This is really bothering me. My boyfriend and I have been dating for a little over a year now. A few months ago, I was sitting next to him and looking at the pictures in his phone. Long story short, I come across A lot of pictures of other girls in his phone and the majority are of different exes. A few of them have a picture with him and his ex together looking like a couple.

I know the pictures are old but they really bother me. We've talked about it before and he felt like they were no big deal. At least three more times we had arguments about the pics because once again I kept seeing them in his phone and noticed he wouldn't never let me hold his phone. It felt like major déjà vu. Then finally last night I just wanted to hold his phone to take a picture of myself and wasn't even thinking about looking through anything. But I noticed that he kept fighting me for his phone like he really didn't want me to have it. So that's when I went for the pics and once again his exes were in there and he deleted it as soon as he saw me looking at it.

I scrolled over again and there was another and he quickly deleted that one too. He said he had no idea they were there. I told him that I wasn't stupid because just the other day I asked him to send me all the pics in his phone of us because I had just got a new phone and wanted the pics. So I know he went through ALL of his pics and KNEW they were there. When I bought this up to him he still lied and said that he scrolled too fast through them and didn't notice them. Then finally after arguin a little he admitted that he knew that they were in there but that he was just being too lazy to delete them.

I said that didn't sound right. Too lazy to delete them? Yet, you quickly deleted the few in front of me after you saw that I could see them. If I didn't then he wouldn't have. But at the same time I'm confused because months ago when I saw them there he told me he would delete them later and obviously he didn't. He doesn't see the big deal and thinks they're just pics.

He knows I feel deeply about them so why do we keep revisiting this matter. If you knew it really bothered me that much then why wouldn't you just easily delete them? And to say that you were too lazy to delete them? It takes one click of a button. And the fact that he tried to lie about something as small as the fact that he didn't know they were there?

That played a trip on my trust for him because something that tiny he could have been truthful about. Also, he went on this big rampage about the exes not meaning anything to him, so why do you keep all their pictures? I asked him how he would feel if my exes were in my phone, and he said he would be angry. So why is he surprised that I'm hurt by this?

Also, I have a slight hunch that they're not as old as he's saying they are. I almost feel like something could possibly be recent because one was fourth in his pictures and unless his phone is faulty I know that pictures are in order of when they were sent to you or taken and obviously the newer ones would be in the front.

Another thing is that after a long while he tried to say his reason for keeping them was so that he could be reminded of what he doesn't want because he has me. I thought that was pure bull crap. But anyway , Most of all I really want to understand why a boy would keep ALL the pics of his exes like that.

I think you are being awful, plain and simple.
Jealousy about pics of exes is a sure way to lose someone. So is snooping and making demands. I'm surprised he's still with you. His memories were probably innocent and if you haven't driven him back to any of them, you will. Self fulfilling prophecy.

You need to realize that people need secrets from each other about the past, unless they volunteer. You don't get to run his past.

Can't say I agree with you there Joypulv.

I too would resent a boyfriend/partner after a year, for keeping photos of his ex's around. They are in the past and if they mean nothing, why keep a hold of them?

Reminiscing of the past? Isn't he with her to make a future?

I agree with the secrets of the past. But generally that doesn't mean keeping them in your pocket where it can be found!?

The fact that he said he would be angry if you had your ex's pictures in your phone is a double standard. He can't have it both ways.

Rather than demanding a reason.. try discussing properly how you feel about it. Ask him why he feels the need to keep them on his phone. Be open and non aggressive towards it.. you may get a reply that answers all your questions.

I can see why you would be upset, to bad he didn't have the good sense of putting them away so you don't have to see them or be bothered by them. You could have suggested that, or kept your hands off his phone. Anything would have been better than arguing about it though. That's petty and insecure, and really, none of your business. That's like going through a guys wallet, and your lucky he tolerated it.

Mystific, your advice definitely helped the most. Thanks for not being cruel like the other two members. I asked for advice/help not cruel criticism. P.S.we really discussed the issue thoroughly and we're doing great :) Thx a bunch!

