Every year my husband always buys my step daughter an expensive gift with a birthday party. In the opposite side, he neglects my feeling for my birthday. He never celebrate my birthday before. Last year, I just wanted him to make me happy, so I texted him to remind him. He came home that night with a cheap-.. ss fan teddy bear for my birthday. I am not a 9 yrs old grl who likes toys or candy. When I saw that teddy bear hidden under my blanket, I was so disappointed about him because I thin I deserved more than that. I turned on the fan , it was not working. I told him that this is not right.what make you buying this cheap gift for me. You valued me so low and only could deserved this gift from you. I threw that broken fan teddy bear ($7) into the trash can. He said he doesn't have money. I felt so sad and didn't talk to him for a day.
Last Tuesday, he came home with a new iPod touch to surprise my step daughter for her birthday. It cost almost $350 and also he's going to celerbate her birthday this Sunday. The party cost about $300. I was lying on bed and the memories brought me back to the broken fan teddy bear. I cried so hard under blanket. My husband came in the room. He heard me sniffing. He thought I was sick but when he saw me crying, he just went to the restroom and ignored me. Later during the night, he finally asked me to see why I was crying when we were on bed. I didn't tell him at the time. I pulled myself away from him and didn't look at him or answer him, I just cried like a baby.
the next day's morning, I texted him a message about how he treat me and his own daughter unfair. He only made his daughter happy and always neglected my feelings. He always said he don't have money to buy stuff for my birthday, christmas and so on, but why he always has money to buy his own daughter expensive gift for her birthday and christmas and also celebrate her birthday everyyear. I told him that he never think about how I feel or what I wanted from him. When I wanted to spend time alone with him, he always hang out with his friends at his friend's shop drinking. I told him that I am very sad and disappointed for what he did . I am his wife for 5 years and only deserved a broken fan teddy bear.
he came home that night and said I am so selfish. He said I always being selfish and compare with his daughter. I told him that I don't compare anything with my step daughter but at least he has to make both of us happy. He shouldn't only make one person happy and neglect the other. He asked me to see if I see him buying anything for him. I told him that he has two women in his life, he has to make everybody happy. I don't expect him to buy me an expensive gift for my birthday, christmas but at least a decent gift, not a broke fan teddy bear . Or at least take me out dinner for my birthday . He can buy a nice sexy shirt only cost &20 or a romantic sexy sleeping clothes only cost $40 and he can make me happy and brighten my day. I didn't expect him to buy me a brand name gift. There's a lot of ways to make his wife happy. He didn't say anything.. he just said step mother never love her husband's daughter and shaked his head. He just ignored what I told him. So I just left the house and went to my parent's house for 2 hrs because I don't want to argue with him about that. Later at the night , he didn't sleep with me, he went to sleep in his daughter room.
I am very sad every time I think about that. I just wanted him to make me happy also, not only his daughter. Any suggestion or recommendation. I really need your valuable advices.

How old is your stepdaughter? Does she live in the home with you?
Perhaps he feels guilty but he does seem to not have a clue about how this must look to you.
If could not afford a wife and a daughter, he should have not married you.

I find it strange that you have this competition going on with his young daughter. Birthdays are different for our children, than our own birthday's. Children come first. If it means he spends more on her because she is a child, and less on you, because you should understand her birthday takes priority over yours, what's with the waterworks.

You crying like a baby over him not giving you more, doesn't mean he loves you less, or that you are entitled to more than a teddybear. You expect him to spend lavishly on you, and behave like a spoiled child when you don't get what you think you deserve. I say again, children come first.

Perhaps he doesn't try a little harder because you put out so much drama, that nothing will be good enough, because you will always compare what you got, to what he gave his daughter. If he spent $300 on his daughter, would you be satisfied with a $20 gift? I don't think so. My guess is you'd toss that in the trash just like you did the last gift.

Children come first. If that is his priority, as it should be, you are in no position to put a wedge in there. She is a child, you are an adult. A paycheque only goes so far.

My husband and I have children, and I can't imagine having a hissy fit because my daughter got a cell phone, and all I got was a lousy card. You have your whole life with him, his daughter is only a child for so long.

You sound like a spoiled princess to me.

Yes children always come first. I even treat her like a princess. I just don't like the fact that he never think about me and my feeligns. My behavior is not like a spoiled kid when I don't get what I deserved. I just need him at least get a little bit attention for me. I don't care how much he spend on his daughter but when he buy me something, it has to be at least decent gift. Of course I would be satisfied with a &20 gift. I don't need him to buy me a brand name gift cost so much money. I just don't want him to treat me like a baby with a broken fan teddy bear. That teddy bear was not even working when I received the gift.the previous post I did say " i dont expect him to buy me an expensive gift". Yes I did cried like a baby when memories brought me back to " the broken fan teddy bear" because I am not a kid and he knew I don't like teddy bear, chocolate as the other woman loves.

