I left the father of my child when I was in my early stages of pregnancy. After first finding out I was pregnant I did make the attempt to smooth things over and deal with his overbearing nature for our child's sake but things got worse (probably because he thought since I was pregnant I could never leave) So yes I was in abusive relationship and unfortunately it took my knowing that another would be effected for me to get the courage to leave. Since this time he has been in and out of the picture with a few supervised visits. We have not gone through the court which I fully plan on changing. Each time he leaves the picture the time frame that it takes him to get in contact with me has been getting longer and longer. This past incident will mark almost a full year, which ended a day ago with an unexpected e-mail about how he wants to be in his life and wants to keep it out of court. (he fears child support I bet) He also has thrown at me the fact that if I want to take it to court he will get joint custody, per his lawyer that he had a free consult with, which will entitle him to half visitation and little or no support. To be honest with you …. I don't want his money. What concerns me is his use of “half visitation”…. Here are the circumstances which are fully expressed in his email which I will also be printing and saving for my consultation with a lawyer….. He has no job, he doesn't have a license, he is surviving on his fiancés unemployment, and he doesn't have a car that would make the trip up to where I currently live (which is 2 ½ hours away) let alone half way if I offered to meet him half way. Due to the distance could half visitation be possible? ….. How could he get joint custody without the means to provide for a child if that child were in his care for a day, let alone an hour? He also is saying that since I moved it will be held against me even though he had knowledge of my move. My consultation is in 2 days but these questions are burning in my brain. I live in PA

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Originally Posted by lzrd7

I left the father of my child when I was in my early stages of pregnancy. After first finding out I was pregnant I did make the attempt to smooth things over and deal with his overbearing nature for our child's sake but things got worse (probably because he thought since I was pregnant I could never leave) So yes I was in abusive relationship and unfortunately it took my knowing that another would be effected for me to get the courage to leave. Since this time he has been in and out of the picture with a few supervised visits. We have not gone through the court which I fully plan on changing. Each time he leaves the picture the time frame that it takes him to get in contact with me has been getting longer and longer. This past incident will mark almost a full year, which ended a day ago with an unexpected e-mail about how he wants to be in his life and wants to keep it out of court. (he fears child support I bet) He also has thrown at me the fact that if I want to take it to court he will get joint custody, per his lawyer that he had a free consult with, which will entitle him to half visitation and little or no support. To be honest with you …. I don't want his money. What concerns me is his use of “half visitation”…. Here are the circumstances which are fully expressed in his email which I will also be printing and saving for my consultation with a lawyer….. He has no job, he doesn't have a license, he is surviving on his fiancés unemployment, and he doesn't have a car that would make the trip up to where I currently live (which is 2 ½ hours away) let alone half way if I offered to meet him half way. Due to the distance could half visitation be possible? ….. How could he get joint custody without the means to provide for a child if that child were in his care for a day, let alone an hour? He also is saying that since I moved it will be held against me even though he had knowledge of my move. My consultation is in 2 days but these questions are burning in my brain. I live in PA

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He is telling you that he will receive joint legal custody(the right to make decisions for the child) and shared physical custody(half the child's time will be spent with you and the other half with him).

I assume that your ex has not been established as the legal father which can only be done one of two ways: a)signing a paternity acknowledgment or b)through a court-ordered DNA test.

You moving will not be "held against you" as he's trying to scare you into believing. If he contested it, he would have gone to court but I suspect the same as you - he doesn't want to pay child support and is trying to keep you out of court for that express purpose.

Odds are that he will be given joint custody unless you can prove that he is detrimental to the child. Him being unemployed doesn't mean he's a bad parent. Does he have a criminal record of any kind?

Although strange things have happened, I don't foresee a judge granting him shared physical custody due to the simple fact that he hasn't made a consistent effort to be in the child's life.

Yes he has a felony against him about ten years ago. He was in jail for selling drugs and he has also been in out for not paying support for his other child. I just can't imagine that a judge would give shared custody of a child to someone who doesn't have the means to feed the child, and in the case of an emergency get him to a doctor or hospital. He doesn't have a license. Would it be demanded of me to have to bring our child to him because of his circumstances, or will he have to meet me half way. Now I know circumstances change so eventually down the road he may be more capabale that is all well and good but I just don't see how it is possible especially when our child will be going to school soon. Preschool but still school at that. Oy vey I almost forgot about the summer... This is all just a mess... I can't wait for my consultation. I know I need to do something about the custody... I just feel like I'll be playing into his hands if I don't do it behind closed doors. The last thing I want to happen is we do this behind closed doors and then I don't see my kid for 3 weeks because we never got anything in writing from the court to show who has the legal custody. I know everything will work out in the end it's just scary to start the process. I know it also sounds like I'm trying to deny custody and visitation from the father, but that is not the case. I'm concerned for my son to be placed in an environment where his needs can not be met for an extended period.

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Originally Posted by lzrd7

Yes he has a felony against him about ten years ago. He was in jail for selling drugs and he has also been in out for not paying support for his other child. I just can't imagine that a judge would give shared custody of a child to someone who doesn't have the means to feed the child, and in the case of an emergency get him to a doctor or hospital. He doesn't have a license. Would it be demanded of me to have to bring our child to him because of his circumstances, or will he have to meet me half way. Now i know circumstances change so eventually down the road he may be more capabale that is all well and good but i just don't see how it is possible especially when our child will be going to school soon. Preschool but still school at that. oy vey i almost forgot about the summer....... This is all just a mess...... I can't wait for my consultation. I know i need to do something about the custody.... i just feel like i'll be playing into his hands if i don't do it behind closed doors. The last thing i want to happen is we do this behind closed doors and then i don't see my kid for 3 weeks because we never got anything in writing from the court to show who has the legal custody. I know everything will work out in the end it's just scary to start the process. I know it also sounds like i'm trying to deny custody and visitation from the father, but that is not the case. I'm concerned for my son to be placed in an environment where his needs can not be met for an extended period of time.

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It all depends on the judge in your case. When my husband got divorced, they split the transportation - the parent ending placement dropped off the child at the other parent's house. When my parents got divorced, my mom was required to provide all the transportation for both pick up and drop off.

The only way to make it legal and effective is to enter it into the court. You can decline child support if you so desire, and that's probably his biggest concern. But keep in mind that if you file for state aid at any time, child support will automatically go after him for support.

If you truly feel that the child would be neglected and not properly cared for in the father's care, then file for sole custody and supervised visitation. One issue that really needs to be stressed is the fact that he has walked in and out of the child's life at his own convenience.

His other child support case has no bearing on the situation with this child.

I assume that the child is only between 2-3 years old at this point, seeing as you stated that he will be starting preschool but isn't currently enrolled. Obviously, shared placement is going to be harder when the child is attending school and the distance between you is so great. IF he proves that he is a fit parent and capable of caring for the child, the court may grant him summer placement. But as I said earlier, I find that highly unlikely due to his lack of involvement.