Ask Me Help Desk - Can I do better?

Ive been seeing my partner for just over a yr. he has moved in with me and we've been living together for 4 months. He has 2 kids, one in which he sees and stays with us from time to time, and the other he doesn't have contact with. He pays for both of them. I've been recently diagnosed with depression and also found out I'm dyslexic. Which is really hard cause I'm not sure on how to respond to things or what to think. He has a bad credit rating and we got a credit card, its in my name, he pays me rent every month, but I'm paying off the card which he helps. He has gone and spent £500 on the card without my knowing, I feel he's taking advantage, he can sometimes be moody. I feel that I've helpded him learn to drive, get to see his son, rekindle relationship with his dad and help change career, he says he loves me and I know I love him.. but I feel used, or don't feel good enough I find it hard to find someone.. am I just settling or am I thinking about it too much?

He has a bad credit rating. Why do you think that is?

And you wonder why he has been buying things without your knowledge?

He may be taking advantage but you are letting him.

This is what happens when you get caught up in all the emotional stuff , don't see the reality in front of you and move at a million miles .i.e. moving in after 8 months.

You could never truly know a person after such a short a time.

Cancel the card.

I agree, cancel the card right away.

It's also time to set some boundaries and expectations. What kind of person would put almost $800 on somebody elses' credit card.

It seems you rescued him, and continue to rescue him. You allowed him to move in, but also provide your home to one of his son's. You have also helped him learn to drive, get to see his son, rekindle a relationship with his dad and help him change his career. So, after such a short time knowing him, and being aware of all these things, including his bad credit rating, you let him move in. I take it he moved in after about 8 months.

Too much too fast. I'd say that you've done a good job of getting this man back on his feet again. And I don't blame you for feeling that you are being used in the process. His needs have been emotionally great; you chose to take him on, and his problems, and is the cost emotionally to you, worth the sacrifices you've made?

Had he not moved in, at least his problems would have had a little distance from you, and you can more easily distance yourself from them. But, that you allowed him, and all his baggage into your life, makes me wonder- why.

Depression is something I am familiar with, professionally and personally. If this has come about during the time you have been with him, then you are also likely suffering with anxiety and confusion. I understand your need to regain some emotional composure. The key is figuring out how to have your own needs met, while setting boundaries with him so that you are not overwhelmed with essentially living two lives, instead of just one.

I see nothing wrong with considering making changes. Accept that you've done far more than most people would for a new partner in a relationship, and really take a long hard look at whether or not you will have to continue giving in such an unbalanced way to keep the relationship going.

If you are burned out and feeling used up, then time to also consider that your needs have to come first, especially when you are dealing with depression. You cannot be strong for anybody else until you are strong yourself. And even at that, if all your energy is going into rescuing somebody else, you are not getting the attention you need to give yourself.

This is your life, not his. Before you invest more of your life in this man, consider all options, starting with your needs, first.

You must be careful not to look to hard into things but also be wise its your credit record so find out what he is spending so much money on. And put a limit on the card and keep it on you seeing its YOURS, if he needs something he can tell you. If you love him it wouldn't feel like your just settling you have your bad days but you should never feel like that, if you feel you love him and its getting lost in all the stress spark the fire again, play a little hard to get, surprise him once a week do things diffrently, move the bed and other things in the house around, even a small change or surprise could make a spark, and go out for dinner once a week spend one on one time with each other talk to each other about your day etc

Thank you, I really appreciate your advice x

Quote:

Originally Posted by pip1991

You must be carefull not to look to hard into things

Look as hard as you have to in order to protect yourself.

Quote:

Originally Posted by pip1991

if he needs something he can tell you.

Let him buy his stuff on his credit card. Oh that's right he can't get one because he stuffed his credit rating by not paying what he owed.

He has abused your credit card so take him off it, explain why, and show him how to get his own. Merging finances and risking your money isn't part of the deal, and he has to earn those things for himself by being responsible like you did.