Hi,

Need some advice I've been with my girlfriend for 7 years I'm 32 and she's 25, we have had ups and downs as all couples do, and even split up twice both times not for long as we always missed each other.

We both love each other but we both seem to want different things from life, I'm ready to settle down and have kids but she's never been sure what she wants one min were happy and every thing looks good then the next she says she's been with me since 18 and wants to travel work abroad etc, she also loves to go out clubbing all the time and always drinks way too much and cheated on me about 7months ago I had the speech about how sorry she was and that she hates herself for doing it and it was all down to drink! After thinking about it and finding it hard to decide what to do I decided to give her a 2nd chance and forgive her! Even though she cut her drinking down she's still out every week until the clubs shut! Which I find hard and we do rowl about it a lot..

I know it sounds like I'm a mug for putting up with it but I do love her and I no she loves me! She's just a different person when drunk..

For the last few weeks she's been saying a lot that she loves me but doesn't know what the future holds for us as she's so confused about what she wants said she hates the thought of living without me and could be worst mistake of her life but its not fair on us because she can never give me 100% until she knows for sure what she wants from life!

After a rowl the other day we both decided that its best we have a break so she can sort out things in her head, she's now moved out into her nans and I do miss her already and it was only yesturday that she left, I no I can't be texting her or phoning her and I know I have to give her space, but what does everyone think I should be thinking or doing now!

Give her just that, her space. Time apart only makes the heart fonder. Do not contact her, let her do her thing. If you really want her to respect you, and your relationship. Just let her be, you should have been the one to break up with her. Because now she knows she can walk all over you and she really never learned nothing from her mistake, but continued to party like a rockstar.
If you want her to settle down with you, but she says she doesn't know if she is ready, well just let her be, and she can decide that for herself. Chances are, if she comes back to you, she will be A lot more willing to work things out for you two, instead of just telling you what you want to hear to stay together.
If she is a different person when drunk, and still drinks a lot, Once a week is a lot to me. Then I would definitely end it until they get some help or mature. When people break up, the person who got dumped always put there mate on this huge pedestal. But just remember all the bad from this girl, all those things you hate. Perhaps there is a much more suitable match for you, that you will not have to stress about like your mate that you are having these troubles with now. As a relationship grows, the people change, there is some changes that are easily adapted to by each other, and some that our not. Sounds to me that she has felt trapped in a relationship and has never gotten to do some things that she could have done being single. Sorry that you have to go through this, wouldn't it be so much easier if she was just happy with what she had with you.
Maybe she is happier with you more than she knows. Let her live without for awhile. This time, if she tries coming back, makes a few things very clear of what your expecting out of your new go at the relationship.
Do not wait for her to come back, live like you love your life, and your moving on. Best thing for you guys and you no matter what you want to happen from this.

You should be taking care of you. Do things you enjoy, try new things you think you might enjoy. Reconnecting with friends and maybe even making some new ones too. STAY BUSY... thats the key and helps you.

It sounds to me like she isn't ready to settle down and you are. She wants to part you don't.
You need to understand that she seems to have realized your relationship isn't for her and that she is probably moving on. How long you wait is up to you or what seems reasonable to you. I'm not saying she won't be back or that you shouldn't hope for that, but you should prepare for the worst.

Buy a dog? Join a gym? Go Latin Dancing?.

Start paving the way to a whole new life. New adventures to be had, new people to meet and mending a what will become broken heart.

She is in complete denial. She doesn't want the 2:2 family, white picket fence, small house in the country. She wants to live. And although she loves you. She wants to love her life more.

You aren't a blip on her radar at the moment. Just someone she knows she'll be able to fall back on if you let her.

Its only been a day or so, so while you give her what she asked for, a break, start enjoying your freedom and see the rest of the world, and do your thing, for a change. When she sorts herself out, she will let you know, and until then, leave her alone.

After 7 years, the time apart will be a welcome break because you will have no one to argue with, and can put your own life in better perspective. Find out who you are without her. The last thing you need is to lose control and go begging after being dumped. Let her have her break, and get her head screwed on straight. Maybe she will stop drinking, and carousing the bars, and even miss you. Just lay back relax, and see what happens. Its only been a day or so. Call some friends over!!

