I'm 17, in 12th grade. And live with my mother who is divorced and remarried in Massachusetts. They have been married for about 6 years now, living together for 7 and I feel like I should have put a bullet in my head years ago for ruining my mom's life. My stepfather is the one who makes me feel this way. On a regular basis he always tells me that I'm an irresponsible, selfish, useless, b**** who needs to learn to think about others. He hates most of my friends for no real reason and takes away my sources of communication so I can't talk to them or see them then dictates when I can and cannot go out.

When he started coming around my house to date my mom, he would talk to me about my father. He convinced at 10 year old me that my father did not love me because he kept moving around the state and didn't try to see me a whole lot. Everything went down hill from there. A few years later he sent me to therapy because I had "problems" and "didn't know how to behave at home"; I was pulled about 2 months later after I started enjoying going there. Since 8th grade I have off and on slit my wrists because I feel I have no other way of coping with the stress. He tells me that I'm stupid and that he'll pull me from the school I'm in because "he" doesn't want to pay my tuition for me to just be an idiot (note: my mother pays for it, he does nothing for my sister or I, he just pays the bills for the house, no groceries or pet bills either).

I have often thought about suicide, but every time someone sees a sign of something and tells me how bad losing someone is, so I usually end up cutting myself or falling out of reality for a day or two. The guilt from all of my thoughts and the feelings of ruining my mom's life are excrutiating. I feel as though I should never have been born and that my life has no meaning. I've tried to go to another psychiatrist to help me cope with stress (I get very ill from stress, mentally and physically), but he has always stopped my mom from finding someone for me, saying there is nothing I could be stressed about. I don't know if I can make it until I move out... but I just need to know if it is emotional abuse and what I should do to make my life less miserable and worthless

The first thing that strikes me is that you don't say one peep about your mother's feelings and actions. Does she protect you, support you at all? She must - she is sending you to private school, but she isn't doing what you really want probably; dumping him. Is she aware of how you feel, exactly as you write it here? Why not, if not? Why do you feel so guilty? He was wrong to try to poison you against your father. He may have had some fantasy that you would instantly love him and when you didn't, he started not wanting you around. Your mother owes you love too (first I would say) and you shouldn't be blaming yourself for what she might be going through as far as wanting you to get along with him.
I would expand on what you say here, in writing, and give it to your mother to read. Plan a time to talk together alone.
Then
You need to start planning your future as an adult. Will you be going to college? Far away? Where does your father stand in all this? Do you think you can go out into the world without all this baggage? Keep in mind that there are thousands of teens in your situation, probably even at one big university, and there may be self help groups if the despair follows you away from home.
Put a calendar on the wall and mark off the days until graduation. GET OUT as soon as you take your last exam. Start working on your freedom now, and begin with where you will live this summer. How about summer school at the college you will attend? Get a jump on freshman year.

My mom suffers from stress endured spastic colon and chronic migraines from a nerve bundle at the base of her skull. This causes her to spend a lot of time upstairs in her bed, having taken some heavy medication, trying to sleep it off. Most everything that happens occurs when she is upstairs and I am not allowed to go and see her because I would be being "a selfish and rude disruption" even though he and my sister are allowed up there to talk to her.

She dies send me to private school, but I only wanted to go for my first year, these other three years have been because she thinks that is what's best for me, which I do appreciate her be so willing to give so much for my education.

I have tried to talk to my mother about all of thus, but for the past seven ish years she has just said it's teenaged angst and that I'll get over it and I need to lighten up, but at the same time she has agreed thatch doesn't always act appropriately, but she makes no real efforts to stop the way he treats me. Most of the time, she begets witnesses the events first hand, she gets him going up to tell her how her daughter is rude and disrespectful and essentially tattler on me to her, so she is able to hear his side but usually not mine. I feel guilty because they fight all the time and at least 86% ofnit is caused by something I did. I feel as though I am ruining my mothers life and causing her all of this unnecessary stress. I dontnthink she truly understands how horrible I feel and how unsafe I feel in my house. When he comes home, I only want to go and lock myself in a dark room so he can't find me.

