I have been in an open relationship with a guy for the past 10 months. There are times that we spend together that everything is great. I know he has feelings for me that is stronger than friendship as he has told me time and time again, but he refuses to commit. He happily sees 2 other girls once in a while, where he will text them and take them out for dinner etc. He hardly ever takes me anywhere, but he comes round to see me often and he texts me almost every day. I often ***** and moan that I want a more exclusive relationship but he refuses. He contradicts himself often and although will happily see others, says that if I ever get a boyfriend it will hurt him a lot. He says he doesn't and can't show affection and doesn't show his emotions easily. He has never given me a compliment and sometimes plays with my feelings. It almost feels like I am plan B, it feels like he is selfish and it is all on his terms, when he wants to see me, when he wants to contact me etc. I always have to ask to sleep with him or make the first move because otherwise he doesn't (DEGRADING - I know)

In the past 10 months we have had 2 breaks from each other and we are currently on our 3rd. He can't stay away though and I think the longest we have gone without speaking is 2 days, so during these breaks give or take a day he usually texts me, it is nice to know he cares and perhaps misses me and that is why he texts? I am not sure.

2 weeks ago my father whom I was very close to died of a heart attack, he also had stage 4 cancer and I am trying to deal with this loss. He has been there for me through it all but I asked him to stay away for a while so that I could clear my head. I am missing him terribly today and really want to see him, just for a cuddle, to be held and to be told that everything is going to be OK.

Why can't I let go of him? Why can I not see how much he has hurt me? (there is so much more he has done but it is actually to long a list to write down). Do I forget him and try and move on with my life or do I just let it be, carry on and see what happens? Do I wait around and see if he will ever commit to me or do I leave it now and let my wounds heal. Please let me know your thoughts. Xxx

LET GO!! Your worth so much more then this! He's not committed to you at all and is only using you with no strings attached! Guys like him do not change so walk away now! You can chose to stay and wait but the hurt will only be worse then because you will be more attached to him!

Your suffering now,how much more suffering do you need from this guy?

Your grieving,be around your family and friends,this man does not care about you,and you have made yourself his play thing.

Start no contact and stick to it,that mean social sites too!

He won't miss you,he might miss the attention you give him but with the history you gave he will have no problem finding a replacement.

Now is the time to help yourself,be nice to you.

He doesn't miss you. He just miss having his... toy around (thought of another word, but it's too harsh, so I'm going to stick with toy). It doesn't FEEL like you're a plan B, you Are the plan B, or possibly plan Z!
Go away now girl. Cut off any string with this guy. Block him. Ban him. Do anything you can to keep him away from you. If he shows up at your place, call security. Guys like this don't deserve love or forgiveness. Not after everything he has done to you.
There is no such thing as miracles for this case. If you stay any longer, you will only receive more pain.
It's going to be very hard at first, but try to control yourself. You will definitely find someone way~~ better than him, who will treat you as another human being that deserves respect and true love.

I am 19 and let me tell you that I have been (in the past) the guy that you are describing now. Let me tell you, that he doesn't love you, I am sorry, it might not be what you want to hear and if you want to stop reading now to avoid a little harshness do so. If you kept reading that is good. He is USING you fully, he gets to have someone chasing him around raising his self esteem and having sex whenever the hell he wants while degrading you and not thinking about how he is hurting you at all. He will NEVER want to be exclusive because he is not only sleeping with you, but also with other people, to whom I am sure he does the same thing for. You don't think that what he has told you about his other girls is everything he does with them do you? I hope not. Your father passing away is a separate problem, and if you need someone there during this hard time people look at family members or people that at least consider you a valuable friend, because to this guy you are his toy. It is also not that he is not "able" to show affection is just that he doesn't feel the need of doing that with you. When you are the male in this situation you save the best for last, trust me when I tell you that he has tricks up his sleeve to keep you there, and that is why you are so hung up on him. Flee from this before you keep getting more attached because this cannot have a happy ending, not that it might not, it CANNOT! Have some self respect for yourself and find someone who at least shows a hint of interest in you, not with an a.s.s.h.o.l.e. who doesn't give a rat's @$$ about you... please RESPECT yourself, maybe then will other people start to respect you. Also, if you feel someone or something is degrading you then don't just accept it and look the other way, STOP DOING IT!!

