3 months ago I don't even remember why but I stopped talking to my dad. I am 18 years old. My dad lives in Vancouver for his business so he contacts us via email, phone, and text. I stopped talking to him in all ways at once, I'm pretty sure I must have been angry at him but I took this too far. I really wanted to talk to him but I have such an extreme amount of different feelings about my dad I seriously have no idea what to say to him. This Friday he is coming over to have a dinner with me and Bill (my dad's friend) is coming. I can be an extremely emotional person under confrontation like this and my dad's friend is coming :O. I do want to reunite with my dad, and I can't believe I shut him out like this. I feel so bad and I wish I had never done this, if I was him I'd be extremely heartbroken. I have a lot of very angry feelings towards him but I've realized that I don't truly know him, I've had tons of personal conversations with him, but they were all about me; school, grades, college, my future. I only know him from my separated mother, whom I live with, said. Like I said he is trapping me with his friend for dinner and this will be the first time we talked for 3 months. Can anyone help me? O_O

You need to take a deep breath and just relax for a bit here.

If you truly want to reconnect with your Dad then you need to keep your emotions in check for this dinner. I understand that you have some anger and unresolved feeling towards him but, you don't want to let your emotions run amuck and ruin it all over this dinner which I think is something just to break the ice between you too. I suggest that you keep things light... don't try to discuss any major issues. Try to avoid any major subjects that would cause any blow ups on both your parts. I'm very sure that he feels just as alkward as you do about this whole situation.

You don't really get into why you are angry at him and that's OK. Getting reaquainted over a dinner is a good place to start. I suggest that you tackle the issues you have with him at another time. Perhaps spending a day or weekend, just you and him where you can talk openly about how you feel and deal with one issue at a time. Despite all this great technology we have for keeping in touch there is really no substitue for actually spending some real time together. I believe that is what you have to strive for to make the connection last. Good luck to you!

Well, if you're feeling trapped, that's already a bad way to start the reunion. Who's idea was this? I get the impression is was his, as you seem to have mixed feelings. You said that you want to be reunited. So maybe dinner with just him would be better. And you should pick the place, someplace you're familiar with and comfortable in.

Do you remember what you were so upset about? Did something specific happen? Do you have unresolved issues from over the years? Whatever is bothering you or you want to tell him, write it all down first. That way you can collect your thoughts and know everything you want to communicate to him or ask him.

Does the relationship between your mother and father have anything to do with your anger issues?

https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/parent...ay-533335.html

ERROR: You must spread some Reputation around before giving it to ironhide262 again

Relax and see this as an opportunity to just spend time and reconnect. Take small steps now, and more later. Life is easier if you take it by the inch, but hard if you take it by the yard.

You don't have to solve everything over dinner, just enjoy being together again.

I'm sorry, but what anger issues do I have? The biggest outbreak I've had is punching my wall in. I'm a very nice and calm person in every other aspect.

I'm thinking it was Bill's idea (my dad's friend). I highly agree with having dinner with just him, but I'm afraid its not possible for I have already agreed to this. I honestly can't remember the initial incident.

I have lots and lots of unresolved issues, in fact probably every issue with my father is unresolved. Thank you for the suggestion to write down what I want to tell him, I will give that a try.

I have no idea what kind of conversations are going to go on at this dinner, but I have a feeling this colloquy will be controlled by my dad and his friend. I really hope it will just be hanging out, having decent conversations. You said try to avoid major subjects; how am I to do that if this dinner is based around the conversations I don't want to have? I'm sorry if I sound like an a-hole (questioning your answer), but I don't mean to. Thank you for your insight.

The issues I have with my father give me more depression than anger. Not all the issues I have with my mom bring anger. I love my mom and she has definitely brought more joy to my life than any other negative emotion.

This was the first time I have used one of these ask sites. And I am immensely grateful for all your contributions. If you guys didn't take the time to answer my question with such respect, I don't know what I would be doing to myself. Thank you all so much.

Sincerely
Jonathan. G

He is coming with his friend, you merely be friendly and don't address anything at a family event.

