Ask Me Help Desk - How does a straight girl deal with being in love with a lesbian?

How does a straight girl deal with being in love with a lesbian?

I have a straight girlfriend and she struggles with loving me but being attracted to men... How do I help her ? We've been together 3 years but she still struggles with what does loving a lesbian mean ? What does that make her

You help her by giving her room to be confused, and by shrugging off all concerns over what someone is. Tell her it doesn't matter; she doesn't have to define herself as straight or lesbian or bi or anything. Tell her you are just glad she's with you. Sexual preference doesn't always fit into nice neat cubbyholes.

Neither does gender - there's a new generation of young people who won't even define themselves as male, female, transgender, or anything. It's what you feel at the moment and who you have feelings for.

Sorry to say this... but if she is in love with a lesbian ( I'll argue its only lust) then she isn't as straight as you think she is. Gay not nessessarily... but bi-curious at least, You can't be actually bi until you actually have had a bi experience and liked it..

Due to posting restrictions on the Adult Sexuality Board, I am going to ask: How old are you?

Even if it needs to be moved to another board, I would still be saying this:

It would also help if you clarified the issue. As it reads, she is a heterosexual female (or at least that is how she sees herself) involved in a long term relationship with a lesbian. While she appears to care about you, she is still very attracted to males. There is a lot of confusion in this relationship and I am afraid that it isn't just on her part.

Please, give more details so that it is easier to understand the relationship and what type of advice you really need.

Oh dear. I'm sorry to know that from such a long lasting relationship.
First of all, I think you need to prepare yourself first before you help her. Cause as you've known that she's attracted to men and the fact that she's letting you know, is this good for you anyway? Is she caring for you and your relationship with her? I don't think so. (I'm sorry to say that but I don't know how much you love her and how she do so).
"Smoothy" is right I think. May be she's just having lust with you more than the love. If you really mean her as your future partner, you should think about it more deeply. Love is more important than lust, as you know. As you two were being together for about 3 years ready, you should know her well, rather than asking the others. Cause the facts that you are giving us are not enough. You should tell us more like.. for example, is there any problems between you two within this 3years? Are you two living together? Keeping in touch? Any changes in her behavior when communicating with you? How much did she cared you before and how about now? Then you can even conclude whether she's having any boyfriends or not (opps sorry, I just wanted to give you examples that you can consider about her)
You need a strong heart if you are a lesbian, I think. Cause of society(may be yours is OK with Homo stuffs),peers and even your own relationship with a woman, you really needed good understanding from your family and so on.
So, at this moment, just try to prepare yourself to face with any problems that could happen and then try to ask her (honestly), what does she want. Does she still want you or love you. Then discuss with her to test herself whether she can live without you.( I know it's dangerous, but it may work).
Yes, I wish my message can help you. This is my first time advising here in askmehelpdesk (also in the internet). So, sorry if you don't like my opinions and if you get annoyed.
All the best to you and your beloved ones... :)
__skio

Comment on skioice's post

Sorry for some stupid mistakes :( I was rushing

Quote:

Originally Posted by smoothy

Sorry to say this....but if she is in love with a lesbian ( I'll argue its only lust) then she isn't as straight as you think she is. Gay not nessessarily....but bi-curious at least, You can't be actually bi until you actually have had a bi experience and liked it..

Smoothy, I disagree with you can't be bi until you have a bi experience. I liken it to being straight without having had a straight experience. Gender and orientation is such a highly confusing and personal thing. I do agree she probably isn't straight (according to acepted definitions of straight), though if that's how she defines herself... so be it.

Quote:

Originally Posted by adthern

Smoothy, I disagree with you can't be bi untill you have a bi experience. I liken it to being straight without having had a straight experience. Gender and orientation is such a highly confusing and personal thing. I do agree she probably isn't straight (according to acepted definitions of straight), though if thats how she defines herself...so be it.

How you know you are bi until you actually have one... fantasy and reality many times are NOT the same thing... bi-curious means you think about it but really haven't explored it.

Straight is the norm... and the norm is accepted in absence of a conflicting situtation.

Thinking something really isn't the same as actually doing it... or liking it afterwards.

Example : How many women have ever fantsized about a gangbang? How many of those have actually done it? And of those how many thought it was exactly like they thought it would be in their fantasy? And how many were so mortified they won't even think about it any longer? How many actually liked it.

I'll bet those later numbers taper off dramatically from the earlier ones.

Thus in effect... just THINKING about a Bisexual act does not make you a bisexual any more than thinking about strangling someone you hate to death makes you an actual murderer. There has to be the action component to it.

I hate to be wet blanket but maybe we should stop posting until the Original poster posts her age.

Quote:

Originally Posted by CravenMorhead

I hate to be wet blanket but maybe we should stop posting until the Original poster posts her age.

Got to spread the rep around so can't give an agree... but that's a very good and valid point we've overlooked.

Hi I posted this question. We live together both 40 yrs old and lust is definitely not the main motivation here. We connect on many levels and have a loving relationship. The hard bit is telling her friends although they know and love me. By her getting it sorted in her head, as in a great match but not use to the physical side of things or telling peeps. I am 100 percent gay but when I talk about my experience it just isn't the same as hers. . I guess I'm just wondering if anyone has had this happen.. One same sex relationship after liking men for the majority of your life. And not just a same sex relationship for lust.not attracted to any women just me.. Has this happened to anyone, how do you process it? is it purely the person and not the sex?

Quote:

Originally Posted by smoothy

How you know you are bi until you actually have one.....fantasy and reality many times are NOT the same thing....bi-curious means you think about it but really haven't explored it.

Straight is the norm...and the norm is accepted in absense of a conflicting situtation.

Thinking something really isn't the same as actually doing it...or liking it afterwards.

Example : How many women have ever fantsized about a gangbang? How many of those have actually done it? And of those how many thought it was exactly like they thought it would be in their fantasy? And how many were so mortified they won't even think about it any longer? How many actualy liked it.

I'll bet those later numbers taper off dramatically from the earlier ones.

Thus in effect....just THINKING about a Bisexual act does not make you a bisexual any more than thinking about strangling someone you hate to death makes you an actual murderer. There has to be the action component to it.

I guess I disagree with the premise that hetero is the default sexuality, agreed it's the most stated. But, I tend to agree with the kensi scale/results more than the societal view point.

I also think, you can be bi and only ever have a relationship or encounter with one sex (could be same or opposite). Hey, that's how I see it, you are entitled to your opinion and I respect that. I just respectfully disagree.

Ok well agreed. I don't like labels But she has acted on the pursual or confirmation both mentally and physically so I guess coming to terms with that takes time. Again I'm not after a justfication. Just more of a have you experienced this and how have you dealt with it.

I think that if your friend is telling you she hesitates between you and her guy then, there's NOTHING serious. Her orientention and her relationships aren't as serious as you think. I even think she's "playing" with your emotions as she tell you she loves you but her guy to..