Ask Me Help Desk - I just found out that I have a 13yr old daughter.

"I just found out that I have a 13yr old daughter. The mother messaged me on FB that I have seen nor talked to in over 14yrs. She said she had something that was mine and that something wanted to meet me. When I responded and said yes I wanted to she has completely backed off. She told me that she thought I would not respond so then she could tell her daughter I was not interested in like she has always told her. Her daughter has started communicating through messaging and FB. This type of contact is not easy for me. I met with a attorney and he advised me toget a DNA test done. I went to the CSEA in her county and ask for the DNA testing to be done. Upon them receiving the order to show up my daughter is not communicatiing with me. What should I do if she is bitter at me for not being there. She does not know that I never really knew about her but how do I get the message across. The test is next Monday and this will be the first time I see her. How am I suppose to act in this situation. The mother contacted me, request me to meet her, then she doesn't want it. If the girl is my daughter do I go to court and ask for Visitation or not. please help."

I live two counties away (45minutes), I mentor 1000.s of kids, own my own company and coach school sports. I have a duaghter 1 yr older than her daughter and a son 11. I have a stable family. Her mother has been married twice and has 5 children. Her daughter though another man was her real father for 10yrs before her mother told her he was not. She asked for me then but the mother said I was not interested without contacting me.

Have you saved the FB messages from the girl's mother?

Yes I have, all the messages

Yes I have everything. How do I act when I see her for the first time on Monday? Do I try to talk to her? I am a pretty strong person but this has really blown me away. I can see myself being very emotional.

There may be a chance she isn't your daughter.

I'd tell her I never knew she existed and that, if you are her father, of course you are interested in getting to know her! (This is a huge shock to her too, you know.) You may not have much opportunity to talk until after the results come back.

No matter what, don't say anything bad about her mother.

Her and my daughter are almost twins. She looks a lot like my mother. Same nose, eyes. I would give a huge chance she is. The mother has told me that there is no doubt that she is mine. If the results are positive do I ask for visitation?

The reason I ask is that if the mother is not willing tto talk to me then her daughter might be willing either. I know it will be one step at a time but I want to know her and I want her to know me.

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I want to know her and I want her to know me.

Tell her that. There will probably have to be legal/court proceedings for this, am not sure -- and support payments?

I went to the testing today and the mother has hired a attorney and did not allow her daughter to see me . I completed my portion of the testing and they would do theirs later. If she does not allow her to c me should I ask the courts for help.

If she is legally and biologically your daughter, I would think you could appeal to the courts for help. I'll PM one or more of our legal experts who can advise you better than I can.

I'm coming into this conversation late. At this point the mother has control of the child, and the mother can (and is) keeping you and the child apart. Until you are recognized as the father (through DNA testing) the mother gets to make all of the decisions.

There must be some sort of legal action already underway if the County is supervising the DNA testing (at a Court-recognized facility). Did you file a Petition? Did the mother? (It sounds like you did.)

Yes, if you are the father you can file a Petition (depending on what has already been filed) requesting visitation. The Court will hear the child and the child's wishes concerning visitation but has no obligation to follow those wishes. Unless you are unfit or a danger to the child you will be given visitation. The problem is going to be how to get the child to agree to visitation. At her age you can't force her to meet with you, stay with you, without some serious emotional problems for both of you.

You will undoubtedly be ordered to pay support BUT support goes back to the date the Petition was filed, not to the date of birth.

I would request the Court to have a Court-appointed legal guardian for the child speak to all parties - you, the mother, the child (and perhaps a counsellor of some sort) in order to sort all of this out. This may be automatic in your State.

That person will make a recommendation based on what is best for the child. It would appear that the child has some pre conceived notions concerning you (as well as her mother) and you will undoubtedly need a third party to sort out her emotions and address her concerns. It is not going to be easy if her mother has been "brain washing" her since birth.

I'm somewhat confused and concerned that the mother is playing games - she contacts you on FB, she allows her daughter to be in contact with you... and then she withdraws? Does the mother have emotional issues of some sort? I realize you haven't seen her in a long time and maybe you don't know. I can't understand the mother's purpose in contact you in the first place.

But that's for the mother's Attorney to figure out.

As Wondergirl said if you are the father you're going to have to be very careful not to criticize the mother. It appears the daughter has been told you walked away; it appears you didn't know there was a pregnancy and/or child; the child is going to be caught right in the middle, loyal to the mother who raised her, interested in you and your life as her father.

How soon are you supposed to get the DNA results?

First please stop using the comment feature to answer, back with info, actually answer your own question, it allows for more info to be given and is the proper procedure.

Next most likely the mother wanted you to be the bad guy, and has lied and told the girl a lot of negitivie things,

What you need to do is first do the DNA test. It is very possible that you and the girl will not be at the lab at the same time to (met) I know here they have the two people come at different times just for that reason.