My father has never really been there, throughout my childhood he neglected me no matter what I did to try and get him to love me. I would sit and hang out with him and his friends, who were almost always over, and try to be one of them. I was told that ine day I went up to my mom and asked her why he loved his video games more than he loved us. I see him once or twice a year because he lives about five hours away I. Maine and it's hard to find the time. As he has gotten older and developed a disease in his nerve endings, he has outmmore effort into seeing me, but the distance is still a problem.

My plan for college involves one extra year at home for massage therapy school then across state for college. It isn't very far away but my mom is the most important person in my life and I get homesick fairly easily. I am really hoping to leave all of this behind when I leave the house. I currently have a boyfriend who promised within our first two months of dating that he would help me get out of there. He's actually the one who encouraged me to try and get some help because I'm starting to lose ability to cope, which is altering hownoften I stay within reality... I've been losing touch with reality more and more frequently over the years, especially after receiving some head injuries from being clumsy.

Thank you very much, your answer really means a lot to me. It helps to know that someone does really understand.

Don't kill yourself you have a purpose in life and you won't be living with your mom forever so just ride it out.
Hang in there :)

Your mother over medicating herself so she doesn't have to face your step-father is nothing but a cope out!! Sorry to be harsh, but believe me when I say been there done that. I exremely abused as child, and my mother did nothing, she would tell me how much she loved me. I always thought she didn't kick his backside out because she was so sick, and needed him to take care of her, she was always so sick, had her fist heart attach at 39yrs. Anyway she was always laying down.

I took care of everything, cooking,cleaning,laundry,bills,grocery shopping, heck I was even drivng illegal before was suppose to so I could get to store to buy her cigarettes. I have learned over the years, that she was not as sick as she made out, but she didn't want to deal with my father.

I got out mid-term, and she learned to get herself out of bed when no one was around to do everything for her!!

Stop thinking you are going to get any true love from this step father, you just need to survive to get out and then you will learn that love is not something that you have to beg for its given freely.

Stop the cutting crap, you doing exactly samething as your mother, just different way, neither one of you are dealing with the crap your going through. She is sleeping all the time hoping it will go away, and you are cutting yourself so you don't have to be numb in life.

Try to talk to your mother about getting you back into therapy, you need to have that help. I wish you the best,please keep in touch. Take care

This is an excerpt from a book. It's about a pregnant teenager, but I believe it can help anyone who's feeling hopeless, sad, or searching for peace.

Here's the excerpt. The verses are from the King James Bible, and what Christy's telling Nikki is true. The people are fictional, but this situation is totally realistic:

Christy calmed her down again before attempting to speak. "I know you feel lonely, but you can always talk to me. And, even if you can't talk to me, you can still talk to God."

Nikki sniffled. "God?"

Christy nodded. "Nikki, I... well, I haven't been the best friend I could be. I've been a horrible Christian lately, but I'm trying to change that, and... well, I think it's better if I tell this to you when it seems like it's too late than if I think it won't do any good and never tell you. You see, Jesus, who is God's one and only Son, died on a cross for our sins. He came down to earth and was born to a woman named Mary, who was a virgin. He grew up into a man, and when He was thirty, He started teaching people on earth. Then, when He was thirty-three, He let Jewish soldiers arrest Him and take Him to a Jewish court. Even though He had never done anything wrong - not once in His life, because He was perfect - they took Him to a Roman court, like going from a state court to a national one.

"Then, they whipped Him and took Him to a hill called Calvary where they nailed Him to a wooden cross and crucified Him - they killed Him. And even though He was God's Son and He could have called all the angels in heaven to take Him down and kill the soldiers who crucified Him, He let them kill Him. That was because He loved us, and His blood had to be shed for us to go to heaven. Well, some people who had followed Him during His life put Him in a tomb. But then, three days later, a bunch of women went to the tomb to put spices and perfumes on Him, and He was gone! You see, because He was God's Son, He had come back to life. And because He came back to life, we can go to heaven someday when we die. Our sins are washed off by the blood Jesus lost on the cross. Am I making sense?"

Nikki nodded and sniffed. She'd gone to a few Christmas services with Christy in years past, so she'd heard something similar to this.

"Well, when we die, we go to one of two places - heaven or hell. Hell is where the people who never believed in Jesus or His Father go, because they have to pay for all their sins. Heaven is where Christians go - true Christians, who believe in Jesus and have asked Him to save them from their sins. Not Christians who say they're Christians just because they go to a certain church."