After this, start talking to him again, be honest with your feelings. Don't discuss or dwell on the time you have not talked at this point, he knows you have not. Just start talking again after the dinner is over

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you said try to avoid major subjects; how am I to do that if this dinner is based around the conversations I don't want to have

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A conversation is an exchange of ideas/thoughts between two people. If you are uncomfortable talking about a certain subject then you can always tell your father( or his friend) that you do not want to talk about it at this time. You can control and decided what you would like to talk about... just be polite about it.

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I have a lot of very angry feelings towards him but I've realized that I don't truly know him

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The fact that you have many unresolved issues coupled with heaps of anger and that you have not spoken for months means that you have to start at square one! That means LEARNING HOW TO COMMUNICATE AGAIN. In other words... how to talk, express your ideas and just as important how to listen... all while keeping your emotions in check( I know that is not easy but, it's crucial). That goes for the both of you. Keeping things light, talking about what the both of you have been up to these last few months and getting reaquainted is a good place to start. All your problems with him can not and will not be resolved in a day. This is going to be a long road with tons of communication to build up trust.

After you are comfortable with each other then you can inch your way to tackling these unresolved issues. It's going to take a lot of patience, tolerance and just plain old time but, after a while if the both of you are comunicating effectively there is no reason why you cannot come to a mutual understanding.

My young friend, I think once you realize and accept the fact you have no control over your parents, or their actions, words or motives, or the situation you find yourself in, then you can focus on what you can control, and that's YOU. It is what it is and no matter what, they are your parents and give them dignity, and self respect no matter what! You stay cool, calm and collected, no matter what.

Soon you will be of age to do as you please, The world to explore and all the privacy you need. Be patient till then and act out of love, and not anger or frustration. Put that first, your love for them, and you won't have to worry about what the conversation is, or what the outcome of this dinner will be.

Whatever the issues are with your father, I know your anger comes from confusion, and hurt, specifically, I don't know. But I do know if you keep your heart open, and let it be love, there will be no anger. Maybe not an over abundance of happiness, but NO anger.

Its simple, merely listen and pay attention, and stay focused on the love. You can do this, and set the tone for your own future happiness.

If you feel like you are getting ambushed into talking about things you are not ready to broach with the friend present then try and politely say so.

Just say, I'm glad you want to sort things out, but as we haven't seen each other for a while can we just chat and get reaquainted over this meal and perhaps meet up later to talk more. Then when it comes to arranging something else you can politely make it clear you would like some one on one time with your dad.

If anything arises that makes you uncomfortable try and take a deep breath and think before responding. There's nothing wrong with simply saying, 'I need to think about that,' if you feel a little wrong-footed and want to work out how to respond, or want to put off your response until later.

It might also be helpful to have a couple of topical conversation ideas up your sleeve so you can say, 'hey did you watch the game last week.' or whatever.

There's plenty of people out there, me included, whose fathers simply couldn't be bothered to have any involvement at all in their lives. Yours might be making clumsy attemps but at least he is making some effort. Do value that.

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3 months ago I don't even remember why but I stopped talking to my dad. I am 18 years old. My dad lives in Vancouver for his business so he contacts us via email, phone, and text. I stopped talking to him in all ways at once, I'm pretty sure I must have been angry at him but I took this too far. I really wanted to talk to him but I have such an extreme amount of different feelings about my dad I seriously have no idea what to say to him.

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I'm sorry, but what anger issues do I have? The biggest outbreak I've had is punching my wall in. I'm a very nice and calm person in every other aspect.

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I'm thinking it was Bill's idea (my dad's friend). I highly agree with having dinner with just him, but I'm afraid its not possible for I have already agreed to this. I honestly can't remember the initial incident.

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I have lots and lots of unresolved issues, in fact probably every issue with my father is unresolved.

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Not sure why, these statements stand out to me, but some clarity would help!

How long have your parents been apart? Do you have siblings? Punching walls is a red flag of anger issues.

Its kind of weird that you dad is bringing a friend to eat dinner with you and that it was his friends idea. Could you of been angry with dad due to this "Friend" in the first place?

No I am not angry due to his friend. I know that Bill is the person my dad would talk to about problems, who's idea it was is irrelevant though.

Punching the wall beats sitting in the corner of my room all flustered with negative thoughts. It caused some relief.

