Lately, over the two weeks, I've tried initiating sex with my fiancée many times. Before, we used to have sex at least once or more times a week. However, she has turned me down five times in a row now. At this point, my confidence is very low.

I think that she is attracted to me physically. Well, at least, I'm very athletic. I often play racquetball and run at least three times a week. I'm in my prime as far as physical attractiveness.

However, I don't think that she feels the same way that she once did when we kiss. I don't think that I turn her on like I used to. I don't know why... she says that all I want is sex, but I don't think this is true. I love her more than anything. I want to take care of her for the rest of our lives. I try to help her in anyway that I can. I look forward to marrying her very much. Yet, I definitely have a stronger sex drive than she does.

My question is-- what should I do? Should I try to suppress my need for sex? Am I in the wrong? Is she in the wrong? Should I be the one that needs to change? Should I push this issue or leave it alone and hope it goes away by itself?

I would prefer responses by women, but I appreciate any and all feedback in this. Thank you for your help.

How old are you both?

What else is going on in her life? Is she on any new medications? Does she take the birth control pill?

Stress is a HUGE libido killer. So is fear of pregnancy. She's turned you down 5 times in a row---is that 5 hours? 5 days? 5 weeks? How often are you asking?

And yes--if you continually push sex on someone not in the mood to begin with, it DOES feel like all you want is sex. Whether that's true, that's the way it comes across.

Do you cuddle with absolutely ZERO expectation of sex? Can you lay on the couch or smooch without it turning into a makeout session that drives to the bedroom? Or is it always that if you get ONE step, you push toward the next?

No one is in the wrong, exactly--but having different drives makes things frustrating both directions. My husband has a MUCH higher libido than I do. He could have sex 12 times a day and still be ready to go again. I'm more like... once every 12 days. Of course, I have some medical issues going on, and the medication I take and the stress in my life lately (going to school part time and working 50-60 hours a week) has basically made me exhausted and the LAST thing I want to do is add one more thing to my "to do" list--namely, sex. It becomes a CHORE when your life is already too full of "must do's". Doesn't matter how good it feels, because your mind isn't in it--and for women, sex is 99% mental.

So... what can you do? Well, first and foremost, I'd try talking about it with her. WITH her. No blame, no anger, no pointing fingers. Just a statement of "our sex life isn't what it was, I miss it, and wonder if we could talk about it" sort of thing. Then LISTEN to her. No, seriously--listen closely to her answers. Don't let her get defensive, but don't get defensive yourself. This is a discussion about your lives together that affects BOTH of you. It's a discussion you NEED to have. If you can't talk about sex with your partner, you shouldn't be having sex with that person anyway.

Thank you for your response. We are both in our 20s. When your husband wants sex, but you are not interested, how does he handle it? What is the appropriate response in this? Honestly, both she and I are still maturing in regards to this.

It took time, but he handles it gracefully.

Here's the thing: Because I've got such a full schedule CONSTANTLY, he's taken over many of my chores. Prior to this last year when I went back to school, our chores were split down the middle. He now does almost all of mine, and goes above and beyond on other things. Dinner is done when I come home after a 12 hour day--and still have homework to do. I get backrubs. He takes care of vet appointments for our cats and the grocery shopping so that I can just come home and do my homework and get enough sleep.

But the thing is this: He touches me when he walks by my desk. He refills my coffee when I'm so sucked into writing a paper I don't even notice it's empty. He rubs my shoulders and listens to my frustrations. And he does all of this with NO EXPECTATION of being "paid back" with sex.

That means that when I actually get out of work early, or have a free afternoon, or come to bed after a long day (his schedule is about 2 hours off mine, both to bed and getting up), I'm more likely to cuddle with him, or more willing to make out.

