I'm 20 years old. Ever since I was younger all I have ever wanted to be was a psychologist. I've always wanted to help people through their tough times no matter how mediocre or serous there problem seems. I always want to help people. So I tried really hard in high school got a score that is kind of low in my country but was still able to do a BA in psychology in a location far from home. At the time it was really hard but I persevered and got transferred to a closer university to home after a year. I have now recently finished and completed my BA in psych but need to get into an honours program but missed out by two points to get a clearly in score so there is still the chance. My two other university friends didn't get in either until recently she got a phone call saying that she was accepted. I feel so helpless depressed **** even though I'm so happy for her. I hate putting on a happy face when all I want to do is curl up and cry.
In the meantime my whole life my parents have fought with each other and until recently my father moved out. My parents constantly had big arguments to the point where I needed to be in the middle of them because they were getting physical. My mother filed for divorce two weeks ago. I feel like my life is so messed up, how am I going to possibly be able to be happy again. It's like everywhere I look everything is just falling to pieces.
My brother won't speak to my father and my father during my exams needed to have surgery on his shoulder. I had to be at my father's side in hospital and after and to this day am helping him, taking him to the doctors, cooking, cleaning etc. I'm upset at my brother because it's like I have this huge burden on my shoulders, even though I love my dad so much I just wish he would get over it and help me. I've caught my father crying a couple times and I feel so inadequate. I just want to heal his pain.
On top of this the days leading to my major essay being handed in, my boyfriend of 5 years had a psychotic episode and was in hospital for two weeks in and out. He is better now and is supporting me but I don't want him to relapse.
What do I do? All I think about is my family falling to pieces, and not having a future. I think about suicide constantly, thinking about easy ways to do it and that people won't assume that I killed myself so that wouldn't have to carry that burden. If this is how life is to be for me I don't want to be alive. I don't see things getting any better. Recently I developed a skin condition which the doctor said was due to stress, and I just feel so anxious all the time. I get dizzy easily because I don't eat and can't sleep. I don't have the energy to do anything anymore. Please help me, I know this is a very long message and didn't go into much detail.