Talaniman: I don't know why you have so much reputation because your answered SUCKED. Surely was not advice. First of all let me educate you because obviously you didn't read the post correctly. He is not just a guy he is my boyfriend of over a year. Therefore, it certainly IS my business and so what I'll go through his wallet too, what's the big deal? I'm not controlling and neither is he. And you make no sense when you say that you could see why I would be upset, but then you call me insecure. Well does that make you insecure also because you agreed? If it's petty and insecure of me then I guess you would say that he is petty and insecure too because he told me he would be pissed if the tables were turned. Now why is that? How about you learn how to give some advice and not your own judgements because last time I checked I was asking for help. And make some sense while you're at it. Thank you.

Joypulv: Secrets? Did you miss the part where we're in a serious relationship? In case you didn't know... when you have one of those, there's no such thing as having intentional secrets. And I was not technically snooping because we were sitting right next to each other and he could clearly see what I was doing. Innocent memories of exes? Is that fully possible? Exes... hmmm people that you've possibly slept with in the past and shared feelings with. Oh yes, that's innocent. You must have torn relationships because of your secrets. Self fulfilling prophecy

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Originally Posted by Cupcake01

He is not just a guy he is my boyfriend of over a year. Therefore, it certainly IS my business and so what I'll go through his wallet too, what's the big deal?

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No, it's not your business. My husband of 20 years still has pictures of his ex wife.

Snooping is nobody's business and that's exactly what you did. He deserves his privacy.

So you wouldn't mind him snooping through your purse.

Look missy, it's called RESPECT. You respect his privacy or all of your jealous antics will get you without a boyfriend.

J9: Sorry lady, but when people get married they become one. They are a part of each others business. It's not snooping because I didn't do it behind his back. Clarification. Also, OK pictures of his ex wife is lovely, but are they carried around in his phone. Are their NUMEROUS pictures of many different ex girlfriends in his pocket as well? And how would you feel if he said he can have his pics of his ex wives but you can't have any of your ex husbands or ex boyfriends because he'll get mad. I take it you like double standards. Privacy... hmmm so I assume if he cheats on you you have to respect that also because that's his privacy and his own fantasy world which is clearly not your business. Oh? Interesting.

You really have an attitude don't you? Are you always this rude and self-righteous? If so, it's a wonder you have any friends at all!

How kind of you. I was going to ask the same of you :)

Cupcake, please read the rules you agreed to when signing up on AMHD. Disagrees/not helpful, is only to be used for factually incorrect info, not for opinions.

You may not like the advice you're getting, but that's what happens when you put your question on an open forum. People have different view points. It's up to you to read them, and choose the ones you wish to follow, but remember that the people answering your questions are all volunteers, they took the time to read your post, and to respond to it. A little respect would be nice. Okay?

I have been with my husband for 20 years, married for 15, and I have to say, we don't tell each other everything. Yes, you merge two lives together when you marry, but every human being has a right to privacy, even when they're part of a couple.

The way I see it is a bit differently than everyone else. I do think you snooped and you didn't have a right to, but it's a bit late to take it back. If these pictures are bothering you this much, he should be able to respect that and compromise with you. Does he automatically have to delete them because you want them deleted? No. But, he should take your feelings into consideration.

The way to handle this would be to calmly sit down with him and calmly tell him how you feel. Don't yell, don't demand that he do what you want, and most of all, listen to his side. Together you can reach a compromise. That's what being in a relationship is all about. Compromise.

Hopefully you like Altenweg's soothing words.

Partly this is a subject that changes as you get older. People have exes who died and they are very much in their hearts regardless of new relationships. People have children to share with exes and new spouses or partners. Getting along without jealousy is extremely important. Leaving space in a relationship is too - time alone behind a closed door, don't use my towel, I need a day out with the ladies or the guys. It will help you last longer. 'We are one' is great during the romantic stage but a killer during all those long, long stages to follow.
Now where's that quote from Kahlil Gibran we used to say in the 60s about the 2 trees?