He's also learned to get into my head. There are obviously some days when I could get propositioned by Johnny Depp and Sean Connery together to have sex with them and they'd pay me $10 million to do it and I'd turn them down. It's just not going to happen when I'm up until 2 AM doing homework and have to get up at 6 to get to work, then work until 9, then come home and do it again. Sorry--I'd forget to EAT on those days, so sex is so far from my mind it's not even funny. He doesn't even TRY on those days. He just rubs my shoulders or kisses me sweetly or comes up behind me and hugs me tight.

He's also good at planning low-key evenings for the two of us that can be done impromptu because my schedule is wonky. So... if I'm actually home early or have no homework, he's got a surprise of dinner out, or a shop to go check out together or movie tickets or whatever. He PLANS things for us to do together to still do things outside of the house that aren't sex or sex-driven. Remember dating? Women always want to get back to the dating stage of the relationship because it was fun, you did things together, it was bonding experience, the guy showers the girl with attention and because there was no expectation of sex at the end of it. Men don't get that. At all. When's the last time you took her on a date and didn't expect to get laid at the end of it? When's the last time you bought her flowers--just because? Attention means EVERYTHING. If the only time you're paying attention to her (in HER eyes, remember, not YOUR eyes) are the times you want to get into her pants, well... no wonder she's shutting down.

So---I know my husband wants me for more than sex. I know he adores me, and cares for me, and isn't just building brownie points for sex. I also know he's deeply concerned about how hard I'm pushing myself, and about my medical issues. You need to make sure your girlfriend has confidence and trust that you're not going to leave if the nookie dries up--but the only way you're going to figure out HOW to do that for HER is to talk to her.

Nothing works the same for everyone. If there were a magic button that turned people on or fixed relationships for everyone--well, anyone that comes up with that will be rich and famous. What works for me, what *I* need--it might be completely different for her. But you need to TALK to her to figure out what she DOES need.

Got to spread the rep Synn but you are a wise woman with a gem of a husband. :)

Last I checked, I'm not a woman, but ill give my 2 cents worth.

You both are to blame and you both need to talk.

I have lived with a partner whose drive was fundamentally off from mine and it sucks. At some point, after you have worked and conceded and tried to suppress your needs... well... it just sucks.

I get that different lovers have different needs, different times of intimate interest, and different cycles.

Don't care. At least all that much. Have spent way too much time focusing on her needs, her rituals, her prime time, her desires... it is all good in moderation... which means you need some quid pro quo. Something for something. Compromise does not mean you bend to her will.

Again... I'm jaded.

"more foreplay" is a BS answer to her being engaged and interested. Yes... you are charged with being an attentive, interested lover.

All that said... so the hell is she.

So... stand your ground. Life does not get easier with more time together. It has great potential for wonderful moments and the low spots can be limbo low.

You need to ask her what she desires from you. You need to understand that intimate touch isn't the only path to showing commitment. But you also get some wiggle room.

You want to be chased. Welcome to humanity. You want her attention and focus. I think that is a part of being a couple. If she continues to deny you the attention and affection you desire, after you have communicated this to her, well... then you know the answer.

KP--love you, but we don't have enough answers from the OP yet.

No idea on her stress levels or medications. No idea what else is going on in the relationship.

Yes, she needs to chase too--but it's a little understandable if she's got a suppressed libido from a new medication, especially birth control.

Remember, she's turned him down 5 times in 2 weeks---but no idea what's gone on before that. For all we know, her mom died 2 weeks ago, and that's the issue.

Yes, he deserves to be met halfway, or be the one pushed to the wall at least part of the time. But sometime in the last year I've learned to COMPLETELY understand the complete and total lack of libido involved in too much stress, too little sleep, and too many medical problems and medications.

It sucks from my end, too, you know. If she honestly doesn't know WHY her libido isn't as high as it used to be, that sucks even more. The mind is willing, but when it comes down to it, the body is basically saying "no way, lady. Forget it. We're not turning on for YOU!!", it sucks pretty hard core. Especially if you really enjoy sex normally and the drive is just... gone.