Good Luck,

Javi

Oh my gosh girl, he is so not worth it. you're time, nor your stress. You can find a guy that wants you for you and wants to be committed to you. There are many guys out there. Getting over him may not be the easiest thing but it takes only a little time. I mean, if he decides that he's ready to be committed to you and only you then go for it, but otherwise, leave him in the dust like he does you with the other girls. I wish you the best.

Threads merged

Ok so here goes...

I feel like a teenager again having to ask for this advice (no offense but at the ripe old age of 26 you would have thought I would have figured this out by now), so here goes... I have been seeing this guy on and off for a year now, we have been in an open relationship, we fight all the time anyway we have reached the conclusion that I need to play more hard to get and he needs to be less selfish and nicer to me. We have both been away and haven't seen each other for 3 weeks. He got back on Thursday and messaged me today, asking how I was and apologising for not being in contact, I acted very calm and didn't say much, I also didn't give him any grief for not contacting me. The last thing I said to him was hope to catch up soon, to which he replied: mwah, chat soon x. I have left it at that but slightly disappointed in his response. We have gone through a lot together, including the death of my dad not even a month ago. He is my best friend but yes I am in love with him. I know he has feelings for me, however, they are not strong enough for him to have an exclusive relationship with me. He has also however told me that I am very important to him and it would really hurt him if I was to find another boyfriend, but in saying that he has no problems seeing other girls and taking them out.

Basically I want to win him over and I want to not be so easily available to him, but I am scared that in doing that he will just walk away. Yes, I am a 'nice girl', I find it very hard to be nasty/play hard to get. Also, after his last message where he said bla bla bla chat soon x, do I now wait until he contacts me again?

Please give me some advice.

Thanks
xx

Save yourself some grief and don't get caught up in playing games with each other. If you are wanting a serious, exclusive relationship, and he has shown that he isn't interested in that, you can either continue as you have, which doesn't sound as though you are happy with it, or move on.

Since the relationship is not exclusive, do no allow his words of being hurt if you find a boyfriend stop you from going out with others, since he has no problem seeing other women. He can't have his cake and eat it too unless you allow it to be that way.

If he walks away because you don't contact him, then he isn't really interested in keeping the relationship going or investing anymore time into it than he already does.

See him, and have fun if you want to and enjoy time with him, but keep options open.

I know you love him, but you said in the beginning of your post that you had an "open" relationship.

Seems like he's still happy with just doing his own thing. I really don't think there's much you can do to change that.

You need to sit down and have a serious discussion with him and tell him you can no longer function in an "open" relationship. If he isn't interested in a committed relationship with you, then you have no choice other than moving on without him.

Thank you for your advice x

You will never get anything out of this,because you're just too available,and you've always been,and after you give someone so much,it's really hard to take it back and still keep your relationship with them.

Being the nice girl and not playing too hard to get is definetely not the type of things you should be doing in the early beginning of a relationshp,but,after one year,you're supposed to be a nice girl and be faithful and respectful and thoughtful.But what he needs for now is not a nice girl.He needs to date around because he's still not ready to settle.There's absolutely nothing wrong with that,people want different things at different points in their lives and this is what he wants for now,the thing he's doing wrong is that he isn't being honest with you,so it's time for you to be honest with him and tell him this is not what you want.Maybe he keeps you in his life because he likes who you are and wants to keep you,but he's not ready to commit and it scares him to think you may be the last person he'll ever be with for the rest of his life.

My advice?It'll be painful but you need to break this up.Don't even bother trying to make him take second place now,you need to close him off.Tell him you want something serious and he can't do this to you.Don't give ultimatums and make clear there'll be no more chances,because if you give him any hint that he may still have a chance with you he'll just pretend he's changed for a couple weeks then you'll be getting the "I'm confused" talk again.You seem to value your relationship with him so you should keep that but I don't think you'll be able to sit next to him and just talk and hang out so keep contact at a bare minimum,and don't forget to date.It's likely that he'll realise there's no one like you if he sees you with someone else but by then you will have realised what you really want.

Thank you for your advice, it is just so hard, I want him to make the effort.

It is hard, but you can't make someone feel what they don't feel. He knows you like him, he knows you are available, so it is not a matter of him not knowing how you feel. He just isn't interested in something exclusive right now. He may find that with someone else next month, he may not be interested in it three years from now and either one of those is fine... for him; just not for you as you are wanting more.

