know how you feel about this but I do think the best way to ensure you don't have any further disagreements with your wife over this man's intentions is for you to consider turning this man and his wife into a couple that both you and your wife socialize with on occasion. You did state that you and he have a lot in common. Okay, the sense of humor, maybe not so much. :D LOL. But, I think you might be able to relax a bit more if you suggest to your wife that you are interested in socializing with them as a couple and ask how she would feel if the four of you get together for dinner once in a while. Either the four of you will hit it off or you won't. If you do, then it will become the norm for all four of you to socialize instead of just the two of them. If you don't, I wouldn't be surprised to find that eventually the friendship between the two of them will fade out. Remember, this is a friendship forged solely out of a common work environment. The guy is much older than your wife and only recently retired. The main thing they have in common is the corporation and the gossip about the people he worked with. As time passes, current employees will quit, new people will be hired, and what they had in common will eventually disappear.