I recently ran across this post and thought I would put it where we could get something from it.

Quote:

---

I had a boyfriend about 2 years ago and at first I thought I was so in love with him but after a couple of months my feelings changed. I knew he was so in love with me and would be devastated if I told him my feelings had changed so instead I started treating him really bad, I would talk to him like he was stupid stopped kissing him and cuddling him thinking that this would make him leave me but it didn't he just tried harder and harder. In the end I told him that it wasn't him it was me and I needed some space from the relationship and maybe we could get back together after a break. He called and texted but I hardly ever responded. It took a while but in the end he gave up.
Don't think that you have done anything wrong, some peoples feelings just change sometimes. Don't try to contact her anymore now, if she wants to be with you she will get in contact. The more you try the further you are pushing her away. Move on and be happy

---

.

I am sure a lot of us can relate here, and my reason for bringing it up is so we can better understand a female perspective in a break up. Us guys communicate much differently and where we might expect a female to say "Hey its over, I've changed my mind" they seldom do, because they just don't think as we do. They are really having a hard time getting there point across and deal with all those emotions and yours too, so this is what we get. The truth is they may be as broke up as we are when it ends. Regardless we must realise as men that its not all them breaking our hearts its mostly us trying to FIX a relationship that is broke, that's what we do fix stuff that's broke. Its only through time and the pain of knocking our heads against a brick wall, we relent and finally accept the fact its over and time to move on and let the head and heart heal. The longer the relationship the more the pain. The bigger the emotional investment the greater the reward and loss. Just life we all go through. Something it took a couple of failed relationships to understand, and realise that being healthy first and going much slower with females gave me a chance to see that all relationships are not going as far as I may like, and sometime they end. Its much easier to accept after a little experience and you learn how to handle things much better, so we need to realise our part and instead of blaming the female and going through the head changes, just MAN up and move on. Why be mad when you know there is another lady out there for you. I hope this helps clear a few things up.

<<Us guys communicate much differently and where we might expect a female to say "Hey its over, I've changed my mind" they seldom do, because they just don't think as we do. >>

Ha, its not just girls that do that..! Even though its true any breakup I've had in the past was a direct its over and I got over them very fast by the directness in which it was handled.

So do you think guys are generally more honest in breakups?

<<For the guys >>

Oops sorry I'm a girl I should not be reading ;-)

This is a great post. I think we see this a lot here and it's painfully obvious to those of us on the outside looking in but it's not obvious to those with their emotions wrapped up into the sitatuion. Speaking as an extremely emotional male let me tell you it's not the end of the world when a woman leaves, it may feel like it, but it's not. My longest relationship, and my first major one went 2 1/2 years and it took me a long time to get over it, and that was without a website like this. Years later, I don't even think about her. That time will come for everybody whose felt a loss, including you.

Just to add to that above let me also say, that in a very weird way I'm kind of glad I experienced that emotional pain. I still get stung every now and then but if you go through some deep emotional pain, learn not only that you are capable of pulling through but it prepares you for future losses. And if your going to play the dating game the reality is your probably going to get hurt at some time. More than once. But by going through the pain you develop ways of dealing with it, and moving on.

I had a friend say to me once who was devastated about his girlfriend of 3 years leaving him for her ex-boyfriend in high school that he was happy he was going through it because it made him feel alive because he at least gave it his best shot. I didn't get that at the time but as I grow a little older I think I get what he meant by it. To not try at all would have robbed him the experiences of life and good times he had with her before she left him. And no matter what it costs you in the end, the pain can't be worse than not trying or living at all.

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by talaniman

The truth is they may be as broke up as we are when it ends. Regardless we must realise as men that its not all them breaking our hearts its mostly us trying to FIX a relationship that is broke, thats what we do fix stuff thats broke. Its only thru time and the pain of knocking our heads against a brick wall, we relent and finally accept the fact its over and time to move on and let the head and heart heal. The longer the relationship the more the pain. The bigger the emotional investment the greater the reward and loss. Just life we all go thru. Something it took a couple of failed relationships to understand, and realise that being healthy first and going much slower with females gave me a chance to see that all relationships are not going as far as I may like, and sometime they end. Its much easier to accept after a little experience and you learn how to handle things much better, so we need to realise our part and instead of blaming the female and going thru the head changes, just MAN up and move on. Why be mad when you know there is another lady out there for you. I hope this helps clear a few things up.

