Ask Me Help Desk - Girlfriend says she needs space and is not sure what she wants?

Hey there my girlfriend and I have been dating for about 2 and a half months now and were together for about a month before we started dating. We have been best friends for seven years before we started seeing each other. We both moved to different cities, from our hometown, that are about 2 hours away. When we decided to start seeing each other we were very affectionate towards each other always holding hands and kissing. We only saw each other for about 5 to maybe 6 days a month. Last month I went through some bad times and I migth have become a bit clingy even though we had such a large distance between us. After everything fell apart in the other city I had a chance to move to where she lives so I did. We hadn't seen each other for about half a month before I went there and its only been a week since I've been in the other city, but we have seen each other a lot and I noticed she wasn't really as into the relationship as much as before. She tells me she hates holding hands and dislikes it when I kiss her as much as I used to. I asked her what was the matter and she told me she needed some space and was unsure about us and what she wants, she said she still loves me and wants to be with me, we kind of rushed into the relationship making all sorts of plans for the future. We were so tight before and now not so much. She is busy with university and works quite a bit and says she feels obligated to hangout with me because I don't know anyone else even though she has very little time. I told her not to worry as I would rather keep our relationship alive, I love her very much. Her sisters birthday supper is in four days and she still wants me to go with her. I want to give her space I know she needs it. Should I just not call her or see her and wait for her to call me? If she doesn't call should I call her after a few days? Or should I wait for the day of the supper?

If women ask for space , give them space , don't corss the line , only call her that day for her sister birthday , and when you guys even inside the party keep giving her space , don't rush yourself by kissing her or gettting close to her , unless she gives you the green light to do every thing don't do , give her largest space that you ever had , let her call you don't call her

I don't want her to feel like I'm neglecting her either by not contacting her. How will I know if I'm getting the green light?

You ben with her for long time , you can tell if she is ready to be the same like before by her actions and moves by looking at her face , but now she ask you , she need space , there is something annoying her inside , so give her the longest space she need , I know it's hurting you and there is pain in your chest, call her only on her sister birthday , and ask her what do if she wants to go with her or not , and don't say much when you meet her , just ask her how is she doing , and what is annoying her inside , if you notice she is still the same , don't ask her too many quesitons just go over there and stay a little bit and then tell her you want to leave , that only if you see her she is not talking to you or she is not like before , or you can do this move , you can ask her to talk to you on private and ask her what is bothring her and why she is isn't like before , but for now on don't do nothing until the birthday party

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Originally Posted by buddyguy123

... I noticed she wasn't really as into the relationship as much as before. She tells me she hates holding hands and dislikes it when i kiss her as much as I used to. I asked her what was the matter and she told me she needed some space and was unsure about us and what she wants

She hates holdings hands.
Dislikes it when you kiss her as much as you used to.
She needs space.
Unsure about "us".

Have you figured out what she wants yet?

She's letting you down easy... if that's what its called :confused:

She hasn't got the guts to tell you the truth. Which is IMO that she wants out.

Do you have the guts to see this for what it is? If you do then I suggest you cut contact and get on with your life.

Sorry if I'm being harsh man but please see this for what IT IS, not what you want it to be.

Sometimes long friendships don't turn into successful romantic ones. Sometimes distance, doesn't always make the heart grow stronger. And there is a difference between 'wanting space' and 'wanting space'. If you're in the kitchen bugging her while she's cutting carrots with a very sharp knife, giving her space is a good idea. If you're needy, clingy, uncertain, and insecure, needing space from that, is quite different.

While all the emotions and behaviour from you, was fueled by her rejection, which is really what it was, it is understandable that you would feel this way. If she's not coming right out and saying what she actually means, what are you to think. You're left hanging, wondering if you should call, or not call, or wait, or not wait. All the while you're doing what you think is the right thing, which is giving her what she wants- "space".

All I can add to what has already been said, is, don't let anybody control you. If she wants space, as her how much. Tell her, instead of the other way around, that you aren't going to wait forever for her to figure out what she wants. Tell her, that if you don't get a straight answer, or she can't make up her mind in a month, then consider the relationship over.

Don't be a sitting duck. You could be doing a lot more with your time than sitting on your butt, giving somebody their wishy washy 'space'.

No matter how long you have known each other as friends, there is still a lot to learn when you are in a relationship. When you are unsure of what she wants, or means, ask. Whatever she says take it as her feelings, and not take it as a personal rejection of you. That's very distracting when what you need is to be paying attention, and getting a clear understanding of what she means.

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I noticed she wasn't really as into the relationship as much as before. She tells me she hates holding hands and dislikes it when I kiss her as much as I used to.

