Hi I'm a good looking lad in my late 20s and when I was young I was fairly confident and good at sports and with girls etc ,at the time I didn't realise so much that my mother was totally controlling and in sum ways she is even today . There wasn't much affection or encouragment in my home and my dad can't show or give affection and to this day I can't talk to him about anything and its totally awkward between us.. my mum was so controllin that she put a stop to my first girlfriend when I was 11 because she said we were too young 2 even hold hands and kiss .it was all innocent its not like today where 11year olds are having sex! Anyway after she dumped me (coz I'm pretty sure my mum had a chat with her and made her embarrassed, I then started secondry school and for the first couple of years I still had confidence almost cocky to the point of arrogance. Then out of the blue I started having panic attacks at school doing presentations to my class and I fell apart over night and dreaded everyday till I left at 16 .I was pretty unhappy at home as well as my parents were very hard on me and critical and I was very frustrated and hurt that they didn't notice or if they did ask why ide changed and got very quiet and withdrawn... at 16 I started smokin lots of weed which obviously didn't help my anxiety or depression this carried on and by 19 I was doing harder stuff as well as weed everyday.. I've also pushed people away when they got too close and had a few disasters with girls. Even thow girls were always interested in me it never seem to come to nothing. Either they didn't return calls or if a girl liked me ide back off... im now 28 I still haven't had a proper relationship with a girl,its getting embarrasin now when family/old friends ask "u gotta girlfriend yet?" and each year it gets more embarassin and I'm paranoid sum people think I'm gay. My old mates and close family no the truth , basically I've just got no confidence and for whatever reason am scared of getting close to people.ive sort of worked out why I'm like it but now I'm off drugs(just) and I know its going to take time but I just feel peoples uneasyness with me ,I think my body language/auras screamin /im ****ed up.or stay away or they can see the fear in my eyes etc. I know I got to "mad" stare but I try and relax as much as poss but my eyes just burn into people. I don't want to waste anymore time , I think its mainly confidence which I know I can regain but has anyone got any advice for me that might help? Thanks sorry its so long

I could see myself in the same position as you. I am 25 and although I ve had a GF it didn't last long. I had a few things between but hardly anything more than a few weeks. I also find it hard to make and keep friends.

All I can say to you is to make sure you are leading a busy life. At least then you can at least say you did the things you wanted to do, changed as a person etc even if a girl isn't with you. You can't say o one day they will come because that might not happen.

Although not really advise I will say something about my plan. I hope to:

1) Concentrate on my career - which will possibly mean moving to a new area
2) Travel - by this I mean climb mountains, go to non westernised countries, have amazing experience. Not a beach holiday.
3) Improve my body through weight lifting + cv
4) Enjoy my my day to day life through enjoying music, books, the odd friendship, video games, sports + gym.

I hope through doing the above somebody will come along sooner or later. If not then at least I did the things I wanted to do and see. Ill also tell you already in my short life I've done more things than most people would in a life time.

So perhaps take into account what I am trying. These goals are always in my mind and something I am striving for.

Great life plan and advice. Live and lead a life you are proud to say you accomplished something in, whether it be with or without someone.

Forget the girls, make a life you enjoy and be happy with what you do, and someday someone will want to share it with you.

See females as friends, and don't see them as romantic objects. Start with a smile, and hello, and have fun with everyone you meet.

OK thanks a lot for your advise .these forums are very helpful, I know its not healthy to analyze our own faults and traits too much but after reading peoples experiences and then to have people who have no connection and just give honest opinions you realise as people we can't always see the things we've been doing or not doing for years .and when these things do become apparent it makes more sense.. another strange thing I do is .im in a band, without sounding arrogant I know it could go all the way and I'm realistic I know won't make much money or be as big as oasis or u2 (those days are long gone) but I would like the recognition and a free ticket to see the world. Right, I've been the driving force behind it for around 8 years .I write all the music and I'm def the creative force in it.. but it got pointed out to me by the bassist that left a while back that every time we started getting sumwhere ,I found sum problem to slow us down or I done loads of drugs and had 2 cancel a show etc and I think he could have been right. What I'm saying is its like I think I want succcess but I'm scared of the attention that could come with it. And am paranoid about people asking questions about my personal life etc which as I've stated I feel awkward/embarrased explaining myself.. ive done gigs I sing and play guitar if I'm honest I couldn't do them without drink and a little bit of gear.I get worried about seeing people I haven't seen in ages because I feel awkward and uneasy but part of me also knows if I can get my confidence back I could really do the band thing.. basically I think I got to lotta issues I've left far too long without confrontin and then drugs have just amplified everything. I've basically got very low self esteem/ that's the main prob ,I think having 1 parent smother me too much and then another(my dad) not show any love or real interest in my is the worst combination of parentin you can have and I think that's also really affected me and then lastly I've made my own mistakes where I blew chances of getting help before etc. anyone got any ideas why I might do the thing with the band .does that qualify as self destructive behaviour? Thanks

I think you have gotten used to running away from problems and not taking a chance because of your own fears. Even today you are still carrying unresolved resentments for your parents, over the way you were raised, and most addictions, and bad behaviors can be traced back to early events that were not handled properly.

Even your early anxieties was a form of fear of failure, of judgment from others and probably many other things that have affected you and still does. I think if you stop judging your parents, you can stop judging yourself. Once you learn to cope with your fear, you can allow yourself to fail, and learn from that failure, and try again, and do better.

There is no shame in asking for help when you need it, to build a healthy relationship with yourself, so you can understand yourself and not be ashamed or guilty because of past failures and mistakes. Don't be so hard on yourself or those that raised you, because you are all humans, and no human is perfect, so there will be glitches along the way.

Just because we were dealt a bad hand in our lives there is nothing stopping us from playing it, win, or lose, and moving on to the next one. That's just life. We as humans have no control over many things, but we can control our behavior, thoughts, and actions in a positive way. So put the past behind, chalk up your lessons and move forward and do better.

At some point, you have to take full responsibility for your own actions and commit to identify, acknowledge, an correct yourself. If you need help with that process, go get it.

I understand and I'm making progress with my parents .but the fear of failure thing ,could that not be a symptom from my over controllin mother(im sure I've read it is) don't u agree its hard to not resent sum1 who taught you 2 worry and fear everything?

You may be right, but I feel that people at a certain age have to decide who they are, and who they want to be, and embrace their own lives for themselves. For sure you can change whatever you want about yourself.

Never use the shortcomings of your parents to justify your own failure. They probably didn't have the skills to raise you to be the president, or a rock star. Those resentments you hold onto give you emotional stress, and distract you from a better plan, or course of actions, and become excuses for bad behavior, and failure. That doesn't help, nor allow you to fully move ahead with confidence because, you are always dwelling on past fears and failures.

Let those resentments go, and its full steam ahead. You may even forgive them one day, and understand them, and that my friend is the true basis of emotional power, forgiveness, and understanding, and will bring some positive results, so start with forgiving yourself, and learn to forgive others, as you start to understand yourself.

Yer OK thanks for your time