Nikki sat taking all this in for a minute. The Christmas messages she'd heard were starting to come back. She had never paid very much attention, but fragments of the pastor's words were coming to mind. She asked, "Well... what do I have to do to believe in Jesus?"

Christy smiled. "That's simple. You just pray to Him and tell Him you believe that He died for you and that you want Him to come into your heart and live in you. But first, you have to be sure that you really believe what you're saying - just saying the words don't do anything. And you have to pray because you believe in Him, not because you're afraid of going to hell. Are you sure you believe in Jesus and God?"

"Well... how do I know for sure if I believe in Him? I mean, I guess I kind of wonder... how do I know you're not making this up?"

"Because God tells everybody in the Bible about Jesus. He also tells us about people who lived back before Jesus, and some people who lived after Jesus. It tells us about how the world was made and how we should live. But because the story of Jesus and salvation - which is what it's called when you become a true Christian and Jesus lives in you - is more important than any of the other stories, He put in four different accounts of it. He told men what to write, and they wrote it, so we can know how to go to heaven someday."

Nikki nodded.

"Do you want me to go get my Bible? I can show you."

Nikki nodded. "It's not like I don't believe you or anything. But... could you show me?"

Christy jumped up. "Sure. I'll be right back." She ran out the door, not bothering to shut it. After a few minutes, she returned with a red, leather-bound book in her hand.

"Here, look at this." She opened the book to a bookmarked spot. The pages were covered in marks, underscores, and notes, but the tiny letters were still legible. Every few lines, there was a tiny number. "The four accounts of Jesus' story are Matthew, Mark, Luke, and John. Each one tells it a little differently - like four people telling the same story the way it happened to them, or seeing a car crash from four different angles. John chapter three tells about one of the rulers, Nicodemus, coming to see Jesus at night." She pointed at a spot with the number three in front of it. Nikki read over her shoulder while Christy read aloud. "These numbers mark the verses. Look at what Jesus told Nicodemus in verses three through six:

'Jesus answered and said unto him, Verily, verily, I say unto thee, Except a man be born again, he cannot see the kingdom of God. Nicodemus saith unto him, How can a man be born when he is old? Can he enter the second time into his mother's womb, and be born? Jesus answered, Verily, verily, I say unto thee, Except a man be born of water and of the Spirit, he cannot enter into the kingdom of God. That which is born of the flesh is flesh; and that which is born of the Spirit is spirit.'

Basically, Jesus told Nicodemus that you have to be saved to go to heaven. 'Born again' is just another way of saying 'saved.' God's kingdom is heaven. Got that?"

Nikki nodded and waited for Christy to continue.

"Well, let me show you another passage - a set of verses. It's not in the Gospels, which are the four books that tell the story of Jesus, but it's in a book called Romans. Romans is a special book in the Bible - it basically tells everything true Christians believe, and it has a simple explanation of how to be saved." She flipped the pages until she reached a earmarked page. "Look here, in chapter three, verses nine and ten:

'What then? Are we better than they? No, in no wise: for we have before proved both Jews and Gentiles, that they are all under sin. As it is written, There is none righteous, no, not one.'

Here, Paul, the man God used to write Romans, is saying that everybody is a sinner. We've all done wrong in our life - telling a lie or committing a murder are both the same in God's eyes: just plain sin. Do you understand?"

Nikki nodded. "Definitely."

Christy turned a few pages and pointed to another spot. "Now, read this. It's Romans chapter six, verse twenty-three:

'For the wages of sin is death; but the gift of God is eternal life through Jesus Christ our Lord.'

This means that sin separates us from God forever. Since He can't see sin - after all, He's perfect - all sinners have to die spiritually and go to hell. But that was why Jesus came to earth and died on that cross; He and God loved us so much that They wanted us to stay with Them in heaven. So Jesus died for our sins instead of us. Because He's God's Son, He brought Himself back to life three days later. Now, look at this last verse." She turned the page and showed Nikki a verse marked with a thirteen. "Romans chapter ten, verse thirteen:

'For whosoever shall call upon the name of the Lord shall be saved.'

