I lost my virginity to a girl who wasn't a virgin and about a year after around the time she told me the number of boyfriends she had sex with and the amount of times before me(cause I asked) I started feeling a bad way emotionally for some reason. I'm not clingy or anything like that but this thing just keep buggin me. This girl has been my girlfriend for almost 3 years, we have a lot in common and get along very well but the thing is sometimes I remember that she has had sex with people before me and that make me angry and frustrated for some reason and I don't know why. I know I can't change the past but these damn feeling won't go away. What makes it worst is I've seen the ex boyfriends she has had sex with, she showed them to me herself because she wanted to be honest, I actually know the last ex. She means a lot to me but sometimes when I think that somebody else has had her it makes me feel a different kind of angry and I remember at the random times but always remember when I see them. I need to get over this once and for all, sometimes it goes away and I think I'm over it then it comes back. What's your advice? p.s. I never cheated on her.

It's all in your head. You're making yourself feel bad for no reason. If roles were reversed and you were the one who had had lots of sex in the past, you'd expect her to be okay about that. You need to grant her the same thing. Just think of it this way, those guys lost her, you still have her. You shouldn't feel insecure, you should feel sorry for them. She was not an accomplishment that one could get by sleeping with her, she's a person and she's now happily with you, don't ruin what you have built for three years over something this petty. And don't even think about cheating on her!

I understand what you are feeling and I'm going through a similar issue with my girlfriend at the moment. Mine is not the same as yours because in my past, I had sex multiple times with two different ladies at different times. With my current girlfriend, I have not had sex with her yet but she told me that she had sex with some guys before and it somehow makes me feel bad. One day she even showed me the photo of her ex-boyfriend and it pissed me off though I did not show it openly. The worst thing is that the phone is synchronized with the computer we use so I found in the computer that she used to send messages to her girlfriend about the guys she had sex with and she would rate them if they were good, bad, average or pathetic in bed. At some point I even felt like breaking up with her because I felt that she is going to compare me with the other guys when we have sex and of course that scares me because if I would not rate better that her previous sexual encounters, it may make her go to her ex. This is what I thought. But later I came to sit down and ask myself why I feel so insecure about this issue and I found out that it is just how we men are brought up in the society to think that we are more special human beings than women which is not true. We men feel like we cannot share with another man a woman (not actual sharing but more of like using a second hand product). We feel that a girl who has had sex already is like used already and we feel that she belongs to the one who had sex with her. But this is just a mindset, like me, I had no problem with the idea that I had other partners before but I had a problem that my girlfriend had others before me. The bottom line is that its just our egos playing tricks on us. When a girl loves u, she gives you 100% and it is only right that we give them a chance regardless of the past failed relationships. If you walk out of this relationship or try to have other partners, what will that make you? In fact you would be much worse than her. So Iamsam, please let this not bother you, if she is still having affairs with her ex's, which I doubt, then you can have reason to worry. But because she is not doing that, you should give her more support and focus on loving her and cherishing her because at the end of it all, love is not just about sex.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by iamsam

are feelings about your partner's past sex life normal?

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Hello I:

Sure, they're normal... What you DO about them might not be "normal", though... Cause if it was ME, I wouldn't DO anything about it. If you DO something about it, WHATEVER you DO will be the WRONG thing to do.

Here's why. Whatever she did before she met you, was BEFORE SHE MET YOU. It has NOTHING to do with you - NOTHING! So, FEEL the way do, and WISH she had saved herself for you, and DREAM about things being different... But, realize that things ARE, the way they ARE. If it bothers you, move on.. But, you'll NEVER find anybody who has lived their life in strict conformance with your desires..

excon

The feelings are normal, and only a big deal if you make them one. Dwell on them they play with your mind, act on them they make everything screwed up. Accept them, and do nothing, they are soon forgotten, because you have more important things on your mind.

Thanks much you guys. I was never going to leave her because of this I love her too much and I'm not dumb. I appreciate all the advice and you all answered a lot of my questions. Anyone else that have advice please post it.

I will share my story.

I am happily married now but both my wife and I have had our past relationships, one night stands, etc... (alot of them) ;)

At times I wish I could have been my wife's first as I also wish she would be mine. She's not and I'm not.

I realize that our lives before we met each other doesn't matter. I know how she is now and how I am and it's something I am more then happy with.

I don't worry about, feel upset about, or get frustrated over the fact that she has had sex with other guys. Just as I wouldn't expect her to get upset with the fact that I have slept with other girls.

You're racking your brain over something that CANNOT be changed. Do youself a favor and have a heart-to-heart with yourself. Ask youself if you can get over this, because if you don't it will begin to show in the relationship and ultimately you will drive her away.

For the most part: NOTHING OUTSIDE THAT CIRCLE MATTERS!

