Hi,
I am new to this site and very pleased to have found it. I thought I was alone in my feelings and now see that I'm not so would really appreciate some advice please.

I been with my man for 3 years, we have both been married before and there wasn't much of a break before we got together, however we took it pretty slow at first and our relationship flourished.
We get along really well together, going out dancing, meals, walking or just spending time doing 'sudoko'. So we enjoyed everything together including deep 'life' conversations.
We are also quite selfish, perhaps because of our marriages and not wanting to be taken for granted. Quite set in our ways I suppose. We both own our own properties and both have children, although my 3 live with me and he doesn't see his very often.
He has commented on my 4 year old son's behaviour a few times and whilst on holiday last year he left us to go to the beach (not returning unitl the evening.. ) because my son was "so intolerable"
I have my son's behaviour being assessed at the moment (it seems that he is struggling to come to terms with my divorce and misses his Daddy, also starting school and my parents emigration, so lots of change in a young life)
On new years eve he had another go about it and I got very upset and thought that he would be more supportive.
I didn't see him all week after that and just brief telephone calls and text messages.
When I asked him what was wrong he said that he was hurt by the things I had said, I told him that any mother worth her salt would defend her child.
We got off the phone and I received a text fom him saying "lets call it a day"
I couldn't believe it.. all that time and I get 'dumped by text'
I decided to be an adult and whilst I didn't want to speak to him, I sent him an email explaing how I felt. I told him I still loved him too and was willing to talk but if not then hopefully we could still be friends.
This was last Saturday and I haven't heard anything since and I am devastated.
I cannot sleep and have taken today off work. I cannot eat properly, just biscuits and crisps.
I want to speak to him but then think "why should I?" he is being the child.
I thought I meant more to him than this and can't believe that we have broken up over this, but I feel that you only get one shot as a parent and my child is very vulnerable at the moment and needs me more.
Sorry for being long.
Thanks for any advice

Hi there, welcome to the site and sorry for the hurt you are feeling.

For now don't contact him at all. Give him space to assess what and why he is feeling the way he does.

Give all the time to your child now as he seems to need a lot of love and try and find yourself again also...

In a showdown between child and lover, child wins every time. Don't doubt yourself. Leave him alone for awhile. He may realize that he was being childish and come around. If not, oh well, better to find it out sooner than later.

Your four year old's behavior is entirely predictable and understandable considering the upheavals and losses in his short life. Be there for him.

I must applaud you for standing up so strong in defense of your son. Please do not second guess your decision to do so. Even though these are trying times for you and your son, your decision to stand by him will have a positive effect on him down the road.

Obviously this man does not understand what it takes to be a parent. That point should put out a big RED flag. If he cannot support you as your son goes through a tough emotional period, how is he going to be down the road when it gets even more difficult? That coupled with his immature way of dumping you (another RED flag) should anger you a bit.

Give it time, don't contact him, even though I am sure that you want too. As time goes by you will realize that this man was not good for you or your family. Hang in there!

Yeah, you did the right thing here. Your child comes first. You ex partner dealt with things in a very immature way, and in a very selfish way. It is clear that he is thinking more about himself here than your or your child. I would say don't contact him at all. If this guy changes his mind, you might have realised by then that you don't need him after all.

Yep. He should be considerate of the fact that she is a mom

I don't know what you are going through but I can tell you that my boyfriend and his siblings have experienced parents re-marrying (3 times each parent). It has affected his love life to this very day. I'm glad to hear your son is getting help. My bf's younger brother has been in jail and is failing school, even though he's a bright kid. He is an overall problem child and might not graduate at all. If your kids are still young, you should really consider focusing on them rather than your love life. Show them that you love them unconditionally and go to family therapy. Your man should be more understanding since he's got kids of his own. If you want your relationship to work with him, you're going to have to communicate better. Text messages are crap. He's acting like a child going away for long hours and not seeing you for weeks. Maybe take him into relationship counseling. It's hard to give you advice when I don't know what your child is doing to upset him so. He's still a baby!!

Congrats to you for putting your child first - that's the way it should be.
If he has a problem with your child, then it's better you're not with him. You said it yourself - he barely sees his own kids (thats never good).
Your child is most important.
By the way... "Let's call it a day" doesn't necessarily mean "break-up". Actually, I've never heard the two compared before.

For a moment, look at things from his side. My experience comes from my ex girlfriend and me commenting on her family's behavior, which isn't the same thing, but I wouldn't call it apples and oranges either.

In my situation, my girlfriend's mother was incredibly rude to me when we first met. She didn't even say hello or look me in the eyes, just pretended I didn't exist. When I was visiting my girlfriend during her mother's birthday, we were all going to go out to eat with her mother to celebrate. Her mother didn't feel like picking up her grandmother to take out, and decided that it would be fine for me to do it. Without asking. After I'd driven 7 hours to get there. She's never even aknowledged my existence and she's putting her responsibilities on me.

The long story short, is I was very offended by this, and when I complained about how rude that is to my girlfriend, she then freaked out on me. She gave me this "this is my family and you can't talk about them that way" Etc. I wasn't saying they were bad people, I was remarking on how rude her behavior was. The point is she was so blinded by the fact that I was saying bad things about her mother, she never once stopped to consider how I felt, or that what I was saying was actually true.

The point is, he may not think your son is a bad person, he's just upset over the behavior your son is exibiting. I don't know what it is, but if it's something that can be helped, if your boyfriend feels like you're just enabling this behavior at his expense, this is how he will react. If you son is attacking him verbally or anything, I think this is how he'd feel. If your son is playing with his tonka trucks too loud and that bothers your boyfriend, then your boyfriend needs to grow up. Try to think about what he's talking about, and what you said to him. If he's left with the idea you're not interested in how he feels, then I don't blame him.

Truthfully I think he's wanted out of this for some time and this was his opportunity to take the out. I wouldn't contact him, and I wouldn't expect him to contact you. He's emotionally left some time ago, and now he's physically removed himself from the relationship. To be honest, I don't think he's the kind of influence your son needs either.

Well, Chuff my man, you hit the darn nail on the head AGAIN!

Dibs, you did the right thing. Your son comes first. Let me say it again, your son comes first! What Foreverzero experienced is apples and oranges in comparison. His girlfriend was defending a selfish and rude grown up that didn't need defending. Your son has suffered enough, he can only take so much. Having his daddy gone is bad enough, but then having to share his mother with this compassionless person is beyond what any innocent should have to endure. It might serve you and your son best if you don't see anyone for quite a while and dedicate yourself to him. Let him see, feel and know that he is your first priority. When in a relationship, sometimes things are great and the greater they are the more time you want to spend with that person and your son will get less time. Then, when things are not going so well, fights or break ups, well, you feel bad and down and unfortunately that's difficult to hide from your son. Pick yourself up, dust yourself off and know that this was probably not only the wrong guy, but the wrong time.

As for your son being assessed, I think you know what the problem is. He is definitely having trouble and lots of pain obviously dealing with the harsh realities brought into his life, you don't need an expert to tell you that, you're a kind and smart mom, you know that. That's normal and doctors, psychiatrists or counselors don't fix normal. Be patient, very very patient, loving and compassionate. Perhaps putting him a sport, actually enrolling with him in a martial arts class would do wonders for the both of you!

Your son comes first and anyone who can't handle that should not be in your life period. Better to know now than later when things are further along.