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Originally Posted by joypulv

'We are one' is great during the romantic stage but a killer during all those long, long stages to follow.

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Gah... if my hubby still acted like that I'd be hittin' the road! Too smothering for me!

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First of all let me educate you because obviously you didn't read the post correctly. He is not just a guy he is my boyfriend of over a year.

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He is still just a guy from the way you treat him. If you have been in a relationship with someone for over a year, then you wouldn't be arguing about what's on his phone and demanding he delete it. You would be talking, AND listening to each other. As for educating me, my mind is open, share some wisdom, and sorry my post was harsh, it was meant to be to open your eyes to some very specific areas. That's why those areas were highlighted.

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Quote by Talaniman,
he didn't have the good sense of putting them away so you don't have to see them or be bothered by them. You could have suggested that, or kept your hands off his phone. Anything would have been better than arguing about it though.

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I really wish you would have given it some thought, and taken a different approach. That was the whole problem, your approach to the problem. No doubt since this was an argument, he did not agree with your approach to the pictures on his phone, or what you wanted to do about them. But I think this is what ticked you off.

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That's petty and insecure, and really, none of your business. That's like going through a guys wallet, and your lucky he tolerated it.

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I said that because of what you wrote, that you argued over this 3 times.

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Quote by cupcake,
We've talked about it before and he felt like they were no big deal. At least three more times we had arguments about the pics because once again I kept seeing them in his phone and noticed he wouldn't never let me hold his phone

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Therefore, it certainly IS my business and so what I'll go through his wallet too, what's the big deal? I'm not controlling and neither is he.

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Then what are you arguing about with him? Your approach to him having pictures were from your own fears and insecurities and you argued because he didn't address them the way you wanted him to, because he didn't want to. That's controlling, and he resisted, and you argued. His phone was your business because YOU said so. That's controlling. You put him in a box, and gave him no reasonable choice but give you what you want. That's controlling. That's what the arguing is about, him resisting YOUR control.

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And you make no sense when you say that you could see why I would be upset, but then you call me insecure. Well does that make you insecure also because you agreed?

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Not really, but maybe I am, or have been, but I have learned a better approach to my own fears and insecurities and that to face them and deal with them in a productive way, like thinking first, before I act, or speak, and not just act on feelings without facts, and looking for better options other than acting out of whatever feelings are going through me. There are always better ways to get what you want other than fighting, or shouting, or trying to control things so you feel better.

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If it's petty and insecure of me then I guess you would say that he is petty and insecure too because he told me he would be pissed if the tables were turned. Now why is that?

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Because you both are petty and insecure and he has no clue how to address that without running into a big conflict. Don't bother denying it, the arguing speaks for itself, That you argued so many tines over it, speaks volumes about your approach to this as had he let you control HIS phone, then the conflict would have been over, right? That's control. Your approach, and reaction to the advice you were giving confirms that also, as being argumentative is also a sign of CONTROL. (Yeah I can be controlling myself, when I want something, HeHe!)

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How about you learn how to give some advice and not your own judgments because last time I checked I was asking for help. And make some sense while you're at it. Thank you.

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What's the point of asking when you don't listen, or are unwilling to listen to what was told you? Just look at how you treat a guy who you are in a relationship wit? You wanted those pictures deleted and couldn't understand why he just didn't do it, BUT you had no other reasonable compromise to offer so you both could be happy. It was your way, or the conflict. Geeez, if he had taken them off his phone and put them on a flash drive would that have made you happy? Be honest!! Why didn't you suggest it as a reasonable compromise. Because you didn't want to be reasonable or take time to think of alternatives. It was all about him appeasing you right now, the way you wanted, DELETE the pictures off HIS phone, after all its only a push of a button. Yeah right, but you failed to recognize he resisted, because he didn't want to delete them. But you didn't care about any of that because you were selfish, insecure and controlling, and the reason I was/am blunt, is so when you calm down and think on it. You can work on yourself enough to see you have better choices than arguing, and lashing out impulsively.

