Ask Me Help Desk - To be.. Or not to be..

Hey, will really try to keep this short, but my god it's difficult.
I'm 17 and a virgin. I'm using this site because I don't feel like my friends can give me impartial advice. I've been friends a guy for about 4 years now, a few non platonic phases along the way. We were "seeing" each other, I guess is what you'd call it, for a couple of months about a year back. He was never really going to commit because he'd recently ended a 2 year relationship, and I did understand that. I think really I was more like a teddy, something for him to cuddle and be fond of. Anyway I guess a part of me hoped one day he would commit, I've always thought him too good for me.

That ended at the beginning of this year, I found out he'd slept with one of my best friends, "Harriet". We basically agreed we'd wanted different things, but the rejection, especially with someone who I thought was loyal to me, did hurt and still does. After that it affected our friendship, and there were some awkward months, on and off periods with his ex, and he's apologised more than once. None of this is to do with my question but it is sort of important background.

In September he moved away, which I've found very strange and has reawakened some feelings I thought I'd suppressed. We don't communicate well over the internet, when we rarely try, and sometimes I feel I'm making more of an effort than he is. In person it's a lot easier.

I found out in October, from "Harriet" that she'd slept with him again. There's a lot of background to her, she's been around many of my male friends, and has brutally f***ed a lot of people over. I'm not friends with her anymore, as of around last week. That's another story but it's generally because she's selfish and makes people miserable, this example is a mild one believe me. This time though, he told her it was a mistake and that he wanted it to have been me, but I had been asleep at the time. Apparently he was drunk and she was quite forceful. He came back for a visit after this, and told me he likes me a lot and misses me.. kissing etc. We ended up ignoring the whole "Harriet" thing, and it was really good. But I feel that maybe I'm being a fool to trust him, and in the long run it'll end badly. And couldn't he have goddamn woken me?

He's back again this weekend, and then for a while the weekend after, and I think sex in the next month is definitely a possibility for me. He's spoken to a mutual friend about it so I know he wants to. The thing is, I've never felt so strongly about anyone, I've never been in love and the idea of sex scares the hell out of me. But, for over a year now, I've always thought in the back of my mind it would be him, maybe because I've been single for so long. Anyway, my question is really is it worth it? He lives far away, and I miss him enough already without adding an extra complication. Also the idea of him and "Harriet" repulses me slightly, and I don't want to end up feeling used again. I've held onto my virginity for a reason, that I don't want to regret my first time. I'm honestly not sure whether I'd regret it or not..

Losing your virginity to a guy who is as selfish and thoughtless as this guy is, would be a BIG mistake. If you want to regret your virginity being lost then this is the route to take. The decision is yours, but let me tell you that it will be a wrong decision if you choose to go through with this, also, you need to work on yourself esteem, the line "I always though he was too good for me" is very ironic, maybe because you are inexperienced, but you are way too good for him. In fact, he doesn't deserve you at all, cut him loose and find someone who is willing to love you back and is not planning on using you for sex. The same way he used your friend, and the same way he uses his ex girlfriend.

Good Luck,

Javi

To me, there's only one answer to this question.
Don't do it.
It's not worth losing your virginity to someone you can't even trust or has hurt you more than 1 time. He even slept with you best friend for God's sake (whether she forced him or not, He chose to go along with it!).
And I agree with Javi up there, work a bit on your self-esteem please. You are not confident enough about yourself, to even think that he's too good for you even after all the things that he has done?? Seriously girl!

And as you said you aren't even in love!
So NO!

Of course he wants to have sex with you, he had sex with "Harriet " didn't he? You think he will appreciate how special you are giving him your virginity? NOPE!!

You want your first time to be special, then save it for that special guy you know you LOVE, and know he loves you, and has taken the time to prove to you he deserves that love! Any other circumstances is just doing it, to do it.

There will be someone like this in your life, just wait, because you cannot undo what is done, and the secret is to have no regrets for whatever you do.

This guy ain't it, and what besides some off and on attention shown to you makes you think he is special. As you have said this isn't love, just attraction, and your experience with attraction seems to be severely limited at this point in your life.

Wait for a true love experience before you share EVERYTHING with someone. Then there will be no regrets, or doubts as you are having NOW!!

Name,

Do you really want to give that special of gift to this guy? Giving up your virginity is a one time gift. It should at least be with someone who you love and here the kicker LOVES YOU BACK!!

He loves you about as much as he loved your friend "Harriet". You are judging your friend for sleeping with this guy, why because you like him. Don't you think he knows that and yet he CHOSE to have SEX with Harriet not just once but twice. Yet here you are actually thinking about giving up your virginity to this guy, because he finally said that he likes you!

Lets really stop and think here. This is all about your feelings toward this young man. You like him, you want him to pay attention to you, you want him to be YOUR boyfriend. Believe me most of us know what its like to have such deep feelings for someone that you would do anything to get their attention,but your not just giving him your virginity, you are giving him your heart, pride, and unfortuantely yourself esteem.

NO ONE deserves to be given all those things in hopes that he will finally like you enough to be your boyfriend. He will walk away, not even caring how much you have given him, he is too young himself to understand.

