I'm 49, she is 42, and we have been engaged for a year. Two months ago we moved into my place and have both gone through some stressful times professionally and medically to the point of hurting each others feelings and now she wants to move out and have some time alone for us each to cool off, and work on our problems. She has not moved out yet, and may not, and I have not pushed her to. I did ask for the engagement ring back because of all that has happened and since we set no date for a wedding. I do love her and don't know what to do, but just give her time to see what happens?

Hurting and fighting are one procces that everyone should go through in relationship, atm your walking on bumpy part of the relationship, as for now it is wise for you both to sit and talk openly to each other, calm down and honestly I have to disagree with your action of taking back the engagement ring because I don't know somehow for me it feels kind of harsh to her,it would make her feel being unwanted and hurt her more not to mention that it would make you look like you don't want the engagement. And skyhawk I agree that sometimes there are situations where you should 'wait for time' but there are also situations where you should 'make the time',if it were me in your situation I would talk openly with her especially since you both live under same roof

I am so sorry to hear you are both going through this stressful situation. I would have her sit down with you and ask her to please be open with you so that you both could have a better relationship together and if you do love her as much as you say you do then give her some space. I am sure she will com through for you and if she hasn't moved out then its because she loves you so much also, you should both think about taking a small trip some where and start working on the relationship.

Good Luck! To you both

Asking for space is like wanting to break up.

I would suggest that you both sit down and list out the issues and try to work them out one by one. However, the important part is to ensure that when you're working things out, speak calmly. It's suppose to be a discussion and not an argument.

If after you listed the issues, tried to work them out and still can't find some common ground, then decide what's the next best step.

Lastly, I feel that asking for the ring back is very premature. I get the feeling that you may not be a very patient person. So if you do choose to have a discussion with her to work out your problems, just make sure that you give each other the opportunity to express yourselves. Don't interrupt each other when you're trying to speak.

Well it's easy for people to tell you not to ask for the ring back when they didn't shell out the dough. Many a woman has walked off with the ring never to be seen again.
(Many a man has received expensive gifts from a woman and split too.)
It has nothing to do with her space, and she's the one wanting space anyway. How can she have 'space' with a ring winking and blinking at her? Maybe she wants the ring more. (Now I'm being catty, sorry.)

It's good that she hasn't left yet. It's good that you are testing living together. I'm a big fan of a plan, where you sit down and make a list of all those pesky little things each person is secretly stewing about, like who puts their wet towel on top of whose or how to close a cabinet door quietly. As for medical, I hope that's resolved. Professional? Who works longer hours and harder than the other and so needs the other to bring drink and slippers and not have to load the dishwasher? That kind of problem? Put them on the list.

I thought that in asking for space by moving out she was breaking up with me too. I concluded that she thought we where finished, and that she did not intend to ever marry me, and she was just trying to make it a softer breakup. This conclusion of course could be unfounded, negative and premature.

It will be very difficult to move her house full of belongings from my once nearly empty home. I thought I should just as well ask for the ring back, but felt guilty after the crying and hurt it obviously caused both of us. Several family members input was a contributor as to my decision to ask for the ring back. Now I wish I never asked for it back that night. It would have been better to ask for it back weeks or months later if she felt there was no future to our relationship. I promised her that the ring is for her and that in the future I hope "we could rewind our relationship", as she says, and ask her to marry me with a date if we can work it out. We also agreed that we are not looking for someone new and have no intention to.

By you telling her that you want the ring back, you're basically telling her that you're giving up on the relationship. I doubt that's what she's looking for. I think that she was looking for reassurance from you. The trust is badly shaken in the relationship right now, it's going to take some work and patience to earn it back.

Thank you for all the responses. Unfortunately the truth is that it is all about trust and we are both talking and mature enough to work through this I believe. Feelings have been hurt on both sides and I'm willing to admit we both are in the wrong. I for not being a good nurse that was stressed when she was down and out in bed for a week after a procedure that is still healing since before Thanksgiving. I said, and did some things that hurt her, and not paying enough attention to her etc. And her for leaving me at home alone bed ridden on cruches with the healing knee from orthoscopic procedure and complications from a blood clot that put me in the hospital for 3 days that I am still home for going on 3 weeks now Short Term Disability. The part that really hurt me was she only told me she was leaving town a day before she did. No flight numbers, airport or times, then just disappeared from work Thursday afternoon and returned late Sunday night after New Years. I texted her Thursday about 6pm thinking she would be home to pack and fly out, to get a response that she was already at her family reunion destination, but missed me and would have no cell ph. Coverage. I only heard back from her Sunday afternoon that when she was about to return and was missing home, me and hoped my knee was doing better? I know I did and said things that hurt her, but she got even with me on this and had some space? I just want us to work it out.

I'm obviously odd person out here. I stand by my thoughts. You have been engaged a YEAR. You should be making wedding plans, not figuring out how to move her vast amount of stuff somewhere else. If your story is not leaving anything vital out, then she shouldn't be crying over the ring while wanting to move out in the same breath. She should have said, we need to talk or we need counseling or anything but the old 'I need space' routine. She doesn't get the ring back in my book, not that easily. But hey, let us know what happens. It never hurts to get all kinds of advice since you do what you do anyway.

I don't care who did what, apologize, and start over, and when feelings have cooled down talk like grown people, or guess what, you will be like all the impulsive youngsters, broken up with hurt feelings, and resentments. It really does come down to knowing when to shut up, because nobody can make a point to a mad, person with hurt feelings. One thing that mature couples discover very soon, is the rules of engagements for disagreeing. Stress is no excuse for impulsive behavior, or words, because you should know what hurts, and what doesn't.

Better to shut up, and give what comes from your mouth some thought before hand. Hurt feelings don't care who was wrong, or who was right, they just want to get their licks in, and that resolves nothing.

Quote:

---

By you telling her that you want the ring back, you're basically telling her that you're giving up on the relationship. I doubt that's what she's looking for. I think that she was looking for reassurance from you. The trust is badly shaken in the relationship right now, it's going to take some work and patience to earn it back.

---

"I Wish" Great summary. She now plans to move out and live somewhere away from me since we do not have an engagement due to my wrong move in asking for the ring back and her new found guilt in living with someone that she may never marrying because of lost trust, and what has happened. I need to build back the trust now like you said, and wonder how best to do this, and how long will it take? It sure is quick to lose and long to regain trust with someone. Would have, should have, could have, but I blew it, now I will pay...