Thank you so much for your answers they really have helped, from when we broke up before I knew that I couldn't hastle her and I've got to keep myself going by keeping busy I'm already a member of a gym so I'm now down there all the time plus seeing my mates loads! And working hard which is abit boring though! Haha

I must admit though I am finding it hard at times like I came in from work today and knew she'd been in the flat as stuff had been moved about, its hard as she hasn't moved all her stuff out yet, she said she didn't want to take it all as its only a break to see how she feels with a few weeks apart! But I'm not so sure it's a good idea her keeping the keys to the flat, I will have to have some kind of contact with her to discus this I guess or should I just leave it as she's likely to only come round when I'm at work to get bits of hers!

Pool,

Keep busy and take this time to really find out what you want out of life and how to achieve this. It may be with this woman or it very well mean that it maybe time to move on. Don't let this just be about her and the time she needs, it also your time to look around that apartment that still has things of hers and realize that the reason she isn't there is because she Isn't READY to settle down, she is still into the partying stage.

Its nice that you loved her enough to forgive her, but really it is time for you to honest with yourself, that her cheating cannot be blamed on the alcohol, but that she had already started having doubts about relationship and acted on them!!

Take care

Why not gather her stuff into one convenient place, by the front door, so she can make this transition faster, and easier on you, and see this as a break up, and deal with it like it's the first day of a new life without her in it.

Just a quick update I came home from a pool competition lastnite to find that she had been in the flat and nearlly took all her stuff, which knocked me for 6, and I guess it sunk in that it is actually over and not just a break, I did send her a text which I no I shouldn't but I sent a text saying look were both adults just came home to find all your stuff gone and I'm confussed is it a break or a break up! I didn't beg or anyfing she messaged back saying I'm not sure but think it should be a break up and gave me the same excuses as before! So I just said OK then take care! It hurt me pretty bad much worse than when I thought it was just a break but as you have all said I now need to move on and try and enjoy myself! I'm sure it's going to be a long long road to recover! But will get there eventually.. Thanks again for all your replys...

Threads merged

Hi

I have already asked a question on here about my now ex girlfriend, but was just wanting to here some other points of view!
I was with my girlfriend for 7years and we split a week and a half ago, there's a few reasons we split one because I found it hard to trust her as she cheated on me about 7 months ago she was devistated for what she done but still continued going out week after week drinking, which I found really hard and we rowled a lot, also she has been saying that she feels like she needs to do somefing with her life before she settles down (I should also add I'm 32 and she's 25) but what I find confussing only a few weeks ago she was asking when were going to get engaged and married and said about having kids!! Then as I say just over a week ago wakes up on the Sunday after a little rowl on the Saturday night and says she needs time on her own and is moving out then packed her stuff and left!
Since then I haven't done that bad mistake and begged for her back or gone chasing her I'm giving her the space she wants, and I'm getting on doing things to keep busy etc but am finding it hard and didn't help today finding out from a friend that she's now renting her own flat and seems to be enjoying single life? And has even gone for a job interview working on the cruises! I haven't had any contact with her but I do hope she's happy! I'm just wondering if she misses the relationship or not, when she left she left in tears saying how much she loves me and is sorry that she doesn't feel settled in her self and said it could be worst mistake of her life leaving me because of how much she loves me! I do understand what she's saying and I know I have to let her get on with it whilst I have to try and move on! Is there any tips for doing this and does anyone think she may come back to me? She's always been up and down in her way of thinking which makes it hard for me to settle and move on!

Immediately issue NC.. No contact! Delete her number ANYTHING AND EVERYTHING that will make you want to call her or message her... don't worry she is going to contact you and you have a chance of getting her back if you listen and follow the rules of NO CONTACT!! No replying to messages no calling.. researchit on the net if you need more answers... but this girl still loves you she just needs to miss you and realise how much she needs you in her life. Only time to think and be without you will give her that. Start no contact and hold out for a month... It is going to be extremely tough but you can do it.. I did it and trust me it works!

