Hi,
Basically we dated for 2 years on and off and she was madly in love with me, I never really fully committed to her and cheated on her twice with my ex (before her) girlfriend. She was devastated but still tried to make it work and trust me until just over month ago where she said she can't do it nomore, as I never really did much to build trust I would just argue when she questioned me.
I have had plenty of relationships but after losing her I have realised how much I really love her, & I know I don't deserve her but I know I can treat her right if she gave me that chance.
She has been very clear she can't be with me, the bad memories really hurt her & don't go out her mind, but doesn't want to lose me out her life & wants to be friends!
Anyway she has my fb passwords and goes on it everyday to see what I'm up to who I speak to etc but contacts me every other day with random chit chat. Didn't speak to her for 4days (longest since breakup) and she rang me yday as I changed my passwords and I just said what's the point how can I forget u when u have it I get false hope thinking if u want to know my business u might want me back and that I can't remain friends until I'm trully over u. she texted me that she cried all yday nightt and day as she missed me but doesn't think she can trust anyone and is scared to date anyone and get hurt again and she wants me to be happy..
I replied saying I want u to be happy what can I do? She said "forget me, but not the good times we had, if we are meant to talk & be friends later in life it will happen, leave it to god"
I really want her back so I have tried to be friends let her know I can be loyal (give my passwords etc) but nothing has changed, should I stay friends and hope she eventually changes her mind or walk away? Even if I walk away I know I will constantly hope she contacts me..
Please help I feel remorse for how I hurt her and love her so much..
Finally I know its silly considering my situation but I got her name tattoed on my chest but I don't know if I should tell her or not..

Thank you for reading..

If you really love this girl then you will let her go... she is just wasn't that strong at first. Erase her from all your social sites and change your passwords if you have to. Stop contacting her and forget her like she asked you to do.

Eventually, she will sort herself out and get another boyfriend. That's were you will pay dearly and wonder why in hell you ever got that tattoo.


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Yu01eOXABBg

People are entitled to their privacy, whether it's a girlfriend/boyfriend, or married couple- it is dangerous to share your passwords; please, change them again and keep them to yourself.

You treat someone with what you do, not with what you show- i.e. tattoo. If you seriously want to try to be in a relationship again with her, it will take a lot of work on your part, for her to invest again, especially based on your history while with her.

Wanting someone, and talking the talk, won't go a long way in mending what went wrong, nor will it establish anything new toward the future. You have to actually take steps. Couples counselling would be a good start. Work through the main reasons for the split; get the cards on the table, and see what happens. By letting things go for so long without resolve, it is very hard work.

But, if you want her back, it has to be for all the right reasons, and actually doing the work to make it happen isn't going to happen without a concrete plan.

People tend to appreciate things after they lost it. Right now she is hurt pretty much and she needs some space and time to patch the holes you made in her heart. I would say for now let her go, if she still wants to rekindle things with you and start from zero she will eventually come to you as right now meeting and talking to her is like touching her open wounds. I think she also has stated it clearly to you :

Quote:

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she said "forget me, but not the good times we had, if we are meant to talk & be friends later in life it will happen, leave it to god"

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Respect her wish if you really love her, for now it is the wisest thing you can do

Since you already know that it was your bad behavior that brought all this about, I won't hit you over the head with it.

I will say though that the same selfish feelings that allowed you to cheat, is the same selfish feelings that are pushing her away now. Its all about YOUR need for her to forget her own hurt, caused by you, and give you what you want, her back the way it was.

You couldn't do it, so letting her go to resolve her issues of hurt, and betrayal is the best thing you can do for you both. Maybe things work out, but they won't in the near future, because there is too much to be done for yourselves as individuals. If you cannot do it together, and obviously you can't, then you will have to do it apart.

Sorry you had to go through this to realize the parts of you that need to change, but I hope you finally get it, and do change for the better. Move forward, and do better for yourself, and you won't have to live in regret of past actions.

Thank you for all your comments, I guess I know deep down just to leave her be is the best thing I can do, but if I don't contact her she contacts me and of course that gives me false hope all over again..
I guess I thought if I keep in touch and try to prove to her how much I love her she might give us a chance rather than NC and her thinking well he obviously doesn't care.
I am going out for a friends birthday and she will be out in town too so I am going to find it very hard but I will say hello and keep my distance.
I can say I do love her enough to leave her alone if that's what she wants but I know she doesn't, that last message she sent me was because I was very harsh and said I know I hurt you but think about me, you want to be friends how will I get over you so lets call it a day now.
I will keep my distance from now, maybe send the occasional text once a week or two to see how she is and that's all.
I know everyone finds a break up hard but not sleeping for over a month (I am now suffering from insomnia), literally thinking about her every second of the day has made me ill & neglect work etc, and I am trying so hard, people tell me to move on and get with another girl, I could do that but it would be wrong as that girl would mean nothing to me.. I guess the answer is time right?
Thanks guys.

You say the relationship was on and off, for two years,so I take it neither of you were fully committed to each other. Unless you are saying that each time you cheated, the two of you broke up?

Regardless of the cause of the breakup, to keep things hanging on a thread is not very healthy or productive. If the relationship was to have worked out in the first place, you would't be in the spot you are in now.

It is a very bad idea to give anybody your passwords- to anything. I presume that this is her way of making sure you aren't cheating? And why would it matter to her, you've broken up. Please reset your passwords, and don't allow her this access. It is a bad idea under the best of circumstances.

