Having several children is difficult because each has a different need. During and definitely after the divorce with my ex-wife, the older children became extremely disappointed with their mom and the relationship with her completely soured. Things only worsened as years have passed. Our youngest, because he was so little during the process, has an entirely differently and loving relationship with his mom and that fact has often caused a few issues within our household. I've had to put my foot down about the older children talking about their mom and making unkind comments period - most especially, because it is not fair to the younger brother who has a good relationship with her. It is hurtful and unacceptable. I do, however, understand the hurt the older ones feel (having to do with their mom not allowing us to see their oldest brother... long story). Anyway, here is my current issue. We recently completed a 1 1/2 custody case (1 of many over the course of 11 years). After this one, I was granted nearly complete custody. The therapists/psychologists/and custody evaluator recommended mom receive 2 (1) week visits per year that MUST be done in the city in which WE reside. The reason being, mom is remarried, has other children, and they believed she needed to spend time with them more directly to heal their relationship and gradually bring additional family members into the picture. Mom, of course, was not happy with the ruling, and continues to encourage the children to visit her - even though the recommendations in "the best interest of the children" express otherwise. Here is where I am torn. Mom will, most likely, NOT do these visits and travel across the country to spend time with them. The littlest wants to see her. The others do not want to travel out there and want her to come here. Each one has said they would love to see her, but want her to make the effort to come to visit them - to spend time in their world, visit their schools - basically, show interest in "their" lives. For Christmas, I decided since he really wanted to see her, to allow the youngest to travel to see his mom and spend 2 weeks with her. I'm torn. I feel like, in doing that, I'm giving her her way and somewhat letting her off the hook. I think she needs to get on a plane and come spend time with her children and, by him going out there, she will not. On the flipside, I feel like he deserves to see her. Don't know what to do!? I need to make a decision for future visits. Aughhhhh

Separate your feelings about your ex from your feelings about your little boy. You're doing the right thing for him if this is the only way he can have some time with her. Take the high road and don't think about she is getting the upper hand on you. She is losing out by not taking the kids' invitation to be part of their world. They won't always feel this way, and she will reap what she has sown. You sound like a great dad.

Thank you, summergirl. I appreciate your great words. What I meant by saying I feel like I'm "letting her off the hook" is she has somewhat taken the attitude of "if they don't come to see me, I won't go to see them" - not taking into consideration they are kids - not taking into consideration they would really love to see her, I'm sure. After being disappointed many times by their mom, they've somewhat taken the "I don't care" attitude. But, I know children don't really mean that - I know they would love to see their mom and spend time with her. I feel like allowing any type of visitation outside of our city (which goes against the Court Order) now excuses her from making an effort to come to visit ALL of them. She is well-aware she has a great relationship with our youngest and, it allows her to escape not have to face the long road ahead in terms of working on a relationship with the other children. Another issue I have is the entire time he is visiting mom (he's only been there a couple of days now), he spends a lot of time sending us emails and Facebook messages, etc. saying he's ready to come home. Yet, still torn because he is happy to see her. His last message, "Why couldn't you guys just come with me?" grrrrr... I don't address those comments but return comments like, "I'm glad you have the opportunity to enjoy time with your mom!" Inside, I'm torn!

And when mom refuses to send child back, what are you going to do, do you have the funds to rush to court, hire attorneys and spend the next three months forcing her to return the child.

If all of these people recommended a course of action, I would seriously consider doing what is recommended. If you want to help her see the kids, you pay for her plane ticket to come and stay a few days in your city.

I feel like everyone has to accept that this woman has moved on, feels she has a "real" family now, and would never have left if she wanted to be involved in her older childrens' lives. I think her feeling that they should come to her is a cop-out, and that maybe counseling for the kids is in order to help cope with their understandable feelings of abandonment. I guess it's up to you, MrPayne, to decide if you want to budget money for the youngest to visit her against the court's ruling. While it isn't optimal, it's something towards a relationship. I think the time will come when he doesn't want to go. Mostly I feel that you are not "letting her off the hook", because she doesn't seem to believe she is even on it. She's figured out that nobody can force an adult to do what she doesn't want to do.

I sure am glad the kids have you.

Summergirl! Thank you for your post. I appreciate your insight and kind words. I agree with counseling and, as of this moment, 2 are in. I found the most incredible counselor who came highly recommended and they already like him. So, I'm very thankful for that. I started with the two that seem to have the most hurt and anger toward their mom and, of course, they are the oldest, so they were far more aware of what was happening back in 2000 when the divorce began. I'm not sure if you read that I married my ex-wife just after a pregnancy with a child that wasn't biologically mine. In my heart, and always, he was my first child and I raised him as such until he was 9 when the divorce began. Once she began the divorce, she stripped him away completely, sent him to live with her mom across the country and didn't allow me any contact with him. And, because I had no contact, the other children obviously lost contact as well. I was devastated. They were devastated. The divorce was enough, but for them to have to lose a sibling - they grew up with him as their older brother. And, over the course of 11 years since the divorce, they grew to resent her for keeping them separated. All that being said, the minute he turned "of age," he has submerged himself back in our lives and we spend as much time with him as possible (since he continues to live in another city), and of course, we are on the telephone with him A LOT!

Fr_Chuck: Honestly, one thing I've learned over the course of the past 11 years in this case. She may be a lot of things, but she's not completely dumb. She wouldn't keep him and hold him there. I think, when it comes to him, she knows he is the only child who harbors NO ill feelings toward her, her husband, or family. So, I can't imagine she would put herself in the position of losing his unconditional love as well. And, as far as me purchasing her an airline ticket. Keep in mind, she is nearly 300,000 in arrears and makes a very good living. I would never do such a thing! Ever!