Ask Me Help Desk - 15 yr old son needs help

My son is 15 and is spiraling out of control. His Dad and I have done everything we know to do. Nothing seems to really help-just when we think he has got the picture and doing better he screws up again. He is on probation for stealing, he had gotten a ticket for didorderly conduct and has community service to do and has not done that and has to go back to court next week for that. He refuses to go to scool and when he does go he doesn't do his school work. My family is falling apart because of his attitude. His father and I fight all the time over this. We both are so frustrated over this. We have another son that is 9 and I am tired of him having to see his brother act this way and seeing the turmoil he causes this family. I have searched the internet over for resources and I think one the ranches they offer for teens would be good for him. But there is no way we can afford it. Even if we did get financing to help pay for it, we are having a hard enough time paying our bills now as it is. Can anyone help? Any suggestions? What are poor people to do??

My older brother went through the same things. He was in a gang by the time he's was 14. He did drugs, and became someone we didn't know. He tore our family apart. My mom and dad finally kicked him out of the house. 1 person was tearing a dad, mom, and his 2 sisters apart without a care. It's was the only soultion they could think of after he dropped out of school in 10th grade, and tried to kill me while he was high. It hurt my folks to do it, but it worked out for the best. My brother is now 28, married and has a 5year old daughter, and another child on the way. He tells my parents all the time how sorry he is, and how they did the right thing.
The best advice that I can give you, is to do what you feel, and know is best. Sometimes that ends up being the hardest thing, and the thoughest thing that you have ever done. If you want to know more about what happened with my brother, message me and I will tell you in better detail. It all started with him stealing and spending a week in jail.

While many will say I am wrong, and it is not the first time, talk to the Juv case worker or Juv officer, since he is not doing his community servcie, see if they can sentence him to a boot camp, they force the education ( and I do mean force) they don't have a 100 percent success rate by any means but it has saved many a good kid on the borderline who has gotten into this youth culture of crime and hate

I have to say I'm not one for promoting tough love, but some people are and it works for some kids.
Some kids don't do well with the tough love approach because they feel their life has been tough enough.
Ask yourself this question: Has my sons life been tough on him?
If your answer is "no" and he's acting out because he's spoiled, then the tough love approach may benefit him.
If your answer is "yes" then it's your responsibility as his parents to come up with a solution within your home to make his quality of life more worthwhile.
This does not require you to be a slave under his wrath, however quality family time and calm discussions with your son to find out what's going on in his life/why he's acting out, may alter his bad behavior.
I know you must be a loving parent because you're reaching out to us on AMHD, finding the core problem in your sons issues is key to helping him. Find out who his friends are - are they a bad influence on him? Why doesn't he like school - is he having problems with other kids or teachers?
In your eyes you may feel that your husband and you work real hard to care, love, and provide for the family to make ends meet (I totally relate), but in your sons eyes, it's possible that he feels unnoticed and uncared for - which couldn't be further away from the truth.
Try calmly talking to him, stress that you love him and want to help him. First sign that tempers are going to flare, take a break from talking until everyone has cooled off again.
But I always suggest not giving up on children...
I do hope things get resolved with what ever decision you make.

I am sorry that you are having a hard time….

I was there.. I was the oldest child. I have a younger sister, and brother..
I came from a very strict household. My parents put limitations on me, and I disobeyed everything that they said. I thought that I was being sneaky. From the age of 15 to 20.. I was caught shoplifting twice.. I was smoking, I was drinking, having sex, lying, and I didn't care who I hurt..

I was what you call a "bad seed".

One thing that my parents NEVER did, was argue about me in FRONT of me. I am not sure if you are doing this or not, but you should never show your child that you are fighting with your spouse. If he knows that you and your husband are fighting, he will continue to cause problems. Let him know that you have another child that you are trying to raise, and you will not let him see his brother spiral out of control.

You have to punish him. When I got arrested for shoplifting the second time, my mother told the police officer to throw me into jail for the night. They couldn't because I was a minor.. You have to take away privileges. Take away his driving permit, Do not allow him to get a job when he turns 16. Ground him. Do not allow him to go out of the house. Take away the TV, the phone, the internet. You have to have him earn this all back. This is everything that my parents did to me. You are the parent NOT him. Show him that you are the boss.

If all this fails, then threaten to kick him out of the house. See what happens. If he is anxious to leave.. Let him leave. He will come back. He needs you. He needs food, a place to stay..

Love him through this, but you have to make him EARN your respect and EARN back his privileges.
My parents took a lot away from me. But now, I am 25 and I love them more than life. They are my heroes.

You will figure it out..

Also.. One more thing to add. Keep an eye out and watch who he is hanging out with. I doubt that he is doing all this on his own. I am sure that peer pressure has a lot to do with it. If that is the case, move.. Or make him switch schools.

I really hope that this has helped. You need to put some fear in him. Don't let him tear your family apart.

Quote:

Originally Posted by nanaruth

My son is 15 and is spiraling out of control. His Dad and I have done everything we know to do. Nothing seems to really help-just when we think he has got the picture and doing better he screws up again. He is on probation for stealing, he had gotten a ticket for didorderly conduct and has community service to do and has not done that and has to go back to court next week for that. He refuses to go to scool and when he does go he doens't do his school work. My family is falling apart because of his attitude. His father and I fight all the time over this. we both are so frustrated over this. We have another son that is 9 and I am tired of him having to see his brother act this way and seeing the turmoil he causes this family. I have searched the internet over for resources and I think one the ranches they offer for teens would be good for him. But there is no way we can afford it. Even if we did get financing to help pay for it, we are having a hard enough time paying our bills now as it is. Can anyone help? Any suggestions?? What are poor people to do??????

Hey I think that you should bring him to like an AA, NA etc meeting. Even though he may not be on drugs or drinking it is possible his behavior might lead into that. Just hearing stories of how there lifes are in the dumps because they didn't want to buck up and get an edcuation this is how there lifes are. Everyone wants to be happy if he is going to act irresponibly he will never beable to live life to the fullest.
You could also bring him to a county jail for a tour maybe that will change his attitude? Who knows these days. I wish you all the luck!