I completely agree with you that it's not fair that one person in the relationship does ALL of the chasing. Nor is it fair that they do all of the work to make things a go in the bedroom. But sometimes that's the way it needs to be to make things happen at all, because of the circumstances involved.

I wish the OP would come back and answer some of those questions, because I think we could give him better and more accurate answers if we knew the WHOLE situation.

PS--I'll check for you to make sure you're a man, if you want. Come sit over here, I'll get in your lap, and we'll have a nice long um... talk! Yeah! Talk!. about it ;)

As a woman I feel sexy when my emotional needs are met. It can be true that men need to put a fair amount of effort into meeting those needs.

Whilst I am lucky enough to often be able to orgasm easily I can have much deeper more satisfying ones if the sex is slow and plenty of time taken. And yes I'm greedy, I'd rather have several than just one.

However, I'm not selfish enough to demand a marathon session every time we make love. Though he fully enjoys our marathons they can be a bit demanding of his time and energy. Nor am I unable to fulfill my own emotional needs when I know my husband's tank is low due to stress or whatever. I can quite happily go with a quickie that is more about meeting his needs. I can happily give him a nice time without penetrative sex when menstrual cramps mean sex is the last thing I want. For me to be able to give to him with no thought to my own needs my tank needs to be kept topped up in between times.

There are certain things that really will make the earth move for me. These aren't always the same things that rock my hubby's boat. I know when he is pulling out all the stops for my benefit and I sure appreciate it. It then makes me actually hunger to give him the best time I can.

It's not about you do me and I'll do you, although maybe it translates that way a bit. It'a about mindset. If I feel loved and desired, and that my needs matter often enough, then I will simply enjoy what I have and feel keen to ensure he feels desired and is satisfied.

Women just do seem to have a greater need to have their emotional needs taken care of to keep their sex drive on track. I once read that, 'women need to feel loved or desired in order to want sex, men feel loved or desired when they get it.' Not sure if that's quite accurate but it seems roughly in the ball park to me.

We don't really know what the OP is or isn't doing or what else is going on as Synn says. However I think Synn gave some great suggestions as to what might get his partner to feel more sexy. If he's not doing these things already it could turn things around. If he is then we can think again. I do hope the OP comes back so we can learn more and see if we can help.

Sorry - the forum wrecked havoc on the formatting of my last post... so, I'm reposting with the hopes that this will fix it.

I think it's great that you have such a wonderful husband, Synnen! Likewise, I strive to do everything that I can for her- not for selfish reasons per se, but because I want her to be happy and as stress-free as possible. However, I agree with KP in that I would like to be happy, too. At times, it would be nice for me to be chased, too.

However, sometimes I feel like I am suppressing my own needs and find myself worrying that it will carry through to other parts of my life or detrimentally affect our relationship. (And honestly, I've been in past relationships where I have completely neglected my own wants in favor of what another wants obviously, this cannot be healthy and ultimately, it ended in mutual misery and a bad breakup. While I do not intend to compare my current relationship with my any of my former ones, in truth, I would really like to avoid such a painful experience again. I suppose in this regard, I too am jaded.)

To elaborate further on the situation:
- She is not on any new medications.
- She has not had any recent traumatic experiences.
- Upon reflection, she may indeed be stressed with school. She's ending her second to last year in college - we met in college - and I know that she's been working on finishing projects and finals lately.

I suppose that college was very different for me. (I have already graduated.) Even during the toughest times, I always found time to study, work part-time, and have fun. I was at the top of my class, and I guess things came easier for me. She doesn't work part-time, besides watching a young girl with special needs once to twice a week, yet at times she seems to struggle with completing her school work. It may come down to poor time delegation skills, but that's really a can of worms I'm not ready to open with her right now! Truly, I don't understand it very well.

That aside, it disheartens me to think that women might think of sex as another task� they have to do amongst their busy schedules!