Translation-Then slow down with the mushy stuff and just be the nice friendly guy she was attracted to before. While a show of affection is what you enjoy, curb yours and get back into her mind. Ask yourself what part of the friendship before was the best?

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I asked her what was the matter and she told me she needed some space and was unsure about us and what she wants, she said she still loves me and wants to be with me, we kind of rushed into the relationship making all sorts of plans for the future. We were so tight before and now not so much.

Translation-Again, slowdown with future stuff and get back to present day and go one day at a time. The relationship is still very new, has gone through distance, and you are actually getting reacquainted. Your world may have changed and now you are here where she is trying to rebuild where she has had a chance to establish routines and habits that work for her. That means slowing down, paying attention, and getting the lay of the land so to speak. In this way, you can get a path of your own, and blend your time together, and not intrude on her space, but be a part of it.

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She is busy with university and works quite a bit and says she feels obligated to hangout with me because I don't know anyone else even though she has very little time.

Translation- Get a life! Your own, to keep you busy when she is busy. Say good night, and catch each other up when you can. But being busy with dong your thing will give you balance and something to look forward to, and a lot less needy and dependent on her to make you happy. After all the goal is to get your stuff together, and have something good to share as you do. Then you can give you both something to look forward to, and not make the relationship a chore!

Having said that, friends for such a long time seldom make for good relationships, especially when things go so fast in the beginning. Go back to the friendship part as you build a life for yourself. Be brief, and understanding, when she is busy, and have plenty to do with new friends, and activities for yourself, starting NOW!!

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I want to give her space I know she needs it. Should I just not call her or see her and wait for her to call me? If she doesn't call should I call her after a few days? Or should I wait for the day of the supper?

I would be busy, and call her a few days before, just to get the plan together for the supper, but give her her own day or two for herself because she is probably having things to do herself. Just say hi, and see what's up. If she is busy, keep it very brief.

Nothing wrong though with wating until she calls YOU!!

We talked and she told me she is very confused, she said she isn't sure if she wants to settle into a city/school/or a boyfriend at the moment and the fact that she has so little time lately she hasn't been able to really comprehend everything that's going on. I know I have been a little clingy as of late, mainly because I'm trying to find my own self and she is really all I've got here. She said she doesn't want to leave me hanging and asked if I could bear with her for the time being, which I will. Above all else I want her to be happy. She told me that I'm worrying too much about the situation. I'm just wondering if there's something I'm not seeing here?

You depend on her too much! For EVERY thing! What a terrible burden she has.

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I know I have been a little clingy as of late, mainly because I'm trying to find my own self and she is really all I've got here.

Man up!

Talaniman Rule-Never wallow in your own sh1t!

Yes, you are right, you are not seeing what people are putting down here.

She would not need 'space' if she were committed to having a relationship with you. She can offer up all the excuses in the book from school, to work, to other commitment leaving her with no time, to a hang nail, but the bottom line is, she does not have for you. IF she were truly interested, there would be NO doubt, you would come before anything, and she would be putting your needs first, and you would be putting her needs first.

Her needs are being met, by you being a sad little puppy, waiting for your master to toss you a few crumbs, and then you'll be happy until you get lonely again, waiting for a few more crumbs. She is not interested enough with you, except to keep you hanging, with vague reference to your faults, as being part of the cause, for her needing 'space'. Nonsense!!

You have been given some very good, pactical advice here. Even if you only take one thing to heart, the effort would be worth it. Set your own standards a little higher. Allow yourself the luxury of demanding an answer to 'space', and give her, not her give you, a time limit. That could be a month, or six weeks, but you really should seriously think of boundaries here, and not allow her to walk all over them.

That she keeps you hanging like that is really bad behaviour, and that you allow it to happen, isn't much better. Somebody has to make a decision here, and move toward a conclusin of whether the relationship is going to work, or whether it isn't. I'd say if she can't make up her mind one way or the other in four weeks, I'd be closing that chapter, and moving on.

You need a life more than you need a relationship!!! You can't expect a busy progressive female to have nothing but pity, and annoyance with a guy who has nothing going for himself.

She works hard, you hardly work, yet you are more concerned about how she is not just gushing to give you attention. Trying to be nice but how long do you think she can hold out before giving up. And you really being desperate?

Sorry but there ain't that much love in the world. If you have time to be needy, you have time to get busy.

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Girlfriend says she needs space and is not sure what she wants?

How about a boyfriend who is doing something for himself she can love, and be proud of.

Don't worry if you aren't it she will find one.