Save those special gifts for someone who you are in a relationship with, who has already told you how much he LOVES you. Someone who you don't have to question about being your boyfriend, because you and everyone else will know!

Where to begin...

Quote:

He was never really going to commit because he'd recently ended a 2 year relationship

No commitment. Isn't that the dream of every tool... oh excuse me... "guy".

Quote:

I found out in October, from "Harriet" that she'd slept with him again.

What you don't realize is that he slept with her too. Not once but twice.

Quote:

This time though, he told her it was a mistake and that he wanted it to have been me, but I had been asleep at the time. Apparently he was drunk and she was quite forceful. He came back for a visit after this, and told me he likes me a lot and misses me.. kissing etc.

Oh sweety... honey... It was a mistake! She knew I was drunk and forced me to have sex with her. I really wanted to resist and I tried, but I was drunk and you were sleeping. After the first time I told myself I would never let her sleep with ME again, but after a few beers, I can't stop her advances. I think I should file charges for rape now. She totally took advantage of me.

Really? You believe this? LOL! That like saying:

"I didn't want to rob the bank. It was a mistake, but the money... it was all there, just waiting for me to take it. I didn't want to, but the bank teller told me I had to. So I did."

Complete BS. So now that he had Harriet twice, he wants to turn his sights on you.

If you give in you will regret it. If you think that sex is a way to win a guy, you have a lot to learn. Instead of winning him over with sex, you are in turn rewarding his bad behavior with sex. In the end you will feel used, especially when he mistakenly hooks up with another Harriet.

You should save yourself for someone who is really special. This guy sounds like a tool.

You are perhaps the most well spoken and rational 17 year old I have ever come across. That alone tells me you know when something doesn't feel right and have the self control and courage to make the right choices. Everyone on here has detailed the negatives about this guy. You seem like you have the capability to do anything you want in life, and to get anything you want. Don't sell yourself short, ever. Save yourself and this life changing event for a person who has earned your trust and deserves your love.

It's obvious that you aren't ready for this and it's probably because you know deep down that he's really not that special.

Don't give in to him. He's cheated on you before and you know in your heart that he'll cheat again when the opportunity arises.

Wait until your special guy comes along - he's just not worth it!

Thanks for the advise (: the thing is though,he's been my friend a very long time and he really isn't all bad. I don't know how strongly because he's not particularly open. Honestly though, I don't want him to be my boyfriend, I know its not feasible.

I'm really glad I posted this actually, because beforehand I was sort of decided that I would. Now my doubts are spawning more doubts.
To be fair to him he didn't blame her for it, I heard it off a friend who saw that she was being quite forceful. Also I can't really count it as cheating, we've never been in a proper relationship. I think the hardest thing for me really is just that I love him as a friend and it gets a bit confused. Hes my oldest male friend, and he has always been there for me. But, he's also caused a lot of upset, not just to me, "Harriet" was going out with his best friend. And it wasn't just that one time either.
I guess I justify his behaviour by saying he doesn't have an obligation to me, I don't own him. But he should know this upsets me, unless he's really that careless.

All in all, thank you for the advise, its made me at least decide to talk to him about it and to explain how it's p*ssed me off. You've also made me focus on some of his major flaws, which I think I needed to do. I think if the opportunity arrises then I'll have to decide exactly how comfortable I am with it all, and him. I know it wouldn't mean nothing to him, but it'd mean more to me. I've definitely been attracted to others, been around a few others, but no one makes me feel like he does. Anyway, this has given me the confidence to say to him that he has wronged me, and I need a decent apology and explanation of why before he has any hope in hell of getting any further with me. There's no way I'll do it if I think he's using me. Thanks (:

You are still defending him girl. Come on, stop doing that. Think critically please. Don't just look at his good side, look at the bad one too. And for you to even think that you would give him your virginity even though You know better than anyone here that neither one of you Loves each other Truly... seriously I really really don't know what to say... You have to wake up and get back to reality. It's true that we're living in a period where most people tend to have sex for the fun of it and not worrying about committing or settling down with your sex partner. But at least give yourself more value than this, especially when it comes to First time.
You need to go out and try to find nicer people to hang out with, because the way you describe your best female friend and your best male friend doesn't give me even the lightest idea that they are good influence on you.

Quote:

I know it wouldn't mean nothing to him, but it'd mean more to me

Oh, what a nice meaningful sentence you have there. You know what's the funny thing here? You seem to have the ability to understand the situation pretty well, but you can't seem to realize the hidden meaning in everything you said. If your emotional well-being means nothing to him like you said, he definitely isn't the one for you. You have had this crush for him for quite sometimes, that explains why you feel uncomfortable with the idea of him and "Harriet" all over each other (and oh my god, someone actually Saw it o.0? ).
And the fact that he doesn't even bother explaining why he slept with her, and that he actually talks to someone about having sex with you... I seriously don't know what you see in this guy.
And if you just go and ask him to apologize to you and give you an honest explanation for his lusting after your body, there's no way he will make it appear that he's using you.

This guy is a bucket sweety, I've been in your shoes, don't do it, you will def regret it.