Ask Me Help Desk - Trust Issues

My husband and I have been married for 3 years but been together for 7 years. We have 3 wonderful kids under the age 6. I have Trust issues with him, I want to trust him but its so hard to do. I have problems trusting him around other females. He works with this girl at his job and they use to carpool together and they would text one another in the same car constantly. How do I know cause I would pay our cell bill and I always look over my bill and seen the messages when they were sent and the times. They added up when they would be in the same car. Well I asked him why they do that and he said so everyone else don't eardrop what their talking about. Well even when we would go out and have a family time he would be texting constantly and would lie to who he would be texting. But of course I found out it was that girl. It started getting worse. So I told him I don't want him to be textng her no more he got mad about it. Then the girl texted me and told me she is trying to ruin our marriage. I got really mad about it and showed him the text and he just said he wouldn't never let that happen. I told him I don't want them riding together or her nummber in his cell. Well he would sneek around my back and call her or talk to her online. I told him if he really cares about her then have her. Its me or her and he got mad about that. So he said he would stop talking to her. Well couple months later found out he was still talking to her. He won't leave that girl alone and it worries me and makes me mad. He gets mad that I can't trust him but its hard to when he is being sneeky. He says he loves me and would never hurt me or the kids. But how am I suppose to keep his word. The girl ran her mouth to me constantly and calling me names and stuff but my husband ingorned it. So we had another talk and he promised me he will get the word to her and never talk to her again! How am I suppose to believe that? Escpecially when they work in the same place. I love him more than anything, he is all I have besides our kids.

This is a really tough one. You certainly have your rights here. He isn't being fair and she sounds awful. BUT it might be the way to keep your happy home and take care of the 3 small children. It really does sound like he loves you and this is his idea of 'harmless' flirting, which many marriages rely on to keep going. The danger of course is when it goes too far.
I would tell him that you can accept a small amount of this but that you have a right to proof that his free time is at HOME. You have a right to expect that no texting goes on anywhere where you and the kids are.
Ask him to imagine you doing this to him with the mailman or cable guy or grocer... he doesn't get to have a double standard just because you are a full time mom.

I just don't get how he don't see that he flirts back with that girl. When his wife is standing in the back she can tell. I don't get why men do it when they are married. If they want to do that why did he marry me? We had trust issue from the beginning

Green06,

I totally understand why you have trust issues with your husband!! Come on, he is allowing this OTHER woman to come in between you. No man sticks up for a woman for bad mouthing HIS WIFE unless he is committed to her in some way!!

If he wasn't already messing around with her, he wouldn't risk his marriage by sneaking to text or call her on his cell!! When a married man is ask by his wife to either stop all non-business calling or texting to ANOTHER WOMAN or else---he usually does so, because he doesn't want trouble in the marriage, but YOUR HUSBAND is willing to risk it all to have contact with this woman.

I would see if he is willing to seek counseling to see if you can salvage this marriage. Even if he doesn't want to go yourself it will help to get things off your chest. The counselor might be able to help you on what you need to decide.

Remember this is just speculation, you don't know for sure if he has actually had a physical affair with this woman, but he is for sure having a emotional one!! I would also start look for employment outside of the home, let him know that you want to save marriage, but your not going to be blind sided.

Green, a tip about using the this website: there is a box at the bottom of the page labeled 'My Answer'. It gives you more room to respond than the Comment feature does.

Since this is a very young family and you mention trust issues from the beginning, I am going to suggest Marriage Counseling. A neutral third party may be able to help your husband understand your feelings and point of view more and to help you explain how you feel without sounding insecure and argumentative.

I think you need to calmly explain to him that being 'sneaky' and lying is a large part of your not trusting his interactions with this woman (Her attitude is another red flag). While he may have to work with her, it doesn't mean that he has to have personal interactions with her. This person has shown that she seems to think she has some rights to him. HE needs to put a clear end to that way of thinking by telling her they only have a work-related relationship from this point on. He needs to remove any non-work related contacts that he has for her and if possible (I don't know if there could be a work related reason for her to contact him on his personal phone, etc.) block any numbers or user names that she might use to contact him. She can't do anything to hurt your marriage, but his actions or lack of them definitely can.

If he is unwilling to take any of these steps, then you may want to examine whether contacting a lawyer is your next step.

When you say that he and the children are all that you have, does that mean that your entire life revolves around them and you do very little outside of the family? Do you have friends you spend time with? If not, then for your own mental and emotional well-being, I suggest you broaden your support system. It is very difficult to give others complete support when you aren't getting any.

He's definitely been engulfed in an emotional affair with her.

In my opinion, an emotional affair is every bit as damaging to the relationship as a physical one. Most of the pain and hurt are from the deception, lies, and feelings of being betrayed.

I fully understand what you're going through. The problem is that without trust, the relationship fails.

Will he do it again?? I don't know, but you do need to tell him that you seriously won't cope with this behavior anymore and stick to your guns. Then IF you find out he's communicating with her again, you need to kick him to the curb.

Quote:

Then the girl texted me and told me she is trying to ruin our marriage

If he still is texting her after that, then you have no choice but to explore your legal options, and rights to protect yourself and your kids and that starts with the county human services in your area. If you have no one else, then go to the ones who can help females with kids, and need a place to go and child support. At least then you will be armed with facts and a support system to wake doe doe head up to reality.

Sorry, but enabling him with no consequences only gets you more of the same. Booting him out of your bed, or serving cold toast is what you do. Anything is better than just taking this mental abuse from your husband. My wife would have destroyed my phone and had me sleeping on the couch for such terrible behavior.

You don't need anyone but yourself, to stand up for yourself.