To me, it's not stressful - it's very stress relieving. This isn't to imply that I couldn't live without it, but I wouldn't want to live without it either.

I liked when we were having sex frequently. I felt closer to her. We could talk about anything, everything even, and we talked more too.

Am I no longer meeting her emotional needs as QLP suggests? Perhaps I can't understand because I'm having trouble relating to what she's going through with school as my experience was so very different.

I know one thing, though. My emotional or physical needs are not being met.

I agree that I need to talk with her about this. However, at this point, my confidence is shot- I worry that it will only result in an argument, or even worse perhaps, she may just give in, and I'm pretty sure that will only hurt us both in the long run.

Comments? Suggestions? Harsh remarks?

It's not always a chore, Times :) The thing is, if we're thinking about work/schoolwork/dishes/money, we don't switch gears easily to sex (well, most women, anyway). It takes MORE to get us in the mood. I know I'm generalizing (so guys, don't take offense here! It's meant to be somewhat humorous!)--but guys seem to get turned on by a flash of panties, a glimpse of boob, and heck--batting my eyelashes turns my hubby on! It doesn't work like that for women. It's so MENTAL with us. Visual stuff doesn't work for crap with me. It takes time and attention to get me to the point where I'm REALLY in the mood. And frankly, if I'm exhausted, it ain't going to happen.

That being said--you're right. It's not fair to only meet one person's needs in a relationship. Have you talked to her about that? Have you stated, straight out, "I feel lonely and less connected to you when we don't have sex. I know you're busy and stressed, but can we make a date for some "us" time?"

Yeah, I know. Scheduled sex sounds so... well, boring! And scheduling it may sometimes make it seem like a "to-do" list. BUT--not if you do it right! Planned sex means that you both have it to look forward to! You can hint at it for a couple days before. You can tease about it. You can make it an EVENT! But--you have to meet in the middle on it. Understand that you're not going to get a date for sex every night. She then understands that it's not going to be once a month, either. MOST couples settle down to once or twice a week. Some--Like Smoothy, and Cat and Cats--are luckier. For others, it's hard to make the time between kids, jobs, school, whatever.

Either way, you have to tell her how you feel without laying blame on her. Keep it COMPLETELY to how you feel, and not what she does (or doesn't do). Be clear that these are your relationship needs, and that she may not feel the same way, but that you really want her to understand. Make SURE to emphasize the EMOTIONAL side of it, not the physical. Yeah, an orgasm is great--but you've got a hand for that, frankly, and don't NEED her for it. What you NEED her for is the emotional connection.

Now--have you set aside time to stimulate her without it HAVING to lead to sex? Do you give backrubs just to be sensual? There's an art to that, frankly. If you move too fast, it's a push toward sex. If you move too slowly, it's too platonic.

Is your bedroom free of clutter and is it a "work free" zone? If not, it NEEDS to be. MAKE room to do so. The bedroom should be a place to leave your day behind.

But---the biggest thing has to be the communication. She needs to know how you FEEL, not what you WANT. And she's not going to change overnight.

The other thing is this: has this ONLY been going on for 2 weeks? If so, you may be jumping the gun on the whole thing. If it's only been two weeks, and things are fine otherwise, then just let her work through the stress. Accept now that there are GOING to be stretches of time when you're not going to get sex, for whatever reason. Stress, illness, whatever. 2 weeks is NOT that long, especially if she's dealing with finals.

HOWEVER--if this has been going on for 2 YEARS, then it's a bigger issue.

My husband just chimed in with "the two best things I learned to do was to push a button (to heat her coffee up before she gets home) and do dishes WITH her. Two people in close proximity working together to accomplish something brings them closer, and it's a chance to TALK to each other while doing it. Forget the dishwasher--do dishes together every night".