I don't know really what you expect. If you had not cheated, or chose instead to work on the relationship instead of habitually cheating, that would be a different matter if you were just having normal relationship problems. But, it is very difficult to establish trust after being cheated on, and obviously she cannot trust you.

That being said, it might be time to put the past in the past, and if what you want is a committed relationship, then go and look for one with someone more compatible. Sometimes things just don't work out, for whatever reason, and to hang on hoping that things will just work out, doesn't seem to be happening here.

Don't allow yourself to continue to hold out hope, when there is none. While it is painful now, that will pass.

I don't know what to tell you about the tattoo. If it was to impress her, or show her how much you love her, I doubt that would fix all the problems of the past two years. Time to move on.

I think it's time for you to move on without her.

As the adage says, "you don't know what you got til it's gone". Problem is that it's way too late to fix this relationship.

Sorry about your situation, but it's time to accept the fact that you broke up and move on.

Thanks Jake2008,
I regret what I did and nothing can change now, I tried to get her back, appologised tried to do nice things etc but your right once the trust is gone its gone :(
I decided to go NC after speaking to her on Saturday but she called me 3times in a row yesterday so I thought I better speak to her..
She told me how she misses me so much and Im the only person who knows and understands her properly, but then she said "im not telling you this because I want to get back with you"! I kept it civil, she was trying hard to make conversation and we spoke for 10 minutes and then I said I better go now and she was fine and said "ok I will speak to you soon.....maybe"
That was the end of line for me, now she is trying to hurt me back so I will go NC and stick to it, I am paying for my mistakes and don't need her rubbing in my face..
I have changed my passwords, I can't change my number so will just have to ignore her calls if she does ring again.

I am definitely scared to be alone which is making this whole situation seem harder but I have promised myself to stay single and get my life on track first so I don't make the same mistakes again!
Thank you all for your advise, it has been very helpful - I am getting laser treatment on the tattoo so is gone I was not thinking straight and thought this is the best way for her to know she can trust me and I won't nobody else - silly idea now I think of it!

God bless you all.

Comment on Jake2008's post

A quick question, as in concrete plan how do you mean? Counselling etc is not possible as she isn't with me, but she says she is scared of getting hurt and her parents will never accept me because of what I have done.. too late for a concrete plan?

What I meant by concrete plan was based on what you said. She is still in regular contact with you, and wants to be friends. Those are good signs, if, you want them to be.

I think the lack of trust (ie the passwords etc.) is a symptom of her not completely letting go.

If you were to talk to her about the possibility of speaking to a professional counsellor, a couples counsellor in particular, perhaps she would be willing. At least willing enough to mend enough of your history together in order to remain friends, and not leave any lingering difficulty.

If it works, that's great. But, if it is clear that no reconcilliation will take place, other than at best, friendship, then you should both respect eachother's privacy, and that includes her not having access to your personal information.

Threads merged

Hi all, I wish so badly I did NC, its been over 3 months since she left me but I feel like it happened yesterday.
Quick update she left me because I didn't treat her right and her parents were totally against me different religion etc..

Basically we talk every other day, I wait for her to contact me which she does, but its just random stuff about her uni work etc, but last week she needed to borrow money so she asked me, I must admit I offered a few times but she said no at first.. I felt good thinking I was the one she could speak to regarding her financial issue over her family and friends but now I think I must have 'MUG' across my forehead!
She now contacts me by text everyday but I think its because she feels obliged to until she pays me back!

She will be on Wednesday and said she would rather pay me back in person rather than a bank transfer but I think I will ask for the bank transfer now..
I really don't know what to do, I kept in touch with her hoping that me being there for her showing how much I have changed (stopped smoking after 10years etc) would show I can be a better man but it hasn't done nothing, if anything she keeps going on about how she is happy we can still be friends etc, but deep down its killing me..
The other day she asked me if I find it hard to talk to her, I said no and it made her upset and she said she will just speak to me later without an explanation, I know she wanted to hear that I find it hard as I have been acting as though I am perfectly fine being friends, but I thought what's the point of telling her how I really feel when she doesn't...
What should I do! Get my money back this week and tell her the truth and that I don't need or want her as a friend only more or nothing?
I tried to stick in there hoping she would change her mind but 3months on and nothing, I know she is single but that doesn't mean anything..
I have a couple of girls willing to go out with me I wonder if I should tell her see if she gets upset or encourages me!
The worst thing is I don't think her actions are pre-planned she is just a confused and immature at times person so totally throws me off!
I have really tried everything, I grovelled for a month and that made her more distant, now me acting just like a friend nothing more is bringing her closer so I don't know if I should hang in there and wait or confront her about it all..
Please help me I need someone to point me in the right direction!
I try NC but she contacts me and I find it too hard to ignore her, and the times I have her mates have called me up telling me about all the problems she has in her family etc which makes me feel I need to be there.. I know she must seem very immature but I was in the relationship and she is now, but I love her that bonf I had with her I never had with my other ex's not even close.. |I treated her badly as I was too scared like it was too good to be true and I always thought one day I would lose her as I am not what her parents want, they are too materealistic.
Thanks for reading...

Do you have a question?

I think you should do NC. You don't have a functional relationship. Have her transfer your money to you and be done with it.