As the others have suggested you need to learn to reconnect. You are old enough to have boundries of your own. And if this dinner is a getting acquainted again kind then allow it to be. This looks like an olive branch so don't throw it in the fireplace. If you still love your dad then at the end be sure to tell him so. Im sure he realizes too that not everything is OK. So learn to go with the flow. Don't let your emotions control you. Keep them in check and keep an open mind. The surest way to learn something about someone is to listen. Its really that simple. After the dinner and so long as you feel your reconnecting then build on it and later express yourself. This isn't a conflict it's a path to healing. Turn the frown upside down. See it's a smile :)

So do your best to not blurt out and listen a little. Maybe he has something to say and if he's crossing boundries don't retaliate just accept and ask not to go there at this time because your not comfortable. Don't create conflict. Relax.

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punching the wall beats sitting in the corner of my room all flustered with negative thoughts. It caused some relief.

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No, its not okay and is not better than sitting in a corner frustrated. Its never okay to lash out in anger,at others or the wall. There are much better ways to deal with your anger. It may feel good to punch a wall but it would be better to punch a bag instead. A much more controlled vent to your anger. But first you must understand it, and yourself.

Effectively Coping with Anger - Psychologist 4therapy.com

"Work at forgiving others for their part in triggering your anger. Begin to believe that these people struggle with their emotions on a daily basis, just as you do. It can be difficult to come to a realization of this, but you can trust that they struggle also."

Coping With Anger - How to Cope With Anger

10 Tips for Coping with Anger- Beliefnet.com

As you see there is a wealth of positive healthy ways to cope with anger, that can add benefit to your life. Lashing out impulsively is not one of them. Please don't ignore this very visible red flag in yourself. Confront it, and deal with it effectively.

Lets look at this innocent wall punching as it might go down in a different situation.

Man and wife start fighting. Turns to anger and the heat goes up. Out of frustration the man hits the wall and puts a hole in it. Doesn't hit the wife or anything.

Doesn't sound that bad does it. After all at least he's not a wife beater.

Well the end of the story can be written that the wife calls the police and the man goes to jail with domestic violence charges.

Nice huh? Now if you reverse this situation and it's the wife that hits the wall. Guess what? She (maybe you) can go to jail too. And if children are involved then you just kiss them bye because your in a losing battle for custody.

If you don't like the sounds of that then take the time now to address your anger issues and realize that the world doesn't revolve around you. Do it now while your still young as later it will be looked upon as "you should have known better".

Make it happen now. Learn self control and focus your anger energy in positive ways. Learn to let go when needed and pick your battles more carefully.

I can see some people think this is a redflag for anger issues. Honestly I find it offensive. I have never had any history of violence, I never lash out at people. I didn't have to punch that wall, I wanted to. This wasn't a uncontrolled lash of anger it was a hesitated punch of "I'm sick of this," relief. I know how to deal with anger properly and I have been successful for the first 18 years of my life. I do meditation daily, I actually have a completely stress free life (aside of the once 15 minutes a day that I would come into my room). Everyone slips up sometimes. I think you guys need to stop over analyzing a few words people put on the forum and maybe say something that actually helps the situation they are in.

Aside from that, thank you @qlp, @talaniman, @ironhide262, @fr_chuck, justcurious55, @clifdadof3, and anyone I missed. Reading what you put helped me through this more than you know. Just to let you know what ended up happening is we did not end up talking about what happened between us until we were saying goodbye. I had a very enjoyable dinner with my dad and his friend, catching up on what we missed.

I read your comments twice a day, and once right before my dinner, your words were very helpful. I think without them I would have said things I would have regretted. Thanks again. I know I thank people a lot on here but I feel it is necessary.

I know your just trying to help, I'm sorry if my comment is harsh; but it is how I feel. Directed @califdadof3, and @talaniman

Please don't be offended by our concern, we want the best for you my young friend.

I am glad things worked out well, and I hope you can build on it for a happy future relationship. I think I speak for all of us when I say well done, and good luck, and hope you update us, and ask away at any of your future concerns.

As you see we adopt people very easily here. We all love it when things work out well. :D :)

I have read your links, and I found I knew everything they had to say. I already control my anger in the write way. I fall under none of the catorgories found in your first link. I know this I know I am happy with my life.