He's a good man :)

If this has only been going on a couple of weeks, and the end will be in sight regarding her exams soon, then maybe it would be good to just hang on in there a little while. Maybe the work is a lot harder for your partner than you found it. Maybe she is afraid of failing. She could be more stressed about all this than you reallise. Stress can be a major libido killer at times.

Do you share some non-sexual physical contact, which would help her with her stress levels and allow you to feel some closeness to her? A cuddle, a foot rub, a massage...

Being turned down for sex can feel like a rejection of us ourselves. I don't think she is intending to reject you. I think it is more likely that she is feeling a bit overwhelmed with everything and is unwittingly shutting that part of herself down. Not against you but simply as a way of coping for the moment.

If you two marry, and are together for the long haul, there will probably be times when one or the other of you aren't up to sex. Illness and physical injuries as well as stress may come along. As Synn wisely mentioned. A neck injury once left me in severe pain for several weeks and sex was the last thing on my mind. The greatest treat was that my hubby washed my hair for me, something that was very difficult for me at the time.

Of course it is absolutely right that you should have your needs and desires fulfilled in a partnership. However there are times when we all put our own needs aside temporarily to help our partners through difficult times. As long as it isn't always one person who always does this then all is well in the long run.

The fact that you say your confidence has been hit so hard and you only THINK she finds you attractive makes me wonder what the long term picture is between you.

Is it you who always has the higher sex drive and this just feels like the straw that broke the camels back?

You say you do lots of things for her to make her feel happy. Do you feel that she normally does the same for you, even if she isn't keeping it up right now?

Is this really ALL about the fact that sex has been off the menu for a couple of weeks or are there some longer term concerns? Since you say you have neglected your own needs in the past, has there been more of that in this relationship than you have mentioned so far, or is this you being scared of falling into that trap again because of the past?

P.s. When you say you had trouble with your post were you trying to copy a word document to the forum?

We wish we could have intercourse that often. :) Just because we don't have sex as much as we would like (Life has a nasty habit of getting in the way) doesn't mean we don't 'make love' every chance we get. Over 25 years together, we have made the decision that 'making love' isn't just a sexual experience. It is the glances, the stares, touching for no reason other than a caress feels good, etc. We let each other know that even if sex is out for whatever reason, we still have the desire. Sometimes, foreplay lasts for days. ;)

This is bothering me: She tells you that she thinks all you want is sex and you don't think that is true. However, you say that you don't seem to connect or talk as much when there isn't as much sex. It makes me wonder if there isn't some misunderstandings happening. For you being closer means physical/sexual contact and because you care you do things for her. She may be seeing it as you do things for her so that you can get more sex. It becomes a perception of all you think about is sex.

It is also interesting that when she wasn't managing her time as well as you think she should have, you were having more sex. Now that she is trying to get her work done and study for finals, you are getting less sex. It makes me wonder if you might have been part of her problem with managing time. If you look back, did she spend time with you that she should have spent studying? Have you encouraged her to study when you know that is what she should be doing or did you think that she should be able to handle school and a relationship as easily as you did?

I've been thinking about this for a bit here, too.

I'm going to steal from KP here. There's a book out there called "The Five Love Languages" by Gary Chapman

The 5 Love Languages | Five Love Languages

We do not all communicate love in the same ways. I really suggest that you read this book, and try to get her to read it with you once finals are done. I have a feeling that you are feeling rejected, but that she is showing her love in a different way than you want to receive it. Of course, you SHOULD have love conveyed to you the way you like it at least half of the time. HOWEVER--that means you have to convey love the way that SHE prefers to receive it at least half the time.

Many couples don't really realize that their partner IS paying attention to them and showing love--but because the language is different from the need, communication is being missed. For example, if you show love by physical touch, and she shows love by words of affirmation--you're both GIVING love, but the other isn't receiving the message correctly. Ever play "Telephone"?

Anyway, this book is great. It helps you identify the ways you each prefer to "speak love"... and how to meet the other's needs for love.

GREAT book.