Firstly you mention your girlfriend cheated 7months ago... people don't cheat unless their unhappy. It doesn't mean you did anything wrong, it's how she felt.

Secondly you mention you haven't made that 'bad mistake of fighting for her' I think it's great you've given her space, but perhaps now you should try to meet with her, talk about what went wrong and if its fixable so you'll be able to clearly know where you stand after that conversation.
If you both decide to give it another go know there'll need to be big changes made to ensure you're both happy within the relationship, make sure your both preapred to make them!
If it's decided by one or both of you that the relationship has ended you need to make it clear to each other and yourself that there will be no going back. A clean cut will need to be made, perhaps pursue new hobbies to keep you busy and entertained. Even if you want to be friends, I'd suggest at least a six month break of no contact just so you can adjust to not being in each other lives and fade those feelings of love. It won't be easy but just remember every cloud has a silver lining!

Thirdly, learn from your experiences... take away the good things and learn from the bad. Chin Up!

I'd say leave her be. You two had some problems, she cheated, was sorry but then she left you.
Move on with your life. She is trying to move on with hers.

Hi

Just a quick question as I'm abit confussed about what's going through her head!

I haven't contacted her since she left apart from replying to things she has asked me about paperwork and stuff that she couldn't find! But that's only been two or three times in nearly 2weeks,

Anyway today I was in the flat getting ready to go to gym and she text me saying could I open the main front door which leads to my flat door as all her stuff is packed in that hallway, she wanted me to open door so she could get something, as I buzzed the downstairs hallway door open I opened my front door and as I did she turned round and was about to walk away (like she didn't want to see me) I just said do you need to get in my flat she said no its OK! But with her back to me, I was on my way out anyway so as I came down stairs I just said how are you hope your OK she replied I'm fine thanks still with her back to me and she was trying to make herself look like she was going through her bag! I just replied good good see you later I'm off out! She still had her back to me and said yeah bye! I just shut the door and drove off and haven't text or heard from her since! Why do you think after 7years together she couldn't even make eye contact with me? I found it very weird so just wondered if there was any reason why she would have been like that with me! We are adults after all...

Who knows and what difference does it make? She is gone. Maybe she did not want to face you.

Your right it doesn't make any difference and I know she's gone! I just found it strange that after 7 years she would act that way!

Like I said maybe she could not face you.

Contrary to popular belief, break ups, especially after a really long time together can be as emotionally traumatic for the dumper, as the dumpee. . Doesn't mean there is hope of a change of mind, just they are affected emotionally. That's all.

Hi

Can I have a few suggestions on best way to handle my situation at the moment!

I would like to be able to say I've been doing the no contact rule! Even though I have she has contacted me and I've replied nothing about us though its all to do with her stuff, and as my last post said have even had contact with her as she came to get some stuff from the downstairs hallway which she text me to say could I buzz her in!

My problem is this she still has a lot of stuff in the downstairs hallway and even though its not in my way, when she text me before about her stuff I did say I want it gone! She said give her time and it will be gone, be a week and a half since that text, and all she's done since is come and get bits and bobs here and there, but the thing is she has a key to the downstairs hallway so if she texts again saying could I buzz her in do I just not text her back as she can always go back to her nans and get her key! Or do I text her again saying please can you clear the hallway asap? Or do I carry on replying to her texts saying OK I will buzz you in? Just to be polite..

From the day she said to me I think we should have a break my reply was OK if that's what you want, then she left, and I haven't contacted her since or told her about how I feel? And now she still sends me texts I feel that I'm not really sticking to the no contact.

I first started this no contact because I thought if I do this she will want me back, but since reading loads of stuff about no contact I am starting to think to myself I've got to do this for myself and move on! And take each day as it comes!
What help can you guys give me this time? I must also say finding this site has really helped and your coments make thing a lot easier!.

Text her and tell her she has till the weekend to get the remainder of her stuff if it's not collected by Saturday it'll be binned Sunday, she wanted out you aren't a storage hold for her stuff any longer.

Time to make things easier for YOU not her.