Next you don't try to make up anything, you just be honest

After the mother contacted me the first time on Facebook I contacted a attorney to see what kind of rights I had. The first thing he said I needed to do was to figure out if she had ever been adopted since she carried the mothers first husbands last name. He told me to go to the CSEA in that county and file the paperwork that is used to order DNA testing. The lady at the CSEA then contacted the courts and found out that they did a legal name chance and no adoption never happened. So she then order that the testing be completed. In this county the courts work with the CSEA so everything only needs to be done once. The testing was completed on Monday and they told me it would be two to three weeks.

The young girl contacted me and told me she did not want to go to court in a text message and I ask her what she was talking about. She told me her mother told her that I was going to take them to court. I told her that I had no intentions of going to court at this time. I also told her that lets wait and see how the results come back, that I would not contact her but she could contact me at any time or moment and I would be there for her. I told her the door is completely open and I will be ready to meet her whenever she is ready.

She is carrying out a relationship through Facebook and texting with my daughter (her sister) as we speak. My daughter is the 8th grade and she is in the 8th grade.

I have not said one negative thing about her mother to her. I told her when she ask me through a text message why I wasn't there for her her entire life that that would be a conversation we could have if we ever meet each other in person. That that was not a good text messaging conversation. She is 13 and going through a lot. She really has no real male supervision or father figure at this point. Her emotions are all over the place. I sometimes wish it would be easy for me to stop the relationship on Facebook because I hate looking at all the drama in her life that she posts on there. I am not a drama person and she needs a father. I just need the chance to sit down with her sometime soon but I am not sure if that will ever happen.

If she asks for support should I ask for visitation or should I just completely back off?

Excuse me my daughter is in the 9th grade not 8th.

Wow! Her mother is such a negative influence on her. Right now at least, brief and clear messages are all you should send her. Long, complicated ramblings and explanations will be subject to misunderstandings/misinterpretations, deliberate or otherwise.

That age (13) is full of drama anyway, so her role in all this will be up for an Academy Award.

Be patient and be a solid rock as much as you can right now. It sounds like you are doing a good job so far.

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Originally Posted by taneace

After the mother contacted me the first time on facebook I contacted a attorney to see what kind of rights I had. The first thing he said I needed to do was to figure out if she had ever been adopted since she carried the mothers first husbands last name. He told me to go to the CSEA in that county and file the paperwork that is used to order DNA testing. The lady at the CSEA then contacted the courts and found out that they did a legal name chance and no adoption never happened. So she then order that the testing be completed. In this county the courts work with the CSEA so everything only needs to be done once. The testing was completed on Monday and they told me it would be two to three weeks.

The young girl contacted me and told me she did not want to go to court in a text message and I ask her what she was talking about. she told me her mother told her that I was going to take them to court. I told her that I had no intentions of going to court at this time. I also told her that lets wait and see how the results come back, that I would not contact her but she could contact me at any time or moment and I would be there for her. I told her the door is completely open and I will be ready to meet her whenever she is ready.

She is carrying out a relationship through facebook and texting with my daughter (her sister) as we speak. My daughter is the 8th grade and she is in the 8th grade.

I have not said one negative thing about her mother to her. I told her when she ask me through a text message why i wasn't there for her her entire life that that would be a conversation we could have if we ever meet each other in person. That that was not a good text messaging conversation. She is 13 and going through a lot. she really has no real male supervision or father figure at this point. Her emotions are all over the place. I sometimes wish it would be easy for me to stop the relationship on facebook because I hate looking at all the drama in her life that she posts on there. I am not a drama person and she needs a father. I just need the chance to sit down with her sometime soon but I am not sure if that will ever happen.

If she asks for support should I ask for visitation or should I just completely back off?

You need to use extreme caution at this point in time. You also need to be sure that ANY contact meets the mothers approval. If I were you I would seek a way through the mother to allow visits by phone at this point. You have no clue who it is on the other end of the keyboard. If the mother requires you to go through the courts then you will have no choice and to your daughter ( if that was really her ) will think you lied.

Right now IS NOT the time to blow it nor any future with her. As you said the door is open but lets make sure its not Pandora's box. Messages can come from anyone. And from the sounds of it since mommy dearest has already lawyered up she is ready to play all the games. And having been divorced 2 times as you had said as well as 5 children. Your way in over your head. Be very very careful. What did your laywer say about contact and how to proceed at this point?

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Originally Posted by taneace

excuse me my daughter is in the 9th grade not 8th.

Do you by any change live in VA? My fiancé just found he also has a 13 year old daughter but the way things have happened have been very strange. The mother of the girl says she doesn't want anything, that the girl has been wanting to meet him.

This person has not posted since January of 2011.

It is possible - and I locate people - that the daughter simply wants to know her father, his family history, wants some connection to him. It isn't always about the money.

What is the strange circumstance in your instance?