This is how we know we're saved when we ask Jesus to wash away our sins. He comes in our hearts and lives there forever until we die. Then we can go to heaven because our sins aren't there anymore. See?"

Nikki nodded. "I get it. I want to get saved. But I've never prayed before. What do I do? How do I tell Jesus I believe in Him?"

"You just... tell Him. You talk to Him, like you're talking to me. You tell Him that you believe in Him, and you want Him to save you and live in your heart forever. You can also tell Him anything you want, like about Matt or the baby. Do you want me to pray with you?"

Nikki nodded, and Christy folded her hands, closed her eyes, and bowed her head. Nikki watched and did the same thing.

"Dear Jesus... " Christy waited for Nikki to say the words.

"Dear Jesus."

"I know that I am a sinner."

"I know that I am a sinner."

"I believe that You died on the cross for me."

"I believe that You died on the cross for me."

"Please come into my heart and wash away my sins."

"Please come into my heart and wash away my sins."

"I also want to tell You... " Christy let the sentence hang, and Nikki finished her prayer.

"I also want to tell You that... I don't know what to do. I... I met this guy, Matt, and now I'm... pregnant. And... and I just need help. I guess if You're God's Son then You can tell Him that I really... well, I could really use some help right now. I don't know if I should have the... the baby, or an abortion, or give it up for adoption, or what. But I... I want to do the right thing. So, please help me." Nikki paused, not sure what to say.

"Amen," Christy prompted.

"Amen." Nikki looked at Christy. "Thank you, so much. I... I still don't know what to do, but somehow I feel better about it... like everything will be okay."

I hope that helps you. Remember, there are people who love you, and suicide is never the answer.

I know my cutting is wrong and suicide isn't the answer, but I feel like I'm running out of options. I haven't cut because it is like what my mother is doing, but it's the inky way of coping with stress I have.

I saw my school counselor for advice on how to get myself into therapy, I sat with her for about an hour and she told me to go to the doctor; to get my head looked at because stress has been causing migraines almost all day every day and she said I should go back to therapy. I told my mom j wanted to go to the doctor for my head but she refused until almost a week later when my head didn't stop hurting then she came with me, so I didn't have the time I needed to talk to the doctor.

My problems at home are affecting the way I interact with other people. I'm starting to lose basic abilities to talk to someone without thinking they will hurt me. I've been very sensitive to what people say and so afraid of those I love leaving me for something better. I feel I'm losing everything I love in life.

I appreciate the passage from the story, but I'm sorry to say it did not help. Aside from the fact that I am religious in no way and honestly dislike the concept of religion, it really does not feel as though anyone is there to live me. Its been years since I felt I could be saved...

I don't want to push you, but I need to point out that what I have isn't just religion. It may seem like it is, but what I have is really a relationship with a living God. Please reconsider. Your future in life AND death depends on it.

I don't really have a relationship with any form of a god.. but thank you for looking out for my well being

Kyu745,

Of course you feel alone, been there. You look around and what society describes as normal and realize that they have no idea what living hell is right here on earth and if they did, they wouldn't be smiling and doing all that fake crap to be noticed!!

I have to tell you, when I finally got old enough and removed myself from the abuse, it still took me awhile to understand. You see it not really society that has the problem, it was me. I didn't know how to walk among them. When you live in survival mode all the time its hard to give that protection shield up. That's why you cut, so you can get through the shield of protection and FEEL anything. No one wants to go around being a unfeeling rag doll.

We see others, how they laugh, can go and interact with other without consequences. They have friends, hey they seem to have it all, but most of all they seem to have a normal family. I can remember a friend of mine who's parents went through a terrible divorce and I still thought they had more of normal life then I could ever hope too.

When you finally, and I do mean, Finally really open up and let others in, its amazing to realize that yep you went through some crap, but it is possible to have all that we deamed of having--NORMAL life.

Your going to have to continue the therapy, you are going to have to learn how to feel outside the protection shield you have buildt up without actually cutting. It won't happen overnight, but nothing ever does!! We are the ones have learned how to survive, and now we have to learn to accept that because of those shields we have a more difficult time letting go!! IT CAN BE DONE!