You don't have to listen to anyone, but don't ask for help/advice, unless you are willing to think about it, at least. Let me call attention to your other posts here, just so you know that even though I don't respond to all the posts I do read them, and I know you better than you think from what you have written before, and this first one was very telling,

https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/teens/...an-518088.html,

So while you are trying to educate me young lady, you would do well to realize that maybe my old a$$ has experienced this sort of thing before, and what you think is a harsh judgment was more experience being passed on to the one that could benefit. Just so you know, I like you would never tolerate anyone controlling me, or disrespecting my personal space, and I am sure your boyfriend is starting to get that idea to so pay attention to how you approach another human being.

We all have a limit to how much crap we take off some one else.

Comment on Altenweg's post

You're right. There are some opinions and things I don't like, but I know people are entitled to their own and I do realize I put this on a forum. We did come to a compromise after calming down by the way. Thanks for the advice.

Comment on joypulv's post

Yes, I did like Altenweg's words actually. Thx. And I guess my b.f and I are still on the romantic stage then.

He has pix of his ex? So what. I have pix of an ex somewhere, I even have pix of an ex fling on my bedroom wall.

I look at those pix now as happy memories, I look at the fun times I had because they generally were. They remind me of the good times of life and what I have accomplished.

This does not mean if I had a girlfriend I am wanting to go back to an ex etc.

You strike me as being slightly insecure. Don't suffocate anyone, I learned this the hard way and still do it now and again. Just let them be who they are and do what they will within reason.

If they cheat on you then he wasn't worth it.

I see the issue, if you tell her want she wants to hear, it is a good answer, if you tell her the truth, she attacks,

Sorry cupcake, you are not here for real advice, you are merely here to be justified in your feelings.

You had no business demanding to see his phone, and I would bet at this point he is now wishing he was back with one of the ex'es or he is thinking about making you one of the ex'es soon.

If he keeps or does not keep photos of his ex's is none of your business, no matter how much you think it is.

Perhaps he should have saved them to a computer file, off his phone, but he should have them 20 years from now for memories if he wants to.

He had a past before he meet you and he has a right to keep some memories of those times.

You are only going to ruin any relationship being so demanding and invading the persons space.

Next note, *** don't use the comment feature to give info, answer your own post to add more info.

I just came across these posts accidentally and its been nearly a year so Im curious how things have worked out.
Had I been on the scene to post something from the beginning I probably would have asked you if your partner and you were able to come to some mutual agreement where both people could outline exactly what their expectations were e.g 'When you have photos in your phone or on your laptop (this I can relate to), I feel insecure about our relationship and your devotion to me.' He may say, "When you look through my phone (or laptop), I feel angry that you dont respect my privacy." Either way, if you can make an actual list of each others expectations being very specific, you will feel HEARD and hopefully validated so that each one can consider how their perception may be skewed. Its important to feel secure and confident of course but sometimes I think it's a matter of wiring from men to women. I hate to use the gender excuse but at 42 years of age and having learned some very difficult lessons (and Im still trying to learn, sometimes its easier than others lol), I have come to realize that no matter how well an intelligent person explains and articulates their opinion there's some people who just don't have the willingness to bend and make compromises for EACH OTHER. :) I think contentment is sometimes obtained by merely choosing your battles. You'll lose sight of your value and compromise yourself worth if these photos of a former flame consume you. Don't let the past chip away at your future. If what you've got with him overall isn't something really special than maybe the photos are just a reason you're looking for to part ways. If your Sweetheart is being "sentimental" lol that's one thing, but recreating the past to appease the ego is foolish. The past is never as good or as bad as it was. Its just the past. Water under the bridge. Don't look in the rear-view mirror when the road is wide open ahead. Haha Im getting corny here. Blessings to everyone that reads this. May you know you were created with a destiny no one else can fulfill. So don't lose your way hoping to be loved and cherished. (I think this speech is for me lol).