Dude,

You are suffering from a sociological monogomy propaganda. Our social context drives our thinking that our intimate partners are possessions that are not allowed to have sex with other people in past, present, or future. The feelings of anger that you have are connected to thoughts that you have been betrayed because of a belief in this structure of monogomy and accompanying belief that if she is truly to be your partner she could not have had other partners in the past present or future. Once you change your belief structure and accept that your intimate partners does not owe you faithfulness before she met you, you will be able to see things differently and your feelings will change.

You've gotten some great advice.

I just want to share my philosophy. My husband has a lot more experience in his past than I do. I have not let it bother me because no matter what he did with other women. They weren't me. Everything we do together is a first for us. As far as I am concerned nothing else matters.

Good luck.

Hey all gimme your thoughts on this. I was recently out with some friend when one of the told me they saw my girlfriend at a party with some guy dancing with him pretty much the whole time. On that night in question she told me she went to a family gathering which she did and then went home. I asked her about it and she said she didn't go to a party, then I told her someone said they saw her, she then says she only past but didn't go in. I then told her what my friend said he saw that when she admitted it. I asked her why she lied to me, at first she said no reason but then she said she didn't want me to get upset (reason beig she knows I hate the idea of somebody else physically close to her like that). We been together for 3 years and she has never lied to me like that (atleast to the best of my knowlegde) and I feel some kind of way about all this. She has said she is sorry a million time and said she wish she didn't do any of that but man its been little over a week and I have forgiven her but every time I remember I'm angry. Now I am not sure if I can believe or trust her even though she says it won't happen again.

If you weren't so insecure and afraid, then she would have no trouble telling you she was going to a party. So instead of getting mad at her, stop being so insecure, controlling, and angry.

She has to lie because she is afraid of your reaction.

That's why your threads were merged because this was about another issue in the same relationship, and they both are about YOUR issues with her behavior.

Stop acting like everything she does has to have your approval, or she can't do it. Come on guy, you are making this relationship harder than it should be and you better start trusting her judgment, or what's the point of saying you love her, if you don't. Its not her, its you, and your fear, and the way you deal with it is problem.

Since you asked, I told you, and you do owe her an apology.

Look talaniman its not like she has never gone out and not told me, she has gone out before and told me either before or after and I was always cool with it but this one time she didn't and that's what's odd, that's the thing, I'm not controlling her or anything like that. And why do I owe her an apology?

I do love her, don't get me wrong but you raised some valid points. I always say to her just be honest with me nothing else and she always was so this is puzzling, why not this time? I mean I go out and tell her when she asks and she did the same.

Let go of the anger. Either you trust her or you don't. If you do, then communicate with her. If you don't, let her go.

She didn't tell you because she was worried about your reaction. That says you haven't been as cool, calm and understanding as you think you have been.

I think she needs to be honest with you about how her perceptions of your reactions affect her actions. I think you need to be honest with yourself about how jealous and insecure you really are. Together you need to define boundaries for your relationship that are acceptable to both of you.

Communicate with her.

I read your posts and I think I got a pretty good handle on the situation. So please don't take offense if this comes across as rude and very blunt!

1. You have trust issues
2. You're controlling.
3. You come across as angry.

All of these three things I mentioned are not about your g/f but about YOU. These; in turn, are effecting your relationship.

I don't blame her for not telling you. Was it right for her to lie? No, but it's more than that.

Look in the mirror and see your face when you are angry, record your voice when you are upset. Then you will know why she is afraid of you. You talk of her being honest. First you have to be honest with yourself.

So, after all of the advice that you were given, I hope you take responsibility for the way your relationship has ended up.

"Sometimes it's easier to blame the other person than to look in a mirror and blame yourself"

The biggest thing in a relationship is communication, followed closely by trust. Both of these I feel you lack. But before one gets in a relationship he/she must have his/her insecurities in check. That I don't think you have either. So maybe; even after 3 years, it's best if you really re-evaluate yourself before you drag this on any further. You deserve to be happy and so does your g/f. If you both feel the relationship is worth the fights then you need to communicate better and more often and really work on your issues!

I hope this helps.

Imma be as clear as I possibly can. Since this thing happened I saw a lot of faults on my part, and I think that I've hurdled over a lot of these things that afflicted or at least I now know how to control it instead of it me. At the end of the day I guess it has a lot to do with growing up, I am pretty young so I think it comes with age and maturity and so on. So with all that said, I don't turn green and rampage down a street if I see my girlfriend hug a guy and I'm standing there, come on. I guess what I thought was, wasn't what is.

Sam, that is great news. I hope this means that things are going well between the two of you and continue to improve. :)

Will do.

Dude,

I hate to say this but, this may be the beginning of the end. It is obvious to me that she does not have the faithfullness and loyalty required to have a true love relationship. I tried the forgive and forget routine with several women in mypast and it only gets worse. You let them off the hook and eventually the behavior that was to be "fogiven and forgotten" becomes routine behavior. Three years and not married the relationship is going no where - time to move on! Actually moving on appears passed due.