---

I love all of your post Tal. It is compulsory reading!

I wish I knew this long before I came here. I wouldn't have gotten myself / my heart / my head in to such a mess!

And your right about the longer the relationship was the longer the pain in my opinion.

After 7 years in a mostly wonderful relationship I sometimes wonder if I should be doing better than I am after 10 months. And I am doing pretty well, but sometimes it still hurts and I get down. I just can't help it and to say I have am completely over it and her would be lying to you and more importantly myself. But I know my accpetance and outlook on life is better with every day! And this is only because I want it to be. If you don't want it to begin to feel better and heal then it won't. You'll get stuck in the mud!

I realised that if I was able to completely let go of something that played a massive part in my life for the best part of my adulthood then something would be wrong.

So people should realise it is OK to feel hurt and sad at times, but just don't let it consume your life and control it. Continue as best as possible to have a positive outlook and move on. Don't miss any opportunity that comes along to continue your growth and move forward!

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by Skell

I realised that if i was able to completely let go of something that played a massive part in my life for the best part of my adulthood then something would be wrong.

So people should realise it is ok to feel hurt and sad at times, but just dont let it consume your life and control it. Continue as best as possible to have a positive outlook and move on. Dont miss any opportunity that comes along to continue your growth and move forward!

---

The above quote by Skell, is right on the money. Bingo Skell. If one didn't feel sad and worse after a breakup, of a relationship, that they sincerely had their hearts in, I would be very concerned of their absence of emotion.

So for all of those who do have heavy hearts, somewhere within you, please realize, that yes it hurts like a cut open blister, but it also means that each of you, have such good hearts, capable of great love. I honestly do feel each of your hurts, when I read your situations, but I truly do have great hope in my heart, as I know, those who are able to feel such great pain in their hearts, tells me that they are also able and capable of giving and receiving an even greater love from that same heart that is hurting now. It shows you are sensitive caring and loving and that is nothing to be sad about at all, quite the opposite.

I feel if I was never hurt in the past, I would never have known how to love today. If that makes any sense.

Great contribution Tal.

It's been my experience that when a woman breaks up with a man she rarely, if ever, tells him the real reason for the breakup. Instead she camouflages it with something else that usually has little to do with why she's actually breaking up. I'm not sure why that is, except that women tend to think holistically, whereas men tend to think more categorically (my own wife confirms this!) Usually a man can much more readily verbalize why he's breaking up with a woman. In my bygone bachelor years, whenever a woman broke up with me, I used to insist on knowing why, thinking that I could learn from it and "not make the same mistake again." It took many years and a lot of research on the topic (pre-internet, I might add) before I finally realized that it's not my place to try and adjust to the self-reported "whims" of any female in an attempt to keep her from losing interest and to cease with this self-defeating behavior. Now, as I look back on things, coupled with what I've learned on forums such as this (thanks to the electronic age), I can clearly see how foolish it was of me to try harder and harder to appease the women I was with, only to become more and more frustrated when things kept ending the same way regardless. I only wish I could have learned these things 25 years ago ; my youth would have been much happier and fulfilling.

Yes, I agree tal,

I don't think all the blame can be placed on the ex and it must be painful for the one doing the breaking up (dumping).

I don't place all the blame on my ex, sure I am somewhat angry. She broke my heart like nobody ever has but time has made me realise that I cannot blame her for everything and she was young and I was her first. I am grateful that I experienced the relationship and feelings I had for her and would not delete that chapter from my life if there was a means to do so.

Great posts!! Great thread.

I think it's that women go MORE by feelings - it how you make them FEEL. Do you make them feel hot and sexy? Or more like her uncle or brother.

Guys go by logic more. 'well she did that. That's a deal breaker. Iam breaking up"