I did have a very strong faith with God, I think that was the only thing that kept me from going completely NUTS. But, You still have to handle your past the only way you can to survive it. Check with your counselor if there are any group sessions for children who have survived abusive childhood--or group sessions with other cutters. Learning from others does help, something may strike a cord and you maybe able to apply it to your life---keep in touch!!

One of my biggest problems is getting help for the cutting. I have it almost completely under control. I don't do it often and low pain tolerance and fear stop me from going deep at all. If you were to look at my wrists, you wouldn't find any evidence of it.

My boyfriend has tried to reassure me that when I'm out of the house, my emotional stability will significantly improve and I will be happier, but it's starting to feel like I will never be able to leave.

I have actually been considering showing my counselor this, but I'm afraid of the confrontation it would lead to in order to get me help. I don't want her to look into the more serious looking problem that really isn't as bad as it seems

Kyu745,


You are living in a messed up situation right now. I cannot guarantee you that as soon as you are out of the house that everything is going to fall in to place for you. Like I said before for me it took time to adjust, and it wasn't all easy to take in.

When live for the day to get out and you have convienced yourself that when that day comes everything will be NORMAL and you will be safe and NO ONE is ever going to hurt you again. But, then here comes reality, and normal to us isn't, and there is still hurt to deal with even in what I use call "normalville". I found out that still not being accepted by others was extrememy hurtful, or still not being able to be in complete control of everything made me stress out!! Certain things would effect my mood by making me remember a terrible time growing up.

I would strongly ask that you please use that strength that you have to please go ahead show the counselor your cutting marks. Let he/she know what extent you are needing to escape. You have already proven, at least to me as a survivor that you have a lot of guts and want to succeed in life. Please don't give up now, take the step to really healing and stop the cutting before you do start going further and deeper!!

If I could I would give you big hug! Take care!!

Yeah, I've figured I will have a hard time adjusting because it is all so foreign, but I have someone whose confident in me and tries his best to help. I'm hoping going out into the world with him will lessen the impact of change

The problem with showing my counselor is that I have no marks. The only time you can see any scar is in summer when my skin gets some color, otherwise I am almost porcelain and it's almost impossible to see. Since they aren't deep or ultimately dangerous, they heal fairly quickly too. I have actually been clean from it for a few months now.

It has actually improved, I was near uncontrollable a few years ago, but I've learned that going deeper didn't make it better, just made it easier and not as painful, oddly enough

Thank you, I love hugs and I appreciate all your advice

Granted it's a very tough situation you find yourself in but, the good news its only temporary because you will be free to find your own solutions, soon as you leave high school, and explore a whole new world.

Its got to be rough having no adult male support system, and I can imagine all the stress that's caused by the constant berating from someone that's supposed to be helpful, and not harmful. He obviously has bigger problems than you do, and someday you will see that. Its got to hurt not seeing your dad, and that adds to the stress which comes out in some very negative ways.

Tell yourself everyday that you are worth it to you, and that's all that counts. Step dad is an obstacle to be pitied, and a heavy burden to bear, but what makes you better than him, is you wouldn't treat a kid the way he does, so don't treat yourself the way he does. Sure its painful, and it seems no help in site, but there is, just love yourself when no one else does, and don't let the step dad be right about you. That's the goal, to prove his dumb a## wrong.

Despite what he may say or do, make sure YOU don't believe his words, and know he is probably just a scared little boy in a grown body, pity him, because he doesn't know how to love, so can never love and be loved, and that's a shame. You are not like him, so don't stress about him, because you do know how to love, you just have to practice loving yourself. You do that by being good to yourself, and be good to others that deserve that love.

Maybe your mom can't help you as much as she should, but you can help yourself, and until you see a doctor, which is pretty crucial, ask your counselor what you can do in the meantime. Exercise is a great stress reliever an a regular work out of thirty minutes every other day will do wonders as you build yourself esteem, that step dad has been chipping away at all your life. That's my point, no matter what he says, just don't take it personally, nor believe him for a minute.

He probably learned to be the a$$ he is from someone treating him the same way he is treating you, so don't be like him, I doubt you will, but be better. Got any heroes, or positive role models?? Get some and emulate them. It won't be as long as you think before what he says won't matter because upon your 18th birthday, you become an adult, and get your own help, and finally be your own person, so get ready, and be a good person.

You have already come too far to quit on yourself.