My step daughter is 14 yrs old. She lives in the home with us. My husband treat her like a queen. Whatever she wants, he always says yes to her even we don't have money. We still have to find the money to buy it for her.

Maybe you need to sit down, together, and budget money. If he is spending money that he doesn't have on his daughter, he surely won't have more money to spend on you that he doesn't have either.

14 is old enough to know that expectations do not necessarily mean you get what you want. At some point children, and adults, have to be realistic, mature, and gracious enough to accept any gift, no matter how big, or how small, for the sentiment only- not the cash value. That would inlude the broken teddy bear that you threw in the garbage and had a meldown over.

I hope that your step daughter is not aware of your reaction or opinion on what her father spends on her gifts, and that she doesn't hear you and her father arguing over her. To draw her into this private matter between you and your husband, not only puts him in the middle between you and her, but creates an environment of competition.

I'm sure she is already aware with her father sleeping in her room, instead of with you, as you pointed out, that something is wrong, and she is somehow responsible for it.

You and your husband both have to figure out what you can afford for gifts, in the family budget. The whole shebang- birthdays, Christmas, anniversary, etc. Then decide upon a reasonable amount for each important date. If it works out to $100 instead of $500, his daughter and your step daughter is old enough to understand that. Maybe consider combining both your birthdays' (step daughter and you) for one special event- a weekend away, a trip to an amusement park, tickets to a theatre production, etc.

And if the 14 year old realizes that the big bashes and expensive gifts are coming to an end, perhaps if there is something she really wants, she can start babysitting, or doing chores to earn her own money to contribute toward it herself. You say you treat her like a princess, and her father treats her like a princess, well, why would she not expect it to continue.

But, your reaction toward your husband not doing enough, showing enough, or spending enough on you, is valid to a point. There are many things he could do that do not cost a lot of money- even making dinner. But, if you are expecting him to lavish the same money and attention on you, that he does on his daughter, as it is now, is unrealistic.

Until the two of you make some changes and start living within your means, nobody's needs are going to be met here. And if you seriously set an example for your step daughter that it is the sentiment, not the cash value, that really counts, you will be teaching her a valuable lesson in life.

No I didn't expect him to lavish the same amount money and all attention to me, the point is I just want him to make me happy also. I never argued with my husband in front of my step daughter over the expensive gift or anything. All I do is just send him a message about how I feel.I always explained to my step daughter about our budget, but she just don't want to understand. The other day, I thought he went to sleep at my step d room because he was not unhappy with what I said. He said he slept in her room because she stayed up that night until 12pm which is she supposed to be sleep at 10pm. He stayed in her room to make sure she went to sleep because every time he left her room and came back to bed, he always heard noises from her room. So he got tired to come back and forth.

Every time I sit down with my husband talk about our budget money. I told him that we need to save money for our emergency situation. We can't just spend all the money without saving some .then he told me if he still has a strength to work, he can spend. He doesn't care too much about money or saving.that's the way how he lives before he met and married me. He could live through the past, he sure do he still can do it for future. His family advised him about saving before, not only me.

Thanks for your valuable advises.

You need to have a conversation when you are not upset or angry, it would help to even go to counseling.
Children come first, but he also chose to marry again and he must at least try and be both husband and father.
If there is a problem with finances he needs to deal with them. It is not just he and his daughter any longer.

https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/childr...er-527984.html

I had to read your other post for some insights to your situation and its very clear that even after 5 years you have made little progress in having a united front to raise your step daughter. This is behind this whole thing I think, as she has pretty much manipulated your dumb a$$ husband and has become a wedge against any kind of working together between the two of you.

The next time you visit your parents, better plan on being there for a while, as removing yourself from this situation and letting those two fend for themselves is your best solution, in my opinion, and don't go back until you are promoted from live in baby sitter to queen. And don't forget to include back pay for the years you have already served.

Having said all that though, its important that you acknowledge the large part you played in this dysfunctional marriage by accepting this behavior for so long, as its very hard to believe you didn't see how things were from the years you lived together before marriage. So while he is an idiot, and she is a brat, you are at least a third responsible for the way things are, and that makes you an enabler.

You want to change things? Leave, and get a job, after you finish your education, and learn not to be an enabler by setting boundaries, and not taking his crap, or hers.

Cry later, but for now, handle your own business, and be responsible for your own happiness.

Good luck!

No, a husband and wife sit down and BUDGET their money, they write down all of the bills, write down all of the money coming in and figure out what goes into savings and what can be spent on other things.

Also what do you go and buy yourself, go buy yourself a birthday gift and tell him what he has just bouht you if you need to fell justified.

(talamian)yeah I been living with them for years before marriage and it was my fault that I didn't think carefully before married him. Along with the other post, this step daughter and my hubby make me unhappy a lot. I did think about moving back to my parent house but I just don't know how I am going to to tell them because I am freshly married. If things seem getting worse in few months, I will pack my stuff and will not hesitate to move back with my parent and complete my education.