It may be that he is just a great guy, you date now and then, have a good time, but he is not the one for a lasting, exclusive relationship. That you fight all the time should be a red flag to you that this is not the best match.

You will probably date a number of different great guys, until you find someone who is on the same page as you are at the same time.

You keep running head first, full speed into a brick wall don't you? That's what trying to change someone to meet your needs and wants is like, running into a brick wall. Let him go, and don't have anymore to do with this guy and you will eventually find some one that meets your needs and wants because he wants to. You won't have to change him.

For sure you have made him a priority, while you are but one option of many for him. Does that sound like love to you? Sure doesn't to me and its not a very healthy way to live either.

There is nothing you can do to make someone else do anything. And often we fear more the change than the real loss

Thank you for all your advice and comments, it is all true and he is not healthy for me. He is such a lovely guy and probably does nothing wrong but we are just not meant to be. I don't want to say he makes me sick because that sounds horrible but he makes me very unhappy sometimes and I guess it is because I want him to change and I want him to want me as much as I want him. Yes I fear the change more than anything, the lonliness of not having him around and not seeing him, no messages from him, no little laughs. Sometimes I think it is easier to be angry at him because it helps me move on. I am obsessed and need to get on with my life - just wish it was that easy, but I am trying. I am trying to do things for me, spend more time with my mom and my friends, focus on my job etc, hope it gets easier though.

Have a great day everyone
X

Sounds cliche', the first step is often the hardest, but time really does make a difference. It's hard now, even though you were not very happy, he was part of your comfort zone, but it will get easier.

Spend that time with your family and friends... enjoy putting yourself first for awhile!

Thank you for all your replies and advice. I walked away from him about 2 weeks ago and I felt much better I was happier than I have been in a very very long time however this weekend we saw each other, it started fine and then boom explosion again, he text a girl and I saw the message, it was my birthday and he really just didn't need to do that, we fought, we slept together and I am again back to stage 1. He told me yesterday that he was mean to me on purpose because he doesn't know how else to handle it, he also told me yesterday that one of the girls I had thought he had been with while he was with me, he never was with her, but he made me believe for a year that he was seeing her, he doesn't seem to realise how much damage he has done, although 2 weeks ago he had tears in his eyes when I told him what he has done and all the mind games he has played with me for a year, but yesterday he said that he doesn't think he has done anything wrong. I have been reading a bit of self help things and I have realised that I am love addicted. I have realised that he is like a drug to me as toxic as we both know that we are for each other we can't seem to let go and I relapsed this weekend. I intend to get back up and walk away again. I need to know if any of you have any advice on how to deal with a love addiction and how to recover from it? I am going to go back to my psychologist and have some intense therapy but she is so booked up and I need some advice NOW on how to deal with it. How to I not reply to his messages and not see him, as it breaks my heart and I don't have enough courage to not reply. Please help as I am now desperate. I do not want to feel like this anymore and I cannot believe after feeling good for 2 weeks how I have dealt with feeling like this for an entire year. I am an idiot and starting to hate myself again. Any help would be greatly appreciated. X

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I walked away from him about 2 weeks ago and I felt much better I was happier than I have been in a very very long time

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Do what you did last time, just walk away, and feel better ,and try to stay away from him longer. You had th strength and courage to walk away before, do it again, and keep doing it until you can walk away and stay away. Don't give up, keep trying until you get it right.

I agree with talaniman... walk away like you did before. Be sure to actually tell him that it is over and that you want no further contact from him.

Let him know that you thought about it and decided that you aren't going to go down the same road again. While he has some nice qualities, they aren't enough for you to have a relationship with him; the negative qualities are, as you said, too toxic to continue.

Do not let yourself get sucked back into a relationship with him. You will only have more of the same as you did before and that is exactly what you are trying to stay away from. Ignore phone calls, text messages, etc. If it means getting a new number to make it easier, then do so. In fact, that is probably one of the first things you should do to help you break away.

You aren't being rude or mean by not responding, you would have already told him you wanted no contact so he would be well aware of that, you are taking care of your well-being.

Remember how good you felt when you walked away before... you had less stress... you were happier than you had been in a very long time... you could think more clearly... no doubt